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  #1  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 07:27 AM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Anyone feel like if someone has a tendency to do something to others, they will most likely do it to you? There have been times where I hear someone say they bailed out on someone and gave a dumb excuse or they faked a friendship with someone else at one point. Then they will say they would never do it to you. As much as I respect their honesty, it makes me nervous since I feel like if they did it to others, they would do it to me. Once someone admitted to faking a friendship with a couple people in the past and I had a bad feeling she would do it to me even though she said she would never do it to me. That person turned out to be a fair weather friend, just cut me off. I had a feeling she would do that. She apparently just talked to me out of boredom until she graduated and got into a new relationship and just didn’t care for me in general. She did the same things to others as well, treating friends as disposable.

Someone else admitted to bailing out on others a few times and making up a reason when she really just simply didn't want to hang out. Then she said she would never do it to me. I bet she has done it just because she has done it to others. That is fine if she doesn't want to hang out but I'm sure some of those times she actually made up a reason when she probably just simply didn't feel like hanging out. Basically I just feel like when someone tends to do stuff to others, they most likely would do it to you even if they said they would never do it to you. When people say they wouldn't do it to you but they do it to others, are they just trying to be nice? Just wondered. I feel like that is a common thing people say just out of politeness.

Last edited by rdgrad15; Mar 23, 2018 at 07:53 AM.
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  #2  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 08:44 AM
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Your feelings are correct rdgrad, when you observe behaviors as you have described above, you are seeing how that person is with others in general and it's pretty much how they are with everyone and will be with you as well at some point. The longer you live the more you will see that too. It's good to be observant and see how people talk about and treat others, that way you have a better idea about what kind of friend this person will be to you.
Thanks for this!
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  #3  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 08:51 AM
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Very well said Open Eyes. I would only add that learning this about other people's behaviors also gives you an idea of what kind of people you want to surround yourself with.
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  #4  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:41 AM
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Actions speak louder than words. How someone treats other people speaks volumes about how they will treat you. Would you want to be friends with someone who was mean to other people? I would not.
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  #5  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:46 AM
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Basically what it comes down to is honesty. These people are confiding in you that they are not honest people. And the only thing you can count on from them is that they will be dishonest with you at some point too.
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  #6  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:46 AM
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I agree. These behaviours are clear examples of the sort of character these people are. Why would they be any different around you.

I am really careful not to fall into the gossip game simply because I don't want to be on the receiving end of it. I tend to steer away from those that do or those that generally show disrespect for others.

On the contrary, surround yourself with positive people.
Thanks for this!
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  #7  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:47 AM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Your feelings are correct rdgrad, when you observe behaviors as you have described above, you are seeing how that person is with others in general and it's pretty much how they are with everyone and will be with you as well at some point. The longer you live the more you will see that too. It's good to be observant and see how people talk about and treat others, that way you have a better idea about what kind of friend this person will be to you.
I agree. With the first example, I am glad I am not friends with the person anymore. Always felr like she secretly didn’t like me even though she claimed she did. And I believe my feelings were correct. With the second example, I am not close to that friend. Just casual friends. And I agree, her actions show what kind of friend she is. The only reason I am more lenient with her is because I feel like absolutely no one really has the guts to tell a friend they don’t feel like hanging out, so they make an excuse instead. I feel like I have no choice but to accept how it is even though I wish people were more honest.
  #8  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:50 AM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by lady411 View Post
Very well said Open Eyes. I would only add that learning this about other people's behaviors also gives you an idea of what kind of people you want to surround yourself with.
I agree. I feel like no one really has the guts to tell someone they don’t feel like hanging out so they make an excuse. So I feel like, for that casual friend, I just have to accept that she will make excuses at times even though I prefer honesty. But yeah the one who faked a friendship, I no longer hang out with her. I always felt like she never liked me.
  #9  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:52 AM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by TheSadGirl View Post
Actions speak louder than words. How someone treats other people speaks volumes about how they will treat you. Would you want to be friends with someone who was mean to other people? I would not.
Yeah I agree. I don’t hang out with the person who faked a friendship. For the one who makes excuses, I feel like I have no choice but to accept it because it seems like no one admits to not wanting to hang out. They make excuses instead. I do prefer honesty though.
  #10  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:53 AM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
Basically what it comes down to is honesty. These people are confiding in you that they are not honest people. And the only thing you can count on from them is that they will be dishonest with you at some point too.
You are right, I totally agree. Any time someone admits to faking a friendship, I now distance myself from them.
  #11  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 10:55 AM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
I agree. These behaviours are clear examples of the sort of character these people are. Why would they be any different around you.

