[Roserose329]

This will probably be long.. I'm sorry. I'll try to make it short.

So I'll give yall a little back story. I've been abused almost my whole life. Obviously that had some negative effects in my life.. I started drinking heavily at 14 and seeking any attention I could get, mainly from males. I didn't want to get physical with them, I just wanted to show off a little and get that rush. That's when I met my now husband. We've been together for over 10 years now.. Well I randomly go through phases of needing that male attention.. and it gets really intense. Like I can't sleep at night just needing to feel wanted, needing someone to want me a fierce desire.

Obviously, I have my husband and we do ok for the most part. But we struggle a lot. We both have a lot of baggage that we have to deal with. And it's like living in a constant state of being overwhelmed. It's so hard to explain. I love my husband, I have since the day I met him, and we both try. We are always trying for each other. But I feel like we just come up short. And I don't know how much more I can handle. We don't even really have sex anymore..

I'm a stay at home mom to 3 kids and I have no escape. We have no babysitters, my husband does all of the shopping. I literally stay in my house all day everyday. And he has our car for work and works insane hours, so I can't even do the shopping. I feel very isolated and alone.. up until recently..

A kind of friend of mine (very toxic person) had a long time friend (they kind of wanted to try dating) come up from a different state for 2 weeks. And he was debating on moving up here if everything went well.. well let's just say that it pretty much instantly went bad. So he ended up staying with us for the remainder of his trip.. and this guy I had barely known became like a best friend.. we talked about growing up (both from the south) we talked about our struggles in life, we talked about our interests and things we wanted to do. We both love the same music so we listened to a lot of music, (which is hard for my husband and I because he's not really into music.) We played board games (again, my husband isn't a big fan of games) we could just talk and interact and connect on a level that I haven't seen in a very long time. I'm not saying I'm in love with him or anything like that.. like I said, he's like my best friend, like I've known him my whole life.

But I did want that attention from him and maybe more.. thankfully that did not happen (and I didn't try to make it happen, I just kind of wanted it to) anyways.. we dropped him off at the airport today and I am absolutely heartbroken. I mean, we have each others phone numbers so we can talk sometimes.. but now I'm back to this house feeling more empty than I did before. Like I'll never feel alive again.

Is it bad that I want to feel alive? I don't think it is.. but what is bad.. is wanting to feel it when I know I won't get it from my husband.

Like I said, I'm not in love with this guy or anything.. but I do love the feeling I got when I was around him.. Like being alive. Like I matter.. like the things that I love doing and talking about actually matter. I just want him to come back.

I don't know how to feel and I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.

I know I should just try harder with my husband. I just don't know what else to do. I've tried going out of my way to take an interest in him and what he likes.. doing special things for him that I know he likes. We've talked about everything many times to no avail. He won't see a counselor with me. So I guess I just have to deal with it?

Any advice?

[healingme4me]

Sounds like you are drowning in a sea of intense isolation. I don't even deep down believe in my own mind that this feeling of being alive and like you matter has anything to do with him being of the opposite gender, I believe it's due to the loneliness that you must feel.
How young are your kids? Must be quite young guessing by the lack of being able to find a sitter comment. Your husband must realize, no?, the importance of the mother of his children needing some down time?

Sending warm thoughts.

[Roserose329]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sounds like you are drowning in a sea of intense isolation. I don't even deep down believe in my own mind that this feeling of being alive and like you matter has anything to do with him being of the opposite gender, I believe it's due to the loneliness that you must feel.
How young are your kids? Must be quite young guessing by the lack of being able to find a sitter comment. Your husband must realize, no?, the importance of the mother of his children needing some down time?

Sending warm thoughts.

I did want to sleep with him.. like I said, I didn't try to or anything. But it was an intense feeling.
Anyways, yeah I do agree that what I'm feeling is isolation, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it. My husband sees it.. but idk.. nothing has really been done about it. My kids are 5, 2 and 7 months.

I'm so lost right now. I can't stop thinking about this guy and how I just want to feel better, but that I don't think it's going to happen. Idk what to do. And I feel bad for feeling and thinking all of this.. like I said.. I love my husband.. I just don't know what happened to us.. or even worse.. what will happen to us.

