New Relationship Concerns

Oh I see. No, I wanted more than just sex... but I was holding back emotionally to protect myself.

You brought your own personal sexual history to this thread, I didn’t. Yes I found it distracting to the thread at hands, that’s why I asked to see if there was a particular reason for you bringing such distraction. If your sexual history is irrelevant to this topic, I am unsure why you brought it up.

Now you're just acting like you're itching for a fight. Please, Eve has had enough drama in her life as of late, we don't need to bring petty differences into her threads and add to that. .

I am extremelly confused on what you mean? It sounds as you either want to argue or are very upset and sensitive re subject of your sexual history. If I upset you by asking re sexual history I am sorry but if that’s subject is too sensitive for you, I have no ways to know as you brought it up!! I’d think if something is that upsetting for you, you wouldn’t bring it up. I am not sure why you’d want to argue but I am sorry if I upset you. Hang in there.
Best wishes!

Artchic, you said it -- at least with this last guy there wasn't any drama -- not like with my ex fiance. Now that was all drama. Geez.

I've had twinges of missing him.. my recent guy. This is a bit harder than I thought. The last two nights I went out for music and thought about texting him, but resisted. There is no point. I also told him it will be a while before we can be friends. I need time... time and distance apart without communication. I need to break away from him entirely. I even put his Facebook posts on snooze for 30 days so I won't see them.

I think being friends with him might be a bad idea. How you’d feel hanging out as friends knowing he is intimate with other women or dating them or even in love with someone? I think friendship with him could only work if you had zero feelings for him or you were friends with benefits to begin with. I don’t think either was the case.

Very very true. I suppose we could be Facebook friends only - more like distant friends. I don't think I'll be able to hang out with him. I am hoping he will leave my music scene alone and not try to come into my scene now that we're not dating.

May I say, it is his problem. You can't fix it for him. It does seem like a yellow flag.

Yes. He knows it's his problem. To me this was a glaring red flag flashing in neon lights lol.

I know this will be difficult to hear, but having been in your shoes before, I need to warn you that becoming Facebook friends with this guy you only dated for 7 weeks, who rejected you because he doesn't want to commit to anyone yet, is a bad idea.

It is a bad idea to become his Facebook friend because doing so will create a false sense of intimacy that doesn't exist.

Please take comfort knowing that there are better candidates out there for you to date and have a relationship with; men who are ready to commit, who have their whole act together. This guy had some pieces in place, but not everything and he even told you that he wasn't the right guy for you in so many words.

Please forget him. Clinging to him through social media like Facebook will only mess with your heart and your head even more. As of 2017, the world population if 7.6 billion people, 101.8 men to every 100 women. He's not *the* right guy because he's not 100% put together for you. Waiting for him to fill in the gaps and be ready for you, is a futile endeavor. I'm sorry. Breakups are painful.

Look on the bright side. You only dated each other for 7 weeks. That's not a long period of time.

100% agree with you. No one but this guy, can fix his own problems. Don't take on a guy thinking you can ever fix his problems for him, because you can't. Like the adage goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." And why would anyone want to spend time being codependent to a person who outright rejects them.

Invest your time on yourself and healing from this brief relationship, golden_eve.

If a guy rejects you, be happy about it because that means he wasn't the right guy. It sounds so cliche, but it's true.

I am fine with being FB friends with him. There are no hard feelings, there was no drama and no negativity with him. It was all great, except for what he told me about himself in the end. When I am dating someone new down the road, perhaps I could even hang out with him as friends -- perhaps. I don't know right now.

He never gave me his Christmas present, too, which is too bad.

I never thought that I could fix him. He needs to fix himself and get into therapy.

Also, he didn't exactly reject me. I broke it off after learning that he cheats. Then through various conversations after that, he told me that I deserve better but that he loves me and is very sad about it.

The bolded, is where he rejected you. Telling you that he thinks you deserve better is a rejection. I'm sorry this is so hard for you to accept. Cheating on you isn't exactly a good thing either. Why do you want to keep this man in your life so badly? He hardly sounds like a stable person from the way you've described him in your thread.

I don't feel rejected. And it doesn't even matter. It's over is the main point. And he cheats is the other main point. He has done nothing to hurt me. I don't feel hurt by him. I don't see why you are driving home this point about Facebook and about rejection. Are you trying to make things worse for me by telling me I was rejected??? I don't feel this way and I'm the one who ended it. I could have continued to date him casually. I may choose to hide his FB posts for a long time, but there is no need for me to drop him as a friend or block him. It's not like he's done anything wrong or harmful. He also may be a good contact for me for music.

I'm not trying to make things worse for you, not at all. I can see now that my comments have not been helpful to you. I wish you well with this situation then.

Thank you....

Why add him on facebook then?

We became Facebook friends in the first few weeks of dating.

