[SorryShaped]

I'm staying in bed because I've become terrified of being in love again. She's coming to stay for a few days, in a few days, and I want things perfect but I can't move tonight. I still have some cleaning to do, but not much, and I have to go to the grocery. I'm so afraid of it becoming everything we both say it already is but in-person. I'm terrified I'll be terrible at sex with her too, which didn't matter as to the other two women since the divorce because I didn't care about them like this.
What can I do? My neighbor keeps saying I'm manic every time she sees me and she says it's scary. I don't want to scare this woman that I'm hopelessly lost in. Right now I can barely move. I think I'm worried most that being in love trapped me before, which it did, and I'm also not sure that I was in love before with another person, though I was married for a long time. I hate my inability to move right now

[unaluna]

Dont you just want to see if you can spend time together (sober) without wanting to kill each other? What kinda stuff do you usually do? Go on a picnic, take a boat ride, go to a zoo.

[SorryShaped]

I intend to stay completely sober. I don't want anything dulling my senses from picking up everything about her.
I'm afraid of being in love, but I do think I love her. I'm fairly sure of it. Going to have to sleep more today because I have pain levels this morning beyond my ability to cope, easily 9/10. I tossed and turned all night, even through the Seroquel sleep.

[carcrashonrepeat]

I know how you feel. I'd become way too sensitive and excited when someone I liked was coming over to the point where I was paralyzed.

Something that has helped me is to stop focusing on them. If the house needs to be cleaned, then it should be cleaned because that is what needs to be done.

You should get out of bed because it is unhealthy for you and does not help. You have things to do, just like you had things to do before ever meeting this woman.

Meditate. Breathe. Slow yourself down. Go for a walk. Remain active without pushing yourself.

Do not hinge your emotions on her. She is not a rock, and to fix your feelings on her will make your moods fluctuate like crazy. You can still be in love with someone and thrive on your own terms. In fact, I'm sure that is something she'll appreciate.

Take it one step at a time. Invite her into your home. Make her feel hospitable. If you don't feel comfortable at your home, go for a walk. Take your time. You don't have to rush anything. Even sex. Even love. Take time to trust your feelings. You do not have to impress her. But you should strive to be authentic and open.

[SorryShaped]

Open is always to be priority since my huge changes happened last year and more open this year. She knows about most of the rough stuff already and I some of hers.
Everyone here will rant about this one, but we're both bipolar. There comes an understanding that only another beeper can have.
I, through forces of caffeine and kratom, managed to get up and clean more today. I went to the store for a while, though I didn't finish my list because I burned completely out.
The one main purchase was a second pillow for my bed. That's very significant to me. I am going out for a while, to another store, to take care of a few other things. I'm grateful this town isn't huge

[downandlonely]

Sounds like you're getting some stuff done. That's good. I hope it goes well with her.

[carcrashonrepeat]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Open is always to be priority since my huge changes happened last year and more open this year. She knows about most of the rough stuff already and I some of hers.
Everyone here will rant about this one, but we're both bipolar. There comes an understanding that only another beeper can have.
I, through forces of caffeine and kratom, managed to get up and clean more today. I went to the store for a while, though I didn't finish my list because I burned completely out.
The one main purchase was a second pillow for my bed. That's very significant to me. I am going out for a while, to another store, to take care of a few other things. I'm grateful this town isn't huge

Yes! Good for you! I'm happy you've gotten most of your work done. It's okay if you didn't complete everything - maybe she could help you with some of the items on your list?

Hope all goes well during her visit!

[Open Eyes]

You were traumatized with the relationship you had been in for a long time, so it's understandable you would have anxiety and fear when it comes to "caring and loving" again. Don't think you HAVE TO be perfect or that your house HAS TO be perfect either.
Perfection is VERY OVERRATED and the truth is YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, CANT BE PERFECT because no one EVER IS.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You were traumatized with the relationship you had been in for a long time, so it's understandable you would have anxiety and fear when it comes to "caring and loving" again. Don't think you HAVE TO be perfect or that your house HAS TO be perfect either.
Perfection is VERY OVERRATED and the truth is YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, CANT BE PERFECT because no one EVER IS.

I gave up on perfect a while ago, long before she ever came into my life. "Perfectly effed" is much more acceptable to me.
Caring and loving are straight up what I'm looking for, but I am going to get a huge amount of condoms in the morning regardless, and at her request.
This woman clearly likes me, for whatever reason. I'm down, for whatever reason, and don't want to figure it out.
I do feel like I can love again. I even bought a second pillow for my bed today.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I do feel like I can love again. I even bought a second pillow for my bed today.

I think thats in an official list somewhere. youre funny!

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think thats in an official list somewhere. youre funny!

Being I deliberately did not have a second one, so that any woman that came over knew by looking I did not intend for her or any woman to stay overnight, this is a big step. She's making food to bring along. I'd rather she were just here already. I can eat peanut butter and crackers for every meal, if it means I could have her here. She can't be in my place right now anyway. I am at gym and had to replace the caulk on the tub last night when wiping it off made the crappy job they did before I moved in to come out. How can a quarter inch of caulk just wipe out like that? Probably because they used a quart inch instead of getting it inside the cervices only. Doesn't matter. I did it correctly now, but curing time has to happen, so I will be showering here today.

