My boyfriend can't cope with my sexual past. Circle of insecurity

I am not saying that he is calling me a slut on a daily basis, nor that he will always look at me This way. This is about how he looks at my past.

Is he treating me badly? I feel that I am doing a lot of mistakes. He is very direct about what he wants and I feel like an idiot, because he just wants me to go all in...

Sounds like he’s asserting insincere dominance in your relationship, which means he’s disregarding your feelings. Is that what you want?

Is he disregarding my feelings? All our conflicts burn down to the same: He wants me to include him more on my life, to be asked for his opinion, to have me show interest on how he is doing no matter how we were fighting, to spent more time.
I feel exhausted in some way and at the same Tim like a donkey following a moving carrot. This relationship that we want... It seems so close... If only I could stop doing mistakes...

And sometimes I just feel lost. An old friend of mine is getting married. I was so excited when I got the invitation I wrote on a chat that I am looking forward to come. But I was a little sad, because the invitation did not even mention my boyfriend. Although she had mentioned before that he would be invited.
I would not have asked. But my friend wrote via chat Tha my boyfriend is welcome. But that she dud not put him on the invitation because she has not yet met him.
He doesn't feel invited. He is unwilling to come along. He says that he really sorry because he would like to join me but that he does not want to invite himself.
I told him that I feel uncomfortable and incomplete going to a wedding without him. He won't believe that because I accepted the invitation before I talked to him about it.

It's simple. He is a hypocrite. He is so focused on finding fault with you now (and in turn, triggering your own neurotic "guilt") because he has focused so much on your past.

And you mentioned fantasies. What, he was fantasizing about you with other men? If so, that is the source of it, right there. He found out how many you were with and can't cope with his own guilty conscience.

Him wanting to be involved in all aspects of your life like that isn't enduring, it's a form of control.

This is what I mean. It may be warranted. It may not be. Same thing with the reasoning 'He called you a slut, you have to leave him, no matter what'-line.

Still, I do agree that this doesn't sound like a very good relationship. It is not like he is calmly explaining to you his very real but self-admitted faulty feelings. It is not like he is telling you he thinks he has these feelings that are unfair to you. It is not like he admits he feels your past reflects a 'slutty past version of yourself' he has trouble with accepting.

If he brings this up whenever you have a disagreement, if he blames you for his weaknesses. If he truly insults you and acts hypocritically, not concerned for your feelings in all this, then he is being wrong, clearly.

Well at the end of the day this is unhealthy bad relationship and he is a bad partner. If you are enjoying this relationship, then who are we to tell you to leave him.

Oh yeah I agree he certainly sexually fantasizes about you with these men, otherwise he’d never want to know the details. But again if you are happy in this horrid mess then what can I say.

He certainly sexually fantasizes with these men? You mean his sexual fantasy is somehow a threesome or he envisions himself to be one of those other men?

That is strange. Either strange period, or strange to think he is fantasizing about that. Where did that come from?

OP mentioned it. Don’t recall exactly where. Something about him having fantasies. Why is it strange though? It’s not that uncommon for people to pressure for details about their partners’ sexual past and then fantasize about it later. I personally am not into it, that but many people are. Why do you find it strange?

This is where:

He felt it was safe to fantasize about her with another man, figuring she was with one or two others. When he found out it was ten, his pride was hurt, and he was still aroused by it, but now it wasn't what he wanted, or the reality of it caught up with him. Either way, he blames her for it, feels emasculated (most likely) and found that he can relieve that feeling by belittling her and controlling every aspect of his life. So it's not that she's a slut. It's that she's his slut, and his ridiculous delusions are fed by a crack-pot therapist who is violating her own code of ethics as a therapist by coming between them and telling him he will never feel better until he gets rid of her.

That is what I see.

We don’t know if therapist actually said any of it or it’s just another manipulation

Right, so the sexual fantasy thing suddenly was made up.

I can’t imagine someone keeping lists of what I say to try to catch me in a lie. How awful for you.

This is a terrible relationship. This man is an abuser.

It sounds like he’s insecure with his masculinity. Why didn’t he just marry a virgin, if that’s what was so important to his values? Why fall in love with a ‘slut’ only to shame her? Then he wants to hear the details of your sex acts? He has a battle raging within him between his idea of good and evil.

What is it about him that you are so taken with? What makes him so great?

I never admitted to my husband the true number I had of former lovers. I stopped counting...

Right. Nor would a good husband care because of who you have always been with him.

I have a friend who has a gf who admitted she was a bit of a passionate young woman in her day and he never once asked her the number because he told me, who am I? He said he did some pretty wild stuff himself, and that struck me as a very wise insight.

