Overthinking/anxiety in relationship, in need of help

It is okay to be imperfect.



It sounds like you are so ready to blame yourself that you might be tempted to set aside how the relationship has been getting stifling.

You don’t have to be perfect in order to ask for and pursue the kind of life you want. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is for all!

I'm stuck.

My feelings for my SO have been on a relative high recently, as we've gotten better at communicating. However, hanging out with some new friends, it just feels easier to interact with them. That's either because I 1) have been anxious with my bf for so long that it's hard to NOT be anxious/tense around him, even though I've been getting better, and/or 2) his basic communication skills aren't like that of others. I think it's a mix of both.

It sucks. Things were—are—getting better, but it's just a weird time in our lives. He's job-less and never leaves the house and is therefore suffering from boredom and depression, and I need alone time, self-care, and emotional support all at once. I don't think it's good for me to judge our relationship now when neither of us are at our best. I think it'd be different once he is able to get out of the house, which will be soon.

He encourages me to do my own thing, spend time on my own, even though I've had reservations about doing so since I don't want to make him feel excluded. I notice he's been listening to my thoughts and concerns more, which is what I wanted, and it's helping me be myself again.

I do sometimes wonder, and I don't know if this is "healthy thinking" or a sign that I want out, but I want freedom to move around and do what I want, especially since I want a job that will let me travel and move around the country, and I feel like that will be difficult with us. He doesn't like being apart from me while I seem to have no trouble with it.

Just needed to vent. Someday, I'll figure this all out...

I wonder if he could find a volunteer opportunity or exercise program or adult school...something constructive that gets him out of the house.

If you were to include him in everything, then you would be excluding yourself from opportunities that are important to you: opportunities to be alone or to be with friends.Especially with girl friends: time with them is important and as you know it isn’t the same if people’s SOs are included.

If he got out of the house would you feel so drawn to include him in everything?

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting more freedom. Maybe you are not ready to “settle down” in a more homebody kind of way. Maybe you will never be ready for that. I think that is is okay to have the feelings you have, to watch them, live with them, and see what develops, without judging them.

If he can’t tolerate your freedom, your being out of the house, then that is something that he needs to work on. Keep on being you!

Lately I've been realizing that I'm very out of touch with my bf... I think it's a result of not talking to each other and having genuine experiences. I'll explain:

We used to:

1. sit down and just talk, or simply enjoy meals together
2. walk around together
3. listen and talk about music together
4. go out more
5. be more interested in each other's lives

Now, I realize that

1. just sit and watch tv when we eat
2. don't simply talk or walk anymore
3. rarely talk about music or our interests (and some of this is because my non-romantic life is going well, with work and my friends, but I hate rubbing things in when his life is at a low right now!)
4. don't go out on dates as much (money's been a struggle)

What I struggle with most is, how did we get here? Some of my theories include:

• moving in together too early. we did it only after a few months of dating each other, especially since SO convinced me that we were compatible enough to do so. I was in a situation where I could move out of my current place, and since he had moved to be with me, I felt compelled to help me establish a life here
• we started dating while young, and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had waited? I had done next to no dating before meeting my current bf, and now, two years later, I'm living with him in another state! It might be more commitment than I was originally willing to make, and I'm just realizing this now.
• life got pretty rough for me within 5 months after dating him. I still struggle with unhealthy attachment styles and abandonment issues and trying to please people because of this.
• there have been some "hiccups" in our relationship, mostly with him going into silent mode. Last year I was still struggling with these events and wondering if he was really the right "fit." A couple mushroom trips throughout the year later, and these feelings have amplified. The last trip I was on, I was seriously considering if he was good for me or not.
• When the first signs of our incompatibility came up, I either tried to accept things for how they were, or try changing myself
• thought distortions. Many times when we disagreed or we offended each other, they would stay in my memory as negative experiences, and I got really fixated on those. I struggled NOT thinking of my partner as critical or uncaring, even though he's shown me that he's open, honest, and thoughtful.

My bf has been actively changing for the better, trying to be more in tune with how I'm feeling, and encouraging me to do things on my own/with friends. Or if I'm around him, he asks what I want to do.

Sigh... and to be honest, I do this with everyone. I have terrible social anxiety and think "everyone's out to get me," that I have the potential to disappoint anyone, or that people are looking for reasons to criticize me. I do this with my closest friends, and I have done it with my bf, which has led to me not being comfortable with him.

