[lady411]

I've caught my husband masturbating to porn a couple of times the past year. I've expressed to him how hurt & betrayed i feel about it. He has said in the past that he would stop. But every time he locks himself in the restroom for a long period of time my intuition tells me otherwise. When I have questioned him he denies it & says men who make love to their wives every night have no need for it.
Today when i caught him once more, he had the nerve to say that it's normal behavior.

I'm not sure I can give the best advice as I am pro porn, but I'll try. First idea is can you watch it with him and make it a couples thing? If that's not comfortable for you then maybe going to couples counselling and talking out your feelings might help.

To be honest I agree that porn and self satisfaction are normal behaviour. That doesn't mean it has to happen in your house if you're not comfortable with it.

[SorryShaped]

It is normal. Maybe you could watch it with him to see what he's into?

I hope you are not insulted by an opposing viewpoint, but I am pro-porn myself and have no problem with my partner watching it. I consider masturbation to be a rather normal and healthy human behaviour. Your husband does not love you any less by watching pornography on occasion.

[Carmina]

I do agree porn can be abusive and degrading to women (and to men in different ways) and the porn industry on the whole is vile. But speaking as a male who has huge issues with touch and sex often it just feels safer and less stressful to do it yourself, you also know how to touch yourself in ways that a partner doesn't always get, even the most sensitive and closest to you. And I know this is true for many women as well as men. I also do find that an erotic image/movie to focus on can help, I try to go for more sex positive feminist erotica than mainstream porn because of my views on the industry as a whole, it's not perfect but I feel guilt about sex no matter what I do anyway so there's no easy answer. So I can understand that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong in a relationship for a partner to also want to masturbate, it can make things better if acknowledged and even shared.

[*Laurie*]

My issue with porn is that is is so boring. It's all the same. Same insipid storylines, same everything. Why can't someone get more creative with porn?

Anyway, I understand how you feel, I think. Do you feel like your husband is getting something from watching porn that he doesn't get from sex with you?

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

My issue with porn is that is is so boring. It's all the same. Same insipid storylines, same everything. Why can't someone get more creative with porn?

Anyway, I understand how you feel, I think. Do you feel like your husband is getting something from watching porn that he doesn't get from sex with you?

You're not looking hard enough! I have two videos that are similar to pirates of the Caribbean and they are awesome. We've even had friends over to watch them. Yes I am that relaxed. Lol

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

My issue with porn is that is is so boring. It's all the same. Same insipid storylines, same everything. Why can't someone get more creative with porn?

Anyway, I understand how you feel, I think. Do you feel like your husband is getting something from watching porn that he doesn't get from sex with you?

There's a story? Must be the not-naked parts I skip through. Focus on the goal at hand

[WhatsNextNow]

I'm so tired of women being told, and it's usually if not always women, they need to look at porn in order to know what men like and that maybe they will also come to love it. No. I am against porn, not because of some religious reason, because I'm not into that stuff, or anything like that. Women who hate porn don't need to be talked into liking it, and they are not deficient in any way. It more than borders on abuse to suggest there's something she's doing wrong, or not doing, and to center on what he says he ' needs '. To the OP, if you don't like it, understand that he will continue to lie about it, so you will need to decide what you can honestly accept. This is a tough one, because on one side of one coin there's the ' don't be a prude ! ', and on the other side there's the religious ' morality ' stuff. You get to decide if you are not okay with it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Good luck.
* eta - masturbation isn't an issue

[SorryShaped]

If you've never tried something, you might consider it. I thought certainly things in life were never for me, but found them to be the most fun things ever. I'm not talking and about sex here at all, but life in general.

[Artchic528]

Sure a huge chunk of porn is centered around male domination and control over the woman and most of this type of material is geared toward the majority of straight males. Not saying all straight males will find this sort of content appealing, but a huge chunk do, otherwise the market wouldn't be catering to it. Is it degrading to women? Sometimes the situations the actresses are put in can be abusive in all, and I agree, that sort of stuff will have no place in my life.

However, the beauty of porn is the shear variety and there is something for everyone who has interest in watching the stuff. Not saying everyone has to partake either. If it's not for you, then don't partake. Simple enough. I'm not going to go on a "pro porn" rant here, but I do like to watch it. That's all I'll say.

Now, as for the OP, if you don't like porn, and have issues with your husband watching it, then maybe going to couples counsling to help you openly communicate to each other about the situation is needed.

I'm sorry you feel so disrespected, but know that porn as a strong allure and caters to the pleasure centers of our brains, well, for those of us who enjoy watching it that is. It's like doing anything else that will trigger this pleasure center and we soon hunger for more of this sensation of pleasure. For some, this becomes an insatiable addiction, and other's a regular activity that doesn't detract from life in any way. Stopping this cold turkey is like stopping smoking cold turkey and can be rather hard to do. Relapses are going to happen, but that's sometimes the way things go when you try and stop doing an activity that's become an addiction.

I hope you two find a happy solution to your problem.

(((((Lady411))))) To me it sounds like a conflict in values and conflicting sexuality / desired amt. of sex from each other. I'm not sure what the answer is for you and this sounds tough. I just wanted to express my support.

[lady411]

Originally Posted by Carmina

I do agree porn can be abusive and degrading to women (and to men in different ways) and the porn industry on the whole is vile. But speaking as a male who has huge issues with touch and sex often it just feels safer and less stressful to do it yourself, you also know how to touch yourself in ways that a partner doesn't always get, even the most sensitive and closest to you. And I know this is true for many women as well as men. I also do find that an erotic image/movie to focus on can help, I try to go for more sex positive feminist erotica than mainstream porn because of my views on the industry as a whole, it's not perfect but I feel guilt about sex no matter what I do anyway so there's no easy answer. So I can understand that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong in a relationship for a partner to also want to masturbate, it can make things better if acknowledged and even shared.

