[chaotic13]

Today I attended a family gathering where I saw family I haven't seen since my father died 10 yrs ago. It was my cousin's 50th birthday and 25th wedding anniversary. My husband refused to attend with me. He says my family is too stuffy and it was too far for him to travel. It was only 2 hrs away, but really it was no big deal to me if he went or not. I've learned that if he doesn't want to go some place its best for everyone if he just stays home. It turns out my brother and I went together and had a real nice time.

For some reason I found myself making it a point to really tune in to what was going on, not only listening intently to everyone’s conversations but also observing their body language and non-verbal communication. I saw a lot of people who you could tell were just going through the motions of living. They had families, spouses, careers, and all kinds of tangibles; but the connections just didn’t seem real.

However my cousin and his wife really stood out. You could tell that they had something different going on between them. They had invited everyone there to celebrate it with them. You could tell that they were just in complete balance with one another, that they truly enjoyed being together. They really seemed to be living in the moment and that there was no where else in the world that they wanted to be. They were completely absorbed in the joy of the event, and their joy just seemed to spill off into the crowd. What they have seemed so real that it made me shiver. I was so happy for them.

On the car ride home I couldn’t help but feel—I want THAT! How do I get it? Is the fact that my husband and I don’t have it my fault? During my last therapy session, after a lot of prodding from T, I actually admitted that I was no longer attracted to my husband. I said I wasn’t just talking about being physically attracted I was talking about the whole package. That it was really hard for me to show someone love and affection when I really didn’t feel it. I said I would miss him if he wasn’t there and that I didn’t think leaving him would make me any happier. All I could say at that point was that I just wasn’t sure if I really cared deeply for him. She said to me… ‘you realize a lot of married women feel this way.’ I think she thought I would take comfort in knowing that I was not alone…but honestly… it wasn’t comforting at all.

[SeptemberMorn]

Love isn't just a warm, fuzzy feeling. It's a lifetime commitment that you Work at every single waking moment of your life... for better or for worse.

I get ya, though! Wish I had or had had it, too. "But not for me."

[spal]

It's normal that you would feel this way. Don't forget, however, relationships are a two-way street. If he doesn't want to work on your relationship, it's not going to be healthy. I know that marriage is tough but feeling duty-bound to stay in something that has been making you miserable for years is not healthy. Sure, you have to commit to get over the bad patches but so does he and he sounds like he checked out a long time ago.

[ImGoingSane]

I may only be 19 but I think I can make you feel a little better on this. What I have noticed is that the people who seem so perfect around people really aren't the same behind closed doors. It is amazing how people can put on such an act for such a long time. People are what you make out of them and when it comes down to it we are all human and nothing more. Men are very self absorbed, I happen to be one, maybe try getting into some of your husbands interests and letting him talk or having him come to therapy with you to understand you better as a person with feelings rather than a nagging lady who lives with him. Just get your spark back and I promise you will have many happy years together! Life is just a book and this is going to be a chapter that may not be pretty to read back on but it will all make sense toward the end.

[Doh2007]

My therapist told me that if I was married to the perfect person, we would still end up dealing with the same issues.

I've learned that when I feel bored with my spouse, it means that I'm actually angry with him.

My husband kept me from falling in love with him. I think it felt like smothering to him. But I act loving towards him. And that's more about me than about him. But he likes it and it makes him a more interesting person.

[Perna]

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mckell13 said:
On the car ride home I couldn’t help but feel—I want THAT! How do I get it? . . .I said I would miss him if he wasn’t there and that I didn’t think leaving him would make me any happier.

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Why would you miss your husband? What do you "get" from keeping things cozy and the same? Has your husband changed? Was he "interesting" or willing to do things when you first dated/married him that he no longer does?

