How to deal with silent treatment?

Hi.
My boyfriend (well we are over 40) has cut all contact with me for over a week.

We have been a couple for a few years and had everyday Contact.
He has used the silent treatment or Cold shoulder sometimes when he was angry with me, and cut Contact for a half day or so.

He recenty got OCD problems, but has help in training Groups therapy. The demand to Control things I Think has also had an effect on our relationship in the form of jealousy. (looking for signs, and then gets angry but it is not the true)

This time he wrote to me that I must now take the consequences of my behaviour" (The behaviour was not really bad.) We have also been had lot of fights during these years.

And now he has cut Contact for over a week. He wrote somehting about he did not have the energy to discuss with me, he had to focus on his training. I let him be for a week but I am heartbroken and want to talk to him, I Think he wants to leave me. In that case I will accept but I need to get a closure or final talk, so he can say it out in the air. Or is he just angry and use this as a punishment?

I can hardly Think about something else and misses him so much and at the same time I am so hurt that he reads my messages but does not answer at all. So long time now.
Were supposed to live together, felt he was my soul mate and we have had so great times also. I feel like my Life will be over if he leaves me, but I know it is not true, I know I will heal and possible it is the best for us.

But first thing first.
How do I stop this silent treatment?
I want to know, are we over or not.

Help?

You have wrote how he has a need to be in control. You cannot make him stop the silent treatment--if you look at everything you just wrote--he and only he will decide when that will happen. He has said his training comes before your feelings and you have said his anger is unjust.

You are hooked on him and have said your life will be over without him but it is already subject to his whims (the fights will continue). Is he worth all the fights? The fights will continue unless he is truly sorry--not just saying what he has to in order to get what he wants/be in control....

I wish for you to be well, Morgonstar. Your questions and situation are not "easy, simple" and so on. I say the aforesaid statements not with condescension, not to be cliché, not to be unhelpful and so on.

I empathize with you greatly. I am still recovering from my most recent relationship, which was of manipulation, abuse and more. Moreover, as it turned out, I was the victim. My ex girlfriend employed the "silent treatment" to me amongst other tactics of abuse and manipulation. I state the aforementioned info as an attempt to convey to you that I am just a regular person, who was also part of such abuse (that became trauma for me.) I will attempt to assist you in any capacity that I can in my post(s), but please remember that what I say is a perspective (no matter how well reasoned, insightful and so on it is or is not.)

Please understand that the "silent treatment" is abuse and manipulation. There are no "ifs" and/or "buts." Right now, you are a victim of abuse and manipulation. Please let that sink in.

Consequently, he is attempting to manipulate you (and possibly manipulating you,) whether you are conscious of it or not and/or of consciousness of the effects or not. The effects have the potential to be severe, even if you seemingly are not conscious of how the effects are affecting you. An example is that trauma (and a trauma bond) is a possibility to develop from silent treatment.

An important question is for you to ask yourself if he was manipulative and/or abusive prior to his use of the silent treatment. If so, there is more to your relationship than just the silent treatment, which needs to be addressed. If not, you ought to question to yourself what might cause him to be engaging in such tactics of manipulation and abuse. For example, is he enduring trauma, did he endure trauma earlier in his life and so on? His actions are inexcusable, but that does not entail that they are not explainable and/or something is ailing him and so on. Moreover, your relationship still seems to be a possibility to have.

Also, does he employ the silent treatment with any frequency over a period of time? Is it just lately?

Additionally, you should ask yourself if you both want and ought to be with this person, especially despite such behavior. Please attempt to exercise reason and emotion in your attempts to reply to the aforesaid question. For instance, ask yourself are you in physical, emotional and/or physical danger in staying? Are you ok with someone treating you as he is? Please do not tolerate such abuse and manipulation. If you allow him to treat you as he is, you are accepting his conditions of interaction and communication.

There are multiple options for what you could do. To start, the main two options are for you to continue or to not continue to be with him. From there, you decide if you continue in being with him, despite the silent treatment or not. Please understand that you are in control to not let him dictate to you, whether you explicitly tell and/or show that to him (e.g. tell him to stop, tell him that you will leave him) or not (e.g. just walk away without communication.) You could even counteract his silent treatment with yours, although that might result in unwanted outcomes (even so, any option you choose might result in unwanted outcomes.) (The aforesaid options are just a few and a starting point.)

