[Delicious]

After months of blaming me for everything and saying that he's "tried so hard to do what I want" (Without actually doing anything) He's starting to try.

We almost broke up, but I couldn't get the words out. I hate being the bad guy and he knows this, so he makes himself the helpless victim. However, this time I didn't say "okay," this time I didn't say "I'll give you another chance" or "let's try again." I finally realized that I've been trying the entire time, and he's just beginning to.

The problem with him trying to be better now? I'm tired. I've put up with all of the manipulation and making me feel like garbage, like it's all my fault. I'm tired of doing what he says he'd like me to do, just to have him get mad because I changed. I'm tired of having tried for 6 months.

I don't react to anything he does anymore. He decided to be romantic one day, but my emotions were already burned out. It makes me feel like he's only doing it so he can justify that I "have" to sleep with him.

The sad part is, I feel bad. I feel bad that he's trying so hard now and I can't even react, not even when I try to force myself.

I have to decide, should I stay or should I go. But I'm so scared.

[Rose76]

You're in quite a dilemma. You feel like you've had it. But six months is not six years. This relationship may be salvagable, and I get the sense that you are not really ready to walk.

I'm not a big believer in people's capacity to change. However, if your guy is really making an around-the-clock effort . . . and not just turning on the charm when he wants to get laid . . . then he may really want to work to save the relationship. Let him know that you won't continue in a relationship like the one that the two of you have had, but you aren't totally ready to chuck it. Praise the heck out of him for any new behavior that represents positive change. That doesn't mean you have to instantly become all lovey-dovey. Tell him you haven't, yet, regained trust in him and that it will take a while before you do, if you do.

If it turns out that the change into being Mr. Niceguy is superficial and you just can't regain the desire for closeness that you had before, then maybe you do need to end it.

You don't have to do anything, until you are ready. You don't have to end it now, but neither do you have to go back to being his enthusiastic lover. It's okay to decide that the relationship is in Limbo, and that you are putting off making a decision for now.

[Delicious]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You're in quite a dilemma. You feel like you've had it. But six months is not six years. This relationship may be salvagable, and I get the sense that you are not really ready to walk.

I'm not a big believer in people's capacity to change. However, if your guy is really making an around-the-clock effort . . . and not just turning on the charm when he wants to get laid . . . then he may really want to work to save the relationship. Let him know that you won't continue in a relationship like the one that the two of you have had, but you aren't totally ready to chuck it. Praise the heck out of him for any new behavior that represents positive change. That doesn't mean you have to instantly become all lovey-dovey. Tell him you haven't, yet, regained trust in him and that it will take a while before you do, if you do.

If it turns out that the change into being Mr. Niceguy is superficial and you just can't regain the desire for closeness that you had before, then maybe you do need to end it.

You don't have to do anything, until you are ready. You don't have to end it now, but neither do you have to go back to being his enthusiastic lover. It's okay to decide that the relationship is in Limbo, and that you are putting off making a decision for now.

I like the idea of being in Limbo. Although I believe I have a hard time noticing if he's around-the-clock trying, I know Mr. Niceguy goes away if I do something that he considers wrong, for example, saying "I love you" in a tone that he considers wrong, or if I hang out with my family or one friend. Has this ever happened to you? Not being able to fully tell if someone is trying or if it's just a moment thing?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I don't believe that he's changed for good. They never do. Don't mean to be cliche but I think he's playing with your emotions so you won't leave. Enjoy it while you can, but be prepared to be let down.

[Moogieotter]

Sorry you are struggling. Does he have a good job? Do you have children?

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Delicious

I like the idea of being in Limbo. Although I believe I have a hard time noticing if he's around-the-clock trying, I know Mr. Niceguy goes away if I do something that he considers wrong, for example, saying "I love you" in a tone that he considers wrong, or if I hang out with my family or one friend. Has this ever happened to you? Not being able to fully tell if someone is trying or if it's just a moment thing?

Wow, this guy is worse than I thought. You have to speak in just the right tone? And you're not supposed to hang out with family or friends? I'ld give him some tone alright!

This guy sounds like a control freak. Unless you want a life of tip-toeing around on eggshells - which is a miserable existance - you need to break him of the notion that he will control you. And he may be a guy who won't stay with a woman he can't control. In that case, I would hand him his hat and show him to the door.