My husband and I are very companionable. He's sitting out on the porch, less than 10 feet from me at his laptop and me here at mine; we even send e-mails to each other :-) One cat is on my side of the screen door to the porch and the other is free to wander outside through the propped open porch door. We close the screen so the flies don't get into the house but then after we let the cats into the house and close the porch door we then open the screen without first checking for flies so they just fly into the house anyway if there are any! The cats meanwhile drive us batty whining to be on whichever side of the screen door they aren't :-)

But my husband and I are "connected" even at 8-10 feet. If he goes to get his second cup of coffee he'll stop at my chair and get my cup and get me mine too or vice versa. If I read something on the computer I don't understand, we're close enough so. . . oops, here he comes for my coffee cup :-) . . .we're close enough so I can just call out to him and ask questions or make comments. He's "outside" the house (screened porch) so I can ask about the weather or see whether he's wearing his sweater or not.

It's the very small things I think that make our relationship. We are comfortable with ourselves and each other. I just gave my car to our son/daughter-in-law because we're retired and go everywhere together so why do we need two cars? We go to each others family gatherings and are kind of like you and your brother doing so. I'm not close to my stepfamily but we do Christmas dinner at my stepsister's house with 12 of my stepgrandnieces and nephews and their parents, friends, etc. It's just tradition. I know what you mean about the people going through the motions. That and they have "other" lives from mine now for 364 days of the year so I don't feel much connection to them anymore. It feels odd when my two grown stepnieces talk about when they were little and I'd take them someplace. It's the continuity of a relationship that makes it good?

I think you can try to rekindle a relationship with your husband if you want; I don't mean necessarily sexual or anything, just "companionable" if you're going to stay with him? Think of a few "rituals" to start, for yourself at first, but that he wouldn't mind. I always try to bring a "surprise" home to my husband when I'm in a store alone; grocery store, drug store, etc. even if he's just in the car waiting for me to make a quick run in! I see something that reminds me of him or that I know he likes (Circus Peanuts, ugh, I can't stand them :-) and get it. Yesterday a business partner was coming for the day and we didn't have enough food so I ran up to the grocery store but I didn't just get the routine stuff, I got filled donuts (that the two guys devoured :-) and looked forward to Sunday when we're going camping with one son and the two grandbabies; I needed potato chips for the two men but got a huge variety bag which I'll take on the campout too. But my thinking outside the day-to-day stuff helps me probably even more than it helps my husband/our relationship! I enjoy looking for new/interesting things to show others so I bring it into my relationship with my husband and I doubt he minds either, getting presents? :-) When we worked, if I was looking at cards for an occasion for someone else, sometimes I'd find a "love" card that suited my husband and me and would mail it to his work address. LOL. My stepmother once brought home fortune cookies when we ate at a Chinese restaurant and replaced the fortunes with sayings of her own like, "Help, I'm being held captive in a fortune cookie factory!" :-) and put them in my brother's and my lunches the next day for school.

But other people respond to us and what we do in relation to them. Think how you respond to your T (and she to you). You can perhaps get what you want with your husband (since you had "something" to begin with at some time?). It will take time and work but everything good does? Some people like your cousin and my husband and I have something at the beginning and keep it going. But some of that is "luck" in terms of personality. I think anything you want you should go after. That is what life is for, pursuing the things that help you, make you more you and give you satisfaction.

[seeker1950]

McKell...We all "want that!"
I was married unhappily for 20 years, to not such a bad guy, though he has no concept of emotional intimacy.
I left him only when our daughter left home for college, moving into a ratty furnished trailer, and allowing him to write the divorce agreement without lawyers.
I can tell you that being a single female is no cake ride. There are financial challenges, as well as emotional ones. I thought, after the long unhappy and unfufiling marriage, that I'd meet "Mr. Right, " and finally find emotional fulfillment. This didn't happen, and now 11 years since divorce, I'm finding solitary contentment, albeit, with some grief over the loss of never having experienced a satisfying relationship.
I have even thought that maybe I would have been better off to have stuck with the man I married, accepting the lack of emotional intimacy, for which I desperately longed and needed.
I don't know the right solution.
Patty

[chaotic13]

Thank you all. I need to appreciate the little things and build from there.

I guess I am just at a point in my life where I seem to be changing and I just feel like nothing fits me anymore. (metaphysically as well as physically :-) ) This past year has made me look at everything differently. Unfortunately, I am not likeing what I see right now. This includes the reflection in the mirror. I've decided that I am not going to make any major changes in my marital status until I deal with whatever is going on in my head.

Thanks again for all of your insights