Help needed ASAP, is he plotting against me??

Hello everyone, apologies in advance for what may turn out to be over thinking in the extreme but I only just had therapy and now have to wait a while before the next session

Alright, so there were plans in place to finally go on a date with a man I've been messaging next week BUT tonight there have been some gigantic red flags and now I'm really worried. I'm 20 still living at home with my family - I tell him this and he (soon to be 27) suggests I introduce him to my parents (too soon?) ater I told him I can't spontaneously meet him at 9:30pm. He says this would be a good way of proving to them and me that he can protect me/won't hurt me... what would you make of this??

I tell him about my anxieties surrounding gay bashing - a rising problem in the gay community - and he tells me a story of how he was raped by a gang of men he met from the app we're using who attempted to kidnap and kill him but he thankfully got away. He says this all happened in a popular park here in my town; he went to the police but nothing has ever been reported in the press.

I'm not sure if I don't believe him but I can't help but feel this is too coincidental... all of my anxieties surrounding him turn out to have happened to him??? I feel like he may have made the story up to earn my trust/show how he isn't capable of hurting anyone because he himself is a survivor. This, in his mind, could be used to lure me in so he can hurt me (or so I'm thinking).

What do you think?? Am I being really paranoid or is this something to worry about?? If you made it this far, thanks, really appreciate it as I know this is a long post

Do not meet him. Something isn't right.

You just don’t know him yet. He’s a stranger you picked up on the internet and you are right to worry about what might harm you. Why don’t you first meet him at a public place for a drink or meal?

This isn’t a date to just have sex, is it?

Meet in a public place. Get to know him more first. Your safety is crucial.

You're absolutely right, he's a stranger just like all the other men on the app - I'm hoping this is my paranoia causing me to over think. It's not unusual for me to get paranoid before a date as I'm literally meeting a complete stranger, it's very much fear of the unknown

And no, I'm definitely not meeting him to have sex. We've already gone through potential places to meet for a date, all public, which is why I'm here asking for help because I can recognise the irrationality. Why would he assault me in a public place?? But then he says he was assaulted in a public place so I'm totally confused

It's irritating because we've been getting along perfectly and I do wanna meet him assuming he has good intentions and that I'm just paranoid.

Hello!! If this date happens, it would definitely be in a public place -- what's scaring me is that he says he was brutally assaulted in a park at 3am (not exactly public at that time) so does this suggests anyone could be assaulted in public??

I've gotten to know him fairly well, we're both looking for the same things (assuming he's telling the truth) and he comes across as harmless BUT I have no idea what's happened. Could I be seeing things that aren't there??

The big problem here really is that part of my mind os telling me that he might be a straight man posing As a gay man and trying to earn my trust to lure me in so he can attack me

That's what I was thinking.. but my instincts can be a little off at times, what about what He's said doesn't feel right to you also, exactly?? I would really appreciate other perspectives

So many red flags... He made himself available too soon; he shared way too much too soon... do not meet him.
I don’t think he is posing as a gay man nor he has any plans to attack or hurt you. I think this rat smells a bit different. Something isn’t right and I don’t know what it is but I also wouldn’t recommend that you take the risk to find out.
Although you seem to be open to having a date with him, so....in that case here is an idea: can you make sure that at least two of your trusted friends know about the date/time of this date? If something happens and if they don’t hear from you at a time that was previously agreed upon they can call or take action?

Hmm...I really don't know if you are seeing things that aren't there or not. Is that part of your disorder? I feel like from what you wrote, I really couldn't say if he was lying or not. It does kind of sound..dramatic, what he said. Just go with your intuition.

I definitely read too much into certain things like this scenario for instance. I'm hoping this is the case and that the guy isn't really doing anything wrong but I'm just over thinking everything....

exactly, it is too dramatic for it not to have been in the local press. what would you take away from a man telling you this??

When your gut says NONONO listen to it.

You only know what he has told you...

If you do meet do it in a very public place. But I’d pass on this one.

To me it seems kind of suspicious that if he were raped and nearly killed by people using the same app that you are using, that he would continue using it. Wouldn't you think that would really scare a person off of using that means of meeting people? That is a horrible thing to lie about too...if he is. I think that you have to trust your gut on this one. There will be other guys who don't set off red flags.

