[delusions23]

I feel alone in this world and have this obsession of finding someone who's just like me, someone who understands me completely. I feel sad that I have no friends. The thing is, I could just go and make friends if I wanted to. But I dislike most people. I feel like most people can't understand me. I can't "connect" with them. That's why it's so difficult for me to make friends. I've tried going to some places to meet people but I always end up dissapointed when I find out people are not what I expected. I see no point in trying to make friends with those people because we're not compatible.
I daydream about having a friend or boyfriend, just someone, who is almost exactly like me, with the same problems, the same opinions, almost the same past, someone with whom I can have a deep connection, someone who can read my thoughts (I mean this in the sense of being very similar mentally, not actually reading minds), someone with who I can talk about everything. Ok maybe it doesn't have to 100% identical but close. The (almost) perfect person. I also used to fantasy about having a twin sister. I imagined her with me wherever I went, imagined all the conversations we would have if she existed. I crave that connection with someone, that "twin soul" connection.
I stalk people in social websites trying to find out if they're "the one", the person I'm looking for. I judge them based on their likes, their posts, etc. But of course I never find anyone I like. Sometimes when I go to an event, I think "we will find each other in that event, I know" and I even imagine that we will recognize each other at first sight. I imagine these scenarios where we meet and we find out we've been both looking for each other, and now we've finally met and will be happy together. I sometimes think of wearing something special when going out (like a ring or something) so that this person will recognize me. I will wear a ring with a heart, for example, or with a particular color, and he/she will wear the same or something similar and we will recognize immediately. I've went to chat websites like Omegle and used tags like "where are you", "find me", etc. and see if someone else connects using the same tags. But no one does. And that breaks my heart. Because my reasoning was "well maybe that person exists and is looking for me, and is so similar to me that he/she will use the same tags in the same website at the same time" but nothing happened, of course. Another big dissapointment. My life is nothing more than constant disillusionment.
These types of thoughts are eating me alive. I know that person doesn't exist and I can't live with that, because I don't think I will ever be happy if I don't find him/her. And I don't think I can stand being friends or dating "normal" people, that is, most people in the world. I'm too picky. I don't think I will ever connect with them. I wanted to have children and live a family life but if I never find anyone, I will probably never have children, or I will have to have them with a person I don't really love. It makes me feel sad.
I think this "obsession" started in late 2015 and it hasn't stopped, it's getting worse. Maybe it's because I've been alone almost my whole life. I'm an only child. I've always been an introvert and a daydreamer, someone who spent all her time in her own world, and I never had any friends in school. I've spent most of my life ( from like 8 years old to now when I'm 17) in my room, alone with my thoughts and daydreams, always on the internet. I was basically raised by the internet (I don't want to be unfair with parents. They did care about me and are good parents but the internet had a big influence) and I feel so distant and different from most people. Like, I didn't have the same life experience as them and I can't seem to find anything in common with them. I'm not from the USA, I'm from a country in South America. I have customs different than those from my country which makes me feel even more isolated from everyone. I feel so so different from everyone I know. I once went to someone's house and just... I felt so so different. Like I could never live like that. It's hard to explain here.
God I don't know what to do. I think of suicide all the time. I'm at the point where I've lost hope of finding someone. I know he/she doesn't exist, I wish I could accept it and move on but I don't know how to do it. I will never be happy being alone, I need someone (but not any person, THAT person)
I'm afraid of telling people about this because I feel like they would think I'm crazy (I probably am) I feel like a big void inside me almost all the time. It hurts so much. The only time when I don't feel it is when I'm daydreaming about being with that person, when I daydream about finding him/her. But I know it hurts me, because I have to come back to reality. I can't tell my parents why I'm sad because I don't think they would understand this. I'm going to see a psychologist soon and I'm not sure if I should tell her, I'm scared of how she'll react. I don't know what's going on with me, I don't how to fix it. The only reasons why I'm still alive is 1. not wanting to hurt my family and 2. the small hope I still have of things getting better and finding someone.
Is there a name for this? A solution?

[Rincad]

You should the psychologist. She can help you mange your feelings and obsession. When I was depressed I would daydream, it wasn't a nice world, but it did involve me having a boyfriend. I'm not allowed to have one. You know if your into games lames fames( sorry please ignore rhyming and nonsense sentences) especially mmorpgs you can chat with people anonymously and than just chat. The cat key pastel marker. That's how I found my boyfriend. Unfortunately he hasn't logged back in. I find a lot of people find each other online. But be careful. Make an account in some a chat service so you don't use your number. The lime sings boot lace goes around. I don't know if it has a name, but the psychologist can help. It might be a from of OCD and depression, only a professional can tell you. But therapy should help with your troubles. I hope that helps.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I’m glad you are going to see a psychologist. Please relate to them what you have stated here. How else will they help you? I don’t know what to think but there are billions of people in this world and I’m sure there is someone very much like you. You just haven’t met yet. Don’t give up.

