Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?

It sounds to me like you have a really good insight into her behaviour. Whatever is behind her behaviour from all that you've written here I am sure it is not about you at all, but about her own stuff.

Hugs to you Rose, I can see that her behaviour has been hurtful and perplexing to you, but she is still your sister and you do care.

PS You make a great point about commonality and shared experience separating those with money from those without, I think you are very good at 'getting into another's shoes and seeing it from their perspective'. I don't think it's true in every case that people stick only with their own 'sort' but the very existance of class systems would support what you are saying.

I'm sorry, your sister just sounds like a really shallow person who's not very connected to the world at-large. Hard times are good for people or lean times. It teaches you how to get by and how to survive, so you can truly appreciate the wealthy times. It also teaches you innovation and creativity because you have to learn to make do without things. And you learn who your real friends are.

I understand about the obligatory gift thing. I abhor that. My family has been doing that for years. I just stopped. There is so much bad blood between all of us and I don't understand what the fake Hallmark cards and $25 gift cards are really supposed to be saying. I don't want freaking gift cards, I want time. My family could never understand that I valued their time and friendship and companionship more than some stupid gift. I can buy myself whatever I need or want (although right now wants are all on hold because I'm looking for a new job). I don't need or want their stupid gift card. What I do want is a Saturday morning to go fishing or go to the movies...but they never want to do that. I used to be really close to my brother and one day, after I had been a nanny for him for his first child for 2 years, and complained that he never called me for anything except babysitting these days, he told me point blank he couldn't spend time with me anymore, and that was from his wife. What kind of wife drives a wedge between two siblings? They always thought I was out for their money because I struggled for a while when I was in grad school (I was a grad student, grad students struggle financially, it's a rule) and then I worked in the nonprofit field so even though I completely supported myself, both of my siblings made more than me because they went into IT.

Anyways, my point is that I stopped sending cards and pointless gifts after all the bad blood because I'm honestly not close with my family, except my mom, because they are all users and abusers and why would I keep in touch with people who have physically abused me?

Honestly, it's hard, but I wouldn't bother with that relationship with your sister. Keep in contact with the sister who has some compassion, caring, and empathy, and let the other one be as she is. You can't change her. Accept her yearly gifts, send her a thank you note, and just let it go. Send a gift if you want to, but only if you want to, not because you're obligated to.

That's my take.

And to answer your original question, I would say that no, in general wealthy people aren't uncomfortable with less wealthy people, but money between family members is super weird, and I would say that within families that it can be true that there is a level of discomfort. Because family members tend to expect everyone in their family to be at the same "level" and they don't understand when someone values something else.

Seesaw

Seesaw, it sounds like we have had similar reactions to similar experiences. Thanks for your take on what you've gone through. My sister's not very connected to the world at large, and I'm not sure what explains that. Her interests are pretty limited. She has no hobbies. Her immediate family is everything to her. I think there is a similar in-law dynamic in our situations, also. Her husband seems to curtail her contact with her family. One time she invited me to come for Thanksgiving dinner at her home. Then I heard she wasn't even going to be home for that holiday, but she never told me. When I called her, she said her husband objected to her inviting me because he hadn't invited his sister. When I said I was surprised she hadn't let me know her change of plans, she replied, "Nothing was written in stone." Other times, when we had a lunch date, she'ld call the night before to re-schedule because her husband suddenly needed her to do something. It seems to be a control thing with him, where she can't make a move without him making her alter her plans in someway.

I guess I've been avoiding the conclusion that you've recommended because I've wanted to believe that, eventually, this all could be "fixed." I'm always wanting to "fix" things. So maybe I frustrate myself by not letting go and accepting that "It is what it is." There is a lot about her that is really admirable, and I think highly of her on a number of fronts. She's generous, responsible and handles a lot of things with integrity. However, she's told me that, "Given the needs of my immediate family, I don't have a lot of time for extended family." And her husband and children do seem to be awfully needy of her. They seem to continually keep her jumping through hoops they hold up, just to reassure themselves that they can.

