So as many of you know, I have had a hell of a time in my life with toxic and abusive relationships, the most recent most significant one being with my ex fiance who totally used and abused me.

I think I am finally ridding myself of toxicity. It's poison still lingers around, because the toxic fumes infect a person's very soul and spirit to the core.

Psychological and mental abuse wounds do not heal quickly, I have learned. It takes time... and sometimes a long time to heal.

Cruel, nasty words DO hurt. I do not have a thick enough skin to NOT allow them to hurt me.

The point being --- I am DONE with toxic relationships. I am too old for that crap.

It's a weird feeling to experience something healthy and normal, when one is SO used to the opposite for so many years-- the ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster ride, the angst, the worry, the hurt, the pain, the fear....... not knowing when they will be nice or mean to you..... feeling hurt &upset most of the time.

My current boyfriend treats me like gold. He is a true gem -- he's always respectful and treats me with the utmost honor. He doesn't have a single mean bone in his body. So that's what it's like??? Who knew!

Love is NOT a battlefield. It never should be!!! IF love IS a battlefield, and if one must draw a sword in defense of one's very own character, it's time to reevaluate, question and wonder what one is doing in that relationship.

I have spent too many years in those kinds of relationships. Those wounds are there, and will probably be there forever -- like tattoos stamped on my body.

I will never ever forget the hurt & pain I endured in so many different relationships, but I will leave it all behind me, jumping happily with glee that I no longer am dealing with it.

It's time to feel healthy.... and with each day that passes, I do more and more. I feel like this is how it SHOULD be. Just normal -- no roller coaster ride, no questioning, no doubts, no hurt, no pain, no yelling, no nastiness, no fighting.

SO goodbye to toxic relationships and good riddance!

[divine1966]

So glad to hear. It’s nice not to wonder if someone will be cold or hot today. Sometimes you don’t know how it could be unless you finally experience it. Good riddance to unnecessary pain!

[Open Eyes]

Well, you had some toxic relationships but at least you did not have to face having a family and dealing with all the toxic things that can happen with a divorce and all the damage that can do to the children. At least you don't have to deal with these toxic individuals the rest of your life because you had a child with one of them.

Originally Posted by divine1966

So glad to hear. It’s nice not to wonder if someone will be cold or hot today. Sometimes you don’t know how it could be unless you finally experience it. Good riddance to unnecessary pain!

TY!!

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, you had some toxic relationships but at least you did not have to face having a family and dealing with all the toxic things that can happen with a divorce and all the damage that can do to the children. At least you don't have to deal with these toxic individuals the rest of your life because you had a child with one of them.

Yes, Open Eyes, you are 100% right. I am very lucky that I didn't have to deal with that level of toxicity and to that extent. I thank my lucky stars that I didn't marry my ex and that it fell apart, regardless of the how.

[TishaBuv]

I’m glad you found a new relationship that is healthy! The key is to not let this one get off track. I am concerned that the nature of all romantic relationships (for me) will expose faults given time and degenerate.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’m glad you found a new relationship that is healthy! The key is to not let this one get off track. I am concerned that the nature of all romantic relationships (for me) will expose faults given time and degenerate.

TY!

Not all relationships need to degenerate..... sure, faults are exposed over time, but the I believe that the key is knowing what faults are acceptable and not acceptable. Sometimes we don't see things for a while... and it takes time for some traits to reveal themselves, like with a narc for instance. There are a few good ones out there, though, there really are.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY!

Not all relationships need to degenerate..... sure, faults are exposed over time, but the I believe that the key is knowing what faults are acceptable and not acceptable. Sometimes we don't see things for a while... and it takes time for some traits to reveal themselves, like with a narc for instance. There are a few good ones out there, though, there really are.

Yes, as a relationship is new we learn this little fault and that one, and we find them acceptable. Then as time goes on, for me, it became an unacceptable fault surfaced. Then another and another.

