I am so upset right now. I need validation big time.

A neighbor of mine (a guy, in his 50s or 60s) who I barely know, but that I've been friendly with said hello today to me from his balcony. I left soon after, but sent him a text saying that I thought it was nice that he's cleaning up for earth day, and to have a good day (I'd been sort of abrupt in our IRL conversation and felt guilty). He sent me back a text, that said something like this: "thanks miss starry!" He also referred to me as "kiddo," (I'm almost 35), and said "Love you. Uncle _____ ." I didn't think it was a mis-text. Because he referred to me by name, and also called me "kiddo" when he saw me today. I just thought it was really weird he'd say "love you" even just as a joke, as we barely know each other. Just as a backstory, too, the very first time I met him, he told me his job company is hiring (he'd asked what I do, I said I'm unemployed), and that he'd be a reference for me. It was weird because that was literally like, I mean, I didn't know the guy. He didn't know me. Anyway, his text today just really took me by surprise and weirded me out.

Anyway. I told my mom what happened with the text today. Big mistake. She said "well maybe he just thinks of you as a niece." I was pissed. SO pissed. I am so pissed at her I am deciding not to go to a family function today. I need time away. This is serious. If anyone knows my backstory, or has seen my posts in Arbie's thread about being invalidated by one's mother, you will know that my mom has said the most invalidating things to me my whole life. I am so sick of it its not even funny. Its sickening to me. I guess I broke today. If this doesn't seem like a big deal to someone else, I don't care. It's a huge deal to me. I cannot deal with my mom's invalidation anymore. And I think I need to set some sort of boundary, for myself, with her. And stick to it. It's hard because she's so nice, and we are close. But this is always going to be the way she is. And I think it'd be really healthy for me to find a way to back away from her.

What kind of boundary should I set with her? I think that not telling her things that I know will bother me if she doesn't validate, is a good start. Why that's so hard, I don't know. Because today, for instance, I was like, in my head "don't tell her. don't tell her." But I told her, and then I got hurt.

[healingme4me]

I am not sure what to say about your mom. I'm still mentally envisioning this cradle robbing role play of this neighbor...

[Medusax]

It would take me two pages to explain the way my mom was, but I feel you. She treated most things about me like they were nothing.

[Open Eyes]

Both of the situations you shared in your post did not show respect for your boundaries and feelings are part of one's boundaries. This neighbor was being too forward with his response to you, especially when he said "Love you" because that relationship is basically just an acquaintance. And responding in calling you "kiddo" can actually be considered improper in that you are no longer a "kid". It's one thing to be neighborly, and just be nice and considerate, yet, his response really did not fall in the line of simply being "friendly" and it's understandable you would feel the way you do.

When it comes to your mother, her response of "oh don't let that bother you", simply did not respect your feelings and no one likes to be told not have their feelings and that might be a habit of your mother's that tends to bother you. She could have validated that "yes" that man's response to you was not proper and it's understandable that you are uncomfortable with it.

I call grown people 'kiddo' all the time. Suggest the neighbour meant nothing other than to be friendly. Perhaps you are trying to read into this something that doesn't exist at all. I am sorry that you and your mom are at odds and that it is affecting your ability to attend the function. Perhaps, when things cool off you might discuss it. As for the neighbour, avoid texting him.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I am not sure what to say about your mom. I'm still mentally envisioning this cradle robbing role play of this neighbor...

Right? Lol

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I call grown people 'kiddo' all the time. Suggest the neighbour meant nothing other than to be friendly. Perhaps you are trying to read into this something that doesn't exist at all. I am sorry that you and your mom are at odds and that it is affecting your ability to attend the function. Perhaps, when things cool off you might discuss it. As for the neighbour, avoid texting him.

Do you also tell people via text you just met that you love them? You're response was so unhelpful.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Both of the situations you shared in your post did not show respect for your boundaries and feelings are part of one's boundaries. This neighbor was being too forward with his response to you, especially when he said "Love you" because that relationship is basically just an acquaintance. And responding in calling you "kiddo" can actually be considered improper in that you are no longer a "kid". It's one thing to be neighborly, and just be nice and considerate, yet, his response really did not fall in the line of simply being "friendly" and it's understandable you would feel the way you do.