We had the disclose conversation shortly into the relationship somewhere along the way. It was probably me that brought it up, asking him, in my immaturity. He said he had a few. Then I said I had more than Princess Diana and less than Madonna.

I really don’t see that total transparency about that information is ever a good idea. I’m sorry I ever did tell him as much as I did about my past. But, maybe I started revealing that when we started having sexual/intimacy issues and I was searching, sabotaging because I really have a disorder...

I don't think he was ever having fantasties about it in any way other than being horrified.
Sorry my English is ok, I guess, but far from native speaker level. Fantasy is probably the wrong word. He was disgusted from the very beginning.

@Tushabuv:
What has taken me with him? We used to have these deep conversations. He is a very kind person and he really does put the relationship first. He is multitalented, a musician, a filmmaker, a nature lover.
I regret so much about my past. Not only how I went about sex. He is so much more mature. He showed me a lot of important things. Like the value of family. I wish I was more like him. I aspire to... And I was with so many men who only wanted me a little but not for real. I thought this was different. I ruined it...

We just had a fight about the threesome again. Or about the part where I had sex with a woman. He wanted me to explain. He is always expecting some kind of mature explanation that I can't provide

He said he is exhausted and miserable because of our relationship. Basically he called it off. I started to get my things. We were both crying and really upset. He says he didn't cry in years.
We ve been at this point so often. But this time was different.
He started to hug me and touch. In the end we had sex. Afterwards he said he was sorry about it.
He said he doesn't want to live anymore...
I don't know. I wish I had gone...
Sometimes he says that there would be no point in returning to someone who has a past like mine. Today he said maybe after some time we might find back together.
I guess I will have to accept. He doesn't want to break up. But it is torture to him. I can't make things better for him. I feel so sick.
And bad because I stayed.

My husband never asked about number of my partners. Who cares. I was single between two marriages so of course I dated a ton and had sex. He knows that. We are older and it’s second marriage for both plus dating in between so clearly we aren’t virgins. We don’t care what we did before we met each other. We only care about now.

You are right. I thought that I would not have to mention the number. But the way things did develops... I don't know. I can't change it now. I wish I had been the one to bring it up, in a way that would not have made it necessary to ask for the number.

In your next relationship (and you know this one will not end with “happily ever after” so there will be others) I don’t think you need to share a very little detail. Threesomes or what not. Why does he need to know? Or anyone?

Before you met your bf, and he said your having several partners was so bad, Did you feel so remorseful about the sex you had?

I don’t feel remorseful about the sex I had at all. I liked it. I feel no shame in being a sexual woman and would never let anyone try to make me feel ashamed— especially someone who is having sex with me!

I don’t think this whole thing with your bf is even about you having sex. First of all, where’s the harm in what you did? You don’t have an STD and your parts are all still perfect. I think this guy is an abuser and right now the sore spot is slut shaming you, next it’ll be something else, soon he’ll be beating you.

I don’t like what you said just happened with this scene of sex and he wants to die. He’s a drama queen!

I don't think I want to think about any relationship. When we fell in love I was at a point where I wanted a break from men. Now I feel like I don't want a break. I just want to be by myself for real.
You are right. There is no point in discussing details.

Before we fell for each other I was sick of how I went after men who didn't want me for real. I did not enjoy being a sexual women. After I met my boyfriend I just regret that I shared intimacies with so many people.

It was a lottery that I didn't infect myself with a STD. And he is rightly blaming me for risking it and risking to infect others, not only him

You accept being treated so poorly, please .... I would advise you not to have children with him. Do you really want to be tied down to this horrible demeaning drama queen man. Wait no boy ... he is a boy and is just being a bully to you because YOU allow it.

May I ask where you are from ? I use Tapatalk so I can’t see that.

If you think what he is doing is right, then what is the point of this thread? You cannot change the past. He won't accept you because of that. Do you want to change him?

Ok, you have low self esteem. You sold yourself short in the past. You were putting out your body in hopes you’d win love, but just felt used.

It’s too bad this bf isn’t a healthy relationship. It would have been nice for you to have secured a real, loving one.

But this guy’s sick. His attitude, even about the STD blaming is so abusive. He seems good to you because he cares and wants commitment with you, but he’s a worse trap than your past friends with benefits.

IMHO ten partners at age 29 is not so many people. And one partner is all it takes to get an STD.

It was when AIDS came to be that me and my whole generation ended the party and instantly got married. I was terrified for the next ten years because they said it could lie dormant in you for ten years.