Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?

I don't think of myself as a "have not." My income is small, but I feel that my needs are met. I even have cable TV and high-speed Internet. I feel very secure that I'll always have a roof over my head and good food to eat, etc. But I have no money in the bank.

I used to be quite close to my siblings. I live far away from them. One has a gift delivered to me on my birthday, but never calls me. She has money in the bank. I'm wondering if she is distancing herself from me because of the difference in our economic status. This just occurred to me two weeks ago. Now I feel so dumb for not thinking of this sooner.

A lot of people here at PC are just getting by. Do any of you think that relatives with money dislike you because you're a lot less well off? This came to me like a bolt of lightning. I feel so stupid for not realizing this sooner.

I don't try to get my better off sister to give me anything. I've never been one to ask family for anything. She started sending me an annual gift on my birthday. I don't know why she started doing that. Meanwhile, months go by with no word. Basically, I just don't hear from her. Two or three times a year, I'll phone her. But she never phones me. So I'm not going to be phoning her anymore. I feel stupid calling someone who never calls me.

I was all mystified. Then the light went on! Like: bang! I had this epiphany: people with money don't want to get involved with people who live hand to mouth.

So, now, I'm really mad. I thought we had a deeper bond. Now I'm angry that she sends this annual gift. It's just phoney. So I am not going to call her. If she sends me some mail order gift again on my next birthday, I'm going to donate it to a charity thrift shop. Or I might just throw it away.

If she had totally ignored me for years, I'ld have gotten the message and written off the relationship as a lost cause. And I'ld have gotten over it by now. But I kept waiting for things to be okay. There were some family tensions ten years ago - not caused by me. I strove mightily not to aggravate those tensions. People were mad at each other, and I just wanted to not be on bad terms with any of the parties concerned. It was the classic "who inherited what" that tears families apart. It was ugly and sickened me. Inheriting stuff was never important to me. I proved that to all concerned. I just wanted to not have sibling bonds destroyed. A few years later, it seemed that an ugly time would receed into the past.

More tragedy came along, and it seemed people's basic decency was coming to the fore. I thought healing was underway. And I was glad. Now I'm in a tough period of my life. I don't need any money from anyone for anything. My s.o. is sick and we have what we need materially. But a sister I thought cared never calls to say, "How's he doing? How are you doing?" And it's like a brick hitting me in the head that someone I thought was a friend has withdrawn from having any real connection to me. There are others who do stay very connected. I guess you can't win 'em all.

I guess people have different values. This sister is more different from me than I had any idea. I don't see any way to make sense of this than to think she is just way shallower than I had any idea. Money is important to her. She told me that. She might fear that I could become a drain on her.

Sometimes greed does terrible things to people. When it is the driving force in someone's life, then IMO, their life is a bit shallow. Putting a price on friendship and love cheapens it's value. There is nothing more valuable than true love. You know, love as defined in the Bible, the kind that is, "patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." This is a tall order but if she loves money more than you, I think she is in a sad state in some ways. This is very judgemental thing to say and, of course, I may be way off the mark, but someday, when we die, it will not matter how much money we have in the bank. What will matter is--how much did we love others? How much were we loved by others? How often did we show others we loved them through our words and deeds? I am sorry your sister is not acting loving toward you. It is always sad when these things happen.

Yes, it is sad.

I've had a bad day. I am sad.

I was thinking about what I said, and though you may be judging her attitude correctly, felt like I should add that when we are depressed and isolated from our family from a long time that can make us feel they don't love us. When I was in the hospital, I really was surprised about how much time and expense my father, sister and brother went to be with me. When you are depressed and suicidal---you do not feel worthy of love...Being away from a loved one for a long time magnifies and confirms the feeling.

I think I am worthy of love. That doesn't mean anyone in particular is going to want to be involved in my life. She has the right to select her friends. She has said some mean things over the years. I tried to discount them. I guess you have to believe people when they show you their disdain.

Rose76, you may have had an epiphany your sister....or you could be completely wrong about her. No it is NOT categorically true that people who have money in the bank don't like people who don't.

I've been extremely poor at times in my life to the point of going hungry. Now I'm not poor all. I live a comfortable life. My mother is elderly and has no income other than social security which is a pittance. I'm happy to be able to pay her rent, phone, and cable bills so she have her own apartment and live independently. I don't hate, or resent her her for this. Nor do I look down on her for being poor.

Some of my siblings have turned on me and tell me I'm showing off or greedy. Sometimes I get angry and say well fine feel free to chip in, but they don't. It wounds me deeply. So I have money? Why does that make me a bad or selfish person? Everyone has different experiences, life choices and just plain luck of the draw.

A while ago I understood for the first time why the poor were so abhorred in medieval times: everything was about God, and those with money thought the poor were poor because they had done something wrong, so God had punished them.

