Obsessed!!

She didn’t post on Facebook but on some mental health forum, he likely doesnt read on there

Still wonder how he might feel about their new relationship being posted anywhere especially if he knew why it was posted there..some things are best left hopefully unknown.

He wouldn't care.

I am very happy to report: I think I am finally moving on from my obsession!!!

Ever since posting on the other forum about my new man, I haven't been obsessing over the ex, I haven't thought/worried about my ex contacting me, I haven't called psychics about my ex except once, and I am focused more on my new man, my happiness with him and the present moment vs. the past. I think posting about him was the best move I made for myself. Somehow, it turned everything around.

Happy New Year!

Great! Happy New Year!

Thanks Divine! Happy New Year to you!!!

Ok, so now that my new guy is out of the picture, I am obsessing over my ex fiance again.

I don't know why I cannot let this go and it is frustrating the heck out of me. I need advice/help.

I'm obsessing over wanting to hear from my ex. I want him to still want me so that I can reject him and confront him.

We've discussed on here the futility of a confrontation because of his extreme immaturity and also because he becomes verbally abusive in response to a confrontation. I still want the chance though to confront all his lies and his possible cheating on me. I also want the chance to reject him, because when we broke up, he behaved as though he were rejecting me.

Why is this so important to me? Is my ego so fragile that I need to feel this power over him? Is my ego so fragile that I need to have the last word and make it clear that I am the one rejecting him and not the other way around?

He also always told me that he would never break up with me -- that it would have to be me that breaks up with him. The fact that he acted like he was rejecting me still hurts -- even to this day.

I am so upset with myself -- I wish to God I could just let this go and move on from it! GRRRRR.

And I DO have tendency to hold onto relationships LONG after they've ended. I obsess and can't let go... I don't know how to change this.

So I can relate. I think it upsets us that our abuser rejects us because we were the victim, and it feels like the final injustice that they then get to walk away from us and all that they did to us.

My brother was a drug addict growing up. He was extremely violent towards me. Often hurting me and attacking my physically and threatening to kill me. At school he would hit me when he walked past me in the halls. When I was around 10 he tried to molest me, but I ran away. My parents, I know, saw some of this behavior, but never addressed it. They ignored it entirely. Even though they acknowledged his drug addiction and problem, they never acknowledged what he was doing to the rest of us or to me.

On top of that he was treated far superior to me by our grandparents and other family members and by our parents. Even with being the violent drug addict that he was.

Years later in his 20s, he finally cleaned up his act. At one point he had a girlfriend, and she asked him why he and I never speak. And he had the nerve to ask me why he and I aren't closer. I just stared at him. I was like, do you literally not remember threatening to kill me as a child? Beating me up? Bullying me?

Fast forward to 2015 and my father and I have a falling out. My brother then rejects me, siding with my father, and refuses to see or talk to me. My ABUSER rejected me!? I mean it's hilariously funny in a way because he can't reject me if I don't want a relationship with him in the first place. I mean, I'd actually have to care about what he thinks or want some sort of relationship with him to care about being rejected. Since I'd be perfectly happy never hearing his name again, I don't know why he thinks that rejecting me has any kind of effect. Like withholding a relationship from me when we have no relationship is actually going to do anything. Pulease!

But the truth is that it does irk me a little bit because I have this thing in my head also saying "who the **** is HE to reject ME? He was the abuser; not me. He is the bad person, not me. He is the one who ruined lives and takes no responsibility for it."

So even though those thoughts happen occasionally, I just shake my head and remind myself that I don't want any kind of relationship with that horrible person and he can fool himself into thinking he is rejecting me but the truth is he never had a relationship with me in the first place. And he may think he is getting back at me or hurting me or getting that final jab of abuse in to me by doing this, but the reality is, I'm an adult, and I don't give a **** about him or what he thinks. So let him think he's rejecting me. I guarantee some day he will reach out and my response will be, um, who the hell are you?

If you reach out to put him in his place, he wins. Because he wants to string you along for more abuse. It's rewarding to him to get a rise out of you. The best revenge is no response. If you contact him to ***** at him, then he knows he still has some control over you and can get a rise out of you, which he enjoys.

Don't give in.

Seesaw

I was given this link about compassionate abiding, by Skeezyks on these forums. I really like it, it's been quite a revelation to me. Maybe you will find it helpful too:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

And I agree, don't contact him, it would only give you a momentary 'hit', long term you need to heal yourself.

Seesaw, thank you so much for your personal story -- this helps.

Perhaps what I am truly after is vindication from the abuse and from the wrongness of it all.... perhaps.

Thank you Sprout! I will read the article!

I won't be contacting him. All it will tell him is that I am not over him and I don't want him thinking that whatsoever.