As much as it may seem like he is in control, it is only the appearance of control to a degree. He is trying to appear as if he has most, if not all control and dictation in communication and interaction. Moreover, you are also in control because you (can) decide what you do (or not do) from here and how you are (are not) from here.

The responsibility rests with you as to what you choose to do (and not do) and how you choose to be (and not be.) Despite anyone else's opinion, the choice is yours.

You state that you love him and more. Thus, you might be conflicted between reason and emotion in your deciding. Please do not underestimate manipulation, abuse and/or their effects.

Again, I empathize with you immensely. It is a situation that should not be overlooked, downplayed, ignored and more.

I think this is more than a silent treatment and it is definitely more than the need to be in control. Just the fact that he thinks he can talk to you as the following: "must now take the consequences of your behaviour" is very disrespectful. This is a red flag that should not be ignored.
Please allow me to ask you. Why do you want to be with someone who is intentionally causing you pain? He knows that you are suffering, yet he is choosing to speak to you in the above manner and continues to ignore you. Is this how your soul mate behaves?
You think that your life will be over if he leaves you and that is probably because he has a very dominant personality and has held the control. I really wish you would want to break free from this.
I am sorry but his behavior (and your acceptance of it) is very concerning.

The silent treatment! One of the most passive aggressive actions that can be directed towards another. It is INHUMANE ! Without being able to talk to each other we reduce ourselves to nothing but an animal. It is the ultimate form of control over the situation and VERY hurtful. Even if you wind up back as a couple, can you ever trust this person again ? Do you really want to be with such an immature and hurtful person ? You deserve better and can and WILL get better. You not only will continue to live but you may thrive without this kind of immaturity in your life. Do you know why most people argue ? It’s because they don’t know how to communicate on an adult level ! It’s like when your a baby and don’t get your way , in some shape or form, you start crying ! Or get angry.
Move on , you will find better.

This is abuse and control. Don't let him decide what is happening in YOUR life. You decide that. He will continue that abusive behavior, until you stop it....by not contacting him. You cannot make him do anything; he is choosing this childish behavior.

When I saw the question:

How to deal with silent treatment?

one of my first thoughts was

End the relationship.

Thanks for being straight forward. Yes I know. If it was not for our history it would be easier, so I tend to forgive his behviour. True that you can't have the fights continuing. Since he get help outside now it could also be that he does not need me anymore, and that feels awful of course. But I will try live my Life by myself (I tried to reach him again and finally he answered,but still said that ocd training did not work after emotionally storms so we could not discuss anything. Well. My feelings are all over the Place and I just need 5 minuits I said but that did not help. So. No. there are no room for my feelings in this relation anymore.

Hi, thank you so much for your long answer.
I am so sorry for your situation too.
I have been Reading a lot of toxic relations now, and some things I can relate to that he does, but it is also very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him??

The thing that caused that angry message about I was about to learn ... was that I did not write to him for a full day and normally we write all the time and I Think it is important that we tell each other we are ok after going away somewhere special or if we spend the night somewhere else. But this day I was on a funeral of a parent and slept over at a relatives house. And I was sad both because of that and also because I did not Think that he supported me in my loss and did not send me any caring messages for my difficult day. The reason was that he was mental ill and that other Close people also needed his support urgently. But I thought he could at least have written to me that day. At least I did not deserve that kind of reply the day after. (He claimed to be worried, that I could have taken my own Life or something, that is extreme, but probably he was afraid that I Went to get Comfort from Another man)

Manipulative behaviour. I am ashamed to say but I am very eager to please-person and have Always been afraid to be anbandoned. He has some bad experience of being betrayed. I hurt him once. No cheating or flirting but I did a mistake and all his worrying that I call jealousy has been justified from him due to my early behaviours. but from other peoples perspectiuve it was not a big thing at all.

So i hoped that he would overcome this. But i actuallu dont think that was the main reason. I Think he had to have that tendency Before, because some of the things were really extreme.
But perhaps when he studied me and told me he saw me in Another way than I see myself, I started to avoid doing some things, and I felt bad when I did fun things without him while he sat home afraid about what I could do - yes that made me uncomfortable and wanted to avoid those sitations.Hm yes he did wanted to know my doings and if I did not tell Everything or forgot something he was not angry but not satisfied and that came out in some of the texts later.

