[Olive303]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I want kids, he doesn't.

We have talked about our future in depth. At first I was barley an adult and didn't know what I wanted. But as our relationship has progressed and I am growing up I realized that YES I do want kids.

He has never been keen on the idea. At first he said he didn't want them because of health issues he didn't want to pass down. Then we agreed to adopt or just have 1 kid. He has gone back and forth since and now he said that he 100% does not and will not want kids.

We are at the point where either I agree to give up on my idea of being a mother, or we part ways.

I know that he is the love of my life and I do not want to be with anyone else. I can't imagine a life without him in it. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I do not love easily and may not find anyone I want kids with. I know that he will always have part of my heart so it seems unfair to be with someone else.

However, I try to imagine a childless life and it just feels a bit empty. He said that he knows I will feel sad and regretful of not having kids- I agree. But I will feel sad and regretful if we broke up.

I know we can have a nice life together but I am very prone to loneliness and I like the idea of filling my life with family.


Has anyone been through this who has any words of wisdom for me?

Has anyone had kids and regretted it or not had kids and regretted it? Or not had kids and lived a very fulfilled life?

I've not had kids (through choice), to be fair I'm not in a relationship either (again, through choice) and my substitute "family" are pets

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by whispershadow

I've not had kids (through choice), to be fair I'm not in a relationship either (again, through choice) and my substitute "family" are pets

If we end up together we would definitely have dogs and lots of plants!

Not having kids was a CHOICE for you so maybe that is why it can be fulfilling. Do you ever regret it? or wish you had kids?

I am wondering if it is something that I am doing FOR someone else- to stay with my boyfriend- if it will feel as fulfilling?

Originally Posted by Olive303

If we end up together we would definitely have dogs and lots of plants!

Not having kids was a CHOICE for you so maybe that is why it can be fulfilling. Do you ever regret it? or wish you had kids?

I am wondering if it is something that I am doing FOR someone else- to stay with my boyfriend- if it will feel as fulfilling?

Personally, I don't regret not having kids, I found having pets around helps me much better than having kids around

My personal feelings though is I can't deal with kids anyways, if I spend longer than a couple of hours round them it sends my anxiety into a severe tailspin and I need to physically remove myself from where the kids are in order to calm down

What you need to do is decide for yourself which is more important: staying with someone who doesn't want kids or having kids? Have you explained to your boyfriend how important it is for you to have kids?

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by whispershadow

Personally, I don't regret not having kids, I found having pets around helps me much better than having kids around

My personal feelings though is I can't deal with kids anyways, if I spend longer than a couple of hours round them it sends my anxiety into a severe tailspin and I need to physically remove myself from where the kids are in order to calm down

What you need to do is decide for yourself which is more important: staying with someone who doesn't want kids or having kids? Have you explained to your boyfriend how important it is for you to have kids?

Yes, he knows how important it is to me. He was willing to have kids at first and even spent some time babysitting and working with kids at his clinic to see what it would be like. He concluded it was exhausting and he would never want that 24/7.

I have never spent long periods of time with children, never had kids in the family (other than when I was a kid). I babysat a few times when I was a teen but that's really it. I don't particularly ENJOY spending time with kids but i want them for the idea of having a strong family unit. But I don't know if the day to day of taking care of them and the financial burden will truly make me happy.

What about them gives you anxiety?

If you've never spent much time with kids, can you be absolutely certain you'll cope with them being around 24/7? If you have kids then decide it's not the lifestyle you want to lead, it would be unfair on the kid to then give him or her away like you'd give away an unwanted item of furniture or something

For me, I think my anxiety around kids stems back to never having had many friends, most of the kids I knew bullied me and didn't want anything to do with me, with only a few exceptions

[graystreet]

I'm a woman and am 100% sure I don't want kids. It would be a deal breaker for me to be in a relationship with someone who was sure they wanted children. I mean, if they already have kids, that's one thing (because the guys I've dated usually don't have full custody). But, no. That's a huge life change and I think both people need to be on the same page.

