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#1
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Anyone feel like if someone has a tendency to do something to others, they will most likely do it to you? There have been times where I hear someone say they bailed out on someone and gave a dumb excuse or they faked a friendship with someone else at one point. Then they will say they would never do it to you. As much as I respect their honesty, it makes me nervous since I feel like if they did it to others, they would do it to me. Once someone admitted to faking a friendship with a couple people in the past and I had a bad feeling she would do it to me even though she said she would never do it to me. That person turned out to be a fair weather friend, just cut me off. I had a feeling she would do that. She apparently just talked to me out of boredom until she graduated and got into a new relationship and just didn’t care for me in general. She did the same things to others as well, treating friends as disposable.
Someone else admitted to bailing out on others a few times and making up a reason when she really just simply didn't want to hang out. Then she said she would never do it to me. I bet she has done it just because she has done it to others. That is fine if she doesn't want to hang out but I'm sure some of those times she actually made up a reason when she probably just simply didn't feel like hanging out. Basically I just feel like when someone tends to do stuff to others, they most likely would do it to you even if they said they would never do it to you. When people say they wouldn't do it to you but they do it to others, are they just trying to be nice? Just wondered. I feel like that is a common thing people say just out of politeness. Last edited by rdgrad15; Mar 23, 2018 at 07:53 AM. |
![]() Anonymous50909, Anonymous59898, mote.of.soul
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#2
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Your feelings are correct rdgrad, when you observe behaviors as you have described above, you are seeing how that person is with others in general and it's pretty much how they are with everyone and will be with you as well at some point. The longer you live the more you will see that too. It's good to be observant and see how people talk about and treat others, that way you have a better idea about what kind of friend this person will be to you.
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![]() Lolina, rdgrad15
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#3
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Very well said Open Eyes. I would only add that learning this about other people's behaviors also gives you an idea of what kind of people you want to surround yourself with.
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![]() Lolina, Open Eyes, rdgrad15
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#4
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Actions speak louder than words. How someone treats other people speaks volumes about how they will treat you. Would you want to be friends with someone who was mean to other people? I would not.
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![]() rdgrad15
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#5
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Basically what it comes down to is honesty. These people are confiding in you that they are not honest people. And the only thing you can count on from them is that they will be dishonest with you at some point too.
__________________
![]() What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
![]() rdgrad15
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#6
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I agree. These behaviours are clear examples of the sort of character these people are. Why would they be any different around you.
I am really careful not to fall into the gossip game simply because I don't want to be on the receiving end of it. I tend to steer away from those that do or those that generally show disrespect for others. On the contrary, surround yourself with positive people. |
![]() rdgrad15
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#7
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#8
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I agree. I feel like no one really has the guts to tell someone they don’t feel like hanging out so they make an excuse. So I feel like, for that casual friend, I just have to accept that she will make excuses at times even though I prefer honesty. But yeah the one who faked a friendship, I no longer hang out with her. I always felt like she never liked me.
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#9
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Yeah I agree. I don’t hang out with the person who faked a friendship. For the one who makes excuses, I feel like I have no choice but to accept it because it seems like no one admits to not wanting to hang out. They make excuses instead. I do prefer honesty though.
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#10
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You are right, I totally agree. Any time someone admits to faking a friendship, I now distance myself from them.
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#11
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#12
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rdgrad15, when people show you who they are believe them.
Some people will give off red flags by their actions and by what they say. If you sense they are not being honest with you, you can call them out on it (they'll likely just deflect and deny, and try to shift their guilt on to you and blame you and try to make you feel bad). Or, you can simply let that friendship fade away into the nethersphere. Only surround yourself with people of solid character. And let the rest fall by the wayside. I've been ghosted by so-called friends before and it hurts to learn that way, that they never valued my friendship to begin with, but viewed me as more of an acquaintance. Don't let other people manipulate you. Judge people yourself, based on your own perceptions and observations. Don't believe 3rd hand information about anyone, because that's usually the 3rd hand person's perception, and not the truth. |
![]() rdgrad15
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#13
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I wanted to add: who fakes a friendship? Seriously I don't have that kind of time or interest. If I don't genuinely want to be your friend, I'm not going to. People never cease to amaze me.