I want to point out that I don't have a problem with porn in general. I have a single brother that watches it and probably masturbates to it as well. I believe that is healthy behavior for a single man who doesn't have a woman to exchange sexual intimacy with on a daily basis. I'm speaking as a wife who goes above and beyond to pleasure her husband in ever way possible upon request. Porn is not something I'm open to incorporate into our 3yr marriage at least not at this point.

[lady411]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

My issue with porn is that is is so boring. It's all the same. Same insipid storylines, same everything. Why can't someone get more creative with porn?

Anyway, I understand how you feel, I think. Do you feel like your husband is getting something from watching porn that he doesn't get from sex with you?

Yes exactly my point. I love my husband. We have an amazing sex life. And I'm always open for improvement in any area

Well I was in an over 2 year relationship. One time I realized he was watching porn during the week, and masturbating to it. We weren't having sex, and he wasn't trying to please me at all. I think, in a long relationship, especially marriage, the husband or significant other, will not be able to see that this takes away from marriage. Why masturbate if you have someone to make love to? If it is something shared, ok, a shared interest. But hiding and lying, to me, shows that he is not letting you in on that part of his life, and makes me wonder what he needs that for, when he has you. I wasn't really offended at finding my partner doing this, but it did make me wonder why I wasn't enough to please him, since I did everything he liked in bed. I questioned what was so interesting about that to him, and if he needs an image of another woman in his mind to get aroused. I also think that it should be openly discussed in counseling if this bothers you. I wish you the best.

Well, you have an amazing sex life, so you are open to improvement. I don't see an issue there really.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by lady411

Yes exactly my point. I love my husband. We have an amazing sex life. And I'm always open for improvement in any area

Yes. I would feel the same way you feel. I would feel very hurt, left out, and rejected. I would keep wondering what it is that my husband gets out of watching porn when we have each other? I wish I could say the way you feel is flawed, because if I could say that it would mean that what your husband is doing is okay and you don't have to be concerned about it. But in all honesty, I think his use of porn (especially to such an extent) is of concern.

[lady411]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

If you've never tried something, you might consider it. I thought certainly things in life were never for me, but found them to be the most fun things ever. I'm not talking and about sex here at all, but life in general.

I have tried it on a previous relationship & it is not what i wanted.

[SMRY]

Originally Posted by lady411

I've caught my husband masturbating to porn a couple of times the past year. I've expressed to him how hurt & betrayed i feel about it. He has said in the past that he would stop. But every time he locks himself in the restroom for a long period of time my intuition tells me otherwise. When I have questioned him he denies it & says men who make love to their wives every night have no need for it.
Today when i caught him once more, he had the nerve to say that it's normal behavior.

Most men whack off to porn - they are not wired like women, so don’t expect him to act like you. Stop shaming him about it and taking it personally. By doing that you make it more forbidden and enticing for him. He’s correct about it being normal behavior for men. At least he said it out loud.

[it'sgrowtime]

“Porn” is so readily available and desensitized. That fact in itself is not so “normal,” in my opinion. Now you even hear “food porn” “house porn” porn porn porn. I tried to go along with the porn thing as it became more mainstream, but had to admit the truth...that a lot of things about porn are not conducive to security and joy.

[SMRY]

Originally Posted by it'sgrowtime

“Porn” is so readily available and desensitized. That fact in itself is not so “normal,” in my opinion. Now you even hear “food porn” “house porn” porn porn porn. I tried to go along with the porn thing as it became more mainstream, but had to admit the truth...that a lot of things about porn are not conducive to security and joy.

Port is like a favorite junk food to men. Like the majority of women I find it baffling and certainly don’t get turned on by it.

Conversely, how is this any worse than women who are “addicted to love”? 🤔

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by it'sgrowtime

“Porn” is so readily available and desensitized. That fact in itself is not so “normal,” in my opinion. Now you even hear “food porn” “house porn” porn porn porn. I tried to go along with the porn thing as it became more mainstream, but had to admit the truth...that a lot of things about porn are not conducive to security and joy.

What about the word "porn" don't you like? Is it the fact that it signifies an indulgence? I find the occasional indulgence to be conducive to mental stability and overall good health. We all have our indulgences. Why be so aversive to one single word when used in complete innocence, such as "food porn"? It just means a visual indulgence in appealing foodstuffs. I'm very curious, here.

[lady411]

It's not just visual indulgence when it takes away from the sexual intimacy of a marriage. Porn is not something that was created to be conducive to a healthy long lasting marriage. Yes it is a healthy indulgence when you have no one to indulge yourself with physically. But when you have someone that is there to indulge all your senses day & night, what is the point? This is my main issue.

[beauflow]

Besides the porn, he hasn't been honest- and switched from"I'll stop" to "it's natural". Not only that but disregard to your feelings (imo at least).

That there I believe is an issue but that could just be my interpretation..., as relationships are to be open honest and growing (in my opinion at least, everyone has their own view thou).

like another poster mentioned- i believe- it's something you have to decide if it's a deal breaker.

Could try counselling if you believe that may benefit you both and the relationship... Could try again to talk, in general about it.. could weigh this in with all other aspects of the relationship.

I'm so sorry that your having to go through this, and with so many posts about how porn is so great & the debate- derailing your individual situation.

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer but with great sympathies I hope peace can be again & that resolution is found.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by SMRY

Most men whack off to porn - they are not wired like women, so don’t expect him to act like you. Stop shaming him about it and taking it personally. By doing that you make it more forbidden and enticing for him. He’s correct about it being normal behavior for men. At least he said it out loud.

No. "Most men" don't whack off to porn. You might be justifying your behavior. lady411 has every right to be upset.