I am really careful not to fall into the gossip game simply because I don't want to be on the receiving end of it. I tend to steer away from those that do or those that generally show disrespect for others.

On the contrary, surround yourself with positive people.
I agree. I distance myself from people who admit to faking friendships. That is unacceptable. I also don’t like it when people make excuses to not hang out when they just simply don’t want to but I feel like no one admits to just simply not wanting to hang out so they make excuses, such as being busy or getting called into work when they really didn’t. I do prefer honesty though.
  #12  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 11:11 AM
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rdgrad15, when people show you who they are believe them.

Some people will give off red flags by their actions and by what they say. If you sense they are not being honest with you, you can call them out on it (they'll likely just deflect and deny, and try to shift their guilt on to you and blame you and try to make you feel bad). Or, you can simply let that friendship fade away into the nethersphere.

Only surround yourself with people of solid character. And let the rest fall by the wayside.

I've been ghosted by so-called friends before and it hurts to learn that way, that they never valued my friendship to begin with, but viewed me as more of an acquaintance.

Don't let other people manipulate you. Judge people yourself, based on your own perceptions and observations. Don't believe 3rd hand information about anyone, because that's usually the 3rd hand person's perception, and not the truth.
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
  #13  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 11:27 AM
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I wanted to add: who fakes a friendship? Seriously I don't have that kind of time or interest. If I don't genuinely want to be your friend, I'm not going to. People never cease to amaze me.
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
  #14  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 12:09 PM
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FallDuskTrain FallDuskTrain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Anyone feel like if someone has a tendency to do something to others, they will most likely do it to you? There have been times where I hear someone say they bailed out on someone and gave a dumb excuse or they faked a friendship with someone else at one point. Then they will say they would never do it to you. As much as I respect their honesty, it makes me nervous since I feel like if they did it to others, they would do it to me. Once someone admitted to faking a friendship with a couple people in the past and I had a bad feeling she would do it to me even though she said she would never do it to me. That person turned out to be a fair weather friend, just cut me off. I had a feeling she would do that. She apparently just talked to me out of boredom until she graduated and got into a new relationship and just didn’t care for me in general. She did the same things to others as well, treating friends as disposable.

Someone else admitted to bailing out on others a few times and making up a reason when she really just simply didn't want to hang out. Then she said she would never do it to me. I bet she has done it just because she has done it to others. That is fine if she doesn't want to hang out but I'm sure some of those times she actually made up a reason when she probably just simply didn't feel like hanging out. Basically I just feel like when someone tends to do stuff to others, they most likely would do it to you even if they said they would never do it to you. When people say they wouldn't do it to you but they do it to others, are they just trying to be nice? Just wondered. I feel like that is a common thing people say just out of politeness.
A big FAT yes, of course they would also bail on me. I am speaking from experience. I ignored my intuition and have repeated this mistake many times, thinking that I had made a genuine connection and developed a true friendship and then boom! This, of course, made me realize that if someone is gossiping or bad mouthing others, they will do the same to me. And. the most important lesson of all was about the victims. Someone who plays the victim, which i used to have a lot of compassion for, is the actual bully. It took me a lot of heart aches to realize this.
So, if someone is rude to others, they are likely to be rude to you as well; if someone bails on others, they are likely to bail on you as well; if someone gossips about others, they are likely to gossip about you as well; and lastly if someone is playing the victim and saying how many times she/he has been wronged by others, he/she is likely to be the bully herself.
Please be careful. Listen to your intuition.
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  #15  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by TheSadGirl View Post
I wanted to add: who fakes a friendship? Seriously I don't have that kind of time or interest. If I don't genuinely want to be your friend, I'm not going to. People never cease to amaze me.
Unfortunately, people fake friendships to gain something; usually social status, money, love, acceptance...for literally every reason you can think of. Not every person is like that, but there are friendship poachers (they are friendship fakers for sure), and social status climbers (they also are friendship fakers for sure).