I have a small amount of money in the bank, probably more than most of my friends, and I consider myself lucky (I say lucky - a medieval person would have said blessed - they must have done something well to be blessed, and those not blessed must have done something wrong) to have the money and that's about it. I feel bad for one of my best friends, who needs but can't afford a service dog. Asides from that, I don't really think much about how much money I have, my parents have, and my friends have.

I'm sorry you have a strained relationship with your sister. I so understand. I have a strained relationship with my sister as well. My philosophy is...don't come around at Thanksgiving and Christmas when you treat me badly every other day of the year. Don't show up and act like we're a happy, functional family. I'd rather you treated me kindly every other day of the year then get me a birthday and Christmas present. It's sad.

Is there any possibility of you and your sister discussing this and working things out? Sending big hugs.

Okay, I misspoke when I entitled this thread. Of course it is not categorically true that people with money always disdain people without money. Only someone with very distorted thinking would actually believe that.

I'm glad my sister has whatever she has. She is neither bad, nor selfish. But she has expressed that she thinks less of some people who she doesn't see as materially successful. She has explicitly said to me, "I have to wonder what's wrong with people who don't get ahead financially." She and her husband refer to some of their neighbors as "local yokels" because they "have nothing to show" for their efforts in life. (Her words, not mine.) It never before occurred to me that she might apply that thinking toward me.

I'm trying to grasp that, from her perspective, my living as I do may be off-putting. It may be that differences in economic status can be an impediment to having a close social connection. She wouldn't be the first human being in history to be influenced in that way. Novels have been written about this. It's been the theme of great films. Wuthering Heights comes to mind. (Cathy rejected Heathcliff and went after Linton because she wanted to marry "up " not "down.") For a long time, it hadn't occurred to me that my not having any money could make my sister withdraw from being involved with me. Then, out of the blue, an insight popped into my mind. It may be that there is a natural tendency for people of means to keep some distance away from people of no means. I can think of a number of reasons why that might be true. I had thought that my bond with my sister transcended such considerations. That may have been foolish of me. My sister's behavior may be governed by values that are less lofty than that.

So I was inviting others to share with me their thoughts on whether or not I may be on to something, in thinking that there is such a dynamic, whereby "haves" may prefer to maintain some distance from "have nots." Is that a shockingly cynical idea?

That's exactly the kind of judgementalism that my sister has displayed. She has pooh-poohed my struggles with depression, saying, "I have plenty of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself. You just dwell on things too much."

I can see where she would attribute both being depressed and being poor to personal unworthiness on my part. I must be living wrong and those are my just deserts.

And I'm not saying that my life isn't what I made of it. It is. I've made the choices I've made, and they've brought me to where I am. I don't claim I got cheated or abused. I don't begrudge her what successes she has had.

You are understanding, and it's much appreciated. Exactly as you say: My position is, "Don't spurn me so thoroughly because my life didn't pan out as you once expected it would, and, then, go through some hollow ritual of sending an annual gift that's not accompanied by any real openess to friendship."

I am always hoping for a thaw in this cold formality, but I've clung to this hope for over ten years. How do I work things out? I've tried my best to keep channels open. I've created opportunities for the resumption of "regular order," so to speak. I willingly go way more than halfway down the road to meet her, but I find myself in the road . . . . . alone. People need to give each other a sign. I've been signaling. There's no response.

This is very hurtful. I'm going through a tough period in my life. My S.O. is has one foot in the grave. So, when he succumbs, she will send a nice sympathy card and enclose a check with a note saying, "May this small gift get you some little thing that might bring you some comfort in your time of trouble." (It'll be dripping with false modesty and saccharine sweet tenderness.) Don't bother. Don't ever bother.

I sound bitter. Over ten years I've had of this. I can't take it anymore.

Sounds like dread of the pretentiousness of it all? Obligatory gestures. A friendly bond is worth more than gold. Perhaps a conversation about wanting her as sisterly as opposed to going through the motions of formality are in order?

Well, nothing but agreement here.

Most people don't actually value money - they value the feeling of security it brings them. Just like I value the feeling of security that spirituality brings me.

Just as I struggle at times to not look down on people or lapse into thinking that I'm just a smidge better than they are, when they do nothing but run around building up a treasure on earth - not because they have money, but because I decided, in my apparent omniscience, that they do not value things of true worth....they probably struggle not to look down on me because I've got these pie in the sky fairy tale thoughts about life, the universe, and everything.

I don't think it's about the money.

Yeah, "obligatory gestures." That's what these stupid mail-ordered gifts feel like. She needn't bother.