I am not bothered that we are friends on Facebook.

I am FB friends with most of the people i have dated, even briefly. It has never been a problem for me. We just say hi once in a while.

Same here. I am friends with most of my ex's and we're all connected on FB. Except for the toxic ones.

After three days of no contact, I broke down and texted "I miss you" last night. He wrote back saying he misses me too.

I couldn't help it. At least with this one, nothing bad had happened causing me to enforce a strict no contact rule.

The other thing is -- he never was able to give me his Christmas present and I would prefer to have it. It would be a nice memento of our amazing times together. I want to have this in my possession. I am not materialistic, this is for sentimental reasons.

So I am wondering if I should ask him to get together one more time so he can give me his present. It may sting to see him... but perhaps an in person conversation would be helpful. I just don't know what to do about this.

Edited to say: I decided to text him to ask to get together.

I know I am going to want to make out with him one more time. It will be so hard not to..... he is too cute and too irresistible. Maybe there's no harm in one more goodbye kiss? As long as I can do it without wanting him more that would be OK I think. In knowing he cheats, I think I can do that without wanting more.

He agreed to get together Monday eve.

Golden, give it more thought please. I say it with most respect and care for you. You were making such progress...

There is no harm in casual sex or friends with benefits if that’s what was decided from the get go. However that’s not what happened. I know you were the one who ended it but the reason was him not wanting to be exclusive with you and pretty much not wanting relationship with you. Yet you continue texting him about missing him and now asking to meet him so you can make out and kiss him (he might be making out with other women eww).

What message do you send?

Imho you are sending indirect message that you are desperate and maybe don’t really value yourself high enough that even knowing he doesn’t want relationship with you you still want to make out (easy?). If you have a concern why you keep attracting wrong men and how to act so you don’t attract the kind of men, the first step would be acting with high respect for yourself. If you must have that gift he can ship it to you, or you can meet few months from now. I could see if it was 10 year long relationship or marriage and you need more closure but you barely knew the guy, it was non exclusive and casual and brief, plus you said you miss first guy and now you miss this one too?

Trust me texting or calling or meeting this guy or any other wrong guys is just a bad idea. If you want to make changes, today is the day to start. Have you talked to your therapist about it?

Please just think some more about it.

Hey Divine -- thank you for your caring concern.

I disagree with your perspective though, respectfully.

I want to see him to end things properly in person and to get my gift. He agreed and thought it was a great idea since we ended things abruptly by text.

I will only see him once, not casually continue to date him. It is not to kiss him again -- but that will be a temptation. This is to say goodbye properly -- what is wrong with that?

We dated for seven weeks and things were amazing. Nothing bad happened between us. I think it would be very nice and great for closure to have a proper in person conversation about things. I also want to remain friends with him. I only mentioned that it would be tempting to kiss him. There is no guarantee that I will, but I may, and I don't see this as not having self-respect. I have slept with someone else since breaking up with him (casually). So whether he is seeing other people now, it doesn't matter. I know he is a cheater, and therefore, I don't want him.

I do not see this as lacking self-respect. I see this goodbye as showing respect for what we shared together, which was quite beautiful and special. He has told me what we had was very special and very unique. We both feel the same way.

I have to agree with Divine here, golden_eve. I say this out of concern and caring for you, and not to be insulting in any way. But after 7 weeks of fun times spent together with a man you were not even exclusive with, who already said they loved you...it seems so rushed. You both had recently come out of a relationship and from what you have written it sounds like you were each others' rebounds.

Would the memories of your fun times not suffice? Is the memento really necessary? A memento of a 7 week fling with someone you were not even with exclusively? Of course, it's 100% your decision. It just strikes me, someone on the outside, as very odd. I hope you are able to find closure and happiness.

Thank you as well for your concern.

Respectfully, I disagree. I am fine this and don't see a problem with it. It's what I want to do.

It’s of course entirely up to you. I totally understand mementos and am very sentimental and passionate and all. I also understand wantinh memory and closure. I have jewelry from my ex husband who we raised our daughter with and have jewelry from my ex significant other with whom I spent almost 9 years together, 6 of which we lived together as a family and are still in touch (his kids and mine remained friends). I’d never get rid of those things.

I cherish things I have from my husband, my mother, my grandparents etc I have hard time comprehending wanting to get a gift from someone I dated and slept with for few weeks while he was still talking to other women on dating sites, you give your heart so fully and are so devoted to men who honestly just don’t deserve it.

Of course it’s no big deal if you meet but that’s two steps backwards again. Maybe your therapist will have a different view on this. Mine is as blunt as me, she’d be like “he is unhealthy, no need to drag it”

Take care of yourself please

Never mind I see your other post. You slept with someone else already (nothing wrong wuth that but dang it, you are quick!). Just be safe!