[nogoodpoison]

My issue is what I see as growing apart from my husband. For two years I have felt myself moving forward and him not coming with me. I think he is still hurt and trying to recover from failing out of two grad programs but I also feel that I have given everything I could in that time to help and all I have gotten is negativity back. I have nothing else to give that he hasn't shot down.
Since then I have decided to concentrate on myself.....my kids are old enough that they don't need me as much so I went back to school. I love learning again and being a part of something. I have for 18years thrown myself into being mom and dutiful wife as I thought I should be. Now that those positions seem to be fading i am having to refind myself.
I have been telling my husband for two years that we have been growing apart and got nothing but shrugs and oks. It wasn't until last mothers days when a male friend of mine sent me a mothers day card and my husband found out and he had gotten me nothing as usual that he has seemed to wake up. The problem with that now is that I do not know what to do with it. All of a sudden he is trying to be attentive and loving and inject himself in everything I do so that we are doing things together. I'm feeling very claustrophobic!
I started walking to have some time to myself, I did this for a year before his wake up and was loving it. All of a sudden he wants to do this together because he wants to get healthy to. I tried to visit friends this summer and got the third degree for going on these mini-vacations without him and the kids and that he would want to go to. I found my friends online to make connections again that I had lost and now he wants to know my friends also. He never cared for any of my friends before. He wants to watch the same movies as me because its us doing things together, even though he has never cared to watch these things before. I joined an online chat group and now he tells me he wants to join too because he feels there is a side of me he doesn't know and he wants to know more. How much is to much? I have nothing in my life that is just for me. I am either doing something with him or the kids.
I tell him we are growing apart and now I feel like he is attached to my hip. I don't feel like he is being his own person and have told him so only to get in response that these things are him and he is enjoying doing the same things I like. He says that he is trying and I am not. He says that I am changing into someone he does not know anymore. He thinks that I am making changes to myself to purposely push him away.
I'm confused, I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to follow this pull I feel to do things that I like, to be happy for myself instead of through others but am I wrong like he says? Should I fall back in line and be all about my family.....that family is more important? I just don't know what to do and its tearing me apart. I'm so confused.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I suppose this might fall into the category of "be careful what you wish for". I guess one has to give your husband credit for what he's doing. I suspect there are a lot of men who just never wake up at all! On the other hand... no... I don't think you're wrong! You should have your own life. And he should have his. And between the two, the two of you can then come together as a couple... kind-of like two circles that partially intersect one another. At least that's what makes sense to me.

My wife & I are both retired. She has things she does. And I have things I do. We don't do EVERYTHING together. In fact actually, after 38 years of marriage, the reality is that to a large extent we now have little in common except the fact that we've been married for 38 years. But that's okay. I don't know many other couples our age... (or any other age either for that matter.) But from what I have observed, as the years go by, couples do tend to develop their own separate interests over time. I think that's only natural.

From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though that mothers day card you received from your male friend put the fear of God into your hubby, as the saying goes. And now he's smothering you. I wish I knew what to suggest here... perhaps some counseling for your hubby & / some couples counseling for the two of you... if he would go. But beyond that I think you're just going to have to stand firm & "protect your territory", so to speak... in other words... establish & enforce some personal boundaries. It will be tough. And it may well cause friction. But otherwise you simply end up falling back in line & plodding on as you have up to now. The question is... is that something you can live with? Only you know the answer to that one.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by nogoodpoison

I have nothing in my life that is just for me. I am either doing something with him or the kids.

This. This, to me, stands out.

[nogoodpoison]

I would have been fine with staying together because I agree with Skeezyks that people find things that they have different interests in and do them and can still be together. Yes he is smothering me and it is actually pushing me away. He complains that we have nothing to talk about and I pointed out to him that how are we supposed to have something to talk about if we are doing everything together? I got because we would talk about what we do together.......I cannot imagine having a life where I am having a day and then rehashing the day together later, snore. I need more than that.....I want to live not just subsist.
In response to healingme4me......yes that is the biggest hurt right now. Every time I try to do something by myself he wants to join and if I decide to say no I get the third degree about how I am trying to push him away. I explain that I just need some time to myself and he says, "well I don't have anytime to myself" then if I tell him to go do something he says "there is nothing I want to do but spend time with you."
I have tried to explain that I fell in love with a person that was his own person and I don't want a twin, but he swears that is not what is going on, however his having the exact same interests as me is not the person I used to know. I feel like I am being controlled.

[hvert]

I would feel smothered in your shoes. Your husband is scared of losing you, but it is too much.

When you told him that you were both growing apart, how did you want him to respond? What were you hoping for?

[nogoodpoison]

Originally Posted by hvert

I would feel smothered in your shoes. Your husband is scared of losing you, but it is too much.

When you told him that you were both growing apart, how did you want him to respond? What were you hoping for?