I’m at a point where I am fearful that every person has these underlying unacceptable faults that will surface if given enough time. I feel this because of my relationship experience. My husband had so many good qualities. Then the horror of this incompatible, unrepairable issue came out.

I suppose it’s possible for someone to just be a great mate with no major issues. Gosh, I’d love to meet them! Deep down I worry that the real problem is ME, and I searched until I found fault in order to push him away. This is terrifying for me. I am not sure what the truth is of what went wrong. So, I’m just saying that you should also watch for when you are starting to see faults, and they are acceptable faults, but then they become unacceptable faults. Will that not happen? I hope your new guy only leaves his dirty laundry on the floor for you to pick up, and that is his worst fault.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, as a relationship is new we learn this little fault and that one, and we find them acceptable. Then as time goes on, for me, it became an unacceptable fault surfaced. Then another and another.

I’m at a point where I am fearful that every person has these underlying unacceptable faults that will surface if given enough time. I feel this because of my relationship experience. My husband had so many good qualities. Then the horror of this incompatible, unrepairable issue came out.

I suppose it’s possible for someone to just be a great mate with no major issues. Gosh, I’d love to meet them! Deep down I worry that the real problem is ME, and I searched until I found fault in order to push him away. This is terrifying for me. I am not sure what the truth is of what went wrong. So, I’m just saying that you should also watch for when you are starting to see faults, and they are acceptable faults, but then they become unacceptable faults. Will that not happen? I hope your new guy only leaves his dirty laundry on the floor for you to pick up, and that is his worst fault.

Oh yes, I know this one well. Most, if not ALL, of my relationships were with unhealthy, toxic people whose unacceptable behaviors revealed themselves over time.

But for me, what I realized is that I ignored and dismissed very important red flags & yellow flags that were indicative of trouble later down the road.

You can certainly detect these things early on with toxic people. I, too, began to think it was all ME. But these patterns CAN be broken. I've worked hard with my therapist on just this issue -- recognizing the red flags early on in the process.

My current guy certainly has faults, but nothing that is a deal breaker. He is so nice that when he thinks I'm upset, he gets all upset thinking he's done something.He hates to see any look of upset or disturbance on my face.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Oh yes, I know this one well. Most, if not ALL, of my relationships were with unhealthy, toxic people whose unacceptable behaviors revealed themselves over time.

But for me, what I realized is that I ignored and dismissed very important red flags & yellow flags that were indicative of trouble later down the road.

You can certainly detect these things early on with toxic people. I, too, began to think it was all ME. But these patterns CAN be broken. I've worked hard with my therapist on just this issue -- recognizing the red flags early on in the process.

My current guy certainly has faults, but nothing that is a deal breaker. He is so nice that when he thinks I'm upset, he gets all upset thinking he's done something.He hates to see any look of upset or disturbance on my face.

The way my h acted at our wedding was a huge red flag that later occurred to me and was a thorn in my side. That’s just one, for example. Looking back on that, had I known how bad that was an indication of things to come was, I could have annulled the marriage that night.

And yet, after all the suffering I went through, I am grateful I had the marriage, especially the children.

I guess there is a time and a season for everything. When I became good and ready to release myself from suffering, I had to because it was killing me.

I think it’s good to take time before committing and saying ‘I love you’ until you really see the good, the bad, and the ugly.

[divine1966]

No one is perfect but it’s important to distinguish between imperfections and red flags/deal breakers. People often confuse the two. It’s also important to know what your deal breakers are and not try to change people (people make minor adhstmebts but it’s useless to try change who they are at their core).

People settle down and marry other people who they know aren’t suitable partners. And they stay with unsuitable partners. Then they don’t understand why relationship is going south. You can fall in love with wrong people of course but settling with them is unnecessary. And it doesn’t mean every doomed relationship is because someone is abusive. Sometimes people are just wrong for each other. I’ve never been abused yet I had relationship and marriage that weren’t working in a long run: bad matches/wrong for each other. Not every good person is a match.

So just be careful and pay attention. And definitely not every relationship is going to deteriorate. Certainly not.

