[Eleny]

I met someone whilst travelling who had tried to commit suicide, I am naturally caring so did my best to help him and in doing so developed feelings for him. We are now living together and he is extremely dependent on me. He has no friends of his own and gets upset if I want to spend time with mine. He does not work but instead waits at home for me to finish work. I feel he has made me his everything but I am now starting to want to leave what I feel is a toxic relationship. I’m tired and feel sad all the time. His self esteem is so low that anything I say to him is taken up completely wrong and he then gets depressed. I want to leave but I’m terrified of what will happen to him because I am all he has. The slightest thing I say can send him into a spiral of depression so what will happen when I leave?? I’ve encouraged him to go home to his family but he won’t. I’ve also encouraged him to go to therapy but he won’t. It’s like a nightmare and I don’t know what to do.

[unaluna]

He is not weak - he is very powerful. He is totally controlling you. So dont feel sorry for him - feel sorry for yourself! Do what you need to do to save yourself. Get whatever legal or therapy help you need to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation.

What is stopping you from leaving? Who pays the rent / is responsible for the lease, if any? Are you afraid he will harm you?

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Eleny,

I am sorry you are in this position. It can be very worrisome and very burdensome when someone depends upon us so much.

I think you are going to have to decide to take care of yourself first.
It sounds like you are ready to let go of the relationship?

I think you have to lay some ground rules and be honest about feeling trapped.
I feel it's possible to do this kindly. Speak from your heart.

Please seek therapy for lots of support and so you are less likely to fall into the same/similar trap again. Rescuers can feel great about rescuing, until they get burnt out! This situation had initially served a purpose for you both.

I hope you can terminate this relationship safely for all. In the end, you are not responsible should your friend decide to harm himself over a relationship break-up.

Keep posting, as many here will likely share ideas with you!

Be safe!

WC

[divine1966]

It’s your place, so “encourage” to leave is not good enough. He needs to be told to leave . If he refuses to leave, call the police or talk to a lawyer. He is a moocher, lives off you while not even being nice to you. He needs to go. Invite police over for protection put stuff out and change your locks. Life is too short to put up with BS

[MickeyCheeky]

You can only help him up to a certain point - he's the one who has to help himself. If he won't leave, won't go to therapy, won't do anything to help himself... I don't think you should feel so guilty about leaving him.

[possum220]

So you have been with this guy since feb? Saw this in a previous post. Who owns this place? Time to get serious and either you move out or he does.
He is responsible for his own life, his own debts. The longer you leave this the worse it will be.

I had a rather similar situation with my ex fiance, who did not work, who mooched off of me financially, and who was 100% dependent on me in every way. He, too, had had an attempt, was suicidal while living with me and also very depressed. I kicked him out eventually. He was manipulating me 100% into caring for him and taking care of him. He wanted a mother, not an equal partner.

I feel that this guy is doing something similar to you -- manipulating you into thinking he may attempt again if you leave him because he gets depressed any time you say something about how you feel.

Take my advice -- leave him, or else he will continue to suck you dry of every ounce of energy. Or get him to leave, as others have suggested. He needs to stand on his own two feet and you shouldn't have to play "mom". He has to learn to take care of himself -- you cannot do this for him. I learned the hard way myself... please take care of yourself. And you should be able to spend time with your friends without feeling guilty. He needs a life -- you cannot be his entire world in every single way. You're right -- that is not healthy.

[Bill3]

I agree with everyone else.

Put an end to this relationship.

You can do it!

[melangey]

I'll just say this right now and I hope I don't hurt anyone:

Suicide is not something someone "tries" and people who commit suicide do NOT use it as a tactic to control someone else. It is a lonely, hopeless state that you don't leave. If he's lived this long (especially if you're paying his way) he is not going to kill himself. He obviously thinks too highly of himself to do that.

And if he does? I'm sorry, but so what? If he truly is going to do it, would you rather:

He commits suicide in your home?

or

He does it and you never, ever find out because that crazy dude is out of your world?