[carcrashonrepeat]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Being I deliberately did not have a second one, so that any woman that came over knew by looking I did not intend for her or any woman to stay overnight, this is a big step. She's making food to bring along. I'd rather she were just here already. I can eat peanut butter and crackers for every meal, if it means I could have her here. She can't be in my place right now anyway. I am at gym and had to replace the caulk on the tub last night when wiping it off made the crappy job they did before I moved in to come out. How can a quarter inch of caulk just wipe out like that? Probably because they used a quart inch instead of getting it inside the cervices only. Doesn't matter. I did it correctly now, but curing time has to happen, so I will be showering here today.

That's super sweet of you to say, about the pb and crackers I mean.

I don't have a clue about caulking, except to patch up walls and whatnot. Never had to caulk a tub.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by carcrashonrepeat

That's super sweet of you to say, about the pb and crackers I mean.

I don't have a clue about caulking, except to patch up walls and whatnot. Never had to caulk a tub.

It takes fifteen minutes, nine of which are prep. They thought they could just pile on more over the old and it would be ok. So far from the truth

[WasabiAlmonds]

Anxiety is just another word for excitement.

[Open Eyes]

This woman clearly likes me, for whatever reason. I'm down, for whatever reason, and don't want to figure it out.

You are "down" because you still have challenges with your sense of self worth. "Am I going to be good enough?".

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You are "down" because you still have challenges with your sense of self worth. "Am I going to be good enough?".

Of course I'm not good enough. Your point exactly.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You are "down" because you still have challenges with your sense of self worth. "Am I going to be good enough?".

Wait though... If you thought I was feeling down, no I'm not. I'm very excited and anxious and feeling happy and abandoned (because she's not here yet but assures me that she's coming).
I used "I'm down" to mean "I'm in and up for wherever and whatever happens." All the distance though

[Open Eyes]

A person can be excited and fearful and feel self doubt at the same time. Relax, have a nice time and try not to set a design on this woman.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Of course I'm not good enough. Your point exactly.

I am not telling you you are not good enough. Give yourself a break YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH SorryShaped.

[SorryShaped]

Well it all went sideways.
She was fixing food to bring and got nervous and had a few drinks which turned into a lot of drinks.
If effit became effort in a winner.
I've had a lot of drinks, closing on the whole bottle of vodka without food and started listening to some dark industrial, better and further than NiN and am totally off the rails.
I honestly tried to meditate first for over twenty-five minutes, but the rage of "you chose that over me" took hold and I'm contemplating going out to raise a serious amount of trouble right now. I won't, I assure you dear reader, only because I don't want to have to tell you what I've done. The option bringing guilt stops me flat. We'll cling to that. I at least am.
My trust is now back to zero in others.
Happy g---amn birthday to me!
F---- everyone that I meet in person. They're all going to hurt me, justifiably, for my past. Maybe I should just be justified to myself.
Right now kmfdm's "go to hell" is playing. Quel Appropos

[carcrashonrepeat]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Well it all went sideways.
She was fixing food to bring and got nervous and had a few drinks which turned into a lot of drinks.
If effit became effort in a winner.
I've had a lot of drinks, closing on the whole bottle of vodka without food and started listening to some dark industrial, better and further than NiN and am totally off the rails.
I honestly tried to meditate first for over twenty-five minutes, but the rage of "you chose that over me" took hold and I'm contemplating going out to raise a serious amount of trouble right now. I won't, I assure you dear reader, only because I don't want to have to tell you what I've done. The option bringing guilt stops me flat. We'll cling to that. I at least am.
My trust is now back to zero in others.
Happy g---amn birthday to me!
F---- everyone that I meet in person. They're all going to hurt me, justifiably, for my past. Maybe I should just be justified to myself.
Right now kmfdm's "go to hell" is playing. Quel Appropos

I'm so sorry for how you feel right now. Just to be clear, she was nervous about seeing you and began to drink? Was she too drunk to come over?

Also the last part "They're all going to hurt me, justifiably, for my past." - Why do you feel this way? Do you think your girlfriend was trying to hurt you by drinking?

How are you doing? Have the two of you spoken?

[divine1966]

Sorry to hear that. was she supposed to travel long distance as driving far or public transit? She got too drunk to travel? How well do you know each other to know if that’s regular occurrence for her? I hope you are feeling better today and it could be resolved one way or the other

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by carcrashonrepeat

I'm so sorry for how you feel right now. Just to be clear, she was nervous about seeing you and began to drink? Was she too drunk to come over?

Also the last part "They're all going to hurt me, justifiably, for my past." - Why do you feel this way? Do you think your girlfriend was trying to hurt you by drinking?

How are you doing? Have the two of you spoken?

She did make it in. I'm still beyond p!$$3d that she drove inebriated, but I'm grateful she's safe. She kept wanting sex last night and I was not in a mindset to do so, which she didn't understand, but I persevered with it not happening. I was also very drunk by the time she got here and I won't when I've been drinking, especially the first time with someone.
At one point last night I started to understand something new to me, that I'm way too attached to everything in my life.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sorry to hear that. was she supposed to travel long distance as driving far or public transit? She got too drunk to travel? How well do you know each other to know if that’s regular occurrence for her? I hope you are feeling better today and it could be resolved one way or the other

It's not a regular occurrence. She was very nervous. She wasn't really intoxicated to a point of being legally so, but that she drove Very Long distance after drinking is bothersome, to put it mildly

[divine1966]

Good for you for not having sex intoxicated. Just be careful as you’ve only met twice and you can’t possibly know what’s regular for her. Typically people who don’t drink don’t use alcohol to calm themselves before getting on a road and don’t drive intoxicated. Very reckless of her. Insisting on drunken sex isn’t very attractive either. I am not telling you to end it but proceed with caution, she sounds more trouble than it’s worth.