I want to do crazy things.

I posted this on a board where there are only like 5 people...I want some feedback so I posted it here...more people here.

I want to drive to where my X lives...we haven't talked in 8 days..we broke up 7 months ago when I asked him to leave my house.

I asked him to leave after 3 years of dealing with his drug problem.
There were NO other problems..except when he used every single night for about 8 hours.

My son laughs at me when I say there were no other problems. My son says..there aren't many problems that are BIGGER than drug/alcohol problems.

I am an alcoholic too so I understand addiction which is why I put up with it for so long.

he tried everything to get me back in his life over the past 7 months..and I did everything to continue to push him away.

This morning I am feeling a pure panic feeling in my stomach of missing him..only thinking of the "good" times and forgetting the bad.

Can't even stomach the fact of him being with anyone else.

And I myself can not stomach the fact of dating.

I know he is probably with someone else because he stated many times about how short life is and he hates being lonely and needs to have a women in his life which he preferred to be me.

I have this STRONG urge today to drive to his apartment, knock on the door and see who is there.

I have a STRONG feeling someone is there. I wonder if it is anyone from his past that I struggled with? When we broke up and I saw him a couple months later..he stated he had contacted ONE of the women I was concerned about..he said just because he was lonely and she knew him as a person. He said nothing happened and it was only a phone conversation.

And I wonder if she is there now...I look at him moving on as a betrayal..even thou I pushed and pushed him to stay out of my life.

A month ago..he couldn't go one day without texting me..even if I told him not to...Now it has been 8 days which leads me to believe he HAS to be with someone else.

I play it thru that if I drive there and knock on the door and discover who he is with (cause I would BARGE in as soon as the door opens)...What is that going to do for me?

I am thinking it would help me move on. I have expected that if he IS with someone else I would have received a text from him during the hours he is at work...Its killing me that i haven't heard from him.

But, it is not possible for me to be in a relationship with him at this time anyway because I am working on my sobriety and he is not.

What is the reason you see that I feel this strong urge to go there? Cause i know logically it solves nothing...but I can't seem to stop this urge I am having...if my car wasn't in such bad shape...I would probably already be there.

Jealousy and u loved the fact that he was chasing u. U are a smart beautiful woman who deserves better. Your son is right there aren't much worse than problems than addiction. Your sobriety depends on you focusing on you right now. Remember u deserve better and your son needs his mother no matter how old he is.

No offence meant here because I'm bipolar 1 too ...

But this is very impulsive ... how's your mood otherwise? Are you impulsive by nature or is this one of your early warning signs that you're entering an episode?

shannon..thank you...I'm 53 and my son is 28...It took me till 40 something to find someone that I felt like my authentic self with ...

I thank you for your input..cause I needed feedback but I want to say to you the same thing I said to my therapist...when you guys say "you deserve better"...He was a great human being with compassion for others...very close to his ailing Mom...watched him sole handedly take care of his sister when I first met him...and he refused to leave her...I felt safe with my emotions and body...Who says there is better out there for me?

Drugs are NOW a deal breaker for me...but they weren't a deal breaker for me when I met him cause I have been addicted to alcohol basically my whole life...Would it have been true if someone said to whoever I was dating..You can do better? Just because I drank alcohol too much?

CrazyHitch..I don't know what and "episode" feels like...I was only diagnosed with Bipolar 1 about a year ago..and I'm not on board with the diagnosis.

But I defiently was having a panic episode over this yesterday...I was about to send him a text yesterday and ask who he was seeing and ask if I knew her...He wasn't doing anything wrong according to women when he was with me...He was trustworthy and loyal....

During the seperation I found some emails where he was reaching out to women on Craiglist..and I wasn't snooping his email was set up on my phone because he didn't know how or want to know how to use it when he was with me and only used the email for prospective jobs...

I got an email notification one day and it was a reply from someone on Craigslist at the same time he was seeing me once a week..and I thought we were both aiming for sobriety and then we knew if we achieved sobriety for a period of time..we would work on other things.

But, since I saw him reaching out...I kinda put that in the category of "cheating" because he didn't tell me about it..and he was treating me well at the same time

Craz

I have the same feelings.. I want to break up so badly but dont want to see him with someone else.. Makes my heart pound.

Yea..I don't know why that is..that we don't want them with others when we REALLY don't want to be with them either....it doesn't make any sense to me.

I saw your other post how he comes back..and how miserable you are...your not alone..I met my b/f today..he was late..pissed me the **** off...and ruined the whole day.

Now we have text wars all night..so ****ing ridiculous

I understand how you feel when you are away from someone you obviously care a lot about. I love the man I have been away from for the last 6 months, but he has a serious drinking problem that cost him his ex-wife and two daughters a couple of years ago. I CANNOT be with him because of the rages he has when he gets drunk..I have PTSD and this type of behavior "triggers" me terribly. I have put up with having to leave him for weeks at a time, many many times, because he chooses to get drunk. I also wonder if he has gotten lonely enough to see someone else; since we talk frequently he says he will wait on me to return. This is the longest I have been away from him and don't know if I can go back to his home because that's the place I was when he chose to traumatize me with his yelling at me..his behavior may sound simple to others but it bothers me greatly. I do hope you figure out what's best for your own well being. I keep praying for the strength and guidance to know what I should or shouldn't do, in my situation. Take care...

squa..its such a see saw of emotions...I did end up tracking him down..and the last 3 days?

Still a rollercoaster...You are doing and feeling the same way I am..I have issues with my b/f due to crack/cocaine..

it totally changes him..I continuously ask him not to call me when he is on it cause it agitates me so much...I asked him to leave my house 7 months ago after being together for 4 years...I asked him to leave because my son had to come stay here..and they butted heads...plus my son knew he did drugs and didn't like him...

He didn't stop using drugs..so before my house got out of control with anger...I asked him to leave...but iI feel like you do..