[Crazy Hitch]

My partner and I moved in together in December and I’m learning a new side to him. I am absolutely hating the role I’ve taken on in this relationship.

If ANYTHING breaks or needs attention I must just figure out how to fix it

We need the council to come pick up rubbish (old mattresses) and I asked him this weekend if he’d rung and he told me you’re the female you ring and fix it.

On the weekend the front gate broke. Guess what? He told me to fix it.

A grape vine growing by our roof fell with the wind and I couldn’t reach and guess what? He told me to fix it.

Last night our Foxtel broke .., and yup ... you guessed it.

Today I got home from work and the Internet wasn’t working. By the time he’d got home I’d been having a crack at the cables for half an hour and he said “Good for you”.

I’m furious

He’s been trying to fix up bits and pieces at his old place and has his folks who are retired helping him and it’s been 6 weeks and he’s STILL not done.

Sorry for the rant I’m desperate and yes I’ve spoken to him and told him that he has responsibilities in this role in this relationship too

[Crazy Hitch]

I really don’t know if I want to punch a pillow or cry right now

[MickeyCheeky]

What did he say when you told him he has responsabilities? Did he just agree and continued as if nothing happened?

[LadyShadow]

Yeah what happened? Did you guys talk through it? Moving in with someone DOES end up revealing their true colors, and since its only been a couple of months, I am glad you are at least seeing this now.

Deep breaths, and don't attack him with rants or anything, but whip that boy in shape!

He needs to take some responsibility!

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

What did he say when you told him he has responsabilities? Did he just agree and continued as if nothing happened?

He acts as if nothing is his responsibility. His standard line is “well I don’t know how to fix it”

I have just fixed the internet cable ... exactly 3 hours later

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Yeah what happened? Did you guys talk through it? Moving in with someone DOES end up revealing their true colors, and since its only been a couple of months, I am glad you are at least seeing this now.

Deep breaths, and don't attack him with rants or anything, but whip that boy in shape!

He needs to take some responsibility!

We’re surpassed the talking about it stage. I’m now totally at the arguing stage. I’ve told him so many times I really don’t like the role I’m playing. And I hate the fact that he gives up so easily. He’ll just look at something for 2 minutes and say I don’t know and walk off

[magicalprince]

Man, that sounds frustrating. Chances are this is coming from a greater issue in his personality/inner makeup that you guys are clashing over. It's one thing to not know how to fix things, it's another thing to see you in distress and not even try, and to shut out or ignore your concerns.

Keep in mind when you think about your living situation that this is probably just who he is right now and you probably won't get him to change. Best of luck...

[Moreta]

My husband fixes the tech stuff, I fix everything else, or at least attempt then tell him how to do it. My hands are weak from hurting most of the time. But yeah you need to set down some boundaries. Don't argue. Kill them with kindness. Maybe look up a youtube video for it for him to show him how to fix it. That's how I fix things. Youtube has almost everything. I still need to fix our dishwasher, but I'll get to that hopefully next month when I have some money. I grew up working on stuff so I got that stupid engineers mind and my husband doesn't.

[divine1966]

You dated for awhile so it’s likely that you saw that side of him prior to moving in?

So he believes you should fix things because you are a “female”? One thing is not being a handy man which is fine and the other to expect you to make phone calls because yiu are a “female”. That goes beyond not knowing how to fix things

Is this your house? Honestly he might need to go to his own place.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You dated for awhile so it’s likely that you saw that side of him prior to moving in?

So he believes you should fix things because you are a “female”? One thing is not being a handy man which is fine and the other to expect you to make phone calls because yiu are a “female”. That goes beyond not knowing how to fix things

Is this your house? Honestly he might need to go to his own place.

It’s the first time we’ve lived together as a couple. We’re renting a new place. I didn’t see it before because we weren’t living together so I don’t know what he did in terms of maintenance.

[Crazy Hitch]

Is it stereotypical for me to have assumed men fix things? Physical things that break. It wasn’t a sexist thought. That’s just how I grew up watching my dad and what happened in my previous marriage.

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Is it stereotypical for me to have assumed men fix things? Physical things that break. It wasn’t a sexist thought. That’s just how I grew up watching my dad and what happened in my previous marriage.

