There's a woman in my apartment complex who is quite friendly. She's older. Around 60s. She used to always ask me "how my job search was coming" and "did you find a job yet?" It was incredibly uncomfortable for me. One time over the winter, she asked, and I was assertive. I put up a boundary. I said "No, and I'm not talking about it to people." I was so proud of myself, and she'd left me alone about it since.

Today, we were both in the laundry room together, and we chatted a little. I think it's fine to be friendly with her even though I put up that boundary (I've since made it a point to be friendly w/ her while not discussing my job). But she asked me. "So any word on the job front? how's that going?" I just felt so awkward. I froze. I sometimes want to just say "I'm on disability." But part of me, doesn't want people knowing that. I get this feeling from her that she might be a gossip. I don't know. I thought I'd heard her talking about me once briefly in the hallway. She has a loud voice, and was out in the hall. She has also complained to me about the people in the apartment who smoke, which I felt like was tacky to complain about. We were right in front of the complex, and people could have walked out and heard us. If she talks about them. Maybe she'd talk about me and tell people in the complex I don't know that I am on disability.

There's a huge part of me, that just wishes I was normal. I wish I COULD talk about my life with this person. But I am not comfortable. And I am not normal. And it is none of her business. I literally froze when she said that to me today, and was just like "no, I'm looking for volunteer work." I was so uncomfortable and ended up leaving the conversation. She didn't even seem to get that I was uncomfortable.

I was going to ask here, what people think about disclosing disability to people. But the truth of the matter is, I am not comfortable, and I want to respect my feelings. I think it's ok to keep putting that boundary up. Perhaps it is sad that, if I were "normal," and had a job, we might have a different, more friendly on my part relationship. But this is the reality. Should I back off from being so friendly with her? I think I might. I feel like I need to protect myself.

What do you think? Am I doing the right thing? I'm not sure how to get more comfortable disclosing my disability. I have to some people. But they were closer emotionally and I felt safe doing so. Should I take a chance and just try not care? I understand that everyone has different comfort levels with this kind of stuff. I guess this is where my comfort is at (discomfort disclosing).

She sounds quite possibly to be a gossip and I think your instincts were right to put up boundaries.

Good answer that you are looking for volunteer work, that deflected her nosy questioning.

It really is none of her business and you certainly should not feel you have to disclose you are on disability. Honestly I know I would feel like you do too, I think you are having a normal reaction to her nosiness.

A friend of mine has a nosy neighbour who she secretly calls Miss Marples behind her back (Miss Marples is an old lady detective character in the UK). If you can maybe have a little smile to yourself about this neighbour's nosiness.

I am thinking about her feelings. And that maybe she will understand more if I say "I'm on disability." and stop asking, too. But I don't know. I am not sure what to do in that respect. This isn't the old days anymore where people don't all have the same employment situation. Some people don't get that.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

She sounds quite possibly to be a gossip and I think your instincts were right to put up boundaries.

Good answer that you are looking for volunteer work, that deflected her nosy questioning.

It really is none of her business and you certainly should not feel you have to disclose you are on disability. Honestly I know I would feel like you do too, I think you are having a normal reaction to her nosiness.

A friend of mine has a nosy neighbour who she secretly calls Miss Marples behind her back (Miss Marples is an old lady detective character in the UK). If you can maybe have a little smile to yourself about this neighbour's nosiness.

Thank you Prefab! I wrote my response down below yours before I saw you replied.

That's sweet of you to think of her feelings but it really is none of her business and she should maybe be a bit more sensitive to your feelings too.

I am volunteering/looking for volunteer position seems a fair reply to me for neighbourly chit chat. Disclosing your personal situation should only be done when you feel ready and trust that person.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

That's sweet of you to think of her feelings but it really is none of her business and she should maybe be a bit more sensitive to your feelings too.

I am volunteering/looking for volunteer position seems a fair reply to me for neighbourly chit chat. Disclosing your personal situation should only be done when you feel ready and trust that person.

Thank you!!!!!! I appreciate this and your first response very much.

[cool09]

I don't tell people I'm on disability. I made the mistake of telling my landlord who talks an awful lot and he spread it around the neighborhood. Now I'm afraid to show my face.

Originally Posted by cool09

I don't tell people I'm on disability. I made the mistake of telling my landlord who talks an awful lot and he spread it around the neighborhood. Now I'm afraid to show my face.

Cool09, I am so sorry that your landlord did this. I am sorry to hear you are afraid to show your face! I hope you know you're not alone or the only person on disability. Perhaps there are even others in your complex on disability.

It should not be something to be ashamed of. Regardless, it's a personal issue and no one's business. I am not going to tell nosy woman.

[TishaBuv]

She probably keeps asking about the job search because that’s all she knows about you and doesn’t know what else to say. She’s not too tactful. If you tell her you’re on disability, she’ll keep asking you how’s the disability going. It’s all none of her business. I’d keep telling her I don’t want to talk about it. Eventually she’ll get the hint. Or answer her with something totally different like you’ve seen a good movie lately, giving her something new to talk about.

I am not thinking she is a gossip. It occurs to me that she is either lonely, or genuinely interested in your welfare.