That's just my 2 cents.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by whispershadow

If you've never spent much time with kids, can you be absolutely certain you'll cope with them being around 24/7? If you have kids then decide it's not the lifestyle you want to lead, it would be unfair on the kid to then give him or her away like you'd give away an unwanted item of furniture or something

For me, I think my anxiety around kids stems back to never having had many friends, most of the kids I knew bullied me and didn't want anything to do with me, with only a few exceptions

I am not absolutely certain I will cope with them 24/7. I have that strong inner desire to have kids but I am taking a step back to see if I CAN do it and be happy. I know I will be a very good parent and always take care of them but I wonder which lifestyle can make me happier.

I have a partner who loves me and we can have a happy life together- live comfortably, travel, ect. But for me personally it seems empty without a family. For him he's perfectly content with me being his family.

It makes sense why you wouldn't want to be around them. Kids can be incredibly cruel- to each other and adults. I'm sorry you got bullied.

[Shazerac]

It really comes down to whether or not kids is a deal breaker for you. You need to do some serious soul searching on this. It would not be fair to your boyfriend to build a life together while secretly hoping he will “change his mind someday.”

The thing is that a couple can compromise between 2 or 3 children. But there is no compromise between 0 and 1.

Many decades ago I ended up divorcing my husband because he kept pressuring me to have a baby. I had married with the express intention that I was NOT going to have more children. This was my second marriage. I had kids he didn’t.

He eventually remarried and has 2 adorable daughters. He’s happy and I’m happy for him. But I’m really glad I stood my ground.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by graystreet

I'm a woman and am 100% sure I don't want kids. It would be a deal breaker for me to be in a relationship with someone who was sure they wanted children. I mean, if they already have kids, that's one thing (because the guys I've dated usually don't have full custody). But, no. That's a huge life change and I think both people need to be on the same page.

That's just my 2 cents.

As someone who does not want kids- how would you feel if your partner wanted kids and they gave that up to be with you?

We worry that if I give it up to be with him that I will feel regret which will turn into resentment towards him.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

It really comes down to whether or not kids is a deal breaker for you. You need to do some serious soul searching on this. It would not be fair to your boyfriend to build a life together while secretly hoping he will “change his mind someday.”

The thing is that a couple can compromise between 2 or 3 children. But there is no compromise between 0 and 1.

Many decades ago I ended up divorcing my husband because he kept pressuring me to have a baby. I had married with the express intention that I was NOT going to have more children. This was my second marriage. I had kids he didn’t.

He eventually remarried and has 2 adorable daughters. He’s happy and I’m happy for him. But I’m really glad I stood my ground.

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with you completely. If I decide to marry him that means I have accepted that I will absolutely never have children.

As someone who has at least another decade of good childbearing age left it is hard to make that decision now, but he wants a decision now.

I want to soul search more and see what it truly is about having kids that I am so drawn to. I think it is partially to curb the loneliness and feel fulfilled. To fulfill this idea of a family I have in my head, and because i just have that strong inner pull. I'm not sure if those are good enough reasons to give up something I have right in front of me.

Freeze your eggs. Seriously. I wish I had. Went through the menopause early. While you're in the clinic, get some healthy checks to see if it'd be OK to be a mom. Then spend some time around babies and with children, and talk to their parents. Yes, it's exhausting. But the drive to have kids is strong too. Then make a decision based on facts about your life. Not just opinions from other people. FWIW I felt incapable of having a relationship, never mind a family; and now I'm a lot older and things are drawing to a close, I regret not trying harder. Good luck with your journey.

[divine1966]

I wouldn’t give up wanting to have kids. Having kids means more to me than having a man. I could always find another man.

And if a man wanted kids and I didn’t, I would not expect him to give that up to be with me.

There are ton of nice people out there who would be a better match. Life is too short to stay with people who don’t share the same dream. If you are still in age when you can have your own kids or adopt, I recommend you consider that a priority, if having children is important to you. Don’t give that up for having a boyfriend.

