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#1
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this after I helped my 18 year old son get a used car. Here is the background. My son 18 and a senior in high school. Has went through three cars. 1st car an older Blazer that he just was too hard on. The second car was my Grand Am that a friend of his rear ended and totaled. After insurance my son pressured me into getting a car that my hubby didn't want him to have. Engine blew. My son has been driving my hubbies S-10 for the past year and isn't taking care of it. It wasn't that great in the first place but my son is sending it to an early grave. My hubby says he needs to drive it till it drops but complains that my son is tearing it up. My son kept begging me to help him get a new car that he is embarressed to drive the truck and people make fun of him. So I tried to talk to hubby about getting son a different car but hubby just shut me down with "I don't want to talk about it". I got a loan ($3300) for a car but I'm paying for it with child support until my son finishes wrestling and gets a job. The payment is no big deal.
His son, 13 is in trouble with the courts for assault. This is his second one along with a possession charge a while back. He has already been suspended 10 days this school year. If he gets in trouble one more time at school, he is outta there. I decided he needs counceling and we have been going to the past three weeks. He also is a habitual liar and steals things from the house and has this obsession with my underwear. I won't say what he did with the last pair that I found. Hubby wants a divorce becuase of the car loan and that he is tired of all the crap. He says he loves me but thinks a divorce is the only solution. I know I'm hard on his son. It makes me so angry that he gets by with all that he does. His bedroom is a total disaster. I don't mean normal teenage sloppy stuff. He has made holes in the walls and in his mattress. There are black marks, I guess from shoes, on his walls. He has taken a knife and carved into his night stand. He not only does distructive things at home but also at his grand parents house. Cutting their carpet, carving into bedroom furniture (cuss words). Still I don't want my hubby to leave me. Any advice? Thanks |
#2
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Hi TinaP and welcome to PsychCentral.
Have you considered family therapy with all four of you? It sounds like there are so many strained dynamics, that working with one professional who sees the whole family picture would be really helpful. The family therapist could work with all of you together and also subsets of your family too, sometimes just your husband and you, sometimes a parent and child, etc. I was confused by the car situation. Your husband is already paying you child support, which you are using to make car payments? So you are already well on your way to divorce if you are receiving child support? I think you have been more than generous with cars for your son. He is 18 now. Maybe it is time he was responsible for providing his own transportation, saving up money from a job to buy a car, etc. Because it sounds like this car thing is causing big problems in your family, and if you take that off the table, and let your 18 year old adult son have that responsibility, perhaps it would help things all around.
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"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
#3
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The 18 year old is my son, not my husbands. My sons father is the one paying child support. sorry for the confusion.
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#4
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i see where you are comming from my son is adhd he is very distructive, his bedroom is a tip, on occasions that i have cleaned his room i have found under wear belonging to his sisters i have removed it and told him no more, last timne i said if i find any more i would tell other ppl in front of him by the way son is now 16,
i can also see where your hubby see that you are just bailing out your son make him pay the loan back so he learns to look after the car, if he keeps getting cars trashed and you replce them hes not learning talk to your hubby explain you dont want a divorce but you know there is a problem but you need his help to sort out both problems thats my opinion hope this helps
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#5
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He says he loves me but thinks a divorce is the only solution. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I'm sure there are other -and better- solutions. IMO this could go either way. Either the spouse is being honest with his feelings that this is the only solution, or spouse wants out and is using this as an excuse. ![]() I would insist upon his going with you to a mediator of some sort, probably a psychologist adept at handling the many aspects of family life. ![]() I can see a problem, personally, with continuing to provide an out of control child with rewards (cars.) I hope you can get this worked out. ![]()
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#6
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Wow you are between a rock and a hard place.
You mentioned being hard on his son, does he (husband) have the same discipline rights with your son? It does not sound so. That may be the heart of your issue. I know you mention step son's criminal history, but distruction of property is also a crime. Someone mentioned family councelling and that sounds like a good idea. You do not say how long you've been married, is this a new issue or has it been ongoing and hubby has reached his limit? I wish you the best of luck with husband and children.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
#7
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Hun,
Im going to go out on a limb here and say that Hubby might not want a divorce he might want a break from all the chaos... as far as ur son goes ... by buying him the next car you are showing him that he doesnt have to take care of anything mommy will bail him out as far as his son... that boy needs to be talking to a professional as far for u andf hubby talk to someone about the situation two blended families are hard to deal with ' T |
#8
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Don't compare the kids.
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#9
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You are hard on his son, but buy your son car after car which he goes on to wreck? And he's 18, i.e. an adult?
I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. I hope you can find the answers you need. |
#10
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You know? I don't know why I'm being such a hard a--. I had the very same problem. I felt guilty, so I did everything I could for my son. I didn't have the complication of a step child, but I did have a new husband. It was beyond impossible until my son finally moved out in his mid 20s, because my loyalties were constantly divided.
I wish you the best. I know this is a very hard time. |
#11
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i can see that you are in a serious situation. i do think that somehow your son needs to learn to take care of his possessions, ie. car. It is smart to have him find a job to pay for the car payments to take responsibility and maybe that will be the ticket for him to take car of his car rather than run it into the ground or tear it up. As far as hubby becoming angry about having bought the car for him, did you discuss it with him prior to the purchase? The money is coming from child support which is for the child so it isn't quite like you took money from family funds. Even so, if you continue to bail out your son, he'll not learn. I don't mean to be judgemental or harsh so I apologise if i seem to be.
i know that merged families come with a lot of difficulties. i don't know, but learning to love a 13 yr. old boy who is extremely destructive would be hard. then his fetish with your underwear.... that would be concerning. does your husband know about this behavior? it is obvious that the 13 yr. old needs psychological/psychiatric help. it concerns me that if he is not treated, his behavior could escalate to where he is legally placed in a juvenile detention center. would you describe him as incorrigible? it sounds like you resent him and can't say that i wouldn't either. i hope that somehow you can find a way to lighten up on him. maybe he has some redeeming qualities so that you can encourage the positive and downplay the negative. Maybe he is rebelling against you because you are hard on him when he sees you favoring (not the word i'm looking for) your son. as far as your husband, sounds like some good communication would be a good start. i don't know how long you have been married, but if neither of you are talking over issues, that leads each other to develop misperceptions and wrong interpretations. actually, your post read like the kids are coming in between you and your husband. if so, this gives me some hope that you two can reconcile your issues and not allow the kids to divide you resulting in divorce. others have suggested a good family counselor. i have to agree. everyone has something to benefit from it. i only wish counseling worked quickly as you have an emergency. one item i'd like to comment on, it doesn't sound like you and your husband are a team. if this is so, confusion abounds especially when how to reward or disipline children go. i truly wish you the best and hope that you and your husband can save your marriage. i confess that i am not even close to an expert but have been close to those in similar situations. Be Blessed I hope all of us have helped in some way. |
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