How to deal with silent treatment?

I came on here because my brief, months-long relationship with a man I've been friends with for almost a decade and a half just ended last night in a very painful way and I wanted to post about it. But reading this post, I see so much of him in whom the OP describes that it helps me to heal just a little, and to understand that, while I have a lot of issues in relationships, it was probably impossible for me to try and improve on these with someone like him.

I knew he was stubborn, and I reasoned that, as he relaxed his stubbornness when we started seeing one another, the communication would begin to flow more easily as he worked on this. He's had a lot of hurt in relationships, I reasoned.

Then he began to ignore me in the middle of more "elevated" text discussions. Like, we'd be talking about something which might be uncomfortable or which he deemed irritating, or which was important and emotional to me but which he felt was a total waste of time, and he'd just stop replying, leaving me to feel increasingly hurt and ultimately abandoned, which is something he knew I struggled with.

This was a pretty regular cycle for us, where my requests for communication or clarification on something would be met with stonewalling because he felt I was pushing or was trying to cut in on something more important. I should mention here that we were in a long distance relationship, and text was our main form of communication. Besides calling, of course.

The thing OP said which reminded me of J was that her boyfriend thought she had to deal with the consequences of her behavior. I had something similar, when J and I got into an argument during a particularly rough evening for me, mentally (I had been spiraling all day), and we each said some hurtful things. I apologized and said I wasn't doing well at all, and just really needed to talk to a friend at that time. He said, "No. You've lost your privilege." His behavior toward me up to that point wasn't appropriate but I rationalized it because my behavior was poor, just as he tended to point out. But that statement stunned me. I mean, expecting your guy to be there when you're breaking down, to me, isn't a privilege.

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said in this thread already. And I wasn't with J for as long, though being totally deleted from the life of a friend you've known for 13 years after the end of a weekend visit (I'd mentioned that i felt we weren't fundamentally compatible as a couple, fighting and making up ensued, Sunday night was bad, he refused to end things on a good note for the sake of the friendship, and suddenly it's like he never existed) is pretty devastating. I was in the place last night and this morning where I thought I wasn't going to be able to survive. Now I feel that, while I placed a lot of hope in this relationship, I probably dodged a bullet as far as he's concerned. I'm really sad that he chose the out he did, and it's hard not to beat myself up since I made a lot of poor choices over the weekend (and the relationship as a whole). But the way he chose to end it, the way he spoke to me, the way he made me feel worthless is ultimately about him, not about me. He liked to talk about my crazy and how I deserved his behavior in retaliation for my poor behavior. But no one deserves to be mistreated.

Even if he says he just needs time to heal or whatever, trust me that this is a cycle which will only continue, and it will continue to make you feel more and more like you can't survive if he leaves, because you're so busy making sure he doesn't that you lose yourself in the process. Trust me; I am in that right now.

J knew that I couldn't handle him leaving without some closure; I said in the beginning that the one thing I needed was for him to not disappear, because I have pretty significant abandonment issues from childhood. And that is exactly what he did. Realizing that he did this helps me to understand that this wasn't about what was best for us or the relationship, it was about him being hurt and needing to maintain his sense of control and power in his life and in the relationship I'd just basically said I was leaving.

You will be okay; and you totally deserve better.

Thanks. Trauma bond. I googled it. And I feel this could be what happened here.
There has been situations, much shorter, before in this relationship that made me very afraid to be abandoned, but so short that we just could talk about it and I could say that this behaviour hurt me, and I was a bit angry as well, but the result was he understood finally (he said) and promised not to do so again. But something else then caused similar behaviour.

Well I know I am not stupid and normally I would have seen this patterns if they came quickly. But you know, the saying about the boiling frog? if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out instantly. But if you slowly heat up the water, it will feel comfortable and not notice the heat until it is too late.
I dont know, maybe that is a stupid story.

Fact is - my closest ones say that he is manipulating, being mean, controlling and they can not understand why I still cares about him and longs for him. It is like when I have not thought about the bad things for a while my body and mind goes into another mode and make me feel like a half person.I really thought he was the one. Someone like me. I cant find joy in anything right now.

I am forcing myself not to contact him.
But it is more than silent treatment now, I Think he left because he was sick of being worried and anxious and fighting with me over it. He just does not dare or care to actual break up.
My last text was are our realationship over? You need to tell me, we need to decide, are we over - yes or no or maybe.
Well no answer. And yes this was a stupid needy text from me when I my feelings were all over the Place.

The thing is we had a magic relation first and in between. Never were so Close to someone before. The only person I could like cry to beatiful Music with, go on the roof and look at the stars at night, our kids liked each other, we planned to live together and we said love and care was more important than Money, he never judged anyone for being different, he was wise and read a lot about relationships and for him Close intimacy, hugs, laughter, trust, family were very important. Like a Dream person.

When he Went suspicious of my behaviours I thought maybe he had a Point but I explained what it really was about and thought he was too worried but I will meet this worrying with openess. Sometimes I got angry when he made me feel bad and it felt wrong. He was a man that was very very emotional and because of his stress illness he struggled to keep his everyday Life togheter, to have energy to Clean, take care of kids, recently divorced, so I tended to forgive a lot of things and wanted to "save him" -- well.