Controllers have deep down insecurity, but it's the kind you can never alleviate with reassurance. And stop feeling bad for him. Probably no relationship is perfectly 50/50. But I'll bet you've been going way more than half-way to meet him. Pull back, and let him knock himself out trying.

My wild guess is that you can probably do better. Feel free to decide you want more in a man, and that he just doesn't have it.

[~Christina]

Dump him and move on. You will never change him and you deserve much better.

[Bill3]

I know Mr. Niceguy goes away if I do something that he considers wrong, for example, saying "I love you" in a tone that he considers wrong, or if I hang out with my family or one friend.

Angry insistence on isolation and control are traits of abusers. So is being nice erratically and then going back to abusive behavior when the partner does something "wrong".

What do you like about him?

[MickeyCheeky]

I suggest you to dump him.. it's rare for this kind of people to actually change for the better.. it usually gets worse :/

[Trippin2.0]

I see no reason to stay.

What are you so scared of?

Being alone? The unfamiliar? Change?


Make a clean break I say.


Just because you've made a mistake doesn't mean you automatically have to continue making it... You have the option of rectifying it.


And he IS a mistake, no doubt, he has all the hallmarks of an abuser and you deserve so so so much better. Yes, sometimes better is downright scary, I was scared shytless myself, but I did it anyway, and you can too.


Walk away, open the door to a healthier happier you.


Don't allow fear to cripple and trap you any longer.


If you're still in doubt.


Draw up a very honest pros and cons list of your relationship.

You'll soon see how clear the answer is, and then you can plan your exit strategy.

[s4ndm4n2006]

You're in a situation that doesn't seem hopeful even in spite of the fact that he seems to be 'trying' harder. Here's some stuff to think about.

It's totally understandable that you're tired now and worn out. You've worked hard to try to make things work, you've endured his behaviors a long time and frankly have been living with the hopes that he'd come around.

Thing is, I don't entirely agree with the idea that people can't and don't change but, rarely do they change because someone else tells them they have to. In cases where someone actually does change, it's internal. They come to a place in their own minds and hearts that they need a change, that they need to be different. When it's prompted by others, friends, lovers, family or otherwise, it typically will be short-lived. They do this to appease the other person, bring back the peace, or avoid the current conflict. But since it is not an internal need to change, the shift is only superficial and it reverts in time. There is nothing anyone can really do to change another person, in almost all cases.

Another thing to think about. I know this is not a domestic violence case but I think this point will apply. In domestic violence cases, abusers will be 'good' for a time, they call the "honeymoon" phase. They do this to get back on good ground and gain the trust of the victim again, but only for a time. I think this pattern of behavior, while exaggerated with abusive relationships, is true for almost all human relationships, but all without the violence itself. Instead, I believe you're in a honeymoon phase with your SO and he is doing this to appease you for fear of losing you. It is not likely a permanent change.

he sounds manipulative and likely is manipulating or attempting to manipulate the situation even now.

[divine1966]

Honestly if things are that bad after 6 months, there is no hope. First 6 months supposed to be all happiness and sometimes problems start later. This is bad from the start

[TishaBuv]

How is it possible to say 'I love you' in a bad tone? I am trying and making myself laugh. He's just looking for reasons to be abusive. Dump him by screaming it in a nasty tone.

[mugwort2]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Wow, this guy is worse than I thought. You have to speak in just the right tone? And you're not supposed to hang out with family or friends? I'ld give him some tone alright!

This guy sounds like a control freak. Unless you want a life of tip-toeing around on eggshells - which is a miserable existance - you need to break him of the notion that he will control you. And he may be a guy who won't stay with a woman he can't control. In that case, I would hand him his hat and show him to the door.

Controllers have deep down insecurity, but it's the kind you can never alleviate with reassurance. And stop feeling bad for him. Probably no relationship is perfectly 50/50. But I'll bet you've been going way more than half-way to meet him. Pull back, and let him knock himself out trying.

My wild guess is that you can probably do better. Feel free to decide you want more in a man, and that he just doesn't have it.