He's gatta be feeling this to right?

[healingme4me]

It's quite possible that he does feel this way about you too. Yet, at the same time, with 2 kids in diapers and one still nursing or with a bottle, there's not much that can really be acted upon.
My own three are slightly closer in age range than yours are, not by much so I'm thinking back to that time in my own life as it's about a decade in age difference now. I was going through some health issues when my youngest was about that age. Depression was on the diagnosis table. Turned out to be a neurological illness which is in remission but the isolation I can most definitely relate to.
It's important to not lose sight of the momentous life alterinh changes that you've just experienced.
If your husband's only flaw is that you aren't feeling connected to him it could just be what you yourself are going through and it's worth talking about your fears about the changes to your relationship. He could be oblivious that you feel like you don't matter. If there's more to him in a negative way then it could be symptomatic of a lingering problem between you. Of which it's important to realize your own vulnerabilities.
I would certainly suggest to wait before making any rash life altering decisions. But know you know and recognize the weakspot of your marriage. It's like playing chess, it really is, life that is. Be cautious of any checkmate scenarios.

[Roserose329]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It's quite possible that he does feel this way about you too. Yet, at the same time, with 2 kids in diapers and one still nursing or with a bottle, there's not much that can really be acted upon.
My own three are slightly closer in age range than yours are, not by much so I'm thinking back to that time in my own life as it's about a decade in age difference now. I was going through some health issues when my youngest was about that age. Depression was on the diagnosis table. Turned out to be a neurological illness which is in remission but the isolation I can most definitely relate to.
It's important to not lose sight of the momentous life alterinh changes that you've just experienced.
If your husband's only flaw is that you aren't feeling connected to him it could just be what you yourself are going through and it's worth talking about your fears about the changes to your relationship. He could be oblivious that you feel like you don't matter. If there's more to him in a negative way then it could be symptomatic of a lingering problem between you. Of which it's important to realize your own vulnerabilities.
I would certainly suggest to wait before making any rash life altering decisions. But know you know and recognize the weakspot of your marriage. It's like playing chess, it really is, life that is. Be cautious of any checkmate scenarios.

Sorry I didn't respond last night, I cried when I saw what you wrote and I agree.
I'm sorry to hear about all of your troubles, but I'm glad to hear they are in remission.

There are alot of things going on in our relationship. Some are harder than others..
And I know that this is absolutely insane, but I want to sleep with that guy. I know it's wrong to even think about it. But I can't help it. He made me feel so alive and like I have worth. It doesn't help that he's got an amazing accent and body.

But I definitely agree that I shouldn't act on anything. Luckily, he's completely unreachable. And I don't think he felt the same way I did.

I feel horrible for feeling like this, but I feel so pushed into a corner with my family and my marriage. I simply take care of the kids and house and that's where I end. I don't matter beyond that. So if I keep up with my job, I go unnoticed, however if I have a bad day and slack on the house work, I'm noticed but not in the way that I want. Not that my husband yells about it.. but it's clear he is not happy..

And that's it. It's like I was made to be their maid and that's it. Is it bad that I want more for me? Shouldn't I be more concerned with the happiness of my children? Shouldn't I just stay with my unhappy marriage for my kids?

Is your marriage really unhappy? It sounds more like you are struggling with isolation and feeling good within yourself.... there definitely needs to be more to life than just staying at home with the kids 24/7. And if there's very little sex between you and your husband, naturally since this person came in and pumped some life back into you, you wandered mentally.

But that is not where you need to be -- or where your head needs to be, unless you feel there is no chance for you and your husband to be happy together.

Perhaps can you go out on a romantic date with your hubbie once in a while to pump some romance into your relationship? Are you able to get a sitter for a night here and there?

Your obligation right now is to yourself, your husband and your kids. You owe it to your hubbie to try...... leave no stone unturned. And if there is something lacking in the marriage OR within your own life, which is what it seems, brainstorm... how can you make it better for both you and your husband? What can you do about it? And what can be improved? Can you also talk more openly with your hubbie about the lack of sex and the isolation you feel? Your need for something greater?

