[SorryShaped]

Yet another person indirectly accused me of being gay after taking my brother to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym in a few minutes and flatly ask someone why this keeps happening. What about me appears gay? I'm straight. I'm also single and I am also looking. By why? Why am I gay to them? I don't understand this.

[divine1966]

People assume sometimes my husband is gay. Reasons they use are ridiculous. Feminine profession, girly type hobby, not macho etc etc Does it hurt you professionally or otherwise? In what context they say it? “Accusing” implies some kind of wrong doing. It’s not wrong-doing to be gay. It’s just weird they even have the conversation. Do the guys asked you out or something? How does the concentration even start?

[graystreet]

People have assumed I am gay (that autocorrected to “fat” and I’m laughing so hard) for the last 7 years or so. It’s almost as though a straight, single woman in her mid-thirties in West Michigan is either gay or really loves cats.

I just really love cats, OKAY?

For real though, there is nothing about me which says gay. I have gone to gay clubs and get shunned by lesbians. Why? Because they know I’m (mostly) straight. People just assume what they assume, sometimes without rhyme or reason, doesn’t mean everyone thinks you’re gay.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by divine1966

People assume sometimes my husband is gay. Reasons they use are ridiculous. Feminine profession, girly type hobby, not macho etc etc Does it hurt you professionally or otherwise? In what context they say it? “Accusing” implies some kind of wrong doing. It’s not wrong-doing to be gay. It’s just weird they even have the conversation. Do the guys asked you out or something? How does the concentration even start?

I do go to and enjoy very much all the group fitness classes, including Pound, Barre, piyo, yoga, and last night I tried tabata. There's rarely any males in anything but yoga where there's several regulars that are guys. I'm not macho because that seems to be an ego thing and I'm trying to lose that. I'm disabled due to bipolar so I don't work. It does hurt my feelings a little, maybe a lot, and I'm not sure why. Last night I was asked, "that guy in class... Is he your boyfriend, or partner or??? Is he ok?" about my brother whom I got into the gym finally. I've been told blatantly "I think you're gay" by a gay man that was a friend and wanted to be with me but that's not even a thought in my head. The idea of touching another man that way is gross to me just as the idea of exploring every inch of a woman is very much exciting to me. My son is gay though not out to many people, as is my sister who's openly out and married to a woman. It doesn't bother me that anyone is, but I'm not and that's ok too. I have gotten phone numbers in my pocket and called them later to find out they were guys. I've been kissed by a woman I wasn't interested in any more than friends and she immediately accused me of being gay when I didn't respond the way she expected. I tend to hang out with women because guys don't want to discuss feelings, women are quite a bit more intelligent conversationally and women also usually smell better. Though I have to block it out, that intoxicating sweaty girl smell could have me koolaid man my way through an iron wall.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by graystreet

People have assumed I am gay (that autocorrected to “fat” and I’m laughing so hard) for the last 7 years or so. It’s almost as though a straight, single woman in her mid-thirties in West Michigan is either gay or really loves cats.

I just really love cats, OKAY?

For real though, there is nothing about me which says gay. I have gone to gay clubs and get shunned by lesbians. Why? Because they know I’m (mostly) straight. People just assume what they assume, sometimes without rhyme or reason, doesn’t mean everyone thinks you’re gay.

I went to a gay club last year for a drag show with my gay friend I mentioned in another reply. It was a hoot! I did get offered there too and was very flattered even though he was very coked up and very drunk.
Maybe I shouldn't sing along with Rufus Wainwright as I'm working out? He's just so beautifully broken.

[Aviza]

I'm straight but have been hit on by non straight women. I just take it in stride. But as a man it's your job to ask out women you are interested in, if you see any around ask for a number, make a move.