GoldenEve;
I always want to provide a feedback but you have so many people caring for you on this forum....I feel like my messages get lost... hence I hold back. With that being said, I will only make one comment and I hope you do not take offense to what I am about to say. I am saying this with all my compassion: May be you are still suffering because your new (previously ended) relationship helped numb the pain from your break up. You did not actually stay single and deal with it. I am trying to be as gentle as possible with my words here because I certainly do not want to come off as judgemental. But, i do not see how anyone could heal from such a big heart ache (and you had other problems, such as your job situation) if she/he chooses to numb the pain with a new relationship, rather than staying completely single, embracing the pain (no matter how hard it is) and deal with the horrifying questions that pop up.
I wish you the best. You have my support, along with so many other people in this forum.

TY for your feedback, your compassion and support! You wont' get lost in the shuffle!

I am not offended at all. What you say is accurate. I had not healed yet and still am healing. I had hoped a new guy would distract me and also help heal me. And in many ways, he did! It helped me to get over a few humps by getting out and having a great time with someone new. But now I am right back to my obsessions. ARGH. Yes, more healing is needed.

Do you see your ex's failure as YOUR failure? Because you could not "fix" him?

Good question, but no I do not. If I did, it would make sense why I can't let this go.

Are you still angry because you feel he could not love you enough to stop drinking and lying?

That your devotion to him was not enough?

That he isn't recognizing and respecting how much that hurt you?

Unfortunately with some break ups you will never get the closure you desire. I had an ex with whom we broke up mutually, but afterwards he would send me awful texts saying very mean things. He also spent over $1000 of my money on drugs and prostitutes. I had to block him, for my own sake.

In a perfect world we would get to say the things we want to say, and be apologized to for their behaviour, but it is not a perfect world. Sometimes, no matter how painful, we have to move forward and accept that closure will not happen.

golden_eye,

You loved a man that suffers from alcohol addiction. He can't handle his own emotional challenges let alone yours. Plus, he is addicted to the alcohol which some people simply can't overcome. A lot of people literally can't find their way to stop drinking even when they go someplace to dry out and suffer through all the horrible withdrawals. Often it isn't so much living without the alcohol in the system as much as it is living life "sober" and slowly feeling and just figuring out how to live one day to the next without the crutch of the alcohol.

I married a man who I found out suffered from binge alcoholism. I did not understand what binge alcoholism is either. Actually, my own father was a binge alcoholic so to me that binging was "normal". I have learned the hard way golden_eye that this disease takes something from the person who suffers from it and they will lie and cheat and it's really living your life with a partner that has two identities. I have been married for 37 years and I have also been married to that disease all this time, active or sober, it's always THERE. I have to say that for me, the man with the two different personalities has always been there too. Even though my husband has been sober now for 26 years, he is still living with this disease and he lives his life one day at a time and still goes to a meeting just about every night. I have to say I HAVE BEEN A LONELY PERSON in my relationship in that it's always been this ongoing challenge living with a person that I am now certain will always have these two personalities that I call Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde.

I know that my husband will NEVER really understand how MY FEELINGS have been deeply affected by his problem with this disease. I might as well admit that this disease has contributed to how I suffer from emotional abuse and neglect.

You say you are obsessed, but don't be, not with this challenge. No matter HOW MUCH you want him to understand how much his disease has hurt you, HE JUST WONT. Half the time, they don't even remember what they did or said that hurt you so much. And if they do get sober and stay sober, that becomes what their life revolves around.

Honestly golden_eye, LET HIM GO and stop wasting your time because I can tell you, HE WON'T HEAR YOU.

I am sorry but the guy is a thief (didn’t he steal from you?) user (didn’t he live off you?), an addict not seeking help? Etc etc etc People who steal and live off others do not usually listen to voice of reason.

Do you want to send him a message that he is still on your mind? Don’t think so. You already rejected him indirectly by posting on other forum that you are dating (no matter if you currently don’t, eventually will be again). So that’s a rejecting message right there. You moved on.

I’d focus on how to learn avoiding dating wrong men rather than how to make those wrong men understand something. This guy will not understand or care for what you have to say. By not contacting him you send him a message that he is of no importance and you are doing just fine.

No.... I think it just hurts, the rejection from him. He could have been being defensive by rejecting me since I broke up with him then dated and kissed someone else right away.

TY -- and you're right - Sometimes we don't get the closure we want.

Open Eyes, thank you for pointing all of this out and thanks for sharing your personal story. That reality with him has bugged me, knowing what I would have dealt with. Since I like to drink once in a while, it probably would encourage him or entice him to want to drink. That's what happened when we lived together.

Yes, he did all of that and far more. No, I don't want to write to him. You're SO right, Divine, and thank you. Thank you for pointing all of this out. I needed to hear this.

So I guess it's that I didn't get closure. I have to find my own closure.

Don't throw your pearls at the feet of swine. It's better to wait and see if you are spending time with a guy that will take of you and leave you feeling used.