I think I messed up...feeling guilty

I regret a conversation I just had with my friend. Sometimes we give each other advice on different things, including relationships. She was in an abusive relationship and I might have come off a little strong by telling her to be careful about going back. There was another guy she might get involved with, where there are a lot of red flags too.

I worry that instead of coming off supportive, I came off as a know-it-all, when that was not my intention whatsoever, and I want to be supportive. It's just that I don't want to see her hurt. I guess it's just that if someone gives me feedback on something and comes from a good place, I am usually okay with it and won't get mad. Now, I realize that some people are more sensitive than others.

There was a different time where she got mad at me for a misunderstanding over something very little, where she stopped talking to me for about a month with no contact whatsoever, not once talking to me about what was wrong. I didn't even know if she was okay or not. I can imagine her reaction being worse this time around. I hate to admit it, but she has been very passive aggressive. In this situation though, I can understand her not liking the way I came off.

I know I need to make changes, and I immediately texted her with an apology. She has not answered. I don't really know if I should try to reach out to her again, or if I should just let it ride?

I do not know what to do to make it up to her. Also, I'm not sure how to deal with guilt??? I have tendencies where I always feel the need to be on good terms with everyone and know where I stand.

I understand. I tend to have a hard time sugar coding things when I am trying to be supportive. Especially if I am hurting for my friend and I have her best interest at heart. And, I used to expect my friends to be okay with it. I don’t anymore. I have believed that if we are already friends, established a strong foundation, why do I have to walk on eggshells and mince my words when being supportive? Why can I not call it as is? Especially if I see my friend about to make a wrong decision (i.e., going back to an abusive relationship).
If we are good friends, it should not be perceived as an attack because it is not. Of course, I don’t do that anymore. I stopped being honest and started catering to my audience a while ago. Instead, I mince my words and be very gentle with my delivery. And, sometimes I don’t really tell all my concerns and only tell what they want to hear.
I lost friends due to my honesty and now I am being more gentle. I have learned that not everyone wants to hear honesty. They call it judgement. Most want their suffering to be validated or look for support for their wrong decisions (i.e. going back to an alcoholic bf).
Also, you mentioned that your friend has been acting passive aggressive. May be subconsciously you resent her for that and that resentment got channeled through as anger while you were communicating?
I don’t think you messed up. If you have your friend’s best interest at heart, then your conscious can sleep well tonight. Also, she may need to do some self reflection. She cannot control you with her sensitivity. That is not fair.

When you interact with this individual who tends to be sensitive, it's important to point out things she is doing that are good so she doesn't end up feeling like she is a failure. People who suffered emotional abuse can most definitely be extra sensitive because of how the person who abused them tended to attack their self esteem with constant criticism.

When you are interacting with a sensitive individual like this it's important try to end your discussion in a way where they walk away feeling empowered in some way. This individual you described probably needs to have someone help her by telling her she deserves better and that she is smart and that when someone is doing this or that with her she needs to stand her ground and remember she is not receiving the right kind for respect she deserves.

Pay attention to how you might unknowingly give your feelings more importance than hers when you are interacting with her. That is what dysfunctional or abusive individuals do and that's probably why this individual is so easily triggered. That means to try to make sure that you are not unknowingly talking down to her or condescending.

You did the right thing by telling this to her; abusive relationships can be very dangerous. Keep trying to improve your social skills, but don't feel guilty about what you've done. Do you have any evidence your friend got hurt or is it just a fare you have?

I have a strong feeling that she did. She usually shuts down and doesn't respond to my texts when she is feeling this way. Actually, I really hope she actually says something if she is hurt. I understand when people get silent for a few days, but when she didn't attempt to answer me at all for a whole month for something very small that wasn't even my fault, it made me question our friendship (that was a separate incident). I wouldn't have done that to her, but I forgave her.

Since she has given me the silent treatment before, I just wouldn't be surprised if it is happening now, except this time I do see where I went wrong. Still, I find it wrong for someone to not give a friend the time of day to explain why they are mad for such a long period of time.

I did just bring this up to my brother. He told me that I shouldn't over-apologize and that a good friend would be willing to talk about why they are mad. He said I should just be myself, instead of worrying about what everyone thinks all the time.

