Advice needed for a harming relationship.

Hallo people. I would like to read opinions, what other people would do in my situation.
I am dating for a loooong time someone, with whom we went throught many rough and good times, but after many years here is the thing...
We got in these relationship with the perspective to get married. But after more than 5 years this has not happened.
Some of the things I have heard about it is:
- I need to get a good job first.
- I can not move near you with a job of 500 dollars (he lives in another city).
- I am planning to leave my wordefull family to marry you (saying it as a big sacrifice, like I own him for that) and this is devastating for me.

Plus, through all these years occasionally I 've heard things from him like:
- Oh "this" friend of mine offered me a great job opportunity in "this" city and I am thinking of it...
- Oh there is "this" interesting college masters degree in "this" city and I am thinking of it.
- Oh, I might aply again for a job in my city, because I know that in yours they will not hire me. I have no chances.

Meanwhile, he has made big trips to visited me for which I know he did sacrifices of various types. But, all the above things took place also.
He is also very supporting to me, when I have problems, spends a lot of money for me (I know, this may not be a sign of love) trying to get my admiration and liking and coveres all of our vacation expenses.

Meanwhile, through these years I have heard:
- Who is this spanish person, for whom you are learning spanish?
- (While texting to him and forgot to change the language) why are you using this slavic typing system? To whom are you texting?
- I don't want you to attend this drawing class, because you may meet someone. (He did not command me not to, but he made me feel really bad with his negative mood).
- Would you like to stay at home and not going out for fun again until I move near you?

Meanwhile, he is the one who had an affair while being with me, which ended at the beginning, as I discovered it. His excuse was that I was not giving him too much attention and was flattered by that woman.

I came many times to the point that I said "I can not bear this anymore. This has to stop". It is insane. I expressed it to him, I said why, and his response was something like "Immoral woman, you want to leave me for someone else, after all the sacrifices I have done for you" (not with these words, but the meaning was that).

I have developed the thought that he is not that much into it, but he is confusing me, as he generally shows interest in communicating with me from distance and meeting me occasionally.
What do you think?

Hello lady: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry I cannot be of any help with regard to your situation. I was a bit unclear with regard to this man's current marital status. You mentioned him talking about planning to leave his wonderful family to marry you. I wasn't sure if that meant he's currently married to someone else or if he's talking about parents, brothers, sisters, etc. My personal "gut-level" reaction to what you wrote, though, is that this man is stringing you along for his own benefit.

There is such a thing as emotional unavailability. I don't know if this bears any relationship to the man you're dating. But here are links to 3 articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject just in case. Perhaps they may be of some interest:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...navailability/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...y-unavailable/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...y-unavailable/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

It doesn't sound like he is in any rush to get married or even move to the same town. Is there a reason you stay in this relationship? I would be frustrated that nothing had changed over so much time. Does he invite you to move to his city?

After five years of no marriage, I question that there is ever going to be marriage.

I think he treats you poorly and tries to control/guilt you.

I agree with Bill3.
If your bf married or is he living w his parents?

Hi everyone. He is leaving with his parents, brothers, sisters, who by the way don't approve our relationship and don't want us to get married in any way, so we have kept it a secret, but they found out.

Yes, he invited me, but that was not what we had agreed on... anyway I can not move. I have a permanent job here and I made it clear from the very beginning that I DON'T want to move. He said that he wants to move on his own, without me asking it. I think that was an immature decision, without taking into account if he can realize it or not.
I am very frustrated indeed, and because I rely on him soooo much, it is difficult to take the decision to leave him. He is a big supporter in everything, but he is not willing to admitt how insanely jealous he is, or that he is not sure if he has the courage to oppose to his family and move near me.

Thank you for the links. In fact some things are true (speaking for him), thnigs mentioned on the article.
He is indeed absorbed, but not by himself, but by his family, who is trying to have a "servant boy" within the family, they ask him to do things for them that they can do on their own , like they are kids or something, and they are n o t willing to loose this... (Even when we two are in vacation, they ask him to do things through the internet and he does like a "good" boy, to avoid family grouchiness after he goes home). He recognizes it and he is not happy about it, but in order to avoid r e a l l y ugly fights, he is obeying with the hope to get the super job in my city to leave... When I argued with him about that and suggested that he should not tolerate such an attidute, he accused me for pushing him to fight with his family...
The question is: is there anything I can do about the whole situation? I have achieved nothing so far, by talking, arguing and even fighting with him sooo many times.

This man is controlling of you and shows no signs of a commitment. Sorry, but I would dump him.

I don't think you can change him. It's been five years and he has shown you who he is. He prioritizes his family's opinions and desires over yours. He probably always will. Could you imagine what it would be like if you were married into that family? What if he expects you to cater to their every whim as well??

It will be hard, but in the long run you may be happier cutting your losses on this relationship and finding someone local who is more mature and considerate.

Thank you for your thoughts... You might be right...

Does he live in a different country? It’s highly unusual for a man to live with whole bunch of family members in the US. And it’s unusual for an adult man to hide his dating from his family.

I am sorry but he has no intentions to marry you. He is stringing you along. 5 years is a long time. He may pretend to be jealous to give you an impression that he is serious about you. If he was serious he’d propose long ago. You deserve better.

It is common among various religious groups to live at parents' home until getting married. He is part of a such. He has proposed. We were planning it for years. The problem is that he seems that he has not took it seriously to move. He says he has done everything possible (he has applied for jobs indeed) to find a near job, he says that he is offended that I doubt about him. I don't think what he has done is enough though... 2 days ago I came up with the issue again asking "Would you find a n y job, just to be near me?" and his answer was "possibly, maybe, if that job is related to my college degree". What a shock for me that was.... so sad to hear from everyone around here that he is not serious about me...
and soooo difficult for me to accept it and move on...

The truth is that I asked him not to say anything to them until he would have found a job near me, as I didn't want them to blame me for taking him away from them, like he was a child and I kidnapped him. Maybe that was a mistake of mine... but their attitude when they found out was not good at all... sister was screaming saying things like that I can fit in a small grave when I die, that I wanted to harm them, to poison them and such insane things. After that he continued being silent about us, as every discussion was causing screaming and hurting words about me.

That's the thing, it's been five years of promises that don't go anywhere. It's just hard to imagine why he couldn't have made it work in that amount of time if he really wanted to or was able to

You are at an impasse where you want one thing, he says he wants that same thing, but then he goes and does something else. What can you do at that point but accept that what he says and what he does are two different things?

There's a chance that if you break things off, he will radically reform...

Honestly anyone can propose. He made no effort to actually marry you, and I could see if he needed a year or so. But no one needs 5 years to find a job and marry a woman. His actions speak louder than words here

Okey. The final attempt was this bellow and I will stop bothering people with this case anymore. I did a quick search for jobs myself, for jobs unrelated to his college degree and found 3 already with just one search. I showed them to him and the answer was "honestly the few times that I searched for unrelated jobs I did not find the ones you found. In fact I did not find any. So you search for me, because I am psychologically sooo tired from trying"... what????? And when I said that this is his responsibility, he kept saying that I don't want him in my life.

Thank you all for your support.