I Think he has very very strong feelings inside, more than normal, and keeping them inside and worries. letting them out days or weeks later, that makes him feel bad. And me too.

But I have also wanted to help him too much, asked him every day if he was ok, and so on, and got worried if he did not reply for a half day, so I suppose I did aslo act controlling.

but he says I dont Always tell the truth, that I dont Think of his feelings when he is not there, that i am secret about my work , that I tries to make him do things else I put him on guilt trips.
so I feel like I have done wrong to him.
But he blames me partly for being sick now.
and that could be the reason to his withdrawal-
And I feel awful for that.
Really.
But inside I also feels hurt and unfairly judged. I am not that kind of person.

Anyway I Went over to him tonight to talk - but he did not open. Wrote that he slept bad and that he could not have emotionally disucssions now because he had ocd training planned for next morning. I wrote that I was unhappy and so on because he did not want to tell me anything why he broke Contact. I have also wrote that if he want to break up he must at least say it to me, but no discussions needed, 5 minutes is ok .

But he does not answer.
I dont know. Is he really feeling anxious and sick and can not talk to me. Or is this toxic behaviour? At least I feel I am not Worth this treatment. Noone is.
2 weeks now.
If I see him as sick I want to help him. but this silence is torture. I can not mourn the realtionship and I cant go on with my Life. And how can I press a sick person?
So even if he wants to continue, I dont know if I can be or should be with someone that treats me this way?
Even if I have made mistakes a long time ago.
But oh it is like clear now, how could he not support me in my sorrow?

Well I sound like an old song on repeat.
I will sleep on it again.

Thanks so much for taking time to answer.

And yes, do you feel that you ever can trust someone again after this relation?
Is it like you do not know who you are, because you have been played or manipulated for so long time?
How did you manage to find the joy in Life again?

Thank you. Yes I understand that question.
It is because somewhere I feel that he is sick, and that I have caused him to feel bad.
But you are right. My soul mate should not have written that, even it has history behind the feelings.
Amd I did write that it was not OK to write that , especially sinse I just have buried a parent the day Before but he could probably not see his own behaviour, just my "disrespectful" behaviour. Yes I am bit angry now, my Days goes from angry to heartbroken back and forth.

Thanks for pointing that out like the other wise people, the problem is not the silence treatment it is something more.

But I need him to stop this to be able to talk to him even if we break up.

Well spoken. I am not used to arguing and probably has a lot to learn about Communication too. But I agree- it is inhumane.

Wait a minute! Did you just write that your parent recently passed and you had the funeral YET he did this to you during your struggle of losing your parent? If this is the case LEAVE HIM NOW.
IF you do not, I am afraid you will have no right to complain anymore. I am being very blunt with you. If you do not leave him now, you are giving him a big fat ticket to abuse and control you for life.

I would recommend looking up the thrive after abuse website. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. For some it is a deal breaker.

How to deal with this? Dump him and find someone else to date. Life's too short to wait around for an abuser to stop being abusive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 Hi, thank you so much for your long answer. I am so sorry for your situation too. I have been Reading a lot of toxic relations now, and some things I can relate to that he does, but it is also very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him??

I apologize for a lengthy reply. With that said, I tried to directly respond to each of your questions, concerns and main ideas. I am trying to write concisely as I am conscious of not sacrificing content for the sake of length and attempting to write sufficient replies.

There is no need to thank me. As I said, I am just attempting to left support and assist someone else in a heartwrenching situation. Haha, thanks. I appreciate your empathy.

When you ask, "...very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him" are you stating that he claims that you are abusing him? If so, you ought to ask yourself if you are indeed abusing and manipulating him. You might not even be conscious that you are consciously doing so.