Another thing I should point out: throughout this thread, I've made it sound like my bf and I have no chemistry, don't get along, or don't mix well. My problem is things USED to be like that, and I'm starting to understand how things got as bad as they are. Unfortunately, things are so bad right now that I hope I'm not futilely trying to put it back together. At the same time, I want to feel connected to him. Ignoring all of the drama, we are pretty compatible, share so many common interests, and enjoy being around each other.

Are you financially supporting him? If he doesn’t work who pays the bills? When people are unemployed they need to spend as much time searching for a job as they would working. He needs to be looking and applying for jobs 8 hours a day, he shouldn’t have time to be bored. What’s up with no job situation? You said he rushed you to move in, is it so you can pay the bills?

Well, when we first moved in, we were both unemployed and looking for jobs. This was early 2017. We both got jobs and were fine for a while.

Then I got another job, which I LOVE, but had to move hundreds of miles away for. He decided to stay with me (his worst fear is losing me). This was earlier this year, around spring. He was set on getting a job, and I did everything I could to help (especially since my new job gave me lots of connections). However, he was in limbo about what he wanted to do, and he didn't want to go back to a cashier job because it gives him anxiety.

It's been tough... he actually turned down two job offers because they "weren't his match" (one had some job safety hazards that I totally understand, the other one I wish he sort of went for but I wanted to be supportive so I didn't say anything). He had saved up a decent amount of money before moving here, so we've been fairly splitting expenses, so I can't give him that much crap, but it has sucked because I wanted to save up money with this internship I'm in, and I haven't been able to do so yet.

He's moving back to his hometown/going back to school soon (in less than a month, so it'd be pointless to job search now) and will be able to work, socialize with friends, and keep himself busy soon. He admits that he needs structure in his life, and I'm trying hard not to judge our relationship by how things are going now because I have been with him when he has his own life, job, etc.

I realize I have every right to be "bitter" about this, however, and I'm pretty excited because soon, I won't have to pay any rent and can save a ton of money (I get free housing through my internship).

It's been hard because initially, when we moved, I loved him enough to sacrifice my time and money into him, but since we moved things have been so different, and I'm so detached from him now, so continuing to support him has felt conflicting. Sometimes I worry if I'm just being stingy with money, but at the same time this is the first time where I'm getting paid to do something i actually care about, and I just wanted to make the best out of it.

You offered a number of theories. Something that occurred to me is this: maybe the mutual compatibility, which once was there, is no longer there.

If this theory is correct: one can be deeply sad about the loss of a very close relationship that now is gone (for whatever reason(s) that it is gone). The loss hurts, it can be bewildering, one wants to search for the reasons why and for what/who to blame. Still (on this theory), reality is what it is. How should one best face this reality?

Argh.

It seems like we alternative between good and "off" days. "Off" doesn't mean "bad,' but what I specifically mean is that it seems whenever I want to be lovable/affectionate/cuddly, he doesn't want to be, or vice versa. We both want affection from each other but aren't quite getting it, at least that's how I feel... I'm just so tired from work that half of the time I just want to be alone for an hour or two when I get back home, but I feel guilt when I ask for it. My SO doesn't have a problem with it, but nevertheless I find myself feeling guilty, and thus I never truly enjoy "me" time. And it seems whenever I want to cuddle with him, it feels un-reciprocated. Not all of the time, but since he's alone most of the day I figured he'd be appreciating it. He asked me specifically to be more affectionate and intimate with him, but (sometimes) he still acts surprised by my kisses and so forth... it's so confusing. Again, this is NOT most of the time, but when it happens it throws me off... And of course, I worry that I'm not being affectionate enough in my day-to-day life Perhaps I should just confront him and ask if I'm doing enough?

I also recently realized that I spend a majority of every day, and thus my life, thinking/worrying about him. This has been going on for a long time, and I'm trying to be more mindful of it. This means I rarely make decisions based solely on my pure thoughts/emotions; for the past 2 years they've been tainted with trying to please my SO. There's been only a little pressure from him for me to be "accommodating," the rest is just me... worrying...

I think this will get significantly better once he goes home. He's got school and a job all set up for him there. I hate that my automatic thoughts are to always assume people are out to get me, or that they don't like me, or that I've done something wrong. His lack of enthusiasm and my lack of self-confidence has, at least in my head, made this whole relationship thing really hard on me. It's been getting better since I first joined this forum, but if only there was a magic button to make it (the anxiety) all go away.