Think about it. I hope you make the right decision. My fiancé has crossed some lines with me but he's never gone to abuse or manipulation. I just don't understand that at all.

[Eleny]

Thank you for all the responses on this. I know I should leave him but I can’t explain how difficult it is for me. I’m constantly tired and stressed over it and I wake up with nightmares most nights. I am desperate to be alone again because although I love him he feels like a bit of a dead weight.. he follows me everywhere and has no goals or real life of his own which I feel so guilty saying but it’s true. Everything is based on me. If I leave him he will be completely and utterly alone. It’s so hard and it’s starting to really destroy me mentally. I know what the right thing for me is to do but all I can think is the effects it will have on him and because I care so much for him I’m really scared. It’s gotten so bad I found myself thinking “If I was dead I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore”. I want to cry all the time and I’ve never felt so alone and helpless.

Originally Posted by Eleny

Thank you for all the responses on this. I know I should leave him but I can’t explain how difficult it is for me. I’m constantly tired and stressed over it and I wake up with nightmares most nights. I am desperate to be alone again because although I love him he feels like a bit of a dead weight.. he follows me everywhere and has no goals or real life of his own which I feel so guilty saying but it’s true. Everything is based on me. If I leave him he will be completely and utterly alone. It’s so hard and it’s starting to really destroy me mentally. I know what the right thing for me is to do but all I can think is the effects it will have on him and because I care so much for him I’m really scared. It’s gotten so bad I found myself thinking “If I was dead I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore”. I want to cry all the time and I’ve never felt so alone and helpless.

I felt the same way about my ex fiance. I felt responsible for keeping him alive. Then I realized that what I had was very toxic to my health, so I kicked him out and he became homeless. He was homeless before I took him in, so he was in the same position he already was in.

Thing is, you are not helpless. You can make choices here. You can choose to ask him to leave. You cannot be fully responsible for this person's life. He is not your child. You are not obligated like you would be with a child. But you are taking him on as just that -- a child you need to take care of. By keeping him there, you are enabling his dependence on you. You need to break free of that mentally and save yourself from drowning. Your mental health should come first.

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I felt the same way about my ex fiance. I felt responsible for keeping him alive. Then I realized that what I had was very toxic to my health, so I kicked him out and he became homeless. He was homeless before I took him in, so he was in the same position he already was in.

Thing is, you are not helpless. You can make choices here. You can choose to ask him to leave. You cannot be fully responsible for this person's life. He is not your child. You are not obligated like you would be with a child. But you are taking him on as just that -- a child you need to take care of. By keeping him there, you are enabling his dependence on you. You need to break free of that mentally and save yourself from drowning. Your mental health should come first.

Thank you. I am actually going travelling now without him which took a huge amount to do, and he strongly resisted and became extremely upset but it’s happening. I have told him we will meet up in 3 months and he’s set on that but I’m looking forward to the break even though the guilt is killing me. He really feels like a child and I feel fully responsible for him, so it’s nice to hear from someone else whose been through similar! Can I ask what happened to your ex fiancé in the end? Did you get over the guilt of feeling responsible?

Originally Posted by Eleny

Thank you. I am actually going travelling now without him which took a huge amount to do, and he strongly resisted and became extremely upset but it’s happening. I have told him we will meet up in 3 months and he’s set on that but I’m looking forward to the break even though the guilt is killing me. He really feels like a child and I feel fully responsible for him, so it’s nice to hear from someone else whose been through similar! Can I ask what happened to your ex fiancé in the end? Did you get over the guilt of feeling responsible?

I am very glad you are traveling -- good for you! Maybe it will give u both the strength to end things once you get back. Distance helps!!!

I ended up buying my ex a ticket back to his home state -- I did feel guilty while he was homeless, but I shouldn't have been. He created the issues between us and the situation we were both in.

((((((Hugs))))))