If you are not abusing and manipulating him, he is performing another tactic of abuse and manipulation to which you might be aware of called "projection." If he is indeed projecting, that is already another form of abusive and manipulation. In which case, there is probably more to him and your situation than just abusive and manipulation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 The thing that caused that angry message about I was about to learn ... was that I did not write to him for a full day and normally we write all the time and I Think it is important that we tell each other we are ok after going away somewhere special or if we spend the night somewhere else. But this day I was on a funeral of a parent and slept over at a relatives house. And I was sad both because of that and also because I did not Think that he supported me in my loss and did not send me any caring messages for my difficult day. The reason was that he was mental ill and that other Close people also needed his support urgently. But I thought he could at least have written to me that day. At least I did not deserve that kind of reply the day after. (He claimed to be worried, that I could have taken my own Life or something, that is extreme, but probably he was afraid that I Went to get Comfort from Another man)

Ok, so, I immensely apologize for not noting in your initial post that he is indeed engaging in more than one form of abuse and manipulation. When he said that you were to "learn" from what you "did" as he attempted to justify his unjustifiable behavior, he is also attempting to convince you of guilt and blame you (shifting the blame.) Additionally, as other posters indicated, he is being apathetic to your feelings, you, your family, your situation and more.

(I failed to consciously mention the aforesaid statements in my original post because I attempted to respond to you as quickly as possible while trying to address all of your questions, concerns and main ideas and write an ample response.)

Would you be so kind as to verify if your significant other is the one with mental illness when you write, "the reason was that he was mental ill?" If he is mentally ill and you are aware of that he is, you also ought to incorporate his mental illness as a factor in your decision making for your decisions on the topic of being with him or not (and other interconnected topics.)

You should try to find out if his mental illness is temporary (or not,) if it is the source of his abusive and manipulation (or not,) will he not change (or change,) and more questions. Each aforesaid question is (most likely) extremely difficult to figure out, especially for someone such as you, who is on the inside of the relationship and the abuse and manipulation.

With that said, you, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual safety and well being are most important and should never be overlooked, ignored, downplayed, and so on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 Manipulative behaviour. I am ashamed to say but I am very eager to please-person and have Always been afraid to be anbandoned. He has some bad experience of being betrayed. I hurt him once. No cheating or flirting but I did a mistake and all his worrying that I call jealousy has been justified from him due to my early behaviours. but from other peoples perspectiuve it was not a big thing at all. So i hoped that he would overcome this. But i actuallu dont think that was the main reason. I Think he had to have that tendency Before, because some of the things were really extreme.

Please, do not be ashamed. Maybe, consider, addressing your fears of abandonment and why you are eager to please people. The two aforesaid behaviors are traits that you should find out why you are like as you are. Depending upon the circumstances, maybe, try to change from how you are in those areas.

If what you did was indeed a "mistake," a mistake should not disrupt your relationship to a high degree and continue to disrupt it in the present. Mistakes happen. People (try to) learn from them as they go forward in life. As a couple, the two of you should go forward together as you two decide how to do so (e.g. talking through it or some other means) while the mistake stays in the past (as in no harboring grudges and so on.)

Evidently, your significant other allowed your "mistake" to affect him to the point that he was jealous and held both your "mistake" and his jealousy against you. His aforementioned actions are not ok. As a couple, you two should be alright with discussing such concerns (there are multiple approaches in how people resolve differences as you are aware.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 But perhaps when he studied me and told me he saw me in Another way than I see myself, I started to avoid doing some things, and I felt bad when I did fun things without him while he sat home afraid about what I could do - yes that made me uncomfortable and wanted to avoid those sitations.Hm yes he did wanted to know my doings and if I did not tell Everything or forgot something he was not angry but not satisfied and that came out in some of the texts later.

If possible, would you please explain "he studied you" as in what did he do and how?

From what you just described, he is engaging in more instances of manipulation and abuse. Moreover, he is attempting to both control (and dictate) and condition you, which is intolerable and unjustifiable. Please, do not allow or accept his control, conditioning, and dictation. If you do, you are further allowing him to mistreat you in other possible forms. Additionally, you are allowing him to further control you and condition you. Again, his aforesaid actions are of manipulation and abuse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 I Think he has very very strong feelings inside, more than normal, and keeping them inside and worries. letting them out days or weeks later, that makes him feel bad. And me too.

When you say that he has "very, very strong feelings inside," is that in general, in reference to his feelings for you, both, neither, or?