Not all men know how to fix things or know how to follow a sheet of directions on how to do it. I just know how to fix things cause I spent most of my time growing up fixing things with my dad and working in production type settings building lab equipment the first 3 years I worked. My husband spent his time playing video games and working in retail. Does your bf have ADD/ADHD by any chance?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Is it stereotypical for me to have assumed men fix things? Physical things that break. It wasn’t a sexist thought. That’s just how I grew up watching my dad and what happened in my previous marriage.

My brother doesn’t fix things. He isn’t the type. What he does is hires people to fix it. One of my nephews is very handy but the other one also just hires people to do it. My husband can fix some things, what he can’t fix he’d look for someone to fix. I could fix some things but not all. What bothers me here is that your guy isn’t even being a team player and jusf tells you to do things. I am not a princess who wants man to do things but I believe in being team players and both taking responsibilities

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

It’s the first time we’ve lived together as a couple. We’re renting a new place. I didn’t see it before because we weren’t living together so I don’t know what he did in terms of maintenance.

I understand but don’t you know how your partner is by just being with him, not necessarily living with him? Don’t you ever stay the night of hung out on the weekend? My husband and I got engaged and moved in together after a little over 7 months of dating and I knew what he can or cannot do. That’s why I am surprised.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Is it stereotypical for me to have assumed men fix things? Physical things that break. It wasn’t a sexist thought. That’s just how I grew up watching my dad and what happened in my previous marriage.

Yes it is stereotypical but if that's what you like in a man you have every right to look for that. I don't think you should expect your partner to fix things purely because he's a man, if he doesn't want to fix them. However same goes for him, he shouldn't expect you to fix things if you don't want to fix them...

[seesaw]

So, another option is to tell him that you will fix x, y, and z, and he is responsible for abc and if he doesn't hold up his half of the tasks, you will call a repairman to do it and he can foot the bill.

I don't think this is about men fixing things. I think this is about him not handling things. Whether or not he actually does the work or gets it taken care of doesn't matter, he needs to handle some of the home issues and not expect you to deal with everything.

You know, I'm a terrible housekeeper. If I move in with someone, they're going to have to handle that I use a cleaning service. There's a certain amount of chores I can handle, and then I have my friends at the cleaning service who come in and help me out. But the thing is, at least I get it done. One way or another. I have to ask for help, but I get it done. If he needs help, that's fine, but he needs to get things done.

Seesaw

[eskielover]

You are angry sbout it yet you keep in fixing the things? If you couldn't fix these things, who would? There is a fine line between couldn't & wouldn't. Maybe it's a choice you could make to make your point.

At the end of my marriage (that was the last 13 years if it) I went on strike & did nothing in the house because of his attitude. I didn't mind doing things until the attitude showed up then it was WAR. That IS NOT a relationship. You honestly would be better off back alone than in this kind of situation which will only grow worse not better.

I didnt know what my H ciuld or couldn't do wjen I got married though I laid down the ground rules hoping I would scare him off. He was top ASD to understand what I really meant by what I was saying but didn't know it at the time & we had been living with parents before we got married.

Now I know what guys are capable of doing because it comes up in our conversations. Living alone I am my plumber, mechanic, techie, & repair worker for anything I can handle & hire done what I cant do myself but that brings up abilities into all my conversations so I pretty much know everyone's abiluties that I have social contact with.

Know I would be VERY UNHAPPY in a situation like this.

[Open Eyes]

This man you are now living with is showing you that in his experience his mother fixed everything "for" him and he just assumes that "you" will be that way too. He has developed into a person that just expects this and does not give it another thought.

If you teach a human being to "expect" things to happen a certain way, they will "expect" things to happen a certain way. There is a term for this pattern, "entitled". Even animals will learn to "expect" things too. I noticed that when I had my ponies on the cross ties so I could groom them and saddle them up, they began getting carrots fed to them and it got to the point where they would not stand still and behave and constantly expected to get carrots. They even began nipping and pawing their feet with insistence to get carrots. Because they noticed that carrots were often kept in pockets they began to reach out and nip at my pockets while I was leading them too. That is when I stopped allowing them to be fed carrots and treats because they were getting way too entitled and rude.