This man reminds me very much of a man who once lived with me. He was a super control freak too. It got so horrible I kicked him out. Please do what you can to protect yourself from not being hurt. I mean that both emotionally and physically. Some men only love controlling others.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Draw up a very honest pros and cons list of your relationship.

This is very good advice. I've done this a few times to clarify confusing relationships. Next, kick him to the curb.

[Delicious]

Hi everyone,

Last night I was so tired, and he did something that caused a part of my mind to crack, I physically felt it. I guess that was the last push I needed, because I mustered the courage to tell him to leave. I didn't scream, or raise my voice in the slightest.

He of course threw a fit, tried to convince me to change my mind, said everything he hated about me and attempted a guilt trip, but my emotions were completely burned out, they were just words now.

I guess I was scared of making him feel bad, I hate making people feel bad... But I'm first, I have to look out for me and go back to a happier place.

I stuck by my decision and feel so powerful and glad that I did. For the first time in months I was able to sleep through the night!

Thank you all so much for your help, all of your suggestions and opinions were amazing.

[Bill3]

(((((Delicious)))))

That took courage. Well done!

Congratulations on your decision and on your courage!

Hang in there now! He probably will try every trick in his abusive playlist to get you to relent. Hang in there! And if you feel tempted to listen to him, call to mind with relish and with determination those feelings of freedom and safety and peace.

[Rose76]

Sounds like you made a real sensible decision, Delicious. You've had a belly-full of this guy. Stay with him, and you can look forward to a lifetime of this crap. Then there's the option of sticking with him for the best years of your life and finally leaving him when you're not so young. That's when most of the best men your age have already been taken. So the challenge now is to stick with your decision.

Controllers don't like to lose. He may come back around with a major charm campaign because he can't stand you deciding that your life belongs to you.

Don't worry about him. Eventually, he'll probably find some doormat of a woman who'll put up with him. (You did for awhile.) Not wanting to hurt people can be one of the surest paths to a miserable life. Some of the most important decisions that any human being has to make tend to involve not doing what someone else strongly wants you to do. Get over that hurdle, and you'll be on the right road to having a decent life.

People deserve what they're willing to put up with. At least I've discovered that that's pretty much how life works.

[Delicious]

Hey guys.

It's been a while. I wanted to give you all an update. Since this whole story went down a year ago I've been doing so much better. I feel the happiest I've ever felt.

I still have nightmares of this guy. He is always the monster in all of them. Chasing me, breaking into my house and refusing to leave. He's tried to contact me through his friends, by calling from unknown numbers and texting. I've ignored every call and message. Except last night. He messaged me asking to talk because he wanted to "close the circle." I felt like ignoring it, but a part of me told me that the reason he keeps insisting is because I ignore it instead of fighting. I told him everything I've ever wanted to say. Of course he fought back and blamed me, saying I was horrible to him and left him traumatized.

It made me doubt myself. "Did I actually have it that bad? Or was it me who was treating him bad?" I was reassured by my family, which lived with him as well, that did not do anything wrong. I was burnt out. Destroyed. I looked dead inside. All because I tried so hard to make things right.

Part of me feels relieved. Part of me feels like I did something wrong.

[Rose76]

Delicious, Let go of this notion that you need to believe that you "did not do anything wrong." You probably were wrong from time to time . . . about one thing or another. This need to be absolved of all fault is a theme that I see an awful lot on forums at P.C., and I think it's an unhealthy aspiration. Maybe it's my religious upbringing, but I happen to believe that we humans are all sinners and we all stray from perfect righteousness. I'll tell you straight off where you probably were wrong. Early in your relationship with this man, you formed a fictitious notion of who he was. It wasn't just because you were so innocent and trusting, while he was Mr. Bad Guy. He was Mr. Bad Guy alright - just as bad then, as he is now . . . . but you were unwilling to be shown that and unwilling to reserve judgement until you had real evidence as to who and what he was. You had a stubborn intention of seeing him as what you wanted and needed him to be and just kind of pinned that identity on him. You figured that, as a decent, young woman (which I don't doubt you were) who was ready for a committed relationship, that you had a right to expect that Life would send along an appropriate man to partner with. You had no such right to any such expectation. I don't mean to pick on you individually . . . and I'm sorry for how I know I must sound. This is the result of a lot of deep thought I've given to the plight of the many, many reasonably nice woman who wind up in relationships with guys who are louses.