You should ask yourself whether he has trouble expressing his feelings (and himself,) is pretending to do so, is passive aggressive (or not). I am not judging if what he is doing in this case is ok or not because more info seems to be needed here to explain his behavior.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 But I have also wanted to help him too much, asked him every day if he was ok, and so on, and got worried if he did not reply for a half day, so I suppose I did aslo act controlling. but he says I dont Always tell the truth, that I dont Think of his feelings when he is not there, that i am secret about my work , that I tries to make him do things else I put him on guilt trips. so I feel like I have done wrong to him. But he blames me partly for being sick now. and that could be the reason to his withdrawal- And I feel awful for that. Really. But inside I also feels hurt and unfairly judged. I am not that kind of person.

If you are merely asking him how he is doing, checking on him and well being and so forth, you are not being controlling. You are attempting to act on your care and feelings for him. Moreover, you are exhibiting empathy. A most succinct (maybe, overly succinct) definition of "control" is to dictate and/or intimidate. Ask yourself if you are attempting to dictate him, intimidate him, manipulate him and so on.

Again, he seems to be projecting and trying to convince you of responsibility, guilt and blame. All three aforesaid actions are manipulative and abusive. More than likely, he is attempting to do so not just to control you, but he also deceives himself into being of the consciousness that he is not guilty (of anything and to any degree) to blame (for anything and to any degree,) nor responsible (for anything) because you are guilty, to blame and responsible.

Consequently, he tells himself that he is fine, is not doing anything harmful to you, is not mistreating you and so on. As a result, he continues as he is (and not attempting to consider his behavior, change his behavior and so forth.)

The effect of you feeling hurt and unjustly judged is probably yet another sign of manipulation and abuse. Moreover, his manipulation and abuse is indeed successfully (in the perspective of if the manipulation and abuse are "working" or not) affecting you in conditioning you to be manipulated, abused and much more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 Anyway I Went over to him tonight to talk - but he did not open. Wrote that he slept bad and that he could not have emotionally disucssions now because he had ocd training planned for next morning. I wrote that I was unhappy and so on because he did not want to tell me anything why he broke Contact. I have also wrote that if he want to break up he must at least say it to me, but no discussions needed, 5 minutes is ok . But he does not answer. I dont know. Is he really feeling anxious and sick and can not talk to me. Or is this toxic behaviour? At least I feel I am not Worth this treatment. Noone is. 2 weeks now. If I see him as sick I want to help him. but this silence is torture. I can not mourn the realtionship and I cant go on with my Life. And how can I press a sick person? So even if he wants to continue, I dont know if I can be or should be with someone that treats me this way? Even if I have made mistakes a long time ago. But oh it is like clear now, how could he not support me in my sorrow?

When he told you that he "could not engage in emotional discussions" with you, he might exhibiting denial in his responsibility and actions, deflecting responsibility and fleeing from responsibility and actions. Not only is the aforesaid behavior self-deception, but it is also manipulative and abusive because he dodges any attempts on your part to (rationally) communicate on such matters.

You ought to ask yourself why he did not discuss such content with you. Moreover, it is most likely not a matter of "could" not because he had both the ability and choice to decide to speak with you; however, he choose not to do so. Thus, he "did" not speak with you as opposed to "could" not speak with you.

Please, remind yourself that you should not let him dictate. When you state to him to tell you about "breaking up," you are offering him the option to control and dictate; therefore, you are transferring power to him. Additionally, you are allowing him to control and accepting his control.

Again, you would need to try and find out as well as ask yourself why he would not chat with you, even if he were to be anxious, sick and so forth. Is that what is preventing him from speaking with you? Is there another cause, motive, and so on?

His behavior are yet another possible instance of silent treatment and other forms (e.g. lying, deception, and others) of abuse and manipulation.

Your question again indicates his lack of empathy and unconcern with you, your life, your feelings and more. What you divulged in your latest post to me and in your thread in general seems to point to the possibility and even probability that he is not simply manipulating and abusing you. Whether he is of a personality disorder or another possibility (e.g. temporarily disrupted to the point of lacking empathy,) he does not seem to be just manipulating and abusing you.

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Originally Posted by Morgonstar100 Well I sound like an old song on repeat. I will sleep on it again. Thanks so much for taking time to answer. And yes, do you feel that you ever can trust someone again after this relation? Is it like you do not know who you are, because you have been played or manipulated for so long time? How did you manage to find the joy in Life again?

