I should probably ask my friends this question, not strangers, but i don´t have any friends so uh, give me advice?

I´m 18, never traveled to another country by myself, feeling a lil scared. Basically i´m planning to visit my ex boyfriend (whom i still love and we´re still kind of friends with benefits). He lives in the country right next to mine so it´s a few hours train & bus ride. I´d be staying at a hotel, and then come over at his place to ya know. Have sex to put it bluntly.
The reason i´m asking this question is because i feel a bit apprehensive. He doesn´t want anyone to know that we´re seeing each other (i totally get that) but then i´d have to…..come up with a really good lie to my parents as to why i´m going away alone all of a sudden? Or do i lie and say i´m with friends? What if they find out? He said he didn´t want anyone to be angry at him because of me lol.
Should i visit him? We´re clear on that our relationship is not emotional, purely sexual, and i´m cool with that. Mostly. I´ll probably miss him a lot and just want him back.
What would you do in my situation? Visit him and have amazing sex and possibly make him change his mind, or not visit him at all and stay at home minding my own business?

[Hearty]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

I should probably ask my friends this question, not strangers, but i don´t have any friends so uh, give me advice?

I´m 18, never traveled to another country by myself, feeling a lil scared. Basically i´m planning to visit my ex boyfriend (whom i still love and we´re still kind of friends with benefits). He lives in the country right next to mine so it´s a few hours train & bus ride. I´d be staying at a hotel, and then come over at his place to ya know. Have sex to put it bluntly.
The reason i´m asking this question is because i feel a bit apprehensive. He doesn´t want anyone to know that we´re seeing each other (i totally get that) but then i´d have to…..come up with a really good lie to my parents as to why i´m going away alone all of a sudden? Or do i lie and say i´m with friends? What if they find out? He said he didn´t want anyone to be angry at him because of me lol.
Should i visit him? We´re clear on that our relationship is not emotional, purely sexual, and i´m cool with that. Mostly. I´ll probably miss him a lot and just want him back.
What would you do in my situation? Visit him and have amazing sex and possibly make him change his mind, or not visit him at all and stay at home minding my own business?

I would leave a past boyfriend in the past, especially if you still want him back. You're way too young and precious to give yourself away to someone who regards you as a mere sex toy. Stay home and work on cultivating yourself. There's a world full of people out there for you to meet, and some who will value you inside and out!

[Erebos]

Hmmm.
Visit him, have amazing sex and be devastated and heartbroken when he doesn't change his mind...which he won't.
He doesn't need to he is still getting what he wants from you without the hassles of being in a relationship.

Or avoid all the hassle, heartbreak and lying to people who actually care about you by telling him to stuff it and staying home.
If he wants sex that badly he can come to you. And she'll out for a hotel.

Honestly I think this is a bad idea. I am all for free love and sexual expression, but that isn't what this is about.
This is you hoping beyond hope he will see you and remember what you had.

Only problem is, what you remember and what he remembers are quite different things.

And no I don't understand why you need to be a secret, except I think even he knows this behaviour is pretty low, which is why he would hide it.
Or is there another girl?

If you really need to do this to finally r get him out of your system then fair enough, but I wouldn't lie about it.
I would be totally honest and say your going to see him for a day or two to talk things over.

It's really important for safety if nothing else, thAt someone knows where you are.
And if he was any kind of man he wouldn't be encouraging you to lie, or trying to hide you from people regardless of wether your together or not.

Anyway this is just my opinion, nothing more.

You will do what you feel is right for you in the end.

Just be safe.

[MickeyCheeky]

Tbh I wouldn't do that.. especially since he has requested not to tell your location.. what if things go really wrong? :/

Originally Posted by Erebos

Hmmm.
Visit him, have amazing sex and be devastated and heartbroken when he doesn't change his mind...which he won't.
He doesn't need to he is still getting what he wants from you without the hassles of being in a relationship.

Or avoid all the hassle, heartbreak and lying to people who actually care about you by telling him to stuff it and staying home.
If he wants sex that badly he can come to you. And she'll out for a hotel.