Of course, it's what having money represents that people value. I only like flour because it's a necessary ingredient in bread and pastry. I don't love flour. My not having money represents insecurity to my sister. She thinks people are foolish to not care about being financially secure. And she makes disdainful comments about people who haven't really "made it." She once told me about a neighbor who was "just a school teacher" and, so, didn't really "have all that much."

I actually feel quite secure because my small income is adequate to finance the basics that I need. It's not like my sister has to worry about me going hungry or homeless. My life is arranged so that I have what I need. I live in a region where the cost of living is low, so my income goes further than it would elsewhere. I planned to be as I am.

But, at one time, I earned good money. Back then, my sister kept regularly in touch. I believe she thinks my life is kind of pathetic now.

The personal amount of emphasis on money is not really about the money. At core, it's about personality, and it seems you have contradicting personalities.
You said your family was on a brink of destruction, which can also tell about your family dynamics between everyone. So I think connection problems are to be expected.

It also seems her gifts do not answer your need for an emotional connection. I can understand that.

Personality-wise, we have always been so different. I don't expect to have an intense emotional bond with her. But I also don't expect her to lack common courtesy. If I heard that her husband were very ill, I'ld call and express concern. But, then, I'ld probably not hear. She does not confide in me. Her reasons are good enough for her. But I don't want the annual gift ordered from an online gift site. I don't know what she means to convey with these gift-deliveries.

I think she's trying to connect with you but is so materialistic she has no idea how to
It's an exaggeration of course, but I think that's the case

I haven’t ever felt that way, Rose - I’ve had “money in the bank,” but I don’t base anything on ones wealth or lack thereof.

I can tell you, I’ve seen a lot of people that are wealthy get very passive-aggressive and competitive about who has the nicest, most stuff....like the late model luxury sports car, the designer clothes, the private “elite” schools. I used to live in one of those neighborhoods and just couldn’t connect with the community.

Post-divorce and disabled—I live in a different neighborhood and I’m just fine. You are, too.

Money does not equate happiness, it doesn’t. It does permit you to have a lot of experiences like traveling, which can be interesting if you like it. It means you can go to fine-dining restaurants, which can be quite good...but extremely expensive. I like spas...pampering massage, etc.

But, the above are wants, not needs. I’m glad I was able to do those things but I’m not better than anyone else. One of my favorite things to do is go to the library. Love to read and I always have a stack of books.

My relationship with my partner far surpasses my ex-H. He’s still in the fancy house and trying to keep up with the Jones’. I have unconditional love with my partner, it doesn’t matter we are both disabled and don’t make large salaries anymore. Money is not that important other than financial security for sanity’s sake....but many people don’t realize it. I hope that helps.

Also, isn’t it pretty ... well, almost taboo isn’t the word. One’s financial means is personal. If someone talks about their finances, that’s different. But you don’t need to discuss yours.

I think you should reach out and call your family, say hello and catch up! I do. xo

I also think that while it seems like siblings should be extremely close - well, that’s wonderful but I don’t think it is common.

I do talk regularly with my other sister, who is equally far away. We call each other. But the sister I never hear from has been making statements in recent years about how she doesn't "like to talk on the phone." For all her life it wasn't a problem, but now it's a problem. So I don't want to subject her to phone calls, if she finds them so odious.

At first I couldn't see why you thought it was about the money but then you write later in this thread about some of her comments about people/neighbours, which seem very judgemental. She sounds a very insecure person who needs to put others down, and I don't think that has anything to do with money.

I would imagine she is very difficult to have a friendly relaxed conversation with if she makes these kind of comments about others. Perhaps this is also playing into your decision not to call (as well that she does not call you).

The not calling is not always a clear cut issue - I have been guilty of that with my sister but the reason behind it is that she is way busier than me and I always seem to call at the wrong time. I tend to leave it to her so she can choose when she gets in touch. Not saying that is what has happened here but there can be reasons behind someone not calling.

The gift is an odd one. I do wonder if that is her way of expressing affection/reaching out, and if she is just very unsure of how to show she cares in an appropriate way.

I appreciate, Sprout, your putting things together from my different posts here. Insecurity seems to be a major feature of her personality. All her life, she said that it was very important to her to feel secure in material things. She has a domineering husband she's always trying to please, and he doesn't seem to like having too much to do with in-laws. The both of them seem to want to claim friends who have a lot, though neither of them seems to have many friends. The world has always scared her. She seemed always to believe that having money was a way of feeling safer.

It was never in her nature to put others down a lot. But she does seem to get impressed by people who have economic status. She and her husband seem to feel there's not much to be gained by hanging out with people who don't have a certain level of material success. I can kinda understand people of means not wanting to get too intimate with people who are poor. They might not like seeing poorer individuals struggling for things they can have easily. No one wants to be forced into a pitying state of mind all the time. And they don't want to watch people in difficulty, due to limited means, that they don't experience. I might be okay going out to Sonic for a burger, where they like to frequent good steak houses. People of means don't really want to talk about their lifestyle with someone who lives on a whole other level. I think there is a lack of commonality of experience.