I do believe that the stupid annual gift is her way of saying that I honestly do matter to her. But it's hard to feel any joy in getting it. Still, I always write a thank you note as warmly expressed as I can make it. Maybe that encourages her to think her gesture is succeeding. I think I may stop with the effusive "thank you" notes. But that seems mean on my part.

I think you should consider asking your sister why she never calls. Before you carve her out of your life, just check on the reason. She might start calling. She may just feel that it is your job to keep in touch without realizing how you feel about this dynamic.

It really means a lot to me to pick out a gift for someone—it’s an act of caring, and I’m crushed when I get no response. I live for a response. It may be a way she is trying to she caring.

Don’t think all bad thoughts, especially if the thoughts came on suddenly. You would have known a long time ago if this was how she felt.

Yeah, you sound really angry at your sister. It kind of resonates with me because I had similar issues with my sister...not around finances...but it seemed like she was always jealous of me for whatever I had...be it a relationship, or a job, or lifestyle. Whatever. She was status conscious.

When I fell on hard times my sister dropped me off her radar for a decade. Then she got a terminal illness...and suddenly she was back in my life! She just picked up as if those ten years of neglect never happened, and because she was dying, well, she was protected from criticism. It was horrible because so much was unsaid and to me it kind of poisoned the atmosphere. Then she died. Poof. All that subliminal drama...and then...poof. Gone.

The bottom line was I loved her but was also very angry. The most she ever gave me was she said she wasn't very efficient at being honest with her feelings. Which was as good as saying she wasn't going to discuss the past. She knew I was angry. But she simply ignored it.

I do think that status is largely determined by wealth and the wealthy do think that those who are poor or broke "made their bed." Having fallen on hard times I have become socially invisible in my wealthy community.

It sounds like your sister does not want to have a close relationship with you. The reasons may be a multiple mystery. A lot of what my sister did came from basic insecurity that she hid well from most people but I saw it. It made her uncomfortable that I saw her insecurities and, I think, caused her to keep a distance. She had a habit of sending me "recycled" gifts and even told me who gave them to her! She thought all things should be continually recycled. I ended up recycling a lot of her recycled gifts...but not all...because she was an artist so I kept some really cool artistic things.

If you like your sister's gifts keep them and enjoy them. I consider all gifts "booty" and I don't care what the source but then I am pretty unsentimental. If I don't like a gift I immediately recycle it. I'll donate it to a charity shop...whatever. Things are just things. But don't just chuck it in the trash. As someone else may enjoy it.

It is more important to know when one is hurt because maybe one loves others more than one is loved by them. Is that you? Doesn't this get highlighted during the holiday season? If so, hugs!

If you have a life that suits you than I say congratulations. It's way more than I have at present. I have been rich and I have been poor and for me rich is better. It represents security and independence. If you have that then you are basically rich. I am not talking about status...just resources. If all your needs are met, and you are comfortable, then, who has the audacity to criticize that?

In the end it is all dust in the wind. Just love who you want, and forgive them their weaknesses, as we all have them.

Personally I think people know what they are doing when they slight others and hurt others...and for whatever reason...they don't care. That's a big piece of evil I don't want to be a part of, and, I am sure, neither do you.

You may actually love your sister more than she loves you. That's okay even if sad.

I think wealth is a very relative concept. There are people who make 10 times less than me and those who make ten times more. For some I am certainly well off and for some I'd be considered poor.

I don't think there is universal concept of wealth. How much money do you think makes one rich?

I don't think it's fair to judge people for having money. Saying that rich are all selfish or dismissive of others is the same as saying all poor lazy and that's why they are poor. Plus honestly if someone is rich not because of their great talent or hard work but because they married someone rich or inherited wealth, for me their wealth has no special kind of meaning.

Sibling relationships could be tricky though. It's not always 100% fair either and sometimes we just have to accept how it is. I can rely on my brother in times of hardships but if I sat around waiting for his phone calls, we'd probably rarely if ever talk as he just doesn't call. I pick up the phone and call if I want to hear him. It's what it is.

I appreciate the very thoughtful responses above. There's food for thought in them.

People’s attitudes about money can be way out there. I know stories that are incredible. My family has very strange, dysfunctional, traumatic issues with money.

