[Weareallmadhere93]

I have Daddy Issues no lie, yet I keep getting into relationships I believe I could be happy in. Then the Curve ball Comes. I’m Married, willl you...... Some times it’s join us and some times be my secret. I don’t know if it’s because I’m over weight, ugly or what? I’m really disheartened because I’m starting to think that’s the only people interested in me. I always waited because I wanted one man to one woman and kids. Yet it keeps happening and I don’t think I could meet a single guy interested in just me anymore. It’s been 11 years since I’ve dated a man with no ties. (No I don’t know when we first start to date what I am getting into!)

[healingme4me]

Maybe explore literature on why you gravitate to emotionally unavailable men?

Sorry to hear of your being in such a rut and conundrum.

[AspiringAuthor]

A lot of women are overweight now and there are, fortunately, lots of resources available, from Instagram for plus size women to Gwynnie Bee clothing rental to brick-and-mortar stores such as Torrid where even shop attendants are big. Look around - the more you see happy, gorgeous, smiling plus size women out there, the easier it would be for you to perceive your own self as good looking. Spend some time doing that until you internalize the positivity, and do not think about the men's issue for now, but revisit it only after your body image becomes positive - and your wardrobe, colorful and vibrant.

[carcrashonrepeat]

I tend to get into relationships where men were likely to either cheat on me or cheat on their partner with me. I find that it's my eagerness to please and not listening to my own instincts. There were red flags that I overlooked simply because I loved the guy and wanted him to love me. And being in a relationship, even if it was a ****** one, filled a void.

If you dont mind me asking, how do you find the guys you date?

Something to make clear: Poly relationships (or any relationship, for that matter) isn't founded on lying or you being made to feel like a secret or inferior to the other partner.

[eskielover]

No I don’t know when we first start to date what I am getting into!

Maybe it would be better to get to know the person better before ever dating?.....if they don't want that, use it as an indication that they are HIDING something & don't date them no matter how much attraction there may be.

The only thing that we can change is us & if what we have been doing keeps ending up like this then we have to change what we are doing.

[s4ndm4n2006]

with all due respect I dont' think this entire situation is based on her body image/self image at all. This situation can happen to women/men of all shapes and sizes and related self image issues.

She mentioned those things but it definitely cannot be as simplistic as one poster stated. It is always good to work on your own self image but this definitely has more to do with the question of why already attached men are the ones you keep gravitating toward or are an attraction for.

More than anything I think one thing you can do is be far more thorough in your initial analysis of the person you are interested in. Finding you're ending up in situations with men that are already married? Point out in the very beginning before anything forms into a relationship, that you're not wanting that. ASK directly if they are actually single and make it clear by no uncertain terms you will not date men that are attached, that you will not be a mistress...etc. Do this early and you'll dodge the bullets

I also agree with others to, if you have a T, discuss and figure out why those kinds of men keep coming into your life.

[AspiringAuthor]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

with all due respect I dont' think this entire situation is based on her body image/self image at all. This situation can happen to women/men of all shapes and sizes and related self image issues.

I actually based it on the OP's self evaluation, "I don’t know if it’s because I’m over weight, ugly or what?"

I think when a person ventures this kind of guess in such strong terms ("ugly'), it has to be taken seriously.

Of course, reviewing the situation before getting into it (a quesion "have you ever been married?" does it without being too direct) is very valuable.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

I actually based it on the OP's self evaluation, "I don’t know if it’s because I’m over weight, ugly or what?"

I think when a person ventures this kind of guess in such strong terms ("ugly'), it has to be taken seriously.

Of course, reviewing the situation before getting into it (a quesion "have you ever been married?" does it without being too direct) is very valuable.

sure I get your point but if it were to be resolved to the idea that this was th reason she was getting into these kinds of relationships which is the main topic of this thread, I would say that self image is an issue but likely not related to the situation being asked about

[eskielover]

No matter how one thinks they look the issue can be resolved by putting up a block in the first place to those kinds of people.

Reputations are made by the company we keep. Weed out that kind of company at the beginning no matter what else is in the picture & thibgs will start to CHANGE.