And I am sorry, don’t want to offend anyone, and I appreciate pets. But it’s not the same as having children

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I wouldn’t give up wanting to have kids. Having kids means more to me than having a man. I could always find another man.

And if a man wanted kids and I didn’t, I would not expect him to give that up to be with me.

There are ton of nice people out there who would be a better match. Life is too short to stay with people who don’t share the same dream. If you are still in age when you can have your own kids or adopt, I recommend you consider that a priority, if having children is important to you. Don’t give that up for having a boyfriend.

And I am sorry, don’t want to offend anyone, and I appreciate pets. But it’s not the same as having children

I could see that but I am someone who has a extremely difficult time connecting with people, especially romantically. I don't see it as "I can just find another" because I want THIS man. I want to spend my life with HIM specifically. So whichever way I chose it will be a great loss. It's hard weighing a actual situation against a hypothetical- not everyone loves being a mom- I may not.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by Olive303

As someone who does not want kids- how would you feel if your partner wanted kids and they gave that up to be with you?

We worry that if I give it up to be with him that I will feel regret which will turn into resentment towards him.

I don't know that I would expect them to give that up to be with me. I would think that, at some point, they would grow to resent me for it. Like I said, that is a huge life decision. I want to travel, and would resent a partner who didn't want to travel with me. I love animals (I mean, not having cats is sort of a deal breaker since I've had them--not the same ones--for almost 40 years and am not giving mine up for a man) and I would resent a partner who didn't want them. This is a far bigger thing than both of those combined. It is on par with religion or like, the decision to get married or just live as life partners.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by graystreet

I don't know that I would expect them to give that up to be with me. I would think that, at some point, they would grow to resent me for it. Like I said, that is a huge life decision. I want to travel, and would resent a partner who didn't want to travel with me. I love animals (I mean, not having cats is sort of a deal breaker since I've had them--not the same ones--for almost 40 years and am not giving mine up for a man) and I would resent a partner who didn't want them. This is a far bigger thing than both of those combined. It is on par with religion or like, the decision to get married or just live as life partners.

You are right, we worry about that as well. If I want kids now I imagine at some point my childless life will feel empty. He does not want me to give that up for him and worries I will feel resentment but ultimately has put the ball in my court. I wonder if that desire to have kids ever goes away?

[Bill3]

You could try visualizing if you have not already done this.

Visualize yourself when there are families with young children all around you. How do you feel? How do you feel about him?

Visualize yourself in thirty or forty years: no adult children around, no grandchildren, no fond memories of caring for kids. How do you feel? How do you feel about him?

Visualize yourself traveling, which you love, but never seeing the sights through the eyes of a child, always alone with him. How do you feel? How do you feel about him?

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by divine1966

And I am sorry, don’t want to offend anyone, and I appreciate pets. But it’s not the same as having children

Oh, for sure it isn't. This is why I have pets.

I don't hate kids at all, and I've had that baby fever before, especially when I hold a little baby, especially when I smell their little head (it's biological--we're supposed to feel that way when we smell them). I just know that I wouldn't be the kind of mother a child needs, and I had a terrible mother, so...yeah. That, and I want to experience different things in life than being a mother. Probably because my mother made it seem like such a hellacious experience for her (which, rationally, I know it's not) that I never got that desire firmly implanted in me. If that all makes sense.

How like a woman to feel she has to explain her lack of desire to have children, as if she's letting society down somehow. I guess it's not really that big a deal. There were people who made me feel guilty for it in my early 20s, and I tend to still have some guilt.

[carcrashonrepeat]

I've just become okay accepting that I do not want children. As expressed already, being around a child for too long makes me feel incredibly anxious.

When I was with my last long-term relationship, I wanted to have kids. But I did out of unhealthy reasons, mainly to make my ex happy. This was in spite of the fact that he didn't always treat me well. I have a tendency to conform to whatever the other person wants just so they can stay. He wanted a big family. Okay, so did I, although it was obvious that I wasn't comfortable around children at all. Imagine if I'd gotten pregnant, UGH!