You should probably tell your sister it would mean a lot to you to have a better relationship with her, that she should call you more often and really communicate.

My sister said that to me and now I call her more. We got closer.

Of course it can’t be just about money. There’s something deeper going on there.

It's a good idea to tell siblings how we feel.

My brother and I had a talk about how we would like to be closer (emotionally speaking, we see each other often enough as we live close by). So we periodically try more. Then it dwindles again. My therapist says it's what it is and is common. We are there in time of need and that's probably what counts the most. I agree. Although we both would like more closeness, but it's just how it is. As about money, my brother makes three times more than me (just his choice of career) but I'd never think it has any kind of meaning or makes a difference. We both are terrible with money and are big spenders and aren't good about saving, so it's no matter who has more.

Different values, different assumptions, yes.

I am on income assistance now and poverty stricken. I do feel that people look down on me and they show me disdain. They see a physically able person and assume I should be and am capable of working. I think some cast me an eye of resentment that the taxes they pay are being given to support someone being lazy and unwilling to work. Attempts to educate them falls on deaf ears.

But do they actually say it to you or you assume they look down on you? I make ok money but I don't look down on those who don't and I don't think those richer than me look down on me. Do you have proof that they look down on you? Perhaps you just feel that what happens? And I think you can make good money and still have good values and you can be poor and be a horrible human being. One isn't related to another.

I read online about a study that found that as people's incomes went up they became less generous. I am sorry I cannot name the source. This could be a general sort of thing but the survey determined that those with more challenging lifestyles had more compassion. However, I think divine1966 made a good point...that we must remain vigilant lest we make inaccurate and broad assumptions. Perhaps I have been doing this. However, I never see myself as "living in poverty"...as I came from an upper middle class family, went to good schools, and have advanced degrees. I think that I am just "broke" and that I have gone through periods like this before and have come out the other side. I think this thread has really invited me to think in a more flexible way. I appreciate all the comments.

I've talked to her in the past about how I was disappointed that we were drifting apart. A few years later there was tension in the family over my father leaving a very mean-spirited will. I tried to not get into any squabbles with anyone, but my two sisters got resentful of each other. My father was playing them against each other. I scolded him for that, but I lived so far from them all that I had little influence on what was going on. At that time, this sister who has distanced herself became very defensive and accused everyone of being mean to her. That was kind of laughable because she went along with my father drawing up a will that disinherited my other sister. My father kept changing his mind about which sister he was leaving his house to. What he was doing was very nasty. But the sister who managed to get the house is the one who never calls me. She helped my parents a lot, so I wasn't surprised or disturbed that she inherited the most. But I think she feels defensive about assisting my father in being horribly hurtful to my other sister (he left that sister one dollar.) So she spun this narrative about how she was there caring for my parents and deserved to get most of what was passed down and, besides, everyone was mean to her. No one did anything to her. She was the one enabling my father in nasty behavior, which happened to financially benefit herself. I had already told my father that I didn't care what he did with his house and that peace in the family was more important to me than any amount of money. Well, he did leave me a financial asset of sizesble value, which I was even surprised to get. (My dad and I tended to fall out with each other.) I immediately shared what I got with my sister who got nothing. Eventually, my sister who inherited the house sold it and shared some of the proceeds with my other sister. So that all turned out kind of okay. But when the turmoil was going on, the distant sister said I didn't deserve her friendship. I thought that was just a wild thing to say and just reflected all the emotional turmoil in the family at the time.

I'm very sadly coming to a conclusion that I've avoided coming to for ten years. What this sister did in collaborating with my father was mean to my other sister. And it seemed so out of character for my sister to participate in it. I don't know how in the heck she rationalized it to herself. But she did rationalize it. In order to do that, I think she had to create a belief in her own mind that her siblings had somehow wronged her and she was a victim in some way.