Ohhh, what do you think his intentions might be?? So you doubt he has plans to hurt me but there's something else he might be thinking?? And i will definitely be letting people know where I am and who I'm with at what times. I'm just worried he'll not mind attacking someone in public but tbh that probably is just irrational anxiety

Trust your gut. Yes there is risk everywhere even in daylight/public, especially if you belong to a minority group,but please do not let fear spiral out of control. Trusting your instincts and acting accordingly will help you with that. Are you working with a therapist?

Why would you personally pass on this one?? Same reasons I mentioned or is there another reason? The thing is, my gut tells me not to meet most people who wanna go on a date. So it's hard to tell the difference between logical reasoning and over thinking

Hi there, you make great points yes, I'm working with a therapist and she strongly encourages that I meet anyone through this app in a public place and not somewhere quiet/isolated.

There is a risk in daylight, you're absolutely right but I would like to think that it's unlikeky/a rarity. Do you think, so long as we meet in public, there is less of a risk he'll try to kidnap/attack me????

My gut is giving me mixed signals. He's a friendly guy who isn't pushy, lives nearby, wants to meet me and is easy to talk to but I'm thinking also about the what iffs

That's exactly right. I was trying to be subtle, questioning details and he told me it would be bad of him to lie which suggests he picked up on my questioning as doubts.

When he said he would never hurt me and would protect me, I asked him how could he prove it -- that's when he told me the story which is why I'm thinking it was thought up to earn my trust BUT I could be thinking too much into it

I would really appreciate knowing how others would approach this??

I hadn't thought of this but it IS strange that he said he went through all that horrific stuff, and is still on the dating site that brought it about.

EclairParty, you seem torn, but I'm with you on asking the people here *why* they are saying no. I hope some of them answer for you.

Thanks for clearing up your thought process. It sounds like you deal with a lot of anxiety about stuff like this regardless of whether or not its true, which makes you wonder if it's your intuition or just anxiety. I'm not sure either.

I do think it is strange what he said though, now, after reading the response I quoted here. And yeah, shoulda been in the news. Perhaps he is just a liar. You don't know. None of us know his motives. All we know is this: you two like each other, he's moving faster than you are comfortable with, you have anxiety about a man pretending to be gay in order to hurt, kidnap, or kill you, and this guy set off red flags by the story he told you that seems like a lie.

You can wait until you meet someone who makes you feel more comfortable and safe, and does not raise red flags. Or you can get to know this guy more, and meet in public. But it really sounds like...you are not comfortable, and you have reason not to be (he is moving too fast, and making you uncomfortable, and possibly lying, plus you have anxiety). No one can make your decision for you though!

Perhaps take some time off from thinking about this a little. Sometimes that's when our minds get clearer.

I have absolutely no idea what his intentions may be. No one can make a guess on that and that is not even relevant.
My point is that there are so many red flags with this dude. As i said, he shared too much too soon. Too intense... these are red flags...
He sounds like a con artist or an emotional chaos who would ruin your life.

Everyone new you meet is a stranger until you get to know them (unless you were introduced). Before any date, you ask questions figuring out basically what kind of person they are and decide if they are safe enough to meet.

Now you are hesitating at this point. So, I would suggest you don’t meet for a date yet, but continue the talking, questioning stage to see if you become confident in him or not.

From what you said, I don’t see any particular red flags. Maybe the poor guy really was attacked in the park. Is there a way for you to confirm that by checking the police records? Maybe Google his name and see what comes up.

There is too much anxiety and questions around personal safety with this person. I agree with the other posters -- IF he was attacked, why would he continue to use the same APP to meet people? And he IS rushing things by asking to meet your parents. Promising not to hurt you raises a flag for me too.

I wouldn't meet him with this many questions and with this amount of uncertainty. It all seems off and likely that he lied.

Use a different dating site!

If you want to verify his report to the police, talk to the police. I think reports are open to oublic viewing or at least a verification that one was filed. That could help yiu know if he is lying or not.

Honestly I would seriously back out of the meeting. Smooth talkers are like red flags....warm up to you right off the bat & meet the parents....something wrong wirh this picture

Something is off about the whole thing. I’d stay away.