Please continue to reflect, think and research as you protect yourself and keep in mind for your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. Do not hesitate to talk to others about this.

Please also keep in mind that everyone might have an opinion, including I and my opinion, but you need to analyze if the opinion is insightful (or not,) helpful (or not) and more. Also, consider a professional opinion.

No need to thank me. I am just trying to offer any assistance and to be conscious of not offering what might seem as "assistance" to me (even to you,) yet it is not of assistance to you.

When you write "trust someone again," are you referring to anyone in general? If you are asking about anyone in general, I would assert "yes" and "yes" even to dating someone else other than the abuser and manipulator. If you are referring to the abuser and manipulator, I would reply differently.

I am still very much struggling as I try to recover and heal. If you choose, my thread is still on the first or second page of this sub forum and begins with "Brokenhearted..." Again, if you choose, you might read it and find some helpful (or not) info.

Hi
I have been thinking and reflecting a lot. No I can not seethat I have been manipulative or abusive. I think it is projection.
Mental ill was a bad translation. Depression. Stress affected, tired, no energy¨. Very big issues with sleep. And he got OCD problems recently. Need to control how tings or people are being moved and placed. (He put a bit blame on me for those problems,I caused him anxiety that caused OCD)
It feel terrible if that is true but I dont Think you can blame someone else for that?
I think he is very sensitive in both good and bad wayfor him. He feels emotions very strong but he can not show them ortalk about them easily. He hides anger inside for long time. He can not reallyleave things from the past, he gets sad when thinking of them and he thinks alot of them. I wanted us and him to focus more on the now and our future, buthe said I could not just pretend things never happened, you must learn fromthem. Yes of course… OK so then he saw me as a person that wanted to pretendthings never happen and that made him worry, if I did something wrong /beingunfaithful, would I not tell him then? Of course, I would not do anything butif I did I would tell. But well, “you are a person that has easy to forgiveyourself and you pretend things never happens if they are painful”. And I was objecting to that, but “he saw whathe saw”.
About studying me - I then felt he was judging me sometimes.He said he studied my behavior with other men when we were out or somewhere.And that made me feel uncomfortable. If youare looking for signs that someone might flirt or so, you will find signs, right? How you look at someone and how Close you stand. and I did not recognice the situation how he described it from my point of view.
He also said I said and promised one thing and then made theopposite. So I was a person that said one thing to calm him and then when hewere not there, I ignored him totally (his words but less offensive).
And OK, yes I could not disagree but I tried to explain. Itwas on business trips and I promised to be in contact all night and then I wasat the room a bit later than I said, or the battery was out for half an hour becauseI could not find the charger and things like that. 4 times in 2 years thosethings happened. And they were honestly not that bad. But I did listen andunderstood and apologized his disappointment even if I was a bit disappointedhe could not accept or forgive those things. But I also got angry after a whilebecause he was taking the discussion very long and for a long time, so I couldget angry when I felt I had to protect myself from being diminished or how todescribe it. So – I was not reliable and I also reacted with anger when hewanted to say he was hurt – so there he had another of my negative traits.
As you might understand he was really scared that I wouldhurt him by being unfaithful. Like very jealous in a suspicious way, Sometimes I felt controlled. Or manipulatedthrough guilt, it was terrible for him every time I travelled with work so Ijust wanted to say no to work for example. He also said some times that he could not bear to go out and see friends and have beer if I also Went out, could I please just stay home so he did not have to worry and get ocd? That felt wrong.
Well. I love him –but I am not happy as I should be because I dont feel he loves me back. I was disappointed from the lack of support in my grief.And when he started the silent treatment now I think he just discards me.And Ishould not accept the silent treatment.
I have done everythingI could these weeks to get an answer. Called, visited, messed. He has texted afew times that he feels bad and that he has no energy to discuss or meet me. Iwanted onlu 5-10 minuits, I realise we need to break up but in afriendly way. I asked if he see us asover? He does not reply. I asked him if he could not speak shortly, that his behaviorsays me we are over but he wont answer. He only wrote that it is partly myfault that he is feeling so bad and I should not try to put guilt on him thathe can´t see me now.
So I guess it is over but he won’t confirm. I refuse to break up by text. I feel awful, I misshim, I know this is no good relationship but it hurts that he can’t even give me a realclosure. And I also know that if we talk, he will put more guilt on me. “Ihave ruined his life” he said. He is sick of being worried (read jealous) andthat made him sick.
But honestly I am sick of being in the other end neverknowing if he will show up as promised and if he will be happy or if he willdiscuss my bad traits for hours again.
But it still hurts.