During the height of the family turmoil, she lashed out with crazy statements - orally and in writing. I just let these crazy things go by and did not get into a back and forth with her. My two sisters have more or less reconciled. It seemed we all were back on nice terms with each other. I don't bring up what my sister did. I don't criticize her. But I guess she nurtures the belief that I somehow wronged her. I think she has to believe that to justify how awful she acted ten years ago. So she maintains this coolness. I would never have gone along with my father being so mean to one sister. So I think my distant sister feels some shame deep down inside. A few years ago, she said that I have strong moral principles and would make a good Sunday school teacher. She wasn't being sarcastic. She said it very sincerely when I was talking to her about how I was thinking about taking up some kind of volunteer work at my church.

No offense but your sister sounds narcissistic. Weak people are dangerous people.

You are right on more than one account. Do I have proof everyone looks down on me? No. But some do. I have been rudely and flippantly told to get a job.

It's gross how many squabbles are there over inheritance. I want my parents to spend every penny on themselves.

Actually, my sister often has seemed the opposite of narcissistic. For example, she was very pretty, but always tended to dress in clothing designed to attract as little attention as possible. (It seemed that her favorite color was beige.) She never seemed to have an over-abundance of self-esteem. But she is very self-righteous. She seems to desperately need to believe that she has never, never, never ever "done anything wrong." It's a funny mindset - very different from narcissism. She doesn't seek much credit or admiration for anything. She's not a bragger. But she seems horrified at the thought of ever being guilty of anything.

The weak part kind of resonates more. Not that she isn't very strong and capable in may ways. She is. But she has always had a kind of fearfulness. Fear of being poor was a big motivator for her. She sees the world as dangerous, and seems to see money as the thing that insulates a person from some of that danger. I can see the logic of that line of thought, but I just have a different "take" on life. I'm more inclined to value "knowledge," as the thing that gives one mastery over one's fate.

I think I worded the title of this thread badly and misleadingly. I don't, for a minute, believe that all affluent people consider themselves superior to all poor people. I don't believe that people who are comfortably well-off are selfish. Often, people who have money have it because they were hard-working and responsible and made the most of the opportunities that life gave them. In some cases, people who are poor got poor by not thinking ahead and planning very well. (I said "some.") My real question is: "Can difference in economic status be a barrier to having close relations?" My conclusion is that sometimes it can be. I guess I always knew that, but I think I underestimated how big a factor it could be in relations within a family.

I firmly believe that my sister would feel much more invested in her relationship with me, if I were well-off financially. At one time, it looked like I was probably going to have lucrative career and be pretty well-heeled as I got further along in life. We were closer then. I think she saw us as having more in common then. But I ended up having unstable employment that went along with an unstable emotional state. She seemed to dislike both of those aspects of my nature. She made it clear she didn't want to hear about my problems with depression. I can't say I blame her there. I've learned that whining about feeling blue just gets on people's nerves. (Except in the context of a community like P.C., where we engage in mutual support.) So I don't subject her to that. And she has said derogatory things, over the years, about people based on their economic status. I don't know why I just never imagined that would apply to me.

There's an old bit of folk wisdom that says, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." When she characterized her not so well-off neighbors as "local yokels," I should have taken that more seriously. Also, I can appreciate that someone who is in comfortable straights, financially, may not want to hear about the ups and downs of a close relative who is merely just getting by week to week. We each had a different purpose to our lives. It may seem to her that my life has lacked purpose. So I guess she may feel we don't have much in common. Also, as health problems increase when one gets older, not having money can greatly impact how one copes with those issues. I never had children, so she may fear me overly relying on her when I get older.

Thinking about the increasing distance between us has made me sad. Also, it has made me angry, as I know comes across in my posts. I'm not looking to get anything from her. I haven't done anything bad to her. But this distance she keeps seems to imply that she thinks I have. That does really make me mad. I let a lot of things slide, ten years ago, when there was horrible emotional turmoil in the family over my father's will. She said nasty things to me. I thought it was the stress of circumstances, but not things she really meant. I guess she did mean the things she said . . . which I never wanted to believe could be true. I have to face that what she said reflected her opinion of me, which was kind of low. I'm heartbroken to be going through this stuff, ten years after I thought it was over. I have to look at it again because it offers an explanation for what I cannot otherwise explain.