[eskielover]

Just had another thought. We as women want to be thought of as JUST AS CAPABLE as men. That sometimes gets us into positions like this. On one hand we are proving our abilities but on the other some men take advantage of our abilities. Just like men use selective hearing, maybe we need to use selective abilities (knowing full well we CAN do it but chose not to.)

[Rose76]

I am with a guy who is was never too handy when it comes to fixing stuff. I grew up with a father who was a jack of all trades. It's quite a contrast. I remind myself that I was looking for a man who wouldn't be too much like my father, and I sure got that. My father was the "take charge" type, but could be domineering. My guy is not domineering at all, but sometimes a bit too passive. I figured out that, in life, everything's a trade-off.

I am the "Ms. Fix It" in my home. If my guy tries, there is a good chance he'll just screw it up more. I accept that he cannot change. I remind myself that he always loved to cook for me. So you might ask yourself if your guy has compensating qualities.

If this is basically laziness and just not wanting to be bothered doing anything, then that's unfair and is going to make you chronically unhappy. Maybe you could just let some things go unfixed, and see if that motivates him to make an effort.

I guess there is no really knowing someone until you have lived with them for a bit.

[hvert]

It's really not about his skill level at fixing stuff - it's about his unwillingness to take responsibility for basic things that come up in the course of daily living. It doesn't take skill to call someone to pick up an old mattress, right? I'd be furious about this also. It's good you are recognizing it now before it goes on for six months and you are stuck in a pattern where you do everything.

Does he take responsibility for any aspect of your shared life? Bills, cleaning, food prep, cars, pets, etc? Is there anything that's his task?

Every time I reread the comment about you calling up the trash people because you're female, I cringe. I'd be very tempted to tell him to go back to his old place since he still has it!

[eskielover]

I used to get so angry at my H when I would give him tje task of calling usually regarding a mess he had already made but sometimes because I was up to my eyeballs in an engineering project t work & just needed him to take care of it. He jyst coyld not make phone calls. I had remembered when it used to stress me & just practice & doing it made it easy for me. I would get so angry when he wouldn't call or mess things up worse when he did call. I had no idea that I was dealing with a H who had undiagnosed ASD & communicating was next to impossible for him. I saw it but could never correlate in those days how someone with a very high IQ & who was also a computer design engineer like me coukdn't do the simplest communications let alone on the phone. It was something he NEVER could do & after I left him, he has pretty much destroyed his own life because of this inability....big things like communicating with the IRS & the foreclosure company. In many ways it is very sad when anyone is incapable of taking care of everything in life because when we get sick or unable to handle the things we need a partner who is just as capable as ourselves to handle live needs & fixes.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Moreta

Not all men know how to fix things or know how to follow a sheet of directions on how to do it. I just know how to fix things cause I spent most of my time growing up fixing things with my dad and working in production type settings building lab equipment the first 3 years I worked. My husband spent his time playing video games and working in retail. Does your bf have ADD/ADHD by any chance?

Honestly, I think he's got high functioning autism. I'm not just throwing that label out there either ....

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My brother doesn’t fix things. He isn’t the type. What he does is hires people to fix it. One of my nephews is very handy but the other one also just hires people to do it. My husband can fix some things, what he can’t fix he’d look for someone to fix. I could fix some things but not all. What bothers me here is that your guy isn’t even being a team player and jusf tells you to do things. I am not a princess who wants man to do things but I believe in being team players and both taking responsibilities

I'm all for hiring people if that's the case ... but I really really would like him to be more proactive in these situations. Simply picking up the phone and ringing company xyzzy and asking them to come over and fix something; just should not be that complicated.

100% agree with you about being a team.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't think this is about men fixing things. I think this is about him not handling things. Whether or not he actually does the work or gets it taken care of doesn't matter, he needs to handle some of the home issues and not expect you to deal with everything.

That's exactly the problem here ... he's not getting involved in any of the maintenance - and perhaps then it's not about him physically fixing things - it's just about him getting involved; even if it's just making a phone call to get someone out to repair it