Anyway, now I can read our messaging and see the guilt he put on me, and the not normal jeaousy sometimes, or the victim attitude when I could work, travel, have work dinners and so on, and he was alone home. The only times he travelled was with me at my expense. Oh forgive me I just talk to much here, but I can see things that Went bad and then I feel OK, I better stay away, this was a toxic relation. But it is so hard to accept that this person, that I Think is a good person otherwise, how he could go from my soul mate to someone that hurts me so so bad. Its like I must misunderstand , it can not be true. He would never,... if he did not actually Think I have been cheating lying?
But the truth is he let me down in my grief and now just discard me without explaining, besides "I dont feel good, I can not see you now, but it is because what you have done to me" .

So one day at a time.
Someday it will feel better.

Oh yes I hear you have been i a similar situation.
Is it normal to act as you are a kid, to punish or be parenting, you made a mistake and must take the consequences, here is the punishment. I do this to you because you did this to me. Learn from it ?
I dont Think so anyway.

And I also was clear about please dont break Contact-
And he was also very very concerned - said to me- that I would promise him to never cut Communication where ever I were or how angry I were . Dont make him panic. And still he did that to me.

I just cant understand.

I also wrote, I will accept if you feel we can not have a relationship because of all fighting and what ever, but you need to say that. you can text me if you cant see me. when you cut Communication I can only see the signs that you want to break up, but please, after all this time you need to tell me. dont disappear.
Because I could not bring myself to break up...
but he does not answer, only the things before about him feeling to weak and bad to be able to see me.

Well, some Days we will feel stronger and some Days the World is crashing. My sense and reasoning says one thing but my heart can not feel it yet.

Good luck to you... take care, be strong - you will find the true love in Another Place.

Heh, yep. That sounds so similar to what I said to him. I had so many times where I said “After all these years, are you just going to ignore me like I don’t exist?” And, at the end, “I want this to end too, but after all these years as friends, can we not end this better?” It was, at first nastiness, then ignoring. And now I don’t exist because he’s cut me out of his life completely, blocked and deleted me from everything including an online game we used to play together. It just amazes me how thorough he was.

This man is 46, by the way. I’m not quite 40.

I’m not sure the fact that he’s gone hurts, especially knowing who he turned into (except I miss certain little things). I think what hurts is that I let him manipulate my emotions during the relationship, and I even rationalized it to my T as well as myself. I also find things in the aftermath which tell me this man was never going to show me all of himself. But I was pretty much an open book with him.

Hmm. I recognise that too. I felt I told hím Everything, even some things about my Close ones (well not sensitive things) and he said I was secret. Especially he said I was secret about my work and I tried to involve him but I Think he just wanted to know what men I was talking to and had meetings and lunches with.
And I Think he was secret. I told him my plans long ahead, but his was told the day Before. I was open with my phone, who wrote on Messenger and what, who messed, what was I surfing on. My photos. He was very sensitive about his phone and kind of held the phone so I would not see, and only showed a few photos. I said I talked to Mary today, for example, he said I talked to a friend.
He met my friends, but was not keen on letting me see his friends. Why are you so obsessive with that he asked. I have not met all yours and noone at your work Place.
Well ha ha some things come back now. Isnt that strange. And he says I am secret and that was one of the things he worried about.

And we were friends first. He was so important to me and he said the same to me. How I can go a day without texting About special things I see or do or hear. That new song. That strange person in the store. It is so empty, I feel so lost and empty. I have probably not accepted this yet.

Yep. This also sounds very familiar.

I am 100% sure he was not seeing anyone else, but he still kept me off of his social media. We were on each other's Facebook and Instagram initially, but very early on we had an argument which resulted in me deleting him, and he never added me again because he said he wanted to wait until he felt I could "handle" being on social media with him again. He felt that I had "stalkerish" tendencies because he's the kind of guy who has a lot of female friends (not at all a player, just all talk) and I had questions about some of the women he is friends with on social media; I knew I was being a little too insecure, but he is also not terribly open about this aspect of his life. He was very flirty with me until we started seeing one another, then he was less attentive on social media. I accused him of not wanting the people in his offline life to know about me, and he said well, who do I actually confide in that I would just talk about you naturally? And he said he doesn't just go around talking about his private life. I asked what would happen if I was actually in his town with him longer term (because I was actually in the process of taking a job assignment there) and he said well, then people would know about me because they would see us together. He said I was overthinking it.

Again, I reiterate, I know he wasn't with anyone else, especially after getting to know him more in his hometown setting. I don't need to go into it and explain it, I just know. But he just had a tendency to compartmentalize his life in a way that made it difficult to feel I was really getting to know him, or really being made to be a big part of his life. Even on the last day we were together, just before our huge fight that ended things, he told me some things about his childhood and I said, I never knew this about you. How do you know so much about me, but I feel like there are so many interesting things I don't know about you? He said well, it just never comes up.

He was just totally emotionally unavailable, in the end.