Here's the thing: I have been validating and listen to her A LOT. I often feel like her therapist. It gets to a point where you feel you need to give some feedback, since you are constantly validating the person. It gets to a point where I feel it wouldn't hurt to give some feedback. Plus, I feel I should be allowed to express myself and feel "safe enough" to be a human, rather than a programmed therapist. I immediately saw where I went wrong and apologized, so I feel if she is going to be overly sensitive about this and ignore me, then maybe she doesn't value the friendship the way I do?

Thanks for this. I feel that I am walking on eggshells a lot with her. It is starting to get really frustrating. I really do have her best interest at heart, and I wish I could just be myself. She's really the only friend I've had that has had a problem with me involving this.

Sometimes a person can go silent not so much because of you but sometimes it's because the person can feel so vulnerable they just want to isolate or disconnect for a bit. And sometimes if you are trying to warn a person that you see some red flags, they may choose to get back involved with someone you tried to warn them not to get involved with.

That can be a challenge but the only thing you can do is take a step back and give that other person some space.

Thanks...yea I'm going to do that. This is bringing up some past pain for me too, when she has hurt me...so I guess that's why I am also experiencing some anger. I guess we both need to cool off, so I don't say anything that I regret.

An argument against advising people not to return to abusive relationships is that they already have been advised this by others and/or by their internal voice. Nevertheless they may feel helpless, that they have to go back, and thus they may feel shamed, and therefore angered, by their perceived helplessness and by the reminders from well-meaning others.

Another risk to consider is that we might unconsciously give advice so as to quiet the voice inside of ourselves, the voice that tells us to be helpful. Sometimes though the best help we can give is simply to be present and supportive, discussing pros and cons but remaining neutral ourselves, and then supporting them in their decision one way or the other.

You know, Open Eyes brings up a good point about people who have suffered abuse having a hard time with criticism. I also think there's a way to be honest with people and be mindful that they don't feel judged. Remember the TRUTH as you see it is subjective. Because we can only judge from our perspective, so the truth is subjective, it's your opinion of the matter. When you are telling them your opinion, you say it's the truth, but it's the truth of your opinion, not the truth of the whole situation. So your opinion is a judgment.

When someone comes to me for validation and support, I try to gauge what will be helpful to them in what they need to hear. Not what TRUTH I espouse to tell them. Or feel entitled to tell them. I'm not talking about being dishonest or walking on eggshells and avoiding things. I'm talking about being sensitive to another person's feelings. I'm getting really tired of people saying "oh I'm just really direct and blunt" when really they are being insensitive and putting their need to say their opinion over the person who needs support, whether it's a friend or whatever, and their feelings, which is the whole purpose of the conversation.

I think, if you are offering advice or support, remember that with every word you speak your intent is to help the other person and take that into consideration with what you say and how you say it. It's not about your opinion. It's about helping them make a decision that they feel good about.

So, to your thing, Raven, about whether or not she's mad at you, I agree that if she's upset she needs to come out and say it. If you've texted her and apologized, all you can do is sit and wait for her to get over it. I'm not sure how long it has been since you texted...I would think allowing her a few days to settle her emotions, especially if she's been emotionally abused and is sensitive, would be fair.

I also think having an honest conversation about your friendship would be a good thing. You could say to her, "I know sometimes I come off as harsh, but I don't mean to. I really just want to help. But when you disappear and won't talk to me or tell me that I've upset you, I can't do anything about it."

If she has been abused, then it's very likely that she avoids conflict at all costs. So when she's upset with you, she just cuts you off and eats her emotions so she doesn't have to deal with it. Learning to deal with conflict with you, her friend, could be good for her as she moves forward and learns to manage conflict in a healthy, communicative way.

I know it's difficult to be someone's friend when they lean so heavily on you and it's one-sided, but you are doing such a nice and compassionate thing by being there for her.

Maybe take a break and set up some boundaries for yourself like of how often you will listen to her and counsel her, so you don't burn out.

Seesaw

I knew someone that was in a toxic relationship. When things got bad I would get a call for support. When there was silence I got to learn that meant this person was silent because they were back again in the relationship.

It's important that you work on how "you" got to a "you did something wrong" mode. You tried to be a good friend, go easy on yourself because not all reactions you face from other people are your fault.

I wish people really tried to be gentle with people who are sensitive. I have never found that to be true. They always just say to toughen up.