Humans are social animals who will use and abuse others to get their emotional, psychological and physical needs met. Unfortunately, the few who have solid characters easily fall prey to the friendship fakers because they are good people.

Signs of a fake friendship:

1. Their friendship is conditional.
2. Your friend acts differently around you when you are in another social group.
3. Your friend gossips about you behind your back, then denies it to you if you call them out on it.
4. Your friend will cancel plans with you and not apologize or even appear to care that they hurt your feelings, at the last minute, if something else better (in their view) comes up.
5. If they have an argument or disagreement with you, they use that as the impetus to end their friendship with you (real friends don't part ways over disagreements, they work through those with each other).
6. Your friend is a mooch and always wants or needs something from you.
7. If you say "no" to them, they'll drop you like a hot potato and stop communicating with you.
8. They sabotage your goals and try to undermine your self confidence.
9. They are always negative and complain a lot around you.
10. They gossip about others to you and expect you to take their side always.
11. They are horrible listeners. They don't really care what you have to say and they don't really listen to your opinion or validate it.
12. Fake friends treat your reasonable expectations for a friendship as a nuisance and put you down for having boundaries with them, because their agenda is to manipulate you.

I'm sure there are more red flags but these are ones I experienced first hand (and still do, if I'm not careful with people in real life or online).
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
  #16  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:07 PM
Anonymous43456
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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
I agree. I distance myself from people who admit to faking friendships. That is unacceptable. I also don’t like it when people make excuses to not hang out when they just simply don’t want to but I feel like no one admits to just simply not wanting to hang out so they make excuses, such as being busy or getting called into work when they really didn’t. I do prefer honesty though.
Unfortunately, you'll never get honesty from fake friends. They simply don't care about your feelings. Their agenda is to use you for something they perceive you can give them; money, social status connections, etc.,.

You are smart to have boundaries and not accept the b.s. that people throw at you as far as making excuses not to hang out. Those people are fake friends and definitely NOT worth your time or concern.

Just keep your eye out for real genuine friendship connections and don't let these types of users take advantage of you. Good people are out there.
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
  #17  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:16 PM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by cielpur View Post
rdgrad15, when people show you who they are believe them.

Some people will give off red flags by their actions and by what they say. If you sense they are not being honest with you, you can call them out on it (they'll likely just deflect and deny, and try to shift their guilt on to you and blame you and try to make you feel bad). Or, you can simply let that friendship fade away into the nethersphere.

Only surround yourself with people of solid character. And let the rest fall by the wayside.

I've been ghosted by so-called friends before and it hurts to learn that way, that they never valued my friendship to begin with, but viewed me as more of an acquaintance.

Don't let other people manipulate you. Judge people yourself, based on your own perceptions and observations. Don't believe 3rd hand information about anyone, because that's usually the 3rd hand person's perception, and not the truth.
I agree with you.
  #18  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:24 PM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by TheSadGirl View Post
I wanted to add: who fakes a friendship? Seriously I don't have that kind of time or interest. If I don't genuinely want to be your friend, I'm not going to. People never cease to amaze me.
I agree. It is pathetic. The only exception I would make is if it was done out of fear for their safety or reputation. Like if you ended they friendship then they would make your life absolutely miserable like accusing you of serious, possibly illegal things that you never did or even hurt you physically. I actually knew someone that did that stuff if someone ended the friendship with them. That is more common in relationships though and even in that case, I would still wonder why the person isn’t taking action if they were in a friendship like that and weren’t trying to get outside help. Other than that, there i no exchuse to fake a friendship. Even a pity friendship is horrible in my opinion. I wouldn’t befriend someone I want nothing to do with.
  #19  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:28 PM
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This thread is helping me, too, Rdgrad. Thanks for posting about this.

