Dating more than one man

I'm getting over some guilt feelings I had for dating someone other than my boyfriend of over 2 years. He has serious addiction issues that can make him too irritable for me. Then again, when he is "medicated", I'll call it that, because to him that is what it is, he's ok to be around. Loving, affectionate. Not generous though. He's selfish when it comes to money. Makes sense since he needs the money for his addictions. He says "I want it, I don't need it"..... which is denial. Then again he'll admit he's an addict.

He doesn't want me to date anyone else. Says he'll break up with me if I do, and I believe he will. I already feel a distance from him and like he doesn't have respect for me (I told him I want to and have dated someone else). I'm just going to end up repeating myself but....

My basic question. Is it wrong to just casually see another man and not tell my boyfriend? He gets angry at just the thought that I'm spending time with another man. So far that's all it has been. I like this other man.

My conscience says I have to be truthful to both, but that leaves me stuck with my boyfriend who is afraid of commitment, never sure of what he wants for us. I can't keep living like this not knowing if I'm right to keep it to myself, give myself a chance to get to know someone else.

You lost me in the first paragraph - you’re boyfriend is medicated or your other friend is medicated? This whole thing sounds like a trainwreck is about to happen. Trust is big in a relationship (so I hear) and there ain’t none here. That said I’m not one to openly condemn polygamous relationships because I’m just enlightened and modern. You are going to have to decide on your road to happiness - your secret makes me wonder if anybody can rely on you. Good luck

If you break up with your selfish, addicted boyfriend who has commitment issues and is only okay to be around when his is "medicated," what have you got to lose?

Boyfriend, calls cannabis, and alcohol, his "medication". Thank you for passing judgement.

I haven't any secrets either, have told both what I'm doing and why. Maybe I don't have anything to lose.

You asked a question. No need to get defensive. I would dump the selfish, addicted boyfriend who has commitment issues, and medicates with alcohol. I hope the other guy is "better," but hey, who's to judge. Make up your own mind if you don't want suggestions.

And you aren't seeing the sarcasm in my first response. Do you really want a commitment with the boyfriend? Would you want him as a father to your child? If you are just looking for fun then he sounds fun.

Unless you're in an agreed upon polygamous relationship with both of these guys, then they will likely have an issue with you seeing another man. It is good that you have been open with both of them, but for their sakes and yours, you should decide which one you'd rather be with. Unless, of course, they agree to a polygamous relationship. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

You said you're being open with both but then you said

That is wrong, if you're doing it behind his back then yes that is a bad idea. If you're communicating about it then he will tell you whether or not he is OK with it, it's up to him. But then it sound like he's already clearly told you he doesn't want you to see another man. So it seems like you will have to choose one or the other.

by casually, I meant friendship. I'm not looking for another serious relationship. But yes, it would be wrong if this new man doesn't want just friendship, and he's said things that make it obvious he wants more than that. I've always wondered if a woman who's in a committed relationship with a boyfriend, can be just friends with another man. Sometimes I wish it was possible, I seem to get along with men better than women. I'm defensive, only because people in this relationship forum, not all people, but some, are very judgmental without having the information to do so. I'm not polyamourous or polygasmist or whatever, I don't even know how to spell that. I have enough guilt in my life already, and don't need to feel even more guilt. If someone wants to be sarcastic, go ahead, but this is supposed to be a community of people that are here to help other people.

Don’t you think that dating two men - especially if one is your boyglfriend going to cause some emotional turmoil? Somebody is going to get hurt - not being judgmental this is just human nature. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like the type that would be agreeable to such an arrangement. As for his medication - it sounds like his usage is driving a wedge between you two, therefore it’s a problem.

You need to think about how you want to see a future relationship, particularly with your boyfriend, compared to how things are now.
To answer your question, yes, it is wrong. It is wrong for your conscience, your boyfriend in the long-term (his condition is bad enough), and could be wrong for your date (If I dated a woman knowing she has a boyfriend, I'd break up on the spot)

i always tell guys upfront i will not be faithful ever, so i never felt guilty about do it with multiple people

Free at last 😊

For the huggable

Well. Yes my conscience tells me it's wrong. I'll take that much needed break from men now. This forum is "touchy" to say the least. I will do my best not to judge others when I don't know them. I appreciate having psych central.

Do you live with your bf? Are you engaged? He’s cheap, so I assume he doesn’t support you. Therefore my response is NO your options are open. Date without guilt for not telling him. Hopefully the new guy is the right one for you because your bf who won’t commit isn’t.

Thanks Tisha,
No I don't live with him, not engaged, no support financially. I am free, thank you. You got to the point, I can date without guilt. Still taking a break for a bit, and yes, the new guy is very different and has my interest.

I would distance myself from BF ... give yourself time to process what the relationship really is and if you see a future.

Life is hard , no reason to stay in something that could easily become harder based on his addictions.

Good luck

My bf said a while ago, when I said I'm dating someone else, "Then I should be able to as well"....and I said yes. So it isn't like he wants me to do that, of course, but he isn't holding me back from what I'm doing. He's confusing. He'll say in the past as well, "fine, date other men", or "go ahead and see how long that lasts before you come back to me".... He's also said I've built up his self confidence and that he can find another woman. These things don't make me feel special or loved. I'm going to give this time, I can spend time when I'm ready with this man I've met a few months back. And if lose my boyfriend by being honest with him, I'll live with it.

Oh no he didn’t!!! That’s horrible to say.

It must be difficult to be in a relationship with a person who has a problem with addiction. I hope you can resolve this issue. There's a group called Al-Anon for people in relationships where substance abuse is an issue. Maybe you could attend a meeting or two to see if anything sounds familiar? Just a suggestion.

:-) oh yes he did.

Thanks everyone

Just to chime in & im sure you might’ve read about people with addictions....you’re in a relationship with 3 things. Him, you & his addiction. You won’t come first. Is that ok with you? I do know some people can live like that & manage it. But can you?
You’ve been honest with him & maybe, subconsciously, you’ve been very honest with him in the hope that this would spark movement with him in this relationship whether positive or negative. And he’s given you his answer. Basically his blessing.

See how things progress with the other person. I hope well.

What if you start to really like the new guy? Do you find him attractive? Are you open to the possibility that dating him "as a friend" might lead to something more? If that were to happen, then what course would you follow?

It sounds like you do not want to end involvement with the first guy, until - and unless - you have another relationship established. You don't sound too happy with your boyfriend. But I get the impression that the main thing you want to avoid is not having "a boyfriend." Like any guy is better than no guy. That's an approach that a lot of women take. I haven't seen it lead to happiness, but I guess it's a strategy for avoiding being alone.

I stuck with a guy who had a substance abuse habit. In retrospect, I'm not sure that was wise of me - even though he quit. I wouldn't recommend it. We all end up paying for our mistakes. I feel like I'm paying for mine and for his too.

I came to feel that being with someone seriously flawed was better than being alone. (By seriously flawed, I don't mean imperfect, which is true of all human beings. I mean flawed to where his life was just an ongoing mess.) Maybe that's your outlook, too.

The problem with hanging on to a deeply dissatisfying relationship is that it crowds out other possibilities - as you are finding. But, if you end it, there's no guarantee something better will come along.