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central, delusions23! I think many people want a really good friend they have things in common with. I think of the character Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables who wanted a "bosom buddy." But I don't think it's possible to find an exact twin. I actually have an identical twin, but she is not exactly like me!

I agree with the others. Talk to a therapist to see why you are so obsessed and to help you with your interactions with other people, so you won't be so miserable in your searching. Again, welcome!

I have a person I consider a soul mate yet we are very different.

It seems tough now but once you are out of high school doors are going to start opening for you. It will be easier to be drawn to groups of like-minded people. You are better in control of the directions you will take and the people you will meet.

In the meantime find some help. I take it you are still in school. At 17 (did i understand this right?) you have a lot of options you may not even realise. For one, you don't need permission to schedule medical appointments, etc. A good start is your family doctor. He/she should be a good judge of whether you should be referred to a psychiatrist. Meanwhile you likely have school guidance counsellor. Start a dialogue with them. School Boards these days have psychologists on retainer. Your guidance counsellor should be able to set you up with one.

Remember that you actually aren't alone. As I mentioned above, there are people to talk to.

[LoneSurvivor87]

I think it can be normal well it was for me for a while but then for a stage in my life I become obsessed with the idea and fantasy of a few things !

Hello, welcome to PC.

I think your desires for a soulmate are pretty normal, but definitely talk this over with the psychologist especially due to the obsessive and suicidal thoughts. It will help to get a professional's input. (((hugs))))

[mymask]

You say you are 17? That is extremely young, it is normal you haven't found your "soulmate" at 17. I do relate a bit, but I am in my 50's, also an only child, introvert, spend a lot of time alone, feel different than everyone else, can't connect but I have found ways to be myself and realize no one is happy all the time, we all go through ups and downs in life, so I am probably not that different. I have seen that there is no perfect person, friend or mate. There is no one exactly like you, we are all different. You should get counseling and tell them EVERYTHING. Don't hold back, they are there to help. It will get better as you age and can have more autonomy and discover yourself. But please try to get over the perfect person thing, it is just not possible for any of us.

