Wanting to "put myself out there" a little

I'm thinking out loud here, but feel free to respond.

I need to put this out somewhere. *Sometimes*...I get so lonely and wanting sex at the same time. Its like physically painful. I'm also sick of thinking about jerk guys from my past, when I think about sex. Last year around the end of November, I decided not to date for a year. There were a few reasons why. Mainly because it was bringing me pain. But not being with someone also brings me pain.

I deserve to be happy and be in a relationship. I need to honor the balance of my feelings too: 1.) I want sex and closeness 2.) I don't want to give any kind of jerk the time of day. They do not get my attention. Not even in online messages.

I *am* wondering if there's a right and wrong reason to date. I was wondering. Now though...I think.....being lonely, horny, and just wanting to be with someone because its a natural thing, makes sense to want to date.

By dating, I mean online. I mean putting my profiles back up on the free sites. I can't afford the good sites. I KNOW that this may not be a good idea, and that it will stress me out more. Maybe I SHOULD pay for a good site. Like Eharmony, or match. I lean towards Eharmony. I don't want to do this impulsively. I will think about this. Maybe I'll ask my parents for money. I'm looking for a job, and planning career-wise for the future. But in the meantime, they help me out. I also get very small disability payment.

Edit: I just thought of something. What if I rewarded myself for getting a job by then going on Eharmony?
In the meantime, I could find ways to soothe myself from these really uncomfortable feelings. I really do think DBT could help me. I could make a list of things that soothe me, and then do them at times I feel like this.

I feel like trying DBT/therapy first would be better: if you rush things out, you risk of falling in the same pattern as before, and meeting other jerks. Just a thought..

Thanks for your input, Mickey.

I’d do DBT and get a part time job. Having part time job and disability payment will put you in a much better place in life and will increase your chances. Honestly eharmony is expensive, I wouldn’t pay for it if I didn’t have a job.

Thanks for the suggestion.

I put my my profile back up on OkCupid. It's not ideal. I don't care.

I don't see why I can't work on myself, and reflect on myself and others, while putting myself out there a little.

I found it helpful to make a red flag list. If you think about your past experiences with jerky people, you might notice some patterns or common traits that you can write down. Before and after a date, you could go through your list to make sure the person doesn't tick any of those boxes.

Good for you! Yes, you can certainly do both. I agree with one of the poster's who said perhaps spring for eharmony when you get a job.

Hvert, I love your idea.

Thanks Eve. And yeah, I cannot spring for Eharmony right now. I don't know when I will get a job, and I don't think it's a problem to put myself out there a little before that. At first, when I wrote this, I felt really wary of the free sites. They are weird. But I feel good not putting so much effort into it, and at the same time, putting myself out there a little, with good pictures and profile.

OK Cupid is annoying, I have 14 likes and no idea who any of the are

Carmina, you gotta sign up for the OkC premium membership! Lol, not that I'm gonna do that.

I know - tried it once but too expensive and I think they still seem to limit who you see

The new message rules make it much harder as you can't even message someone now you like, they have to like you back first but how would they know? It's really dumb.

Anyway fact is I find it hard to feel that motivated, I check in occasionally but not often. When I do get a message I'm scared about answering and not even sure if I would be suitable for someone to love me because no one ever has really apart from my daughter. Women don't want guys with 'baggage' or who have low confidence and I don't really blame them, I probably wouldn't want me either.

I LOVE the new rule. I think OkC is doing a lot better in finding ways to protect women. I think for me, it makes it more interactive, too. It makes me actually go on there, and "like" someone and in order to do that I have to look at their profile and see if I actually like it.

Sorry OkC is a bummer for you. I don't think every woman doesn't want a man with low confidence and baggage. For instance, that is not a deal breaker for me. What is a deal breaker is continuous emotional immaturity, someone I don't click with, boundary violations, and someone who doesn't want to grow within the relationship. thats a lot different from baggage, which EVERYONE has.