Honestly I think this is a bad idea. I am all for free love and sexual expression, but that isn't what this is about.
This is you hoping beyond hope he will see you and remember what you had.

Only problem is, what you remember and what he remembers are quite different things.

And no I don't understand why you need to be a secret, except I think even he knows this behaviour is pretty low, which is why he would hide it.
Or is there another girl?

If you really need to do this to finally r get him out of your system then fair enough, but I wouldn't lie about it.
I would be totally honest and say your going to see him for a day or two to talk things over.

It's really important for safety if nothing else, thAt someone knows where you are.
And if he was any kind of man he wouldn't be encouraging you to lie, or trying to hide you from people regardless of wether your together or not.

Anyway this is just my opinion, nothing more.

You will do what you feel is right for you in the end.

Just be safe.

Thanks for your advice, i know you´re probably right. I want him to see me as strong and independent and.....Having sex with someone who dumped you half a year ago is the opposite of that. He´s very set on keeping our "relationship" secret which honestly makes me feel really sad. Plus, we´d be having bdsm sex and he basically said "when you´re coming to me you´ll have no rights, i´ll control what you eat and wear and you´d be crawling on the floor and drinking out of bowls" ....
I mean i like bdsm but i don´t think even i could manage all that like i´m half a virgin lmao

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Tbh I wouldn't do that.. especially since he has requested not to tell your location.. what if things go really wrong? :/

I really trust him, but who knows, maybe i´ll feel so sad at that hotel room all alone i´ll jump out the window or something. I don´t trust myself tbh.

[Erebos]

Please please read my post on your other thread.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Erebos and Mickey. Please really think about this. Why do you have to be a secret? Also, what if something happens to you in transit? Your family won’t even know where to start looking. I think you deserve better. ((((( Hugs )))))

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I agree with Erebos and Mickey. Please really think about this. Why do you have to be a secret? Also, what if something happens to you in transit? Your family won’t even know where to start looking. I think you deserve better. ((((( Hugs )))))

Thank you. I´ll be really careful when and if i visit him. Of course i want to do it, but i have to make sure it´s in a way that feels safe and good and he´ll just have to be patient. And me too hahah.

[seesaw]

He's asking you to keep it a secret so he can abuse you, rape you, maybe kill you. Seriously, even if you don't tell them why, you should at least be able to tell your family you're going to visit a friend and the address so they know where you are if you never come back.

You're half a virgin (not sure what that means, either you're a virgin or not) and you want to go be with a man who refuses to let you use his name and wants to do hard core BDSM with you when you're not even experienced enough to really know what you like. You've even said in another thread that you don't like it all that much.

Here you are saying that it's just friends with benefits and that you are actually broken up? He's using you. He is never going to be with you, and he is never going to give you want you want and need to feel safe and secure. This has nothing to do with BDSM; this has to do with him emotionally and physically abusing you.

Please call this trip off and take your safety as a priority. No matter what you do, he is not going to be there for you emotionally. Sex is not going to create an emotional relationship for him.

I have had long distance relationships and visited my lovers cross-country. None of them ever asked that I lie to anyone about where I was going. There is so much not right about this. Seriously, I do think he may try to kill you or put you in a box and keep you in the basement and rape and abuse you. Or sell you into sex trafficking.

Please please be careful.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

He's asking you to keep it a secret so he can abuse you, rape you, maybe kill you. Seriously, even if you don't tell them why, you should at least be able to tell your family you're going to visit a friend and the address so they know where you are if you never come back.

You're half a virgin (not sure what that means, either you're a virgin or not) and you want to go be with a man who refuses to let you use his name and wants to do hard core BDSM with you when you're not even experienced enough to really know what you like. You've even said in another thread that you don't like it all that much.

Here you are saying that it's just friends with benefits and that you are actually broken up? He's using you. He is never going to be with you, and he is never going to give you want you want and need to feel safe and secure. This has nothing to do with BDSM; this has to do with him emotionally and physically abusing you.