Originally Posted by delusions23

I feel alone in this world and have this obsession of finding someone who's just like me, someone who understands me completely. I feel sad that I have no friends. The thing is, I could just go and make friends if I wanted to. But I dislike most people. I feel like most people can't understand me. I can't "connect" with them. That's why it's so difficult for me to make friends. I've tried going to some places to meet people but I always end up dissapointed when I find out people are not what I expected. I see no point in trying to make friends with those people because we're not compatible.
I daydream about having a friend or boyfriend, just someone, who is almost exactly like me, with the same problems, the same opinions, almost the same past, someone with whom I can have a deep connection, someone who can read my thoughts (I mean this in the sense of being very similar mentally, not actually reading minds), someone with who I can talk about everything. Ok maybe it doesn't have to 100% identical but close. The (almost) perfect person. I also used to fantasy about having a twin sister. I imagined her with me wherever I went, imagined all the conversations we would have if she existed. I crave that connection with someone, that "twin soul" connection.
I stalk people in social websites trying to find out if they're "the one", the person I'm looking for. I judge them based on their likes, their posts, etc. But of course I never find anyone I like. Sometimes when I go to an event, I think "we will find each other in that event, I know" and I even imagine that we will recognize each other at first sight. I imagine these scenarios where we meet and we find out we've been both looking for each other, and now we've finally met and will be happy together. I sometimes think of wearing something special when going out (like a ring or something) so that this person will recognize me. I will wear a ring with a heart, for example, or with a particular color, and he/she will wear the same or something similar and we will recognize immediately. I've went to chat websites like Omegle and used tags like "where are you", "find me", etc. and see if someone else connects using the same tags. But no one does. And that breaks my heart. Because my reasoning was "well maybe that person exists and is looking for me, and is so similar to me that he/she will use the same tags in the same website at the same time" but nothing happened, of course. Another big dissapointment. My life is nothing more than constant disillusionment.
These types of thoughts are eating me alive. I know that person doesn't exist and I can't live with that, because I don't think I will ever be happy if I don't find him/her. And I don't think I can stand being friends or dating "normal" people, that is, most people in the world. I'm too picky. I don't think I will ever connect with them. I wanted to have children and live a family life but if I never find anyone, I will probably never have children, or I will have to have them with a person I don't really love. It makes me feel sad.
I think this "obsession" started in late 2015 and it hasn't stopped, it's getting worse. Maybe it's because I've been alone almost my whole life. I'm an only child. I've always been an introvert and a daydreamer, someone who spent all her time in her own world, and I never had any friends in school. I've spent most of my life ( from like 8 years old to now when I'm 17) in my room, alone with my thoughts and daydreams, always on the internet. I was basically raised by the internet (I don't want to be unfair with parents. They did care about me and are good parents but the internet had a big influence) and I feel so distant and different from most people. Like, I didn't have the same life experience as them and I can't seem to find anything in common with them. I'm not from the USA, I'm from a country in South America. I have customs different than those from my country which makes me feel even more isolated from everyone. I feel so so different from everyone I know. I once went to someone's house and just... I felt so so different. Like I could never live like that. It's hard to explain here.
God I don't know what to do. I think of suicide all the time. I'm at the point where I've lost hope of finding someone. I know he/she doesn't exist, I wish I could accept it and move on but I don't know how to do it. I will never be happy being alone, I need someone (but not any person, THAT person)
I'm afraid of telling people about this because I feel like they would think I'm crazy (I probably am) I feel like a big void inside me almost all the time. It hurts so much. The only time when I don't feel it is when I'm daydreaming about being with that person, when I daydream about finding him/her. But I know it hurts me, because I have to come back to reality. I can't tell my parents why I'm sad because I don't think they would understand this. I'm going to see a psychologist soon and I'm not sure if I should tell her, I'm scared of how she'll react. I don't know what's going on with me, I don't how to fix it. The only reasons why I'm still alive is 1. not wanting to hurt my family and 2. the small hope I still have of things getting better and finding someone.
Is there a name for this? A solution?

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by delusions23

.

Is there a name for this? A solution?

Yes, google around about "enneagram type four" (on my phone and can't dig around for specific links right now)

[delusions23]

Thanks to everyone for replying. I read about the "enneagram type four" personality and I identify a lot with it, although not completely.

Things I identify with:
-"Fours tend to escape reality into a world of idealized fantasy; this weakens their sense of feeling at home in reality. Their tendency to feel unappreciated can also increase this sense of alienation."
-"Fours are known for their tendency to hold onto sadness and melancholy; they frequently suffer from depressive episodes"
- "They have intense feelings of longing, nostalgia, and tragedy that leaves them discontented with their ordinary lives."
-"Fours look for a savior or ideal lover to rescue them from their vulnerable state."
-"Fours use their imagination and emotions to find their identities. They are very emotionally sensitive and have a deep need to connect emotionally to people and things."
- "They are seeking someone who can see them as they really are (this theme is present in many of their fantasies). "
- " Fours feel that Life has dealt them a bad hand and that Life owes them one."
-"They are often artists, or immersed in the artistic world where their visions can be freely expressed. " (I'm really bad at anything artistic but I try to improve and learn new ways form of art because I feel it's the only way I can express myself)
- "Even at their best, they are self-absorbed introverts. "

Things I don't identify with:
"Type Fours look to be different in their dress and their look is often highly mood dependent."
-"Type Fours often resort to changing their bodies with tattoos."
-"They judge themselves to be too ordinary and common."
-"It is not in their nature to fight life’s challenges. Instead, they will ponder on how they wish things were different, and wait for someone to save them from their own misery."

Well, I dress fairly normal and I'm not worried about how "original" my look is, nor do my looks depend on my mood. I look like any ordinary person and I'm ok with it. I also don't like tattoos or anything that modifies the body.
I think I do try to fight life's challenges. Even if I like to fantasy about finding someone, it's not like I don't do anything at all to change things and just wait for someone to change everything for me. The problem is, it's hard for me to change how I feel, even if I try.

It's not that I try to be different from everyone else, I just can't help feeling that way. Because of how I was raised, my life experiences, etc. I spent the last 8 years (late childhood and teenage years) alone in my room with the internet as my only company. Thanks to the internet, I was able to discover lots of things I otherwise wouldn't have had access to. It's also how I learned English. I'm from Argentina so my native language is Spanish, but since I was surrounded by a lot of English-language content on the internet, I learned how to speak it. I always visited websites in English. I sometimes feel that I'm part of the "internet world" more than the real world, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like a foreigner in my country.
I'm also a big daydreamer, it's something I do since I can remember.