Originally Posted by Weareallmadhere93

I have Daddy Issues no lie, yet I keep getting into relationships I believe I could be happy in. Then the Curve ball Comes. I’m Married, willl you...... Some times it’s join us and some times be my secret. I don’t know if it’s because I’m over weight, ugly or what? I’m really disheartened because I’m starting to think that’s the only people interested in me. I always waited because I wanted one man to one woman and kids. Yet it keeps happening and I don’t think I could meet a single guy interested in just me anymore. It’s been 11 years since I’ve dated a man with no ties. (No I don’t know when we first start to date what I am getting into!)

Hi MadHere...

When I hear people say "I have daddy issues," or "that person has daddy issues" or "I don't want to be involved with someone with daddy issues," all I hear is something hurtful. Whether you are saying it about yourself or someone else, it's really just a cruel way of saying "that person's (your own) father did not act like a real father to them when they were growing up, and now they are wired to be attracted to people who don't treat them well in their adult life." And really, I think as a whole, we need to be more kind and caring about the way we talk about people, things, and well, ourselves. Anyway, I have empathy for you. My father didn't act like a real father to me either, and he certainly wasn't there for me the way I needed him to be. Anyway, I also wonder if self esteem can play a part in why we pick the partners we do and even, gravitate towards those who are not good for us (even if you don't know it about them beforehand). Would you say you are good or bad at judging people's character? My guess might be that you need to pay more attention to your instincts about a person (and learn how to hone those instincts). Do you ever get red flags that come up about someone? What do you do when you find out someone is not who they say they are? Do you continue to be with them? Or do you empower yourself and dump them?

I really like what AspiringAuthor had to say about body image. It's so true that if you wear clothes that look and feel good, and take care of your self esteem, a man's (the right man) not gonna care if you are overweight. A lot of women are (overweight). And a lot of them have boyfriends.

Also I just want to acknowledge your disappointment about continuing to meet the wrong guys. It is a disappointing feeling and frustrating, and I hear you. For my own issues with this kind of thing (being attracted to assholes and bad boys), its taken some work to figure it all out. I took a step back from the dating world and really started to notice what was happening inside me when I was attracted to someone not treating me well. For you though, it sounds like you are attracted to liars and cheaters. Is there a pattern you have noticed with these guys and their early character? That's where your intuition will ring.

[MickeyCheeky]

Do you see a T?

[Weareallmadhere93]

If you dont mind me asking, how do you find the guys you date?

Through friends, school, work, online. Multiple ways they just all end badly with one thing or another.

[eskielover]

I don't find dates. I meet people, get to know them then if there is any chemistry between us then date. If not it never gets past the acquaintance stage. Dating isn't the important thing. Finding the right person is & that is better done before dating

[Weareallmadhere93]

Originally Posted by starrysky

Hello starrysky
Would you say you are good or bad at judging people's character?
Do you ever get red flags that come up about someone?
What do you do when you find out someone is not who they say they are?
Do you continue to be with them?
Or do you empower yourself and dump them?
Is there a pattern you have noticed with these guys and their early character?

Hello starrysky,

No I’m not very good at judging people. I usually miss red Flags and end up having to learn the hard way about someone. When Red flags do come up and I notice I try and look to see why I missed warning signs to begin with. I’m the past I’ve been a door mat and continued hurtful relationships and it’s only recently I have started ending relationships when I see the red flag right away. As for a Pattern.... not one I have noticed. I guess that’s my fault in a way. I am pretty open to people and pretty much follow what the guy wants to do.

[Weareallmadhere93]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Do you see a T?

Not anymore. I don’t trust them. I was 16 when I did see one and she would talk to my mom after. I felt she was reporting and repeating what I had told her to my mom because she always knew what went o. In the room.

[melangey]

Honestly, I was that way. Had nothing to do with self-esteem. I realized I didn't trust anyone enough, so I attracted only dysfunctional relationships I knew wouldn't work.

Then, I decided I wanted to be married with kids, so (as my best friend put it) I "cut the $@#%" and only told guys I dated what I wanted. I referred to myself as "single" until I became engaged (probably rushed his decision, but oh well), and I'm still TECHNICALLY single until he ties the knot.

But really, a lot of times you get what you give. Have self-respect and people will respect you. I don't let him walk all over me, tho we do have fights, and it pays off in the end.