[RideOrDie]

I am in love with a woman who lives 2800 miles away. I am hurting right now and don't know what to do. I've been crying for the past 2 days, drinking to go to sleep, drinking in the morning to take the pain away - not being able to concentrate or work. I need help.

She and I have been friends for almost 4 years. We got together 3 months before I moved and we've been up and down ever since I left. When times were going well, I was the happiest person in the world. When times were not so well, I was the saddest.

I've been gone for 3 months and a month ago, she ended the relationship. When she broke up with me, she said, she could not give me what I needed (at this point I was asking for a simple phone call to let me know she loved me as she became busy - I felt her separating from the relationship and asked her to just call to say I love you every now and then and to let me know that things will be okay - she said she couldn't do that). She also said she still thought of her ex (she had broken up with her ex about a month before we decided to start our relationship) and she also told me that the distance was too much. So, I agreed, was devastated and asked for a week to myself (ie, no phone calls). She called and sent emails which gave me hope but a part of me was trying to separate myself from the situation. As time went by she began to call us "separated" but working on a relationship. I'm in love with her and I want to marry her eventually (if there's hope). She still said I love you every now and then, we'd argue every now and then....it was like being together but not.

I wanted to break apart from this back and forth. I tried separating myself more and more but I still kept leaning to her for support and love. This weekend, I had sex with someone else - I wanted to break the dependency. I don't know why, but I felt extremely guilty afterwards. My ex called and could tell I was down and asked what was wrong. I kept saying nothing and she finally asked after 20 questions, if I had been sleeping with other women. I didn't answer the question, just cried harder and she exploded. She started crying, saying that our love meant nothing to her, that she doesn't believe in love, that she should have stayed with her ex (who's abusive), that her ex would never have done what I did, etc... (the status of our relationship was open - we talked about sleeping with other people in order to clarify the term "separated" and she said it didn't matter - she knew we were risking our relationship by separating and that going out with others was fine).

Now she's not talking to me - she said she needed time away. I know I love her - I'm in love with her and I want to be together with her for the rest of our lives but I also know that this isn't the right time. I just need help, support, encouragement, and I want to make this pain go away. Does anyone have advice?

(Thanks for just listening. It helps to just get it out....I still don't have a lot of friends out here so it's hard to find people to talk to).

-Ride

[dragonphoto]

Ride, I am going through something similar although not quite so far away from her. My wife and I have been seperated for going a two months now and I have not really had that time with my kids and it breaks my heart. Last Monday I called 911 because I was at the bottom of the barrell and thought I was going to hurt myself. I spent the next three days in a hospital. While I was there I learned quite a bit. The docs put me on Wellbutrin XL and it takes about ten days for it to really start working, but I feel different now. I am not as upset as I was before and I think more clearly. I will keep you in my prayers, just remember to keep smiling because that is the one thing that no one can take away from you.

[Perna]

RideOrDie, when I read this, "I wanted to break apart from this back and forth. I tried separating myself more and more but I still kept leaning to her for support and love" I could feel your conflict.

I think now you have done something that has succeeded in breaking the conflict and I would try embracing that. I know the pain is horrible but there does not seem to be any hope of getting back together, especially with the physical distance still between you; it's not like you can accidentally run into your love, and the two of you immediately go off together and talk/fix what is severed.

I have had the pain; my first love broke off with me and didn't want to see me anymore and it took me 3-4 months and a new relationship to feel better. I started a new job and even that didn't help much. You must go out with other friends, be with other people and not so much alone with just the booze and your tears. That's the wrong "direction". Did you care at all about the woman you slept with? Can you see her again and, not start a relationship with her necessarily, but just take her out and talk with her and get to know her as another person and friend for a bit? Find people to talk to, not necessarily about your lost love, but about life and what they are doing, etc. The more you can look forward the faster the pain will move toward the rear.

[RideOrDie]

Why is it so hard? I know I need to separate from this right now but this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know we care about each other very deeply but it's not our time. I don't want to lose her.

Yes, I can go out with the woman I met here - she's been supportive and one of the few people I can call a friend here. I can't be in a serious relationship while being in love with my ex. I just don't want to lose my ex all together (or lose complete contact because the distance will end us) - I still have hope (even if it takes years).

She was supposed to come to visit in December. Now this may not happen. We're not certain this is the best idea...

I appreciate your responses. I'm still in pain - crying at random times.

[dragonphoto]

Ride my wife and I were high school sweethearts and after high school we went our seperate ways. Seven years later we were reunited. I know how it feels to want to be with someone that you can't be with. The one thing you have to remember come hell or high water, you love her. Your love for her will endure over all things. I am sure that she loves you as well but sometimes women do not like to show their emotions in front of men (I think that is why they go into the bathroom together). Whatever you do don't lose faith...faith in what you may ask. DESTINY!!!!!!

[RideOrDie]

Thanks Dragon. I feel a lot better just knowing it's possible.

[TYMBERWOLV]

Ride and Dragon ,

My situation is so similar to both of yours. I have endured hell for over a year ... But I realized that it is my choice to to endure the hell not my spouses. I have been seperated for over a year and truly it hasnt been very easy to deal with that pain .... My spouse and I have been together since high school 17 years she is all I have known .... I will support you in every way that is possible ..... Being away for this length of time I have truly learned some do's and don't ....

Both of you my friends please feel free to contact me


Tymber

[butterflies002]

ride, i honestly dont know where to start here... i know you are in pain and that you really love this woman, but, do you love yourself? I mean it seems as if you were having a problem with dealing with the distance and amount of time you got to spend with her when you moved, and you needed to hear "i love you" every now and again, which is totally understandable. You told her that you needed to hear it, no problem in that. BUT... she said she couldnt do that, and that was/is not a big or hard request on your end. And if shes throwing her ex in your face like that then shes obviously not trueley over her ex... i know it probly hurts to hear such a ting, but you did ask for advice and well... im on the outside looking in and sometimes... the truth hurts. but my advice to you is to try to just forget her as much as you can and see that she obviously didnt care 4 u as much as u did 4 her. there is someone better out there 4 u. ull find sumone who appreciates love... just take it one day at a time keep your head up... you did nothing wrong ..................... butterflies002