When it comes to your mother, her response of "oh don't let that bother you", simply did not respect your feelings and no one likes to be told not have their feelings and that might be a habit of your mother's that tends to bother you. She could have validated that "yes" that man's response to you was not proper and it's understandable that you are uncomfortable with it.

Thank you so much Open Eyes.

Originally Posted by Medusax

It would take me two pages to explain the way my mom was, but I feel you. She treated most things about me like they were nothing.

I need to say something. I don't know if my post, because I am angry in it, makes it seem like I shouldn't be validated, or that there's no need for my feelings or upsets. But I did need to be validated. The reason I was upset was because I wasn't by my mother. And literally, I have quite a complicated relationship with her because of her constant invalidation (and disinterest and emotional neglect) ever since I was a kid. I care about her (and I feel sad that I did not go to the function today). But I'm reading a book right now about boundaries, and its opening my eyes. It is harder to let things roll off my back sometimes, when I read things like this. It would have been upsetting anyway for her to do this. But I think I might be at a turning point with this. Invalidating and unempathic language is triggering for me. Stepping away.

[divine1966]

Probably silly question but how did this neighbour got your phone number? None of my neutghbours have my number. That would freak me out

I am sorry your mom invalidates you

I have a colleague who calls me kiddo and he is younger than me. He is extremely obnoxious, if it explains anything

[seesaw]

I totally validate your feelings, Starrysky!

I have had a neighbor once refer to me as "kid" or "kiddo" and it was entirely to denigrate me. He was threatened by me because I had income and education in my mid-30s, and he was in his mid-50s, was a raging alcoholic, taking care of (or abusing, if you ask me) his dying mother, and hadn't held down a job in a decade, and couldn't hold one down before that either.

He would do light housekeeping for my other neighbor who I would have coffee with every morning, to earn a few dollars, and he would call me "kid," to which I would tell him not to call me that. I was not his friend, I did not have any relationship with him, and I was disgusted with how he would hit his poor, dying mother (dying of cancer).

The only time someone has called me "kid" and it hasn't been offensive was when I was dating my boyfriend who was 16 years older than me and we would jokingly call each other "old man" and "kid." But obviously we were very close and intimate, so it was lighthearted joking.

I say "I love you" to friends, but it sounds like he is not a close friend. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to change your feelings. Feelings aren't wrong. They are just feelings.

It sounds like your mother just blew you off when you needed someone to talk to about it. I'm sorry she can't be there for you. I think, maybe, it's something you are going to have to expect with her, that she simply cannot validate you or give you the support you need.

Your feelings are valid though. I think, like me, there must be something about you that makes people think they can be very friendly or overly familiar with you when they don't really know you. I don't know if I have just an overly friendly face or something...

PM if me you need to. I'm here.

Seesaw

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I need to say something. I don't know if my post, because I am angry in it, makes it seem like I shouldn't be validated, or that there's no need for my feelings or upsets. But I did need to be validated. The reason I was upset was because I wasn't by my mother. And literally, I have quite a complicated relationship with her because of her constant invalidation (and disinterest and emotional neglect) ever since I was a kid. I care about her (and I feel sad that I did not go to the function today). But I'm reading a book right now about boundaries, and its opening my eyes. It is harder to let things roll off my back sometimes, when I read things like this. It would have been upsetting anyway for her to do this. But I think I might be at a turning point with this. Invalidating and unempathic language is triggering for me. Stepping away.

starrysky, when it comes to reading books about boundaries and neglect, it's important to consider how often a parent's responses and behaviors are not intentional. Often what a mother/parent "thinks" good parenting is about is actually telling a child "not" to feel and to show the child how they themselves refuse to be upset. Parents can chant "don't cry, don't be angry, don't let that bother you, ignore it and "just" without really realizing that a child really has to be allowed to feel their feelings, that the parent's nurturing actually includes helping a child sit with their feelings, acknowledge what these feelings mean, as well as have comfort to do just that. This is part of what leads to how so many don't really KNOW how to sit with and comfort a friend as they sort through challenging feelings or when they see someone upset. So, your mother doesn't sit with you and actually "listen" and consider "your" feelings and as you mentioned, this is an ongoing challenge you have with her. Unfortunately, this is one of the big reasons people get so they need "therapy" and a therapist's training is about how to sit with a patient while that patient sorts through what could be YEARS of stuffed and unresolved "feelings". Sadly, many people who reach out for therapy actually talk about feeling ashamed of their feelings and fear being judged badly by the therapist.