Please call this trip off and take your safety as a priority. No matter what you do, he is not going to be there for you emotionally. Sex is not going to create an emotional relationship for him.

I have had long distance relationships and visited my lovers cross-country. None of them ever asked that I lie to anyone about where I was going. There is so much not right about this. Seriously, I do think he may try to kill you or put you in a box and keep you in the basement and rape and abuse you. Or sell you into sex trafficking.

Please please be careful.

Seesaw

I value your input.
We were boyfriend and girlfriend for years, but since he broke up with me. He´s like a new person. (That´s not 100% true, our relationship back then sucked too...)
I want him to kill me because then i´d be his forever. But i WILL NOT let that happen, because it would be hurtful to my family. And he´d go to jail. I don´t want that for him. He´s "joked" in the past about how he should chain me in his basement so i don´t **** up. Sad thing is i´d probably think in my mind "oh, he´s kidnapped me, it means he loves me, he wants to keep me, literally" (he would never do that, but who knows)
My brain can be very weird sometimes.
I won´t travel to him unless someone knows about it, or the situation is saf(er). I promise myself this.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

I value your input.
We were boyfriend and girlfriend for years, but since he broke up with me. He´s like a new person. (That´s not 100% true, our relationship back then sucked too...)
I want him to kill me because then i´d be his forever. But i WILL NOT let that happen, because it would be hurtful to my family. And he´d go to jail. I don´t want that for him. He´s "joked" in the past about how he should chain me in his basement so i don´t **** up. Sad thing is i´d probably think in my mind "oh, he´s kidnapped me, it means he loves me, he wants to keep me, literally" (he would never do that, but who knows)
My brain can be very weird sometimes.
I won´t travel to him unless someone knows about it, or the situation is saf(er). I promise myself this.

This confuses me all the way around ..... You seem to talk about him and you in a romantic way... How can there be romance and love in such a unhealthy situation because I cant call it a relationship.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

He´s "joked" in the past about how he should chain me in his basement so i don´t **** up. Sad thing is i´d probably think in my mind "oh, he´s kidnapped me, it means he loves me, he wants to keep me, literally" (he would never do that, but who knows)
My brain can be very weird sometimes.

Someone who would do that-- or even say that-- does NOT love you. Someone who loves you would respect you and treat you well. This guy does not respect you at all. Based on his behavior, it doesn't ev sound like he likes you. He just wants to see what he can get away with. It's about power. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you or even you as a person. He doesn't care about you or your feelings; you're just an object for him to use when he feels like and discard when he doesn't. The things he said about wanting you to be stupid and passive are horrifying. Why would you want anything to do with a guy who doesn't value your intelligence or personality, and thinks it's better if you have no thoughts? He's being very clear. He doesn't want "you." He wants anybody with a pulse who is willing to be passive and let him abuse them. Any time you show your own thoughts or feelings, he gets annoyed and tells you to knock it off. Nothing could be clearer; he doesn't like any of things that make you "you." He doesn't want to know you. He wants to use a living body and yours will do if you stop being yourself and become an empty vessel.

There's no way he treats the "real" women in his life this way. You guys are long distance. He probably treats other women, who he knows in real life, with at least a little more respect or he would be in jail. He probably saves his worse for you because you're online so he can get away with more. Would it hurt you to realize that he probably has numerous women who he treats better?

[divine1966]

My main concern is that you said you want him to kill you so you can be his forever. It’s not healthy thought and you ought to seek help ASAP

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Someone who would do that-- or even say that-- does NOT love you. Someone who loves you would respect you and treat you well. This guy does not respect you at all. Based on his behavior, it doesn't ev sound like he likes you. He just wants to see what he can get away with. It's about power. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you or even you as a person. He doesn't care about you or your feelings; you're just an object for him to use when he feels like and discard when he doesn't. The things he said about wanting you to be stupid and passive are horrifying. Why would you want anything to do with a guy who doesn't value your intelligence or personality, and thinks it's better if you have no thoughts? He's being very clear. He doesn't want "you." He wants anybody with a pulse who is willing to be passive and let him abuse them. Any time you show your own thoughts or feelings, he gets annoyed and tells you to knock it off. Nothing could be clearer; he doesn't like any of things that make you "you." He doesn't want to know you. He wants to use a living body and yours will do if you stop being yourself and become an empty vessel.