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![]() rdgrad15
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#14
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So, if someone is rude to others, they are likely to be rude to you as well; if someone bails on others, they are likely to bail on you as well; if someone gossips about others, they are likely to gossip about you as well; and lastly if someone is playing the victim and saying how many times she/he has been wronged by others, he/she is likely to be the bully herself. Please be careful. Listen to your intuition.
__________________
[B]'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.' |
![]() seesaw
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![]() rdgrad15, seesaw
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#15
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Humans are social animals who will use and abuse others to get their emotional, psychological and physical needs met. Unfortunately, the few who have solid characters easily fall prey to the friendship fakers because they are good people. Signs of a fake friendship: 1. Their friendship is conditional. 2. Your friend acts differently around you when you are in another social group. 3. Your friend gossips about you behind your back, then denies it to you if you call them out on it. 4. Your friend will cancel plans with you and not apologize or even appear to care that they hurt your feelings, at the last minute, if something else better (in their view) comes up. 5. If they have an argument or disagreement with you, they use that as the impetus to end their friendship with you (real friends don't part ways over disagreements, they work through those with each other). 6. Your friend is a mooch and always wants or needs something from you. 7. If you say "no" to them, they'll drop you like a hot potato and stop communicating with you. 8. They sabotage your goals and try to undermine your self confidence. 9. They are always negative and complain a lot around you. 10. They gossip about others to you and expect you to take their side always. 11. They are horrible listeners. They don't really care what you have to say and they don't really listen to your opinion or validate it. 12. Fake friends treat your reasonable expectations for a friendship as a nuisance and put you down for having boundaries with them, because their agenda is to manipulate you. I'm sure there are more red flags but these are ones I experienced first hand (and still do, if I'm not careful with people in real life or online). |
![]() rdgrad15
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#16
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You are smart to have boundaries and not accept the b.s. that people throw at you as far as making excuses not to hang out. Those people are fake friends and definitely NOT worth your time or concern. Just keep your eye out for real genuine friendship connections and don't let these types of users take advantage of you. Good people are out there. |
![]() rdgrad15
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#17
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#18
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I agree. It is pathetic. The only exception I would make is if it was done out of fear for their safety or reputation. Like if you ended they friendship then they would make your life absolutely miserable like accusing you of serious, possibly illegal things that you never did or even hurt you physically. I actually knew someone that did that stuff if someone ended the friendship with them. That is more common in relationships though and even in that case, I would still wonder why the person isn’t taking action if they were in a friendship like that and weren’t trying to get outside help. Other than that, there i no exchuse to fake a friendship. Even a pity friendship is horrible in my opinion. I wouldn’t befriend someone I want nothing to do with.
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#19
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This thread is helping me, too, Rdgrad. Thanks for posting about this.
Seeing someone as disposable is a great analogy for those people. Cielpur and others have some pretty good advice here. Surrounding oneself with people of solid character and letting others fall by the wayside is excellent advice! And yeah, if someone is telling who they are, believe them! At some point, they'll behave poorly towards you, too. |
![]() rdgrad15
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#20
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#21
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#22
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#23
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![]() Anonymous50909
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#24
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You'd think friendship is cut and dry; that if you find a friend you have something in common with, that friendship's navigation will be easy. But nope, friendship is not easy street. Not by a long shot. Too many variables involved. This is an interesting HuffPost article about types of friendships. |
![]() rdgrad15
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#25
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I had another fake friend cancel plans on me at the last minute. First, I invited her to go see a play. She arrived 15 minutes late. Then after the play, asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was going to go home. She said, "well, why don't we get something to eat, I have an hour to kill before I meetup with [name of a mutual friend]." I declined and she later told the mutual friend that I stood her up for dinner. Um, crazy much? Later, she invited me to meet her for a movie (I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to go), and then the day of, called me up to cancel, stating that she had somewhere more important and interesting to go to (she was 40 years old at the time). I could go on and on with my list of fake-frienemies encounters. It's just too much. Even has happened to me online, where I've caught online friends mocking me and smack talking me *while I'm in the same chatroom* to others, then pretending they never did it. It's just mind boggling why these people act this way. I think they act this way because they are hurt, insecure, and have low self esteem. Or maybe they're just born that way -- as big jerks who couldn't care less about other people's feelings. |
![]() rdgrad15
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