I feel unsettled too when people ask about work or what I do. It is a common question to ask. It is a indication the person is sincerely interested in knowing you better. I tell them I am on stress leave. As anxiety is the biggest reason I am not working this isn't too far from the truth. On rare occasions people have pressed further. I simply tell them, "Look, I have Depression and Anxiety issues and am unable to work. Maybe one day I will return."

I have never encountered difficulty or cause for embarrassment in such situations. On the contrary, the individuals react with quite a caring attitude.

[FallDuskTrain]

May be she is desperately lonely and is craving for real human connection. She might not be good at approaching personal relationships and thus coming off wrong by asking you about the one thing she knows about you. Of course, you have no obligation to talk to her about it. I usually tell people “that is my least fav subject to talk about”. And I use this sentence quite generously, almost about anything i don’t feel comfortable talking.
I am suggesting this because I too was judged as being “weird” (not gossipy) because I was getting too personal with people by asking questions. I was craving (and still do) close human connections and that was clouding my vision and hence my social behavior was making others question my intentions. My only intention, however, was to connect.

[seesaw]

Yeah, the other thing you could do is just say "oh, it's fine" and then change the subject. Sometimes people from that generation don't understand the boundary (in my experience) and if you just keep changing the subject and give her no information, she'll figure out that it's not a topic of discussion.

I don't think you need to go into detail. And I don't think you need to justify anything to her. You could always figure out a line that works for you. I have had to do this a lot, it's not a lie, just the response I give to questions that come up often. Like when people ask what my disability is, and I just say, you know that's personal and I don't like talking about it. And they leave it alone.

So you could always figure out what your go-to response will be. Honestly, I would just keep changing the subject and if she won't drop it say you don't want to discuss it. If she won't stop, you walk away. You don't owe anyone any discussion or justification of anything.

One "line" you could use is that the job search is fine, you're considering different opportunities, and right now focusing on volunteering to help you narrow down your interests. And then leave it at that. If you actually wanted to have an easy answer to get you out of it.

Hi Everyone. Thanks for all your responses!

I also get the feeling that she is benevolent (and a gossip). Well meaning, and wanting to know me, and curious (and really, nosy, with poor boundaries). Though she certainly is curious about one particular thing (my employment status). But also I do not trust her. I just don't. I feel quite bristled by these work questions. She is quite social actually. She is with people all the time and I hear her loud voice all the time saying hello to our neighbors, who stop to talk to her: The ones who smoke, I think, actually, who she complained about to me. Perhaps she is just flawed, like the rest of us. Something IS telling me not to discuss this with her, and I know I have that right. I do wish I was more comfortable talking about my situation of disability with strangers. But I am not, and I will not push myself. My problem today was that I froze when she asked me about it. She doesn't seem to have the insight that she is making me uncomfortable. I like FallDuskRain's comment "it's my least favorite topic." I will probably say "it's boring and I don't like to talk about it "next time. I'm not good at always switching the subject though. I sometimes just freeze and cannot think of anything to say except to answer the person's questions.

[hvert]

I also liked FallDuskTrain's phrase a lot and would combine it with a subject change. Maybe practice saying, "Thanks, that's my least favorite subject. How's your X?" Hopefully she has kids or grandkids or a dog or something.

I get a gossip vibe based on what you've posted. It's not necessarily malicious, she just sounds curious.

[Wild Coyote]

Great thread!

I used to hate that question, especially the first few years I was on disability. I'd starting observing in social situations and saw that almost everyone asks others this question about career/occupation. This observation made me feel a little better. It took a few years for me to feel comfortable with being disabled. In time, it became easier to share my disabled status. Yet, it's always wise to consider who is asking and what their intentions may be.

Now that I often openly share about disability/chronic illness(es), people ask me what I do with my time. (Occupation.) In most cases, they just want to know about my interests and are trying to connect with me.

Many of us go through this, in one way or another.

Lots of helpful suggestions!
Thanks to all participants!


WC

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Great thread!

I used to hate that question, especially the first few years I was on disability. I'd starting observing in social situations and saw that almost everyone asks others this question about career/occupation. This observation made me feel a little better. It took a few years for me to feel comfortable with being disabled. In time, it became easier to share my disabled status. Yet, it's always wise to consider who is asking and what their intentions may be.

Now that I often openly share about disability/chronic illness(es), people ask me what I do with my time. (Occupation.) In most cases, they just want to know about my interests and are trying to connect with me.

Many of us go through this, in one way or another.

Lots of helpful suggestions!
Thanks to all participants!


WC

Yes, when I was on disability, I would say that I had a serious illness and was taking time off of work. And then I would leave it at that. If they asked what, I'd go back to: it's really personal, if you don't mind...

[TheDunce]

Originally Posted by starrysky

Hi Everyone. Thanks for all your responses!