Seeing someone as disposable is a great analogy for those people. Cielpur and others have some pretty good advice here. Surrounding oneself with people of solid character and letting others fall by the wayside is excellent advice! And yeah, if someone is telling who they are, believe them! At some point, they'll behave poorly towards you, too.
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
  #20  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:30 PM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain View Post
A big FAT yes, of course they would also bail on me. I am speaking from experience. I ignored my intuition and have repeated this mistake many times, thinking that I had made a genuine connection and developed a true friendship and then boom! This, of course, made me realize that if someone is gossiping or bad mouthing others, they will do the same to me. And. the most important lesson of all was about the victims. Someone who plays the victim, which i used to have a lot of compassion for, is the actual bully. It took me a lot of heart aches to realize this.
So, if someone is rude to others, they are likely to be rude to you as well; if someone bails on others, they are likely to bail on you as well; if someone gossips about others, they are likely to gossip about you as well; and lastly if someone is playing the victim and saying how many times she/he has been wronged by others, he/she is likely to be the bully herself.
Please be careful. Listen to your intuition.
I totally agree and yes I always listen to my intuition. In the case of the friend that admitted to telling someone she was called into work, she rarely bails on me but when she does use that excuse, I always wonder if she islying. I know she jas work and it is possible to get called in, and usually I believe people who say they got called in. But with her, I still accept it and I don’t fight her, but in my mind, I am secretly thinking, does she really have work or is it just an excuse. That is the problem, never knkoe if she is being honest now. In most cases I believe people work is work and most people don’t want to blow off their employers. I know I wouldn’t out of fear of getting in trouble, but with her, it is questionable at times.
  #21  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:31 PM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by cielpur View Post
Unfortunately, people fake friendships to gain something; usually social status, money, love, acceptance...for literally every reason you can think of. Not every person is like that, but there are friendship poachers (they are friendship fakers for sure), and social status climbers (they also are friendship fakers for sure).

Humans are social animals who will use and abuse others to get their emotional, psychological and physical needs met. Unfortunately, the few who have solid characters easily fall prey to the friendship fakers because they are good people.

Signs of a fake friendship:

1. Their friendship is conditional.
2. Your friend acts differently around you when you are in another social group.
3. Your friend gossips about you behind your back, then denies it to you if you call them out on it.
4. Your friend will cancel plans with you and not apologize or even appear to care that they hurt your feelings, at the last minute, if something else better (in their view) comes up.
5. If they have an argument or disagreement with you, they use that as the impetus to end their friendship with you (real friends don't part ways over disagreements, they work through those with each other).
6. Your friend is a mooch and always wants or needs something from you.
7. If you say "no" to them, they'll drop you like a hot potato and stop communicating with you.
8. They sabotage your goals and try to undermine your self confidence.
9. They are always negative and complain a lot around you.
10. They gossip about others to you and expect you to take their side always.
11. They are horrible listeners. They don't really care what you have to say and they don't really listen to your opinion or validate it.
12. Fake friends treat your reasonable expectations for a friendship as a nuisance and put you down for having boundaries with them, because their agenda is to manipulate you.

I'm sure there are more red flags but these are ones I experienced first hand (and still do, if I'm not careful with people in real life or online).
You are exactly right and I’ve dealt with these people too.
  #22  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:32 PM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by cielpur View Post
Unfortunately, you'll never get honesty from fake friends. They simply don't care about your feelings. Their agenda is to use you for something they perceive you can give them; money, social status connections, etc.,.

You are smart to have boundaries and not accept the b.s. that people throw at you as far as making excuses not to hang out. Those people are fake friends and definitely NOT worth your time or concern.