[SorryShaped]

It was a married instructor that accused yesterday. I have no interest in her nor her in me, I hope. There's one woman at the gym I'm so into it's not funny but I'm giving up hope in and another that I like somewhat but when I made a kind-of move yesterday she moved away and didn't stick around even though she asked me to try the tabata class the night before. I'm not going to ask out every woman I see because I'm not a slut nor do I want to date a bunch of women at once. Maybe it's easier for some of these women to say or think I'm gay, because a few PC people have seen pictures of me and say I'm good looking but I feel so suspicious when I hear or read that?
I was so entangled and embroiled in emotions that I drank almost a full pint of 100 proof vodka last night and almost texted my ex (written but not sent because I passed out) and hurt a friend I value intensely's feelings by saying something incredibly stupid. I'm sufficiently hungover, feeling hugely guilty, and a bit self-hating about it all so I don't think I need anyone else's correction on last night's poor choices. I had returns of SA dreams at one point in the night too. Alcohol is stupid. I suppose "non-drinker" needs to go on my list of expectations for a date.

I've battled this for years. But it's the hints that hurt the most. Been married and all that.. I look bad ***, so why?
I think people mistake my kindness for weakness. Meaning, I let a lot of jokes slide.

When I feel someone has "outed" me, I rage into self destruction. The biggest and worst trigger for me.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

[SorryShaped]

I like when someone says to me, "there's nothing wrong with you." I say "thanks for the compliment but now I know you to be completely full of bullshirt."
I didn't see any of the few people I'd trust to ask. I got irate at the nasty s.o.b. that didn't clean the machines. Gross!!!!!
Grabbed a few movies hurriedly from the library on my way home, after the older woman there bugged me far too much. She was wanting someone to talk to or was trying to flirt or whatever but I wasn't up for any of it. I'm home, I'm going to eat, and hopefully shower and do my laundry

Since we are friends I'm gonna say I can kind of see it. You are good looking, dress well, articulate and emotional. I don't think it's an insult. Girls are always asking: why are the great men always gay. Here you are to prove them wrong.

Don't waste your time worrying about that which you can not control. Rock on just the way you are. My two cents.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Since we are friends I'm gonna say I can kind of see it. You are good looking, dress well, articulate and emotional. I don't think it's an insult. Girls are always asking: why are the great men always gay. Here you are to prove them wrong.

Don't waste your time worrying about that which you can not control. Rock on just the way you are. My two cents.

So I should be evil to appear straight? Nah.
I'm great? Somehow, I extrapolated that. Very nice compliment thanks, but I'm not so sure.
I appreciate you for the awesome you are and if you weren't already taken...
...
... You'd accuse me of being gay too so that it would make me mad enough to leave you alone.
It doesn't make me mad. It's upsetting though, in an exasperatedly complex way.
There's an album titled "whatever you say I am, that's what I'm not." I think I need the Arctic Monkeys cover on a shirt or a forehead tattoo

I think you worry too much what other people think. Trust Me, life is a million times better when you don't. I have taken a lot of criticism and I used to let it go to my heart. Now I barely even hear it. If you're interested in a woman, so for it. You are attractive and such an awesome person. That's enough.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I went to a gay club last year for a drag show with my gay friend I mentioned in another reply. It was a hoot! I did get offered there too and was very flattered even though he was very coked up and very drunk.
Maybe I shouldn't sing along with Rufus Wainwright as I'm working out? He's just so beautifully broken.

I think it might be when you sing Lady Gaga, but that's just my observation.

What, didn't you know I'm a "crazy stalker?" That's what I'm told, anyway.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by graystreet

I think it might be when you sing Lady Gaga, but that's just my observation.

What, didn't you know I'm a "crazy stalker?" That's what I'm told, anyway.

I can't even say I have heard a full song of hers

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I can't even say I have heard a full song of hers

Whelp, see, then you're not gay.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by graystreet

Whelp, see, then you're not gay.

Do you have any idea who Rufus Wainwright is?

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Do you have any idea who Rufus Wainwright is?

Of course. That makes you a hipster. Not gay.

What even IS this conversation. Music doesn't make a person gay. I am an offended special snowflake, now.