Your neighbor? Well, he probably was just trying to be nice, but he overstepped his boundaries not only being too nice, but also saying things that are truly inappropriate to say to an acquaintance. Actually, being too friendly like that can easily make someone feel uncomfortable in that maybe this guy is a "creep" that can get a lot more friendly than one feels comfortable with. Unfortunately, some people genuinely don't understand that getting to friendly like that is not really respecting another persons social boundaries, it's simply too pushy and suggesting more emotional connect than a person is comfortable having.

Update: I did some self care, and I also went to the end of the family thing and saw my mom and played with my cousins.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. I'm still reading through them. I skimmed so far, and just wanna say, the part about him calling me "kiddo," while I was like, "hm, ok." It didn't weird me out as much as his text message, which just felt really over the line even if just joking. I dunno. I was mostly though, upset with the way my mom responded to me and I don't know why I had such a strong reaction today. She does it a lot. But I don't know why I was so upset today. Coming on here and venting, is a form of self care for me, too. Perhaps I should come on here and talk about certain stuff before I talk to her. Ps: Divine, I read yours. He had given me his number when he was telling me about his job place having openings. He said to contact him if I had any questions and I texted him with a thank you, so he had my number. I felt ok doing that. That was a while ago. Like maybe 3 or 4 months ago.

Originally Posted by seesaw

I totally validate your feelings, Starrysky!

I have had a neighbor once refer to me as "kid" or "kiddo" and it was entirely to denigrate me. He was threatened by me because I had income and education in my mid-30s, and he was in his mid-50s, was a raging alcoholic, taking care of (or abusing, if you ask me) his dying mother, and hadn't held down a job in a decade, and couldn't hold one down before that either.

He would do light housekeeping for my other neighbor who I would have coffee with every morning, to earn a few dollars, and he would call me "kid," to which I would tell him not to call me that. I was not his friend, I did not have any relationship with him, and I was disgusted with how he would hit his poor, dying mother (dying of cancer).

The only time someone has called me "kid" and it hasn't been offensive was when I was dating my boyfriend who was 16 years older than me and we would jokingly call each other "old man" and "kid." But obviously we were very close and intimate, so it was lighthearted joking.

I say "I love you" to friends, but it sounds like he is not a close friend. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to change your feelings. Feelings aren't wrong. They are just feelings.

It sounds like your mother just blew you off when you needed someone to talk to about it. I'm sorry she can't be there for you. I think, maybe, it's something you are going to have to expect with her, that she simply cannot validate you or give you the support you need.

Your feelings are valid though. I think, like me, there must be something about you that makes people think they can be very friendly or overly familiar with you when they don't really know you. I don't know if I have just an overly friendly face or something...

PM if me you need to. I'm here.

Seesaw

Hey Seesaw. Thanks. Yes, ok so I can relate to what you're saying, because when I worked at a library right after college, some of my coworkers started calling me a variation of my name that was silly sounding, but I didn't like it. I was so shy and let it slide for a few months before I said "please don't call me that." Which I felt was so hard to say. They did stop though. Another time, recently, this guy who is a client like I am at my therapists office, called me "sweetheart," and "honey," things like that. I corrected him before. He "Forgot" sometimes, and I started avoiding him and eye contact, etc. so he wouldn't talk to me anymore. Anyway, I am just saying that I can relate to really disliking a name someone gives you. I think it's kind of presumptuous to call someone a certain name, even a nickname, if they haven't given you permission. It's a boundary violation and completely disrespectful if they keep doing it. I'm sorry that guy called you kiddo. It sounds like from what you say, that he was a jerk anyway. I'm not sure where I stand on being called that, to be honest. It feels endearing but at the same time, belittling.

I call my little 7 year old cousin "kid," sometimes, and it feels endearing, to me, but maybe I should stop. She's never corrected me, except once when I called her "honey," and she said "don't call me names." Lol... It's just got me thinking now.

I think, maybe, it's something you are going to have to expect with her, that she simply cannot validate you or give you the support you need.

