This is for the women out there....

Please help me out. I’ve been trying to find out the facts on this but am having great difficulty. Question: Does a women have to have “ hormones” to want to be affectionate, cuddly, and wanting to please her partner sexually even though she has no physical desire to do anything sexual. Facts : She had a disease that destroyed her hormones. She had a total hysterectomy. She will not take any hormone replacement therapy of any kind for fear of the disease relapsing.
I’m the kind of guy that needs some physical and emotional attachment.
I’m getting neither. She’s a good mate in many ways except for that. Now I understand the physical limitations. I remember when I had a problem on my end. Don’t know if she went “ out” on me then. I haven’t cheated and don’t want to but I’m dying inside for this physical connection. We are in our 60’s , not 90’s.
At a much older age I’m sure this would not be an important issue.
So , does a women need feminine hormones to want to , hold hands , kiss , cuddle , or/and want to please me sexually even though she’s not interested.
Help ! The whole relationship could hinge on this issue. Should I just let it go ?
Thanks.....

I am not so sure. I am 51 and menopausal. Yet, I am experiencing the best and most sexually active time of my life. My partner has much to do with that though. His warm emotional affection translates to the desire for physical affection. I think being for the first time in an emotionally and physically secure relationship is also a pretty big reason for my desires. This man is particularly sensitive to my needs and understanding of my mental health. He is more than simply being my best friend. He does a great deal to show his own affection and I respond in kind. We don't go anywhere without holding hands for example.

Have you done a self-check? Does she have needs which perhaps aren't being met? Does she have reason to feel insecure about anything? How is her mood these days; depressive? anxious? Does she perhaps have physical impediements to sexual activity. What about her self-esteem and sense of worth; do these need encouragement? What kind of together time do the two of you spend?

There are numerous reasons then I would look to sorting out before concluding it is hormonal. It might very well be but I would eliminate the more obvious factors before jumping to conclusions.

Have you talked to her? Does she indicate she is troubled with this? encourage her to see her doctor. There are non-synthetic hormone remedies out there that may be of help.

I don't think it's essential to have hormones in order to still be able to kiss and cuddle etc.

No, I don't think it's necessary either. Perhaps you could talk to her about this issue?

hormones are not necessary for showing affection (caring about someone, showing how much you care about someone by hand holding, cuddling, kissing...) even newborn babies and children who have not gone through puberty are able to show affection.... hold hands, cuddle and give kisses.

that said hormones do in some people take care of things like being sexually active, having an interest in sex, helping a woman be more physically ready for the intimacy. short version hormones do things like make a person grow, matabolizes food, and work the reproductive organs. example without hormones some people stay short, without hormones some people have to live on special diets, with out hormones some people cant have children. but without then a person can still cuddle, hold hands and have sex.

I don't think it's necessary to have those hormones in order to wAnt affection or cuddles.
However I do know several women who have suffered massive loss of self identity when having a hysterectomy.
Like it's tied to the very idea of being a woman, feminine and to follow that thinking, attractive.

Try and imagine how you would feel as a man if you had your balls removed?

This might take you some way to finding out how she is feeling.
There are also many aspects I menopause that just leave you feeling uncomfortable and irritable in your own skin.

I could of course be miles off with either of these suggestions since I don't know your S.O.

However they may be worth considering.

You don’t need hormones to hold hands or cuddle. I am sure there is more going on.

It seems possible to me that with her altered hormone levels, she may have no desire at all for sex. Without any desire, it’s possible to develop an outright aversion, especially if she engaged in any activity that she didn’t have any desire to do. From there, it often becomes the case that she might avoid even low level physical touch because she expects that it may lead to a request for more physical activity. So I don’t think that it’s out of the realm of possibility that the root cause of all this does come down to hormones.

Whether or not it’s hormones or something else really seems beside the point to me, at least in terms of your searching for an answer. What you need to know is whether or not she wants to have sex ever again. If no, then you have your answer and need to make your decision from there. If yes, then you two can discuss options for tackling the issue. But a direct, honest conversation needs to happen.

Personally, I am with the majority. Hormones are not necessary to snuggle and kiss. Although the desire may be limited by other factors. I'm in my upper 40's and underwent a total hysterectomy around 6 or 7 years ago (for medical reasons).

I definitely enjoy sex a lot more now than I did prior to surgery. It has been uncomfortable for me a time or two, which quickly taught me that decent lubrication is absolutely necessary. K-Y Jelly works great. Also: taking things slowly and comfortably for her helps ~ more than I can express. It can feel pretty scary when you're used to intense pain.

On that note, I also agree with Middlemarcher's input. Be direct, but gentle, when you approach your partner about the issue.

I really can’t thank you guys enough for all your responses. You all raise excellent points, some I was aware of and some that I wasn’t. There’s a little truth to all of your comments. I could list numerous particulars concerning our relationship. But it all doesn’t seem to matter because she states her reasons as physical and that’s the end of discussion. I can’t even broach the subject without nothing more than a dirty look. I think couples therapy is needed so bad but she won’t go. It’s starting to mess with my self esteem because I feel, well maybe it’s me ? Maybe I just can’t turn her on anymore. I feel that the “ love” is not there and the only reason we’re together is financial or just for companionship.
Is that what it all boils down to in the end ? I mean if we were in our 90s I could understand. My point is this. I feel that if this situation was reversed and she needed physical affection or whatever, I would do it took to make her feel loved.
I can’t feel good unless I can make her feel good. I feel like all I do is give , give , and give some more , only to be rejected and ignored emotionally and physically. I’m seriously depressed over this issue. And I’m very conflicted about it. I’ve invested a lot of time , money , and emotional currency into this “relationship “. She has many other good qualities. Should this be a deal breaker ? Again , thank you all for your input. You have given me much food for thought.

The situation is clearly impacting you negatively and rightly so. Unfortunately it's likely that you're affected by the consequences of her being deeply affected by what she's been through so in the end it may have very little to do with you.

If she's had a hysterectomy and clearly has gone through some serious health scares, you have to keep in mind that she's probably going through a very life changing, traumatic experience and that can make people act in ways that aren't perhaps easy to deal with, such as repression, depression, withdrawal, anger, etc. She might be in the stages where emotionally it's hard for her to provide much, a stage where she needs more help and support and can't offer much in return whether she wants to or not.

Hormones do influence our emotions and desires but not to the extent where without hormones there's no emotions or physical needs. Everything from cuddling to sex is primarily about connection, intimacy, not being alone, need for touch, validation, love. Those are needs people have regardless. The lack of hormones probably affects sex drive but there's more than that, there's that emotional part, the trauma of having a hysterectomy and having been ill.

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker that maybe for a while, longer or shorter, she won't be able to have sex or offer much in those terms. As long as you've been good and truly patient and stuff, this is not a question of you turning her on or not, I think this is a question of getting over what happened to her and adjusting to the situation.

You have to seriously think if you want to and if you can handle being with someone who might not be able to provide much for the time being, someone who needs more than she can give perhaps and who might be frustrating at times. Everyone is worthy of being given kindness, support and patience when something life altering/mentally altering has happened to them but not everyone can provide that without becoming bitter or depressed themselves. How was she before? What was her way of being? Those are all things u should take into consideration.