As far as sitting down having a heart-to-heart conversation about this with her as some way of resolving anything, I don't see that as likely to do anything, but make things worse. She is an extremey defensive person. I'ld say it's her greatest weakness. Her only focus is, "I never did anything wrong. I never said anything wrong. Any unfriendliness between myself and Rose is Rose's fault." She will cling to that with a death grip.

My only hope is that, when my bf passes away and I am freer to travel, we will see more of each other and things will improve. Somehow, I don't feel very hopeful.

Because I have no children, my siblings are very important to me. They are all the family I have. It's not my sister's fault that I have no children. I don't aspire to turn into the lonely old spinster aunt that relatives feel they have to pity and look after because she is alone in the world. But I think it is cruel to act so aloof toward me, especially in light of my circumstances. Her husband has two unmarried sisters. They have wealth. They own property. I'm sure my sister and her husband keep in touch with those sisters. Her children will likely inherit from those aunts who have no children. So those aunts count. I remembered every birthday of all my nieces and nephews when they were growing up. I was very fond of them. It's nothing to get a medal for. I just used to think I would never be totally alone because I did have family whom I cared about. We used to have fun together. I liked to hear about what was going on in their lives. I was very interested in how they progressed through life. I used to get pictures in the mail. Now I hear nothing. No pictures. My sister doesn't like facebook and won't participate in it. That, right there, seems to be a way of keeping up a wall - one that's a barrier.

I've wanted to think that this is all my depressive mind playing tricks on me and that it's all a misunderstanding on my part . . . that people are busy and just have trouble staying connected to someone thousands of miles away. For over ten years, I've used that as an excuse to explain things. It just no longer seems believable. Today, I've moped about this for hours. Now I'm in tears about it. Might be best to say that there is a reality to my fear and I just have to accomodate myself to something I haven't wanted to take a hard, honest look at.

I feel like telling this sister that I just won the state lottery for ten million dollars. Then I could see if any behavior changes. My sister has a son who works in the financial sector. I could say I need advise on how to invest ten million dollars. I bet my nephew would be on the next plane out here.

Human beings are not angels. Money is a big part of people's consideration when deciding lots of things. It has to be. I want to accept that. I don't want to hold anyone to some standard that's ridiculous and unrealistic. Going around feeling slighted and offended is a miserable way to feel. I'm doing a good job of making myself miserable. It's hard to shift my focus by turning to some activity that would engage my mind in a more productive way. I'm tied to being here with my bf who is too disabled to be left alone. I can't just go off somewhere. I can't just call up a friend and say, "Let's go have dinner out." I can't just go shopping or sightseeing. I can't just go for a drive. I can't even just go for a long walk. I live 5 miles away, and I can't even go home.

Well, just threw myself a pity party - with the predictable result. Maybe I'll not do that tomorrow. There are better ways to spend my time that are available to me.

I think as we get older there is probably grief about not being as connected to those we love. But I think it is better to try to accept it, and the sadness that goes with it, and move on. Although it is true that having enough money makes life easier, there are a lot of things in life that are free. Like the library. Walks in the sunshine. Connecting with those we meet on a daily basis...maybe a neighbor walking their dog...or the clerk at the grocery store. Going to church. Doing a little yoga. Writing.

My sibling with the least resources is to one who is most generous towards me...with phone calls, and sending me books, magazines, and little gifts. Always remembers me on my birthday and holidays. The siblings who are well off never send a card or call. I live at a distance from all of them...but I am certain if I lived five minutes away from the ones who are self-absorbed and neglectful...it would be the same story. It does sting to think about it...but I am not them and I am glad of it.