There's no way he treats the "real" women in his life this way. You guys are long distance. He probably treats other women, who he knows in real life, with at least a little more respect or he would be in jail. He probably saves his worse for you because you're online so he can get away with more. Would it hurt you to realize that he probably has numerous women who he treats better?

What you are saying might be true. In which case, i would not want to be that girl. That girl who doesn´t have any standards and lets him do whatever to her. Although i´m probably destined to be her, i don´t deserve love and care like normal girls do. I see them walking down the street, hand in hand, smiling and giggling. Or i listen to my classmates talk about their boyfriends. Something is wrong with me/damaged/or missing. I can never have what they have.

Or, he actually does love me. Or care for me, at least. He used to say i was his soulmate, his twin. He told me all his deepest secrets, trusted me. That can´t just go away.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

What you are saying might be true. In which case, i would not want to be that girl. That girl who doesn´t have any standards and lets him do whatever to her. Although i´m probably destined to be her, i don´t deserve love and care like normal girls do. I see them walking down the street, hand in hand, smiling and giggling. Or i listen to my classmates talk about their boyfriends. Something is wrong with me/damaged/or missing. I can never have what they have.

Or, he actually does love me. Or care for me, at least. He used to say i was his soulmate, his twin. He told me all his deepest secrets, trusted me. That can´t just go away.

When he was being nice to you and telling you thise things, he was grooming you so he could abuse you. He has manipulated you by giving you a little taste of goodness, even though your relationship with him will never go back to being that way. He wants control so everytime you start to think for yourself and push back/away, he will act nicely for a time but will always go back to the abusive behavior.

He does not love you. I'm sorry. He does not.

Seesaw

[divine1966]

It’s not love. Not even close. He is just a jerk having some fun online.

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s not love. Not even close. He is just a jerk having some fun online.

Not sure. We were so in love, talked about marriage and children even. He wanted 10. He met my dad, my sisters. My dad was not too happy i had a boyfriend but my older sister really liked him.
He´s helped me so much, stayed up all night on Skype to keep me from cutting myself. He is not a bad person, but this relationship is brining out unhealthy behaviors. I told him he needed a strong assertive body builder woman haha.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

Not sure. We were so in love, talked about marriage and children even. He wanted 10. He met my dad, my sisters. My dad was not too happy i had a boyfriend but my older sister really liked him.
He´s helped me so much, stayed up all night on Skype to keep me from cutting myself. He is not a bad person, but this relationship is brining out unhealthy behaviors. I told him he needed a strong assertive body builder woman haha.

Men who love you don’t call you dumb and useless, don’t call you names and don’t make you to repeat degrading mantra. They don’t slap and choke women against their will when they have sex the first time. They don’t tell women that their entire purpose is to worship a man. They don’t insist women call them daddies or sir.

His words and actions are mean and degrading. There is nothing loving about this man. Him saying he wanted 10 kids isn’t indication of anything.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

Not sure. We were so in love, talked about marriage and children even. He wanted 10. He met my dad, my sisters. My dad was not too happy i had a boyfriend but my older sister really liked him.
He´s helped me so much, stayed up all night on Skype to keep me from cutting myself. He is not a bad person, but this relationship is brining out unhealthy behaviors. I told him he needed a strong assertive body builder woman haha.

You are aware that men can lie, right?

Originally Posted by seesaw

You are aware that men can lie, right?

Yes. They all lie. But not him, not about such important things. He could lie if he wanted to, but he is an honest person. Despite what he may think of himself. A good person is not always someone who does good without failure. He is a good person who sometimes does bad things, like all of us. Like myself. God knows i´ve done some cruel ****ed up things.