[downandlonely]

Yeah, I wouldn't let it bother you. Men who are good-looking, dress well, and hang out mostly with women are often assumed to be gay. But I bet it would be a pleasant surprise to some women to find out you're straight.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Yeah, I wouldn't let it bother you. Men who are good-looking, dress well, and hang out mostly with women are often assumed to be gay. But I bet it would be a pleasant surprise to some women to find out you're straight.

So should I maybe take along a female that I'm not interested in so that I could show that I'm not gay? That seems like using someone and I'm not really ok with it but if it's an effective tool then...
No, still probably not happening

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

So should I maybe take along a female that I'm not interested in so that I could show that I'm not gay? That seems like using someone and I'm not really ok with it but if it's an effective tool then...
No, still probably not happening

Confused.

I think they said if you hang out with mostly women sometimes people tend to assume you're gay. So taking along a female you're not interested in would just feed into that.

I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Like I said, people assume what they assume. Some people assume that I'm kung fu fighting. And they would be right. But I'm not fast as lightening, so there is where their assumption is incorrect.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by graystreet

Confused.

I think they said if you hang out with mostly women sometimes people tend to assume you're gay. So taking along a female you're not interested in would just feed into that.

I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Like I said, people assume what they assume. Some people assume that I'm kung fu fighting. And they would be right. But I'm not fast as lightening, so there is where their assumption is incorrect.

Ok.... So let women write me off because they think I'm gay? No! I deserve a date sometimes. Some strange people think they can "turn a homosexual straight" but that's not the case and I don't want any woman with that sizeable an ego.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Ok.... So let women write me off because they think I'm gay? No! I deserve a date sometimes. Some strange people think they can "turn a homosexual straight" but that's not the case and I don't want any woman with that sizeable an ego.

Some men assume I'm a lesbian. Not all men assume I'm a lesbian. The same logic holds true for your situation. Just because some people assume, doesn't mean all people assume. Some men also assume that, because I'm chubby, I'm unhealthy. Not all men assume that. The point is that, if you're not the thing people think you are, and you're living your life the way you wish to live, you cannot change other people's assumptions. It isn't you; it's them. I understand this is causing distress, but you live for other people, you're going to be very unhappy as well.

I'm really sorry that some people vocally assume things and that it's causing distress, but it's turning into a bigger thing in your mind than it should be, I believe.

Incidentally, I worked with a PA who, I would have bet money from day one, was gay. I mean, it was so stinking obvious. Patients call him derogatory slurs (this was the ER; we all got called names by patients), and he just laughed it off, because he knows how he comes off. He is not; he's married with two cute little babies. There's not much he can do to change how we perceive him, and he lives his life the way he wants to. Obvs his wife likes him, so.

But I would bet you don't come off the same way...that was just an anecdote.

[scorpiosis37]

Don’t let yourself obsess over it. Being perceived by some as gay is only a bad thing if you think being gay is bad. Does it really matter what people think? If a woman is interested in you, then she’ll say “yes” if you ask her out. And if people know you, they will know you identify as straight. Does it really matter what a few strangers think? If you put yourself out there, you will probably find a woman who is interested. Being perceived as a different orientation will probably not significantly impact your dating life. People who don’t know me assume I’m straight. Even after I come out, some still insist I must be straight because I “look” straight. I don’t let it worry me too much.

[SorryShaped]

My therapist got through to me today. He, a fairly effeminate hetero, said "they're going to think what they think. You can't control that. Just be you and happy with that." I know others said that already, but he's right and so are those that have. He also made a terrible sexist joke that I found a bit offensive but also somewhat funny and told him both responses.
I don't want to appear as a super dude. I'm happy with being sensitive, emotionally available, and loving.

[Medusax]

Sorry Shaped...I have been accused of being a lesbian before.
I am not the most feminine-looking thing in the world, I don't wear makeup or get my nails done and I can do things like run a rototiller and swing an ax and run a chainsaw. My husband is very lazy around the house, so it is me that mows the lawn, rakes the leaves, digs holes, etc. AND...I have very little use for men in general. NOT because I am gay, but to be truthful, MOST of the men in my life, in various capacities, have been disappointments. I have always been left to fend for myself. So, I therefore MUST be a lesbian.