The truth is hard sometimes.

I have no idea what you mean by this.

Sorry, meant for myself. I have to face that I sort of have accepted Bad things and that the truth is hard to accept, the man I love treats me bad and I need to stop it.

Hi Morgon, I just broke up with my ex one week ago last saturday. She was giving me the silent treatment and then pretended like she wasn't, was taking space, or just thinking. These denials of her actions led to her gas-lighting me and acting like it was all in my head. In the times I was vulnerable, she projected insecurities onto me, manipulated me to the point of confusion, attacked my character, criticized me, and continuously tried to break me. By the end of just 3 weeks I significantly doubted who I was, even though I acted in the best intentions. In the end, I had to walk out of her room, leave, and not turn back.

The silent treatment is an awful way to deal with things. It often leads to other emotional abuse. Many people here have mentioned it is one of the worst things you can do. I do believe that to be the case with your boyfriend. With the silent treatment; instead of putting your best foot forward, you coldly detach and let the other who cares about you to fight with themselves in their own head. It is a really bad way to deal with things and is emotionally abusive.

I hope you find a solution in this matter.

The silent treatment is so immature. If my boyfriend didn’t talk to me for a week i’d just break up with them and find me a real man who seeks to resolve the problem instead of sulking in the corner.

Thanks. I don't know what it is, if it is silent treatment. Got a text that said that he does not feel well from all our fights and the discussions (jealousy) after what I have done. So he needs to get stronger before he can meet me.
I know he blames me, but I also know most of the things is in his head because I have not been unfaithful or flirty or anything. More than a year ago I made somehting untoughtful and I hurt him and that made his fantasy start. He said he believed me but as time goes by it gets worse, and since I know I perhaps started it I have been very careful not protesting toó much but things Went too far.
I texted back and wrote that we did not have to see each other but I wanted to know if he felt like we are broken up, or if this was his way to break up, I asked so many times these weeks so I feel like a stalker but he does not reply for Days, and then only with the same answer.
So I feel it is over. I also feel something is not right here. Maybe he is really feeling ill and heartbroken. Or he is just playing me because he knows this is my biggest fear, that he Cuts Contact and Everything. And all blame are on me for that also. But no person with a heart would start this discard just when one of my parents passed away, right?
Well I have booked time with a phsycologist because this abandoning and heart breaking feeling I have mixed with guilt and questioning myself is driving me mad. I am like obsessed and I want out of it.

Sorry for your situation too.
I have learned a lot of silent treatment now, and I swear I will never use it no matter how angry or disappointed I am at someone.

Take care :-)

If you love him, you will just accept what he has said (you say it is always the same answer) and let him go. You cannot make him love you or come back to you. Texting over and over when he did not reply likely drives him farther away. Love is a two way street. When love ends it feels bad but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can get through the mourning process and move on with your life. Unless he initiates, stop talking to him. Let it go and if he initiates, only respond if it is a positive, love filled text or conversation. If your relationship is mostly negative, you need to move on.....

I agree. The silent treatment is cruel, passive aggressive behavior and is extremely immature. It does not show loving care. Two people need to be able to maturely work out any differences and conflicts together. Communication is KEY. When communication stops, it causes hurt and pain. That is no good. Love should not be hurtful like that.

You are attempting to judge how you would be in a hypothetical scenario, but even in your hypothetical scenario, several important, relevant factors are missing. It is most generalized.

In how ever many relationships where silent treatment is employed against one partner, the effects can be devastating and even cause trauma. Moreover, the trauma causes the abused partner to stay and possibly develop a trauma bond (which is an biological addiction to the cycle of abuse.)

Additionally, in some relationships where the silent treatment is used, people are already in love (of what ever degree,) forming a bond (to whatever degree) and so on.

It is not always so simple and/or easy to just "break up" with the abuser and start over with someone else.

Your post is dismissive of how damaging the silent treatment can be, its possible effects on the victim and more.