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

I agree and it is about perception as well. People say that they are abused and I believe them but when I observe their relationships, I see that the person who claims to be abused is creating the abuser’s behavior in the first place. Or the person is not abused at all but just playing the victim. It is always easy to play the victim and say that I was abused in relationships. Also, it is also entirely my fault if I decide to stay in a relationship after the very first sign of abuse. If I do, I sure have no right to complain because I am choosing to stay in an abusive relationship.

Are you implying that I was playing the victim when I say I was abused by my ex? I hope not. I WAS ABUSED verbally, psychologically and mentally. This thread is about saying good riddance to toxic relationships. It is not about getting out of one, being in one or staying in one. It is about not being in one any longer.

Also, someone who is abused DOES NOT CREATE THE ABUSE! What are you saying here???? They ARE a victim. Your post is really off based, and incenses me to no end, being someone who has been abused in several relationships. Please rethink what you have written.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Are you implying that I was playing the victim when I say I was abused by my ex? I hope not. I WAS ABUSED verbally, psychologically and mentally.

Of course not. I am not sure why you would think that. I did not even reply to you. I replied to another comment which happened to be on your thread. I am sorry that made it look like I was implying something. And, btw, I do not imply or do passive aggressive. If I thought that be assured that I would say it straight to you without any sugar coding.
So, in summary, I was responding to Divine’s comment. It was a general comment on the subject. It had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Of course not. I am not sure why you would think that. I did not even reply to you. I replied to another comment which happened to be on your thread. I am sorry that made it look like I was implying something. And, btw, I do not imply or do passive aggressive. If I thought that be assured that I would say it straight to you without any sugar coding.
So, in summary, I was responding to Divine’s post. It was a general comment on the subject. It had absolutely nothing to do with you.

In order to avoid misunderstandings, it is easiest and best imo to quote the person you are responding to... that would have helped.

But again, this is going off topic, really. The topic is being FREE of toxic relationships.... not about being in one.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Are you implying that I was playing the victim when I say I was abused by my ex? I hope not. I WAS ABUSED verbally, psychologically and mentally. This thread is about saying good riddance to toxic relationships. It is not about getting out of one, being in one or staying in one. It is about not being in one any longer.

Someone who is abused DOES NOT CREATE THE ABUSE! What are you saying here???? They ARE a victim. Your post is really off based, and incenses me to no end, being someone who has been abused in several relationships. Please rethink what you have written.

Please stop yelling at me. I will just take it down.

Originally Posted by falldusktrain

please stop yelling at me. I will just take it down.

thank you.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

thank you.

you have absolutely no right to yell at people. Please know that.

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

you have absolutely no right to yell at people. Please know that.

And you have no right saying that people who get abused caused the abuse. that is the most bogus statement and is entirely ignorant. What do you know about what really goes on behind closed doors? Please stop replying on my thread. And I wasn't yelling at you, I was making a point with emphasis.

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So as many of you know, I have had a hell of a time in my life with toxic and abusive relationships, the most recent most significant one being with my ex fiance who totally used and abused me.

I think I am finally ridding myself of toxicity. It's poison still lingers around, because the toxic fumes infect a person's very soul and spirit to the core.

Psychological and mental abuse wounds do not heal quickly, I have learned. It takes time... and sometimes a long time to heal.

Cruel, nasty words DO hurt. I do not have a thick enough skin to NOT allow them to hurt me.

The point being --- I am DONE with toxic relationships. I am too old for that crap.

It's a weird feeling to experience something healthy and normal, when one is SO used to the opposite for so many years-- the ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster ride, the angst, the worry, the hurt, the pain, the fear....... not knowing when they will be nice or mean to you..... feeling hurt &upset most of the time.

My current boyfriend treats me like gold. He is a true gem -- he's always respectful and treats me with the utmost honor. He doesn't have a single mean bone in his body. So that's what it's like??? Who knew!

Love is NOT a battlefield. It never should be!!! IF love IS a battlefield, and if one must draw a sword in defense of one's very own character, it's time to reevaluate, question and wonder what one is doing in that relationship.