Just keep your eye out for real genuine friendship connections and don't let these types of users take advantage of you. Good people are out there.
I agree with you.
  #23  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:36 PM
rdgrad15 rdgrad15 is offline
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Originally Posted by starrysky View Post
This thread is helping me, too, Rdgrad. Thanks for posting about this.

Seeing someone as disposable is a great analogy for those people. Cielpur and others have some pretty good advice here. Surrounding oneself with people of solid character and letting others fall by the wayside is excellent advice! And yeah, if someone is telling who they are, believe them! At some point, they'll behave poorly towards you, too.
I am glad this is helping you. I agree with you and everyone else too. Yes the person who bailed on someone and said she got called in when she really didn’t was honest with me, but what she probably doesn’t realize is how it caused me to lose trust in her. Like I mentioned to someone else, in the rare cases where she says she gets called into work, I am always wondering if she really did or not. With most people, I believe it. But with her, it is more questionable. As for the person who faked a friendship, yeah she was not a real friend. She complained a lot and got mad at me and called me clingy if I ever called her out on something, even though I would do it politely and not actually in a rude accusing manner.
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  #24  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:41 PM
Anonymous43456
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Originally Posted by starrysky View Post
This thread is helping me, too, Rdgrad. Thanks for posting about this.

Seeing someone as disposable is a great analogy for those people. Cielpur and others have some pretty good advice here. Surrounding oneself with people of solid character and letting others fall by the wayside is excellent advice! And yeah, if someone is telling who they are, believe them! At some point, they'll behave poorly towards you, too.
Yep! It's hard to deal with being labeled the "disposable" friend by others who perceive you as less-than. Navigating friendships is just not an easy task, because of the mind games people play on each other.

You'd think friendship is cut and dry; that if you find a friend you have something in common with, that friendship's navigation will be easy. But nope, friendship is not easy street. Not by a long shot. Too many variables involved.

This is an interesting HuffPost article about types of friendships.
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
  #25  
Old Mar 23, 2018, 02:51 PM
Anonymous43456
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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
I am glad this is helping you. I agree with you and everyone else too. Yes the person who bailed on someone and said she got called in when she really didn’t was honest with me, but what she probably doesn’t realize is how it caused me to lose trust in her. Like I mentioned to someone else, in the rare cases where she says she gets called into work, I am always wondering if she really did or not. With most people, I believe it. But with her, it is more questionable. As for the person who faked a friendship, yeah she was not a real friend. She complained a lot and got mad at me and called me clingy if I ever called her out on something, even though I would do it politely and not actually in a rude accusing manner.
This gal I went to college with who I later ran into gave me her phone number and told me to give her a call and catch up. So I did. But, when I called her, she screeched into the phone, "What do you want from me!" As though I was asking her to donate an organ or something. I responded, "Um, you gave ME your cellphone number, so what's going on?" She was totally a fake friend. I would never give someone my cellphone number to be polite, if I didn't want them to call me. I ran into her a few times after that awkward phone call, and she completely ignored me.

I had another fake friend cancel plans on me at the last minute. First, I invited her to go see a play. She arrived 15 minutes late. Then after the play, asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was going to go home. She said, "well, why don't we get something to eat, I have an hour to kill before I meetup with [name of a mutual friend]." I declined and she later told the mutual friend that I stood her up for dinner. Um, crazy much? Later, she invited me to meet her for a movie (I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to go), and then the day of, called me up to cancel, stating that she had somewhere more important and interesting to go to (she was 40 years old at the time).

I could go on and on with my list of fake-frienemies encounters. It's just too much. Even has happened to me online, where I've caught online friends mocking me and smack talking me *while I'm in the same chatroom* to others, then pretending they never did it. It's just mind boggling why these people act this way. I think they act this way because they are hurt, insecure, and have low self esteem. Or maybe they're just born that way -- as big jerks who couldn't care less about other people's feelings.
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
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