I was alone all through primary school (age 6 to 12). When I was 6-7 I simply didn't have any friends at school, I have no idea why. In the recesses I liked to walk around the school alone, immersed in my thoughts. I didn't really want other children's company. But then at the end of my second primary school year (I was 7) some girls told me they wanted me to be their friend. I suddenly had friends and I was happy about it. As I said before, I didn't feel the need for friends but when I was presented with the opportunity to be friends with those girls, I was very happy about it. However, just when I had made my first friends, I was transferred to a new school. I continued in that school until my last primary school year, and could never make friends with anyone. At first I missed those friends I had made in the other school and regretted the change. But then I stopped caring. I daydreamed a lot and didn't think much about the real world.

Remember I have no siblings, so I spent a lot of time playing alone. At age 8 or 9 I started getting interested in being the "popular girl" at school. I think this was motivated by all the TV shows I watched at the time. I also started daydreaming about being a celebrity, again, motivated by the TV shows and teen magazines I had access to. At school, I was still alone, though. I didn't really feel the need for friends. I mean, I wanted to be popular and all that but I didn't care much for other kids. I got my first personal computer at the age of 9. At this age I was very interested in teen celebrities like Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers, basically all I saw on Disney. So I used my computer to search for music or videos related to them, I spent a lot of time doing this. I even learned how to make my own videos. They were songs translated to Spanish, and I had my own Youtube channel. I used to hide all this stuff from my parents. It's too long to explain here, just know that I always hid things.

At age 10-11 I was alone all the time at school and sometimes made facial gestures corresponding to what I was daydreaming, and other children thought I was weird, that I was crazy or something. Some teachers told my mom I had some mental problem and that she should take me to a psychiatrist. One teacher told her "in the US children who are like that end up shooting schools" Probably the only reason they said that was because I was alone all the time and maybe they heard other children saying I "talked alone" Yeah, most people thought I was pretty weird at that time. It didn't affect me, though, because I was in my own world, lost in my thoughts and daydreams. The internet, with the access to all sort of movies, TV series, websites and lots of information, only incentivized my daydreaming even more. I liked to investigate about my favourite bands or singers.

Then in 2012 things changed. I met a guy and fell in love with him. Whoever, this guy was 16, so there was an age difference. I was quite mature for my age, both mentally and physically. People constantly told me I didn't look like I was 12, but more like 16 or 17. He was a friend of my (male) cousin. My cousin had a rock band and he constantly hang out with his group of friends. I wanted to belong that group, I wanted to date that guy and be friends with the rest, go to the concerts and hang out with them. But I never had the chance to. I only saw them once or twice a year. I stalked them on Facebook, and that's actually how I got to know more stuff about the guy I liked and how I fell in love with him (he posted a lot about his life and personality, so I sort of had an idea of what he was like) During 2012 and 2013 I spent most of my time daydreaming about being with that group of friends and dating that guy. I tried to find any chance to be with them, but it never happened. I used to cry when thinking how impossible it was for me to be with them. I understand they didn't want to hang with me, though, I was 12, and they were like 16-17. As you can see, at that time I still didn't feel completely different from everyone else and still felt like I had a chance to get a boyfriend or make friends. Eventually I just got tired and stopped caring about them. When I was 13 I entered secondary school. At first I didn't talk with anyone but then I started talking with a girl who became my friend. However, our friendship was never really "intimate", so to say. We only talked at school, and saw each other only at birthday parties or maybe we would go to each other's houses once in a year. On school holidays we didn't talk. So I was still alone most of the time. I spent all day in my room, always in the internet. I had new daydream themes now. And I also started getting interested in learning languages. There are more things I could say but it would be too long. I hope you get a general idea of how I am so you can understand better why I feel this way. It seems like other people and me are in completely different planets. It's hard for me to make friends and I never meet people with whom I can identify, someone that makes me want to get to know them more. I talked to my psychologist about the fact that I feel alone, and she's said I need to hang out more with people at my school and keep talking to them until we have a close relationship. But I've known these people for 5 years and it never evolved to a close friendship. I've gone to different parties, I've gone out with multiple times, I've gone to their houses (here I'm talking about 5 people who sit near me in class) and it never seems to work. When I'm with people I still feel lonely.