Thank you so so much for saying this. Yes, I know. It helps to rehear it though from someone else. It's something I'm going to have to lovingly drill into myself. I don't want to hold it against her, because I think she cares. In her own way. Thank you.

Your feelings are valid though.

Thank you.

I think, like me, there must be something about you that makes people think they can be very friendly or overly familiar with you when they don't really know you. I don't know if I have just an overly friendly face or something...

Hehe, I don't know. I think sometimes people are just weird. O_o I run into all sorts of different types of people sometimes.

I don't see neighbor guy as a threat. Just so people know. I think maybe he...maybe he doesn't have good social skills or something? I don't know. I won't diagnose or assume. I just am not scared. Was just taken aback today lol.

Thanks Seesaw

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

starrysky, when it comes to reading books about boundaries and neglect, it's important to consider how often a parent's responses and behaviors are not intentional. Often what a mother/parent "thinks" good parenting is about is actually telling a child "not" to feel and to show the child how they themselves refuse to be upset. Parents can chant "don't cry, don't be angry, don't let that bother you, ignore it and "just" without really realizing that a child really has to be allowed to feel their feelings, that the parent's nurturing actually includes helping a child sit with their feelings, acknowledge what these feelings mean, as well as have comfort to do just that. This is part of what leads to how so many don't really KNOW how to sit with and comfort a friend as they sort through challenging feelings or when they see someone upset. So, your mother doesn't sit with you and actually "listen" and consider "your" feelings and as you mentioned, this is an ongoing challenge you have with her. Unfortunately, this is one of the big reasons people get so they need "therapy" and a therapist's training is about how to sit with a patient while that patient sorts through what could be YEARS of stuffed and unresolved "feelings". Sadly, many people who reach out for therapy actually talk about feeling ashamed of their feelings and fear being judged badly by the therapist.

Your neighbor? Well, he probably was just trying to be nice, but he overstepped his boundaries not only being too nice, but also saying things that are truly inappropriate to say to an acquaintance. Actually, being too friendly like that can easily make someone feel uncomfortable in that maybe this guy is a "creep" that can get a lot more friendly than one feels comfortable with. Unfortunately, some people genuinely don't understand that getting to friendly like that is not really respecting another persons social boundaries, it's simply too pushy and suggesting more emotional connect than a person is comfortable having.

Thanks for your thoughtful response, Open Eyes.

Will start with the neighbor. Yeah, it was inappropriate of him. I'm not holding it against him. But honestly, I was a little interested in getting to know him, and I thought he was kind of sweet, so I think this kind of changes how I feel.

And about my mom. Yes, thank you for reminding me that my mom's behaviors are not intentional (she tells me that too, lol, which, I'm kind of poking at her here, because that in and of itself feels invalidating, but I don't feel invalidated by what you said so no problems). But yeah, this is only part of why I love her and care about her. Because she cares. And she tries too. I think that she is just not capable of giving me what I need in these types of situations, and it's ok. I mean, it triggers me when it happens, so really, it's my problem. I don't want to make her be anyone else she isn't, and I don't want to be angry or controlling with her. I would really like to set a boundary for myself. And not tell her so much, especially if I'm seeking validation. I want to still be around her, too. I am going to talk about this is therapy. It's a good topic.

I have a similar issue with my mom, she helpfully reminded me there may be better candidates at my interview so not to feel bad if I didn't get the job. She means well too but it's hard shrugging that off isn't it.

I think the best thing is compassion, realise they don't mean harm and it's just how they are.

As for the neighbour, that was way out of line but sounds like you are handling it okay.

[Shazerac]

I would kind of weirded out by that text. The good news is that you were reading a book about boundaries and so you’re hyper aware of when they are crossed. That’s normal and you will get more comfortable with protecting your boundaries as time passes.

As far as validation and your mother. I can see how you would get pissed off. However I hope you get to a place where you won’t seek validation from someone you know is incapable of giving it to you.

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I would kind of weirded out by that text. The good news is that you were reading a book about boundaries and so you’re hyper aware of when they are crossed. That’s normal and you will get more comfortable with protecting your boundaries as time passes.

As far as validation and your mother. I can see how you would get pissed off. However I hope you get to a place where you won’t seek validation from someone you know is incapable of giving it to you.

I appreciate this all. Thank you.