I also get the feeling that she is benevolent (and a gossip). Well meaning, and wanting to know me, and curious (and really, nosy, with poor boundaries). Though she certainly is curious about one particular thing (my employment status). But also I do not trust her. I just don't. I feel quite bristled by these work questions. She is quite social actually. She is with people all the time and I hear her loud voice all the time saying hello to our neighbors, who stop to talk to her: The ones who smoke, I think, actually, who she complained about to me. Perhaps she is just flawed, like the rest of us. Something IS telling me not to discuss this with her, and I know I have that right. I do wish I was more comfortable talking about my situation of disability with strangers. But I am not, and I will not push myself. My problem today was that I froze when she asked me about it. She doesn't seem to have the insight that she is making me uncomfortable. I like FallDuskRain's comment "it's my least favorite topic." I will probably say "it's boring and I don't like to talk about it "next time. I'm not good at always switching the subject though. I sometimes just freeze and cannot think of anything to say except to answer the person's questions.

I'd say trust your instinct. At first, I was thinking she was probably being motherly and caring. But, I tend to be too trusting and then am hurt and disillusioned when someone uses information I gave them against me.

How did this neighbor get the idea you are job searching? Had you told her that at one time? If not, I get the impression she noticed you're home most of the time, so deduced that you're not working and is fishing for some juicy gossip. I have found that people who are overly friendly tend to be big trouble-makers. Yet, I fall into their trap again and again. And I am like you -- when someone brings up a subject I don't want to talk about, my mind turns to mush so I have trouble changing the subject.

I do like some of the suggestions made on the thread for deflecting Nosy Neighbor's inquisitiveness. It's best not to place a burden of guilt on her by saying, "it's none of your business" or "quit asking me that," in my opinion. Rather, focus your response on your feelings as has been suggested in responses like, "it's not my fav subject" or "I don't feel comfortable talking about it." That way, you won't be hurting her feelings but letting her know how you feel about the topic. If she's truly caring, she will be sensitive to your feelings.

I have never been on disability, but am familiar with the attitude some people have toward people on disability. It's one reason I've avoided going on disability despite having a physical disability (structural and mechanical anomalies in my spine) that limits me in what I can do. I've had people walk away from me, abruptly change the subject or sneer at me when I start talking about my disability, and then (on the job) they coerce me into doing physically demanding work (things they don't want to do). Once after going to Voc Rehab a 2nd time because I ended up in such a situation at work, I was telling a friend and she snapped back, "What do you think those people think of you, going to them crying, 'ohh, my back hurts'?"

I've suffered more (irreversible) damage to my spine and other joints as a result of being coerced into doing physically demanding work. Now I'm in constant agonizing pain, have developed additional health problems from pain medications, and am severely depressed. It's unfortunate that people don't understand "invisible" disabilities (oh, but the same people have laughed at the way I walk or how I struggle attempting to do a physical task). At one time, I decided that people were just ignorant and that ignorance begets malice. Finally, I concluded that it's the other way around: people choose to remain ignorant because it gives them an excuse to be malicious.

Maybe I'm just cynical, but I do think you should trust your instinct about Nosy Neighbor. She may be bored and looking for excitement by creating dissonance among her neighbors.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by starrysky

There's a woman in my apartment complex who is quite friendly. She's older. Around 60s. She used to always ask me "how my job search was coming" and "did you find a job yet?" It was incredibly uncomfortable for me. One time over the winter, she asked, and I was assertive. I put up a boundary. I said "No, and I'm not talking about it to people." I was so proud of myself, and she'd left me alone about it since.

Today, we were both in the laundry room together, and we chatted a little. I think it's fine to be friendly with her even though I put up that boundary (I've since made it a point to be friendly w/ her while not discussing my job). But she asked me. "So any word on the job front? how's that going?" I just felt so awkward. I froze. I sometimes want to just say "I'm on disability." But part of me, doesn't want people knowing that. I get this feeling from her that she might be a gossip. I don't know. I thought I'd heard her talking about me once briefly in the hallway. She has a loud voice, and was out in the hall. She has also complained to me about the people in the apartment who smoke, which I felt like was tacky to complain about. We were right in front of the complex, and people could have walked out and heard us. If she talks about them. Maybe she'd talk about me and tell people in the complex I don't know that I am on disability.

There's a huge part of me, that just wishes I was normal. I wish I COULD talk about my life with this person. But I am not comfortable. And I am not normal. And it is none of her business. I literally froze when she said that to me today, and was just like "no, I'm looking for volunteer work." I was so uncomfortable and ended up leaving the conversation. She didn't even seem to get that I was uncomfortable.

I was going to ask here, what people think about disclosing disability to people. But the truth of the matter is, I am not comfortable, and I want to respect my feelings. I think it's ok to keep putting that boundary up. Perhaps it is sad that, if I were "normal," and had a job, we might have a different, more friendly on my part relationship. But this is the reality. Should I back off from being so friendly with her? I think I might. I feel like I need to protect myself.

What do you think? Am I doing the right thing? I'm not sure how to get more comfortable disclosing my disability. I have to some people. But they were closer emotionally and I felt safe doing so. Should I take a chance and just try not care? I understand that everyone has different comfort levels with this kind of stuff. I guess this is where my comfort is at (discomfort disclosing).

Have you considered asking her, "Can we talk about something else?," when she brings up your job, or just changing the topic? What does she LIKE to talk about? Does she have hobbies? What are her passions?