Sir, if you for some reason happen to be reading this. You are not bad. You are definitely not abusive. I was confused at first, you have to understand that. All of your orders and your sternness led me to believe it. But you are not, i swear. You´re good and trying your best and i know that our past relationship hurt you. I know i´m just a Smol bee but i´ll try my best to defend you from here on, because i love you. Not blindly. I love you because you are you, a wonderful and good person. /A

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

Yes. They all lie. But not him, not about such important things. He could lie if he wanted to, but he is an honest person. Despite what he may think of himself. A good person is not always someone who does good without failure. He is a good person who sometimes does bad things, like all of us. Like myself. God knows i´ve done some cruel ****ed up things.

Sir, if you for some reason happen to be reading this. You are not bad. You are definitely not abusive. I was confused at first, you have to understand that. All of your orders and your sternness led me to believe it. But you are not, i swear. You´re good and trying your best and i know that our past relationship hurt you. I know i´m just a Smol bee but i´ll try my best to defend you from here on, because i love you. Not blindly. I love you because you are you, a wonderful and good person. /A

It’s concerning that you think all men lie. It’s not true. Some men and women lie. Not all.

I agree that perhaps he is honest when he makes all these degrading comments. He likely really feels that you are dumb and worthless and don’t deserve respect . But you aren’t. You let him to brainwash you. It is so sad.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

I should probably ask my friends this question, not strangers, but i don´t have any friends so uh, give me advice?

I´m 18, never traveled to another country by myself, feeling a lil scared. Basically i´m planning to visit my ex boyfriend (whom i still love and we´re still kind of friends with benefits). He lives in the country right next to mine so it´s a few hours train & bus ride. I´d be staying at a hotel, and then come over at his place to ya know. Have sex to put it bluntly.
The reason i´m asking this question is because i feel a bit apprehensive. He doesn´t want anyone to know that we´re seeing each other (i totally get that) but then i´d have to…..come up with a really good lie to my parents as to why i´m going away alone all of a sudden? Or do i lie and say i´m with friends? What if they find out? He said he didn´t want anyone to be angry at him because of me lol.
Should i visit him? We´re clear on that our relationship is not emotional, purely sexual, and i´m cool with that. Mostly. I´ll probably miss him a lot and just want him back.
What would you do in my situation? Visit him and have amazing sex and possibly make him change his mind, or not visit him at all and stay at home minding my own business?

for so many reasons I would opt out of this visit. Personally I don't do friends with benefits anyway but even if I did, I would never do that with someone that ws hours away that required a long trip and a stay in a hotel. No sex, no matter how good is worth that.

Secondly, on top of that, if someone isn't comfortable with being seen with me, or that is ashamed or hiding the fact that I am hooking up with them, they don't deserve to share a bed with me for even a single night. Let alone have me spend money to fly, boat or train to them just to have said sex. I mean really, they are willing to get naked with you but don't have the backbone to have this fact public facing? As in letting people know you do this? This just screams that you're just a piece of meat to them all over the place. Sorry to be so blunt but it does.

I don't know if it is for you but is it worth hiding/lying/deceiving your family and/or loved ones just for this fling? Is it worth the amount of suspicion that may be raised because of this deception?

tldr; I'd stay home.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s concerning that you think all men lie. It’s not true. Some men and women lie. Not all.

I agree that perhaps he is honest when he makes all these degrading comments. He likely really feels that you are dumb and worthless and don’t deserve respect . But you aren’t. You let him to brainwash you. It is so sad.

what's more concerning about it is not that one might believe that all men lie but that in contrast to this, this male has been clearly lifted on some kind of pedestal as if they are one of a kind.

Just from reading the initial post spoke volumes to me that this is a run of the mill typical guy using a female for sex and wanting to play the field clearly by the fact that it needs to be hidden.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

what's more concerning about it is not that one might believe that all men lie but that in contrast to this, this male has been clearly lifted on some kind of pedestal as if they are one of a kind.

Just from reading the initial post spoke volumes to me that this is a run of the mill typical guy using a female for sex and wanting to play the field clearly by the fact that it needs to be hidden.

Yes I agree and those other issues are addressed in ops other posts.