Most of all, you've got to value yourself WITHIN yourself. Self worth comes from within, and is not external. Those who have been abused often suffer from low self worth and struggle with it. It cannot come from another person, a man, or an external circumstance. It must be developed within...... no matter what is happening outside yourself. That is inner strength and inner well being. So perhaps also work on your own sense of self-worth, while also seeking ways to improve happiness in your life and with your hubbie.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

[healingme4me]

It's not easy when the kids are at these ages, I won't kid you. And being housebound is not always pleasant. I've been in that scenario when mine were those ages. When my youngest began preschool, which came about from early intervention due to a speech delay at the doctor's request and school district assessment, I was able to arrange a sitter for an hour to see my kids onto their school buses and I found a part time position with mother's hours. Being around other adults and getting back to work helped me to overcome the isolation that I felt. This school year, I've found myself in a promoted position, unofficially the assistant to the director of the division that I work for. My hours are still mother's hours in a unique way though it's full time due to working within a school system. My sons are now 10(turning 11 soon), 12 and 14.
I'm also actively involved with the PTA in my sons school district.
It would seem important to talk to your husband about how you are feeling, if he's open to such a conversation. And maybe a risk assessment for depression with your doctor? You're still within that first year of giving birth. Could be situational, of course.
And if your husband isn't a supportive partner, then it's important to make a mental note of that as well. Having a bigger brood, as I refer to my own, is as stated in my last post, life altering. Is your husband also feeling the overwhelming weight of the responsibilities? Could that be why he seems to have lost his own spark with you?
There's nothing wrong with having entertained the thought of another man. We're only human. It speaks volumes of your character to not have acted upon anything, it would truly complicate things, not that in these circumstances it couldn't potentially be forgiven with all you are going through provided it were a whim.

[Bill3]

And I know that this is absolutely insane, but I want to sleep with that guy. I know it's wrong to even think about it. But I can't help it. He made me feel so alive and like I have worth.

I do not see it as wrong to have those feelings.

We don't completely control our feelings, they come and go on their own. Wanting to sleep with him make complete sense considering that you shared so much with him and were living with him and how he made you feel. It makes sense to me that you would feel that way.

You chose not to act on those feelings, and in my opinion you chose well. I my mind you are worthy of respect and honor for having chosen well when sorely tempted to choose differently.

I've read over a number of the threads you started. I think that you are doing amazing things, I have total and complete respect for you as a mom. Where you are now is at an extremely challenging time for you and your husband. In addition, you yourself have endured enormous adversity in your life. Yet you carry on; you carry on. I admire you.

I have a few thoughts/questions/suggestions. It sounds like having human contact, and reducing the isolation, could be of great help to you. With regard to human contact, have you considered calling an anonymous telephone hotline? I used to be a listener on such a hotline. About 70% of our calls, I estimate, were from people who were extremely isolated for one reason or another. People would call us daily, and more than daily, just to have that time of human connection. It meant a great deal to them. What would you think of trying that? You can also speak to someone via chat.

You could google mental health hotline plus your state to find some local services. If you prefer to speak with someone outside of your state, you could do that instead.

There also are a number of chat/coffeehouse/game opportunities here on PC. Would any of those interest you as a way to connect with people here? For example, there is the Coffeehouse: https://forums.psychcentral.com/coffeehouse/. Also, you could go to the forums page, https://forums.psychcentral.com/, and scroll down to Distractions and/or Social Group Forums.

With regard to getting out of the house a bit, I can see that it could be rough to arrange given the ages of your children and the inappropriately negative attitude of your mother-in-law. I wonder if you could do the food shopping and an errand or two. Perhaps your husband could stay home with the baby for a few hours on Tuesday and you could take your oldest with you? Or on the other hand perhaps you could bring the baby and he stay home with your older children? Something along those lines might be a way to get some time out of the house. It doesn't sound like much, but it might make a difference for you.

You mentioned that you have seen a therapist and also mentioned a psychiatrist. Are you able to see a therapist regularly? How do you feel about your psychiatrist?

Hang in there! You are doing wonderful things in a very difficult situation.

[Sunflower123]

Bill3 has some excellent advice. You are to be respected and admired. I hope you can implement some of these ideas. ((((( Hugs ))))).