I was hoping for him to care that we were. We have become so comfortable in our lives together that we were on autopilot. He wasn't even trying anymore. It had been 3 years since I received a card or a gift that I had not bought for myself. That was one of the first things we talked about ......and his response was "well tell me what you want and what you like and I will get it for you." I was in shock.......17 years together and I was supposed to tell him what I want and what to get? At that point I might as well buy my own gifts. I am not a hard person to figure out, I do not care for things that are typical (flowers, candy) I like thoughtful, creative (if you see something that makes you think of me then that is the gift to buy). That is what I was hoping for and am still hoping for but if I can't seem to get him to understand this simple thing how am I supposed to get him to understand what is happening to us? I'm at a loss.

[Bill3]

How much room in there for meeting in the middle, such as doing some things together and some individually?

[nogoodpoison]

Originally Posted by Bill3

How much room in there for meeting in the middle, such as doing some things together and some individually?

So far I have had very little room. Things I want to do I get with pleading my case and finally it seems like he just gives in but not without a guilt trip attached. Which he completely denies he is trying to do.

[Bill3]

What if you just do some or all of what you want to do individually, and also agree to find some things to do together?

[nogoodpoison]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you just do some or all of what you want to do individually, and also agree to find some things to do together?

I am trying, everything I want to do he wants to do with me. I started walking about a year ago just to get out of the house and have some time alone. He this year said he wanted to start walking too. So we did.....it was ok for awhile until I told him I was missing my alone time because when we walk together he wants to talk constantly. Nothing changed, I had no other options unless I walked twice a day once for myself and then still at night. It was hard on me to do both so I gave up morning walks.
I went to visit a few friends that I hadn't seen in about 10 years for something to do (mind you he has never liked or wanted anything to do with my friends) and I had a great time but I came back to hearing him complain about how he would have liked to go and how he wished he could make me laugh and talk to me like they do. That is when all of a sudden the things I watch on tv I can no longer watch alone because he says....oh I thought I hated this show now I like it. If I watch anything alone I get the third degree about how he would like to watch that too.
I joined an online chat group in Feb. and he was fine with it because he had no interest, now he tells me just 3 weeks ago that he wants to join too because he feels these friends see a side of me he doesn't know.
Everytime I find something I can do by myself, he finds a reason to do it with me and I get it, he is trying to bring us closer together by attaching himself to everything I do but seriously I am feeling very claustrophobic. When I tell him this he says I am trying to push him away and that I don't want to fix us and bring us closer together.

[Bill3]

I will try to state the nub of what you said. If okay, please let me know how accurate I am.

Your husband accuses and guilts you into allowing him into every private aspect of your life that he wants to enter.

[nogoodpoison]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I will try to state the nub of what you said. If okay, please let me know how accurate I am.

Your husband accuses and guilts you into allowing him into every private aspect of your life that he wants to enter.

I would say that easily sums it up yes.......I wish I could say it without those words because I cannot truly know what is going through his head when he says these things but he makes me feel like I am the one who is doing something wrong and bad for us if I want to do something by myself. I may be at fault because for many years I have been mom and dutiful wife, sacrificing all other aspects of my life for those things and now that I no longer have those duties I am having to find other things to fill those open spots.

[Bill3]

Okay fair enough, maybe he is not guilting you intentionally but that is how it comes across to you.

What if you ignore the guilting and just go ahead and take your walk, remain alone in the chat room, etc.?

[nogoodpoison]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Okay fair enough, maybe he is not guilting you intentionally but that is how it comes across to you.

What if you ignore the guilting and just go ahead and take your walk, remain alone in the chat room, etc.?

If I walk without him he will say I don't want to spend time with him, which I cannot argue because its true but not in the way he takes it. If I just keep saying its for me, some time alone to clear my head he will say " well I don't get any time alone" and then when I tell him to go ahead and do something for himself alone he says " There is nothing I want to do without you." This is a never ending circle. What I think it comes down to is he cannot see why I need my time because he feels he doesn't need any.
As for the chat rooms when I go....he spies on me and then brings up things I said like he thinks I can't put two and two together. I have confronted him of spying on me and he swears he is not that he was just interested and happened to see a conversation that I had ( I do not hide anything I do, I have no reason to) but when I talk to friends online he will ask me who I was chatting with and what about. When I ask him why he needs to know he says because he is just trying to be a part of my life.

[Bill3]

Here are some ideas for replies:

—You are right, I do need some time alone.

—You are free to get time alone as well.

—If you don’t need time alone, so be it. I do.

—If you choose to do nothing during your time without me that is your choice. That is up to you.

—I am not going to tell you in any detail about my conversations with friends.

Keep repeating your statements for as long as needed.

In other words, what if you are not defensive, just civil and unapologetic with him?

[nogoodpoison]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Here are some ideas for replies:

—You are right, I do need some time alone.

—You are free to get time alone as well.

—If you don’t need time alone, so be it. I do.

—If you choose to do nothing during your time without me that is your choice. That is up to you.

—I am not going to tell you in any detail about my conversations with friends.

Keep repeating your statements for as long as needed.

In other words, what if you are not defensive, just civil and unapologetic with him?

I will keep trying. My two modes are usually to shut down/agree just to not argue or to try and defend my position and do what I want. Thinking and putting myself first is a new thing for me.

[Bill3]

Hang in there! Keep working on it!