Yes, I need to move from grief to acceptance. And I need to move on. For well over a decade - if not two - my sister has not been much a part of my life. So nothing has recently changed. What's recent is this kind of sudden awareness that she seems to want it that way. I don't know what suddenly brought this on. I can't figure that out. I visited her four years ago. She was very nice. I came back from that visit very refreshed in my soul and grateful for her hospitality. It seemed that the awfulness of ten years ago was receeding into the forgetable past. It's been hard not feeling free to travel these past four years. I just figured that someday I will be able to, and I'll look forward to seeing both my sisters and their families. And I believed they will be glad to see me. Now I believe that this one sister is in no hurry to see me. I called her back in April, and I haven't heard from her since. No contact for five months. I believe she will probably call me right before Christmas - like she did last year. That's a "duty call." I don't want any duty call from her. I gave her number a special ringtone, so I think I won't even answer it when she calls. I guess she does dislike me. That's her privilege. What I hate is the phoneyness of the gestures that are just motions she goes through because she cherishes her self-image of being the nicest of people.

I am thinking right now that I am becoming crazy. This resentment is poisoning my soul, or at least ruining my day. I do have to accept and move on. I guess I'm still stuck in the grieving stage.

I keep responding because I think I really do know how you feel. My heart goes out to you. I am sure your sister doesn't dislike you. It sounds like she is very involved with her own immediate family. People only have so much time and energy and they usually devote the most time and energy to those who are near and dear. Some siblings are close but I don't think it is the norm.

Thanks for having empathy for how I feel. I don't believe this is a case of being too busy. She is retired. Her children no longer live with her. She has no grandchildren.

I don't expect to necessarily be "close" to her. This isn't a case of just failing to be real close. This is more like sending a message in a passive-aggressive way. Then, again, that may be too strong. This is someone who has dropped me from her list of those she considers friends. Even that's okay. She has a right to choose her friends. She can't help who she is related to. But this is a decision to avoid me for some twisted reason. I never before thought if her as a twisted person. A counselor once told me that I may have over-idealized her. There is something sick behind this. She has demonstrated some very sick thinking in the past. A cousin of ours was visiting my father frequently when he was within months of dying. He was the son of my father's favorite sister and was coming to see my father - I believed - out of kindness. My father had been very attentive to his mother when she was dying. My sister said this cousin was only coming around hoping my father would leave him some money. I was aghast at what a horrible thing that was to say. My cousin is financially quite secure. He continues to be a warm friend to me, and I hear from him every few months. I don't mean to comb the past looking for negative things about my sister. But, when I remember something like that, it helps me see that this growing distance may say more about my sister than it does about me.

I have another sister who does keep in touch and has been warmly concerned about my guy and me beyond what I ever thought she'ld be. I guess I should be thankful for that and realise "you can't win 'em all." This other sister is up to her ears in problems and has a needy family that keeps her hopping with one thing and another. Between job, kids and grandkids, I don't know how she manages to ever be on the phone with me. She says that talking to me actually helps her. I guess that's about as nice a thing as anyone could say to me. I guess I better be grateful for what I do have.

In any family, some are closer than others. I don't pressure anyone into having more to do with me than they want. I have a crazy brother who's in and out of jail. Eight years ago he called to tell me that he had no use for me. I got tired of taking care of his pets whenever he went to jail. That ended his interest in me. I had been bailing him out of jail and going to court to support him. But he decided I wasn't much of a sister. It was hurtful, but I got over it. So now I have this to get over. Maybe, as with my brother, it will be best when I just put the relationship with my sister as something that belongs to the past. As with him, I may need to stop doing the back and forth thing. That can be way more draining and hurtful than just totally giving up and moving on. I just never thought I'ld go through that again. I don't put my sister in the same category as my whacko brother. But the rejection feels pretty much the same. Worse, really. My brother is mentally ill. My sister thinks carefully and rationally about everything she does.

As far away as I am from everyone, I don't know why the lack of a few phone calls a year should matter. It doesn't change my life much. I guess it's that I didn't know this was coming. When I phoned my sister in the spring, I figured she would take the initiative a few months later and phone me. I sort of clung to that illusion that things were basically alright between us. The illusion won't hold up anymore. An uncle of ours has told me he thinks I try too hard. He has said that as manipulative as my sister was about getting most of my parents' money that I shouldn't even bother with her. I was stunned to hear him say that. He has known all of us our whole lives, and I thought he warmly regarded all of us. I suppose he does. But he has told me that I wasted too much energy on my brother and am wasting my efforts, now, on my sister. I admire him as a man who manages to lead a pretty happy life.