I like my life without children. Plus Ive spent most of my twenties consumed by symptoms of mental illness. It's only been about 7 months since I realized something was terribly wrong with me and I needed help. I feel like a newborn baby myself lol so having a child anytime soon would just feel wrong.

If my partner wanted to have children, then I personally don't know if it would work out. I wouldn't want them to feel like they're missing out on something they really want. I'd like to think we could be friends. I'd be supportive of their choice and I'd want them to feel the same for me. I just enjoy my freedom and I am developing this new relationship I have with myself. I'd like to share that with someone eventually, but I don't want to share it with children.

With all this being said, if you really want to be a mother and you're prepared to make space and time and have the resources to be a mom, you should totally do it. And you should do it with someone who wants the same thing and sees you as a partner in that unified goal.

[divine1966]

I think people should do what feels right for them. I personally can’t care what society wants. Neither I nor my husband had kids because society expects it. There are ton of people who choose not to have kids. It’s thrur business

When I thought of looking for suitable partner for second marriage, I looked for a specific requirements: divorced or widowed with adult children out of the house (I have strict education and career requirements too but that isn’t the topic here). I was not willing to compromise. I wouldn’t date let alone marry someone with no kids or little kids (as I am done raising my kid and want freedom of enjoying my life/travel etc).

I see no reason to compromise. I’d be perfectly fine single if I didn’t find right person.

We are all different people. If this man is important you and you think you can live without kids, then problem is solved. Just do what feels right.

[healingme4me]

No, I do not regret having kids. I've nurturing instincts, was sort of a given as I progressed into adulthood and entering into marriage. Unfortunately, the marriage did not work out. Certainly raising kids is no walk in the park. I've been able to travel a bit by myself, not quite solo and to travel with the kids. Something that wasn't going to happen, albeit promised, in marriage.

Where have you two already traveled to?

[Raindropvampire]

My husband wanted kids but is sterile so he wanted to adopt. I have known since I was 12 I didn't want kids. He now agrees it was for the best that we never adopted because he couldn't have kept up with a child 24/7. Not to mention the financial burden. I have never once regretted my decision.

i am on the side of having a difference of opinion on child rearing being a deal breaker. Having children and how to raise them is of the utmost importance of agreements in a relationship. I don't believe this is going to work as whichever way you two end up going, one is going to feel resentment; which, is a relationship killer.

BTW my daughter wasted 7 years with a man who when it came down to it (at the very time they were about to send off the wedding invitations) suddenly admitted he didn't want children. She was devastated but I think made the right decision to call it off and move on.

[riptide53]

Originally Posted by Olive303

As someone who does not want kids- how would you feel if your partner wanted kids and they gave that up to be with you?

We worry that if I give it up to be with him that I will feel regret which will turn into resentment towards him.

For me, hindsight has shown that I'd much rather have the love of my life. I set him free decades agoand regret it every day of my life and have never found anyone like him or what we had together. I sure wouldn't want to have kids with someone who might not ever live up to your standards after having had the love of your life. Just saying though...my take.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by riptide53

For me, hindsight has shown that I'd much rather have the love of my life. I set him free decades agoand regret it every day of my life and have never found anyone like him or what we had together. I sure wouldn't want to have kids with someone who might not ever live up to your standards after having had the love of your life. Just saying though...my take.

I can see this.

I act all big and say that I could let someone go who wanted kids when I don't and that it's a deal breaker, but if I finally found someone who treated me like a queen and we fell madly in love after all of the BS I've been through ehhhh I don't know that I'd have the fortitude to let that man go. BUT. It would be a selfish decision on my part because I'd be doing it for myself and not the future children. I know I would not make a good mother. I was a great children's Sunday school teacher, I was a great volunteer in the children's room at Gilda's Club. I am a great babysitter, and children really take to me. But that doesn't compare to being a mother. 24/7, I wouldn't be able to sustain it.

So I guess I still maintain that I'd feel that someone who gave up wanting kids for me would resent me.