I just want someone that understands me, someone I can talk to openly about all my problems, the "weird" side of me (my daydreams, for example) without being judged, someone with who I can feel comfortable. Someone with who I can truly be myself. Preferably someone with a similar way of thinking, or with similar life experiences. I sometimes feel so excruciatingly lonely. It's hard for me to explain why I feel so different or "disconnected" from people.

If you know about astrology, I have a Moon in Leo in the 12th house. I don't actually believe in astrology but I identify with the interpretation of a lot of stuff I see in my astral chart. Basically the 12th house represents what's hidden, and Leo is the sign of self-expression. The moon represents emotions and also the mother or the family in general. You can google more about it. My point is, I always feel like there is a hidden part of myself, always a part of me that isn't really expressed.

I have mood swings. There are moments when I feel really bad. I have suicidal thoughts, I can't stand the feeling of alieness, I can't stand thinking about all the things I dislike about life, I feel like I have no future, no way out, like I can't adapt to normal life. But there are times where I feel ok for no reason. Right now, I'm feeling ok but hours ago I was in a terrible mood. I think my brain tries to compensate so many sadness and bad feelings with a feeling of calmness every now and then.

I'm glad I found out about the Enneagram personality type four. It's crazy how much I identify with it, even if not completely. It's good to know there are similar people out there.

[magicalprince]

Your background is a lot like mine in a lot of ways. I'm enneagram 4 and have dealt with that excruciating loneliness as well. I still deal with it from time to time though not as badly. It can be so hard to have so many ideals about how you would want life to be and then to not see that reflected in anyone around you. It is really difficult, being a dreamer and a romantic in this world where most people seem to just be content with the ordinary.

The internet can really deepen this issue because you get exposed to so many interesting people, places, ways of life. It can be sort of a trap in a lot of ways, as you become identified with far away things and feel less identified with your actual life. This split can become increasingly frustrating the more it deepens.

The search for a soulmate is still something that gets me all the time. I think this is a lifelong struggle, whether you ever find someone that seems to reflect those desires or not. It can be a source of deep pain but also a source of deep meaning and it can keep you going when you're otherwise feeling really depressed.

I don't know much about astrology but I relate to the hidden part of yourself that is never quite expressed. I think that is a large part of what creates the drive to find a soulmate--wanting to meet someone who will see and love all the parts of you that nobody else even notices.

A lot of times the mood swings can be created by envy. Wanting something or someone that you can't have. Or also, not feeling happy with the life or the circumstances that you do have. It is a really difficult struggle to go through those ups and downs all the time. But the more control you have over your life they get better as well.

[delusions23]

It's been some time since I last posted something here. I feel like I may not have explained enough about my situation. I'm better now but I can't really say I'm happy. I made a post where I tell my story and explain what I feel. I don't if anyone's actually going to read it but I'll leave it here. I know I can't post links, but I'm going to say my Tumblr is Unrealshadowsss, you can read it there.

[delusions23]

I'ts been some time since I last posted here. I have improved, mostly, but I still can't say I'm happy. I'm still struggling. Not finding the person I'm looking for hurts. There's other people, but I can't relate to most of them. I sometimes imagine the places we could have gone to, everything we could have done. If it had only happened. Then I would have never gotten into a state of sadness and suicidal thoughts. But that person doesn't exist, at least now by now, and the chances of finding someone are really low.
I've been mostly on a good mood since the last days of 2017, I don't know why. It's like I entered a high mood for no reason. But I'm thankful for that, because at least I get to have some peace of mind. Before that, I used to suffer almost everyday. Now I'm better emotionally, but my problems are still there. And sometimes it hurts but I usually manage to come back to the high mood again. Then my problems still bother me, but at least not emotionally.
It's hard to think I will get out of this, it's hard to think this will stop hurting, it's hard to think I'll actually find someone. It's all I wanted. Everything would have been much better if it had just happened. Now everything's wrong.
By the way I went to the therapist but it didn't help, and I don't plan on going to another one soon.
I see people who are young and single and don't worry about it, even if they're like 27 and single, they don't seem to worry about that fact. It's because they don't feel so different from everyone else, and therefore don't have the desire to find someone that finally understands and, second, since they're not so different, they do have more chances of meeting someone so they don't have to worry about it. I know it may seem like I'm just exaggerating with the whole "being different" thing, but I am, indeed, very different. There's more to my story than what I've posted here, I actually wrote a long explanation and I feel like I shoud share it here but I can't post links currently (I need to write more replies, I think), so maybe I'll come back and post it later here.