Emotional hurt heals and goes away. It takes time. I can't get over this tonight. I have to believe I will get over it. This dream of having a reassuring bond with this one sister may just be a dream I have to stop chasing. I don't want to be hurt by her anymore. Ten years ago was so awful that I became suicidal for a short while when family disharmony was at its worse. But I'm not stupid enough to off myself over someone being mean to me. I never have depended on any one person that much. Now, ten years later, this emotional misery is starting for I know not what reason. I'm not clever enough to keep up with the twists and turns in this sister's mind, and I don't want to. The best thing would be for her to fully fade out of my life, as my brother has done. I think about him every day and hope he is okay. But not seeing him or hearing from him has brought more peace to my life. I don't want her hanging back just beyond the periphery of my life, but dipping a toe in once in a blue moon to carry on this farce of putting a good face on things. I've always believed that you never give up on people you care about. Maybe sometimes you have to. I want peace of mind . . . to stop fretting over a bond with someone who doesn't value it. It seems that I have nothing to give that she needs or cares to receive. I am not without value . . . even if I have no portfolio of investments or a single square foot of real estate to my name.

Society in general, has little capacity for poor people.

Honestly if I called a relative and expected them to take turn next time and months later they still didn't, I'd call them myself. I really don't fully understand this. I'd not make subsequent phone calls to someone I am dating if they don't call me. But I don't Use this tactics with family. Certainly if you called and she was nasty to you, then it's different. I do understand concept give and take but it seems to be taking a bit to extreme and at the end it causes you pain.

If you miss your nieces and nephews, you can contact them too. I don't understand keeping track who called who. It's time and energy consuming. Just pick up the phone. Now if you call and leave them messages and they never get back to you, then it would be clear they need space. But I wouldn't sit and wait for them to take turns

I'm not expecting some even-steven exchange of phone calls, where there has to be exact reciprocity. But there has to be some reciprocity. I'm not basing this just on the last call coming from me. And I know that people differ in what comes natural to them. For instance, I'm a card sender and letter-writer. That's me. I've always been that way. As a child, I did the Christmas cards for my parents. If I never got anything in the mail from my siblings, that wouldn't cost me a thought. It's not their thing. My pain is based on a good 15 years of my sister being oddly remote and uncommunicative . . . and even further back than that. Her never initiating contact is what's extreme. And I did try not to read anything into that for the longest time. But there comes a point . . . I began to feel foolish calling her, but I did it anyway.

So much of her behavior has been odd. Some years back, I was back in the area where my family lives. Before my s.o. was sick, I used to travel back and forth a lot and rent a car and travel to see relatives in two neighboring states. I let her know I would be coming to see her also and when that would be. When I got to her house, she was all friendly. Then she said that she and her husband would be going on a mini-vacation out-of-town the next morning, but that I was welcome to use her house while they were away. I hadn't come there to "use her house." So the next morning I departed. There was no unpleasantness. I didn't act disappointed. But it seemed odd to me that she hadn't mentioned beforehand that she wouldn't be home.

I've never expected any of my family to travel to visit me, and they haven't. That's never cost me a thought. I'm the one who moved far away. I come back to see them. I don't impose and hang around more than I think they would like me too. Often I've even rented a motel room by the beach, which I enjoy, and it gives me my own space, and I'm able to meet up with people without crowding them. Usually, I've rented a car, so no one has to chauffeur me around.

Other more distant relatives stay in touch with me. I'll hear from them, and they'll say "When are you coming out this way? We hope to see you, when you do." That's what seems normal. I don't have to wonder "Am I really wanted?"

At the same time, I don't feel my sister is mad at me about anything. I feel very perplexed. Some in the family tell me that my sister's husband is odd and is behind all this . . . that it's he who finds ways to undermine my sister being connected with her family. There is some evidence of that. But my sister is responsible for her own behavior.

If there was a reason for hard feelings, I'ld understand. If my sister were mad at me, or hostile like my brother, I'ld give up caring, as I have with him. Instead, there is just this utter lack of interest. Not everyone need find me interesting. I may not be to some. Maybe that's what it boils down to.