We women, many of us, go around with a mentality that I think we were socialized into having. It is this: "I will think well of a person, until they give me a reason not to." So we go around, wide-eyed innocents, insisting on a Pollyanna conception of life, whereby people are "supposed" to be nice and good. That's the presumed norm, and departure from that norm is "supposed" to be not what we should expect. We then have a right to be shocked and dismayed when someone we trusted proves unworthy of that trust. If we are going to empower ourselves, then I think we need to chuck that outlook. Human beings tend to have faults, pretty serious faults. That should be our "default" assumption. We can't assume someone is a good person, just because we haven't yet seen them do anything bad. We need to wonder and wonder - long and hard - as to what values a person holds. What evidence do we have that this person is good? I think a lot of women have trusted men just because they were neat, clean and had good manners. Ted Bundy (serial killer) was probably all those things.

It can be pretty easy to hide one's egregious faults (like being a killer, or a scam artist, or a control freak.) But I think it is much harder to mimic real goodness. I don't fault anyone for failing to recognize that a person had hidden flaws. But I am critical of the tendency to think someone is good without that person having been seen to handle himself (or herself) honorably in difficult circumstances. It takes time for that to be revealed. My guess, Delicious, is that you fell for this guy prematurely. In reality, I'm not really putting all the responsibility for that on you. I tend to expect that you were socialized - by your family, by society - to do just that.

We're all human and we all have serious failings in our natures. We are, none of us, innocent of all wrong-doing. Whenever we have gotten ourselves into a bad situation - relationshipwise - I believe (just my opinion . . . but I hold it strongly) that we had an active role in getting ourselves into the mess we wound up in. Having gotten into a bad situation, we have a right and a duty to get out of it. That right doesn't depend on us having "done nothing wrong." Believing that will actually help keep you trapped.

In your final sentence in Post #19, you express the need to choose between feeling "relieved" and feeling "guilty." I say that's a false choice (false dichotomy.) It doesn't have to be one, or the other. It can be both. You are ambivalent. I think it is a good instinct to have both those feelings because I believe that both have validity.

You are looking for reassurance - from family . . . from posters - that you "did nothing wrong." I don't believe anyone can totally, successfully reassure you of that . . . . . . because I don't believe it's true. Your own instinct tells you it's not true. I respect that instinct of yours. The key to your emancipation is to give up needing for that to be true. It's okay to have been somewhat in the wrong.

You "tried so hard to make things right." You expected him to be who he was not. That was wrong. The guy was kind of a louse. He probably can't help it. Who knows? He's not a fitting partner for you. You know that now. You have a right AND a duty to get out of a partnership that you cannot make work. Time to give up thinking it was in your power to do make it work. That thinking was a kind of misdirected determination - a form of pigheadedness, if you like.

I think there is a lot to be gained by taking the attitude that who a person is may be utterly all they are capable of being. I would say: Have the compassion to entertain the notion that this is true of him. He is manipulative and dysfunctional and not a good person for you to be with. You've vented at him everything you wanted to say. That's fine. Now let go of the need to make him feel bad, which you don't like doing. You don't need to. You just need him to be gone.

[Delicious]

Rose, I completely understand. Thank you for your words. I was raised to view everyone as a good person, to truly believe It. I try to live by this, but know that it is false. Everyone is entitled to their own form of being. It’s hard for me to understand that it’s not my job to help and fix. I want so badly to help someone, to make them feel better and end up in situations like this. I vented out of frustration. Maybe me saying something would make him finally back off you know?

I know I am not 100% innocent in this situation. As I told him “I will never see things your way and you’ll never see them mine.”

Let’s just hope he leaves me alone for good now!

[Rose76]

Set your boundary with regard to him and close the door to him. Then he will move on.

[bonita999]

I always say that people don't know what they have until they lose it.
I had quite the same problem, i wanted my depressed ex back and then i gave up and when i did he came after me and tried ( we come back together for two days and he broke up again though). From my experience, take time for yourself and don't expect anything, focus on you and see if he makes changes and try, if not just try elsewhere. Hope everything goes okay though. Take care.