She retired early because she could afford to. Her kids are grown, so her time is her own. I believe she wishes I had more because she genuinely wishes I was enjoying more of life's luxurues. I don't doubt that it honestly saddens her that there are nice things I can't afford. But I'm not living in a hovel eating cat food for dinner. I'm very content with what I have.

I remember how she was giddy with excitement when she bought a car that had a telephone installed in it. (Back before cell phones were everywhere.) I actually think her life is a bit boring because she doesn't seem to have a lot of interests. I'm always reading and following current events. She doesn't, to the point that she doesn't have a lot to converse about. She's quite a nice person, but the range of things she's interested in is pretty narrow. Somewhere along the line, she got real impressed with how affluent people live. Mimicking that seems to be what she and her husband attemot to do.

I've noticed that very highly affluent people are often the easiest for me to talk with, as they tend to have a lot of robust interests. They've traveled and done interesting things. My sister, I'm afraid, was always a bit dull. Her husband doesn't have much polish and can be quite ungracious, but I'm coming to think he doesn't really know any better. If I asked her to do me some favor, she's very quick to oblige. She's generous. But she seems to have no interest in just keeping up with what's going on with me, or sharing what's going on with her. I'm not sure what goals she has, other than seeming to want to imitate what she thinks is the way successful people do.

We may just be so different. We're two people who would never in a thousand years choose each other for friends. We happened to get born into the same family. I don't think that, just because two people are siblings, they have to be deeply involved with each other. Siblings sometimes don't have a lot in common, except a certain shared history.

I don't intrude on my sister. I live on the opposite edge of the continent. In no way, am I pushing myself into her life in a way that she or her husband might find me a nuisance. I think basic decency indicates that siblings keep reasonably in touch and express some bit of concern about large challenges that each other are coping with - like my s.o. being in very poor health. I'm not looking to wear her out with a litany of the troubles I deal with. I don't ask her questions she might find invasive. I believe in leaving people as much privacy as they want. If she stays away from a subject, I don't try to go there. Nowadays, long distance phone calls are free after 9 p.m. and on weekends on our cell phones. She doesn't participate in social media like facebook. I can't travel to visit her because my s.o. can't be left alone. Caring for him greatly constrains me. So she just lets months and years go by with next to no contact. I've no children. When her kids were growing up, I remembered every birthday and significant event. Recently, she moved to a new home. I don't even have her current address.

When there are thousands of miles separating people and traveling to visit is put on hold for years at a time, due to some circumstance, it can be hard to keep a connection alive. But I don't think you just become indifferent to the existance of someone like a sister. I didn't do anything bad to her.

Part of her admiration for "successful" people includes her wanting to believe that she has nice manners, such as upper class people are supposed to have. When our mother died, we discussed properly thanking people who offered condolences to our family. I offered to send out the "thank you" notes, as I like to do that sort of thing, whereas she would have found it a real chore. She told me that I need only send those notes to people who had sent flowers and not to people who had merely visited at the wake. If she had ever bothered to crack open an etiquette book, she would have found that no expert on nice behavior agrees with that. I was mildly horrified that she would think you're just supposed to thank people who spent money. Some of the most heart-warming gestures were made by people who didn't spend money: neighbors who came by to visit our father, non-relatives who showed up at the wake and spent time sitting with my father (some of them - childhood friends of my father's, who sat near, while he cried.) Nice person that she genuinely can be, she seems utterly clueless about what principles govern appropriate courteous gestures. But she thinks she knows, and she seems to assume it's about money. She's really not that cold, but she may be that dumb.

Maybe I've just solved the riddle. She never was a deep thinker. Maybe some things just don't occur to her. She was never good at spontaneous expressions of warmth. When I used to visit an aunt of ours who was dying of cancer, my sister told me that she would have no idea what to say to our aunt. I guess, in a sense, my sister is kind of shallow . . . not in that she's uncaring. Rather she seems to have some impediment in her ability to express caring. It's her capacity for expression that seems grossly under-developed. That may be something she can't help. Maybe I need to be more understanding of that.

Well, I guess I've beaten this subject to death. I would like to get over being so bothered about this. It has lately ruined my piece of mind.

To answer the question,

"Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?"

If relative wealth or money in the bank is an issue between people it is because one or both have prejudices, fears and/or insecurities regarding their disposition in this matter.

This wonderluster has made friends with people much poorer and much richer than myself.

I have certainly have known or known of rich people disliking the poor and poor people disliking the rich. This is simply prejudicial attitudes.

I can only say what I have experienced in my life.

It really comes down to who a person honors and respects.