[oregardenmama]

Hello

You may have seen my previous post. An argument with my husband became out of hand and I ended up calling the cops on him. He was arrested and taken to jail, charged with three misdemeanors and we are on a no contact order for what looks to be a few months. I have told my parents and everyone has been nothing of supportive of me and for that I am eternally grateful.

I do believe our relationship can be salvaged provided he gets lots of help, which the court is offering him a diversion program that will drop his charges and provide lots of counseling, anger management and parenting classes. But we also need time to work on this together. Which can't happen if I can't talk to him.
I know he is remorseful and I am not worried for my safety at this point ( I mean in terms of retaliation or anything like that).

This has been THE worst few days of my life. I've done the gamit of feeling guilty, sad, angry, and really at the end of the day I just want to see him. I feel like a situation that got out of my hands at home has become a HUGE situation that's out of my hands but now with lots of people involved. I am really unsure of my choice to call and I'm really unsure how I am going to make it these next few months.

I'm not sleeping or eating, I'm inconsolable,shaking, throwing up nothing, going through bouts of sheer panic. I have a therapist but I just need more advice. Has anyone been in a situation like this ? What do you do when you feel like your life has crumbled around you with no end in sight. It feels like my world is ending.

Thank you

[Molinit]

Use this time apart to continue with your therapist and allow him to initiate his court-ordered help by himself. Honor the no-contact order, don't sneak around it. If he still hasn't initiated help for himself by the time the order expires, you will know he doesn't want the relationship.

In the meantime, you should be working on taking steps to live independently in case that becomes a permanent thing for you.

[Agent Misty]

First of all, you said you feel guilty. please don't feel guilty or like you did something to make the situation worse. Because that is going to make you feel far worse, and probably is part of why you are having such bad anxiety/panic. The thing is, the police decided what was appropriate based on what happened between you too. If he got multiple charges and a no contact order, whatever he did probably warranted it. The cops charged him, not you. You likely called them to protect yourself and beyond that, like you said, it was out of your hands. You shouldn't feel guilty when what happened, from the polices POV, appears to be serious. Guilt aside, the sadness, anger, etc isn't going to go away right away. You have to sort through these emotions and understand them, decide your next steps.

Yes, never feel guilty for protecting yourself. As stated above, the police decided he was a danger and protected you from him. It almost sounds like you have PTSD from the experience, though I cannot diagnose. Continue to work with your therapist. I know from your previous post that you love him deeply, but that he was violent towards you. Please rethink being with this man permanently. Physical violence only just escalates over time. (((hugs)))) He may sound remorseful now, but that is typically what follows abuse and after he receives the repercussions of abuse.

[healingme4me]

The only way that it's even possible for me to coparent with my ex husband and that we can even be amicable now, years later, is by virtue of the no contact for over a year, only removed in family probate. During which time, not only was I continuing to work on myself with a therapist and psychiatrist(anxiety/depression-trouble sleeping too), and his going regularly to his probation officer, significant court fees, anger management combined into regular visits with his own therapist. Attempts with family counselors with the kids, and he evolved into a better circle of friends that uplifted him.
There's no sugar coating when I say it takes a lot.
Oh let me add, the heart arrhythmia that landed him in the ER with my getting a phone call from the 'friends' he was living with that called me, asking what I planned to do about my own darn children. He no longer lives with them and has minimal contact with them now. They sent him alone to perhaps die alone. The court order was off by that point due to a complex custody type of case where I considered moving to better affordability and hope for a better financial future for myself but it involved crossing state lines. I took the kids to hospital to be by his bedside. He passed out, was heart related.

The action of distancing from him gave both of us time to 'cool off'.

It's not a fairy tale ending. Took serious work and it's life altering. He nearly broke my arm and nearly dragged me out of the window of my car. Wasn't the first time he has layed hands on me.

The charges were suspended based upon meeting court requirements. With the understanding if ever again it's not probation he'll receive.

Some relationships are too toxic to reside under the same roof.
Maybe divorced living isn't ideal for children but a dysfunctional homelife can be more damaging than a divorce.

What do you have to feel guilty about? This is the modus operandi of an abuser; causing you to doubt yourself. You owe it to yourself to work on your own needs and owe him absolutely nothing. It is entirely his own responsibility to work on his life and problems. Let him do that. Why encourage him to control you even more? Why empower him? This is called co-dependent behaviour it is not healthy. There is a thread on here about coddling and I let my opinions be known. Being tough with this situation is the best support you can give yourself.