I have spent too many years in those kinds of relationships. Those wounds are there, and will probably be there forever -- like tattoos stamped on my body.

I will never ever forget the hurt & pain I endured in so many different relationships, but I will leave it all behind me, jumping happily with glee that I no longer am dealing with it.

It's time to feel healthy.... and with each day that passes, I do more and more. I feel like this is how it SHOULD be. Just normal -- no roller coaster ride, no questioning, no doubts, no hurt, no pain, no yelling, no nastiness, no fighting.

SO goodbye to toxic relationships and good riddance!

I'm glad you're finally done with toxic relationships. I'm pretty much done with them too and been working on them ever since I left my ex boyfriend. So happy to be away from him now and don't have to be in constant fear of him all the time. Right now I'm healing on myself before I have a relationship with someone new. Right now, I want to focus on me and concentrate on working on those wounds that are still not healed yet. I'm seeing a doctor and therapist and their working with me the steps to know about abusive behavior. So happy you're finally with someone that respects and loves you!!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

And you have no right saying that people who get abused caused the abuse. that is the most bogus statement and is entirely ignorant. What do you know about what really goes on behind closed doors? Please stop replying on my thread. And I wasn't yelling at you, I was making a point with emphasis.

.

I do not think they meant that abused people caused abuse but maybe rather that abusers sometimes claim they are being abused when really it’s not what happens. Not every person screaming abuse is actually abused, they often are the abusers. I bet we all know examples

I am sure it was not about you at all

[Open Eyes]

I was thinking along those lines divine yet I can see how golden_eye got triggered. I think golden_eye has learned some important lessons and has been trying very hard to recognize red flags that a person can become toxic.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by divine1966

.

I do not think they meant that abused people caused abuse but maybe rather that abusers sometimes claim they are being abused when really it’s not what happens. Not every person screaming abuse is actually abused, they often are the abusers. I bet we all know examples

I am sure it was not about you at all

I agree many abusers claim they are the abused.

I also think that on the other side of this, sometimes we ALLOW others to abuse us, when we ignore red flags from them that basically tell us they will abuse us. So we become complicit in our own abuse. There will always be bad people in the world, it is OUR responsibility to care for ourselves enough to say "I see this red flag, and I will not ENABLE someone to hurt me."

So sometimes we do ENABLE people to abuse us. It's a huge component of co-dependency. So I think it's really important to say, if all the guys I'm dating are being abusive, what am I doing wrong in picking these guys? How can I avoid men like this by being savvy to their patterns?

It's not about blaming but taking responsibility.

I am glad you are recognizing red flags and giving them weight now.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by divine1966

.

I do not think they meant that abused people caused abuse but maybe rather that abusers sometimes claim they are being abused when really it’s not what happens. Not every person screaming abuse is actually abused, they often are the abusers. I bet we all know examples

I am sure it was not about you at all

Yes, abusers often turn it around and claim that they're the ones being abused... very true indeed, and it happens all too frequently. Perhaps I did misunderstand. If I did, then that's my bad.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I was thinking along those lines divine yet I can see how golden_eye got triggered. I think golden_eye has learned some important lessons and has been trying very hard to recognize red flags that a person can become toxic.

Yes, I did get triggered. I have been trying very hard to change my own patterns. Thank you, Open Eyes, for your post.

Originally Posted by Amethyst_Stargazer

I'm glad you're finally done with toxic relationships. I'm pretty much done with them too and been working on them ever since I left my ex boyfriend. So happy to be away from him now and don't have to be in constant fear of him all the time. Right now I'm healing on myself before I have a relationship with someone new. Right now, I want to focus on me and concentrate on working on those wounds that are still not healed yet. I'm seeing a doctor and therapist and their working with me the steps to know about abusive behavior. So happy you're finally with someone that respects and loves you!!

Thank you, Amethyst. I am glad you got out of that relationship! And good for you for focusing on you and your healing. Kudos!!!!