The Unfriending

I don't have a Facebook because of my family and their friends. I heard the horrible things that were posted about !e that were untrue.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

I'm sorry. She sound toxic!

It sound like a plan.

I’m not angry any more, just very hurt. It stings to know I was very unimportant to my family. I obviously offended my sister by saying an expletive to her. That was enough for her. My mom has not called me. It’s been a week and a half.

In the past, it’s always been me who was so upset by this that either I called or put my husband up to calling. I’m not calling this time.

I imagine they are gossiping about me behind my back. Tsk, tsk, T is such a whatever! It doesn’t bother me. I’m fine with this break from them. I know I played a part in this and they think it’s me who is the toxic one, so I can just slink away...fine.

Do other families act this way? Do “loved ones” stop talking to you when they don’t like that you have been hurt by them or put up a boundary? Are people really so disposable in other families?

I haven’t been back to stupid facebook either.

I’m obsessively reading DBT and psych articles. I’m hesitant to get into anything with anybody, avoiding any possible conflict. I know if someone does something to make me feel upset or attacked, I’ll have to go run to my DBT book for coping techniques.

But I am quite content with the alone time and all the reading. I’ve eliminated toxic people and only spend time and energy on better, healthier relationships. I am working on improving myself. It’s all good.

How to Cut Ties with Family Members Who Hurt You (with Pictures)

The only thing for me to do is nothing. My mother made an antagonistic comment, refusing to engage me in the conversation about how much my niece hurt me and has not called me, and possibly never will. If she does, I’m not sure what to do. My sister may be thinking I don’t ever want to speak to her again because I yelled at her about how much my niece hurt me and how my sister wouldn’t even defend me and told her to F herself. She may never call again, and I don’t know what I’d say if she did.

This wiki article will help me just do nothing and let them go. I don’t want to be the abuser or manipulator. I am not going to get the empathy I want. So, I just have to do nothing and move on.

I tested my family to see if I was important to them and I wasn’t. There’s no righting the wrong of the early childhood abuse. I never was and will never be important to these people. They don’t love me if they don’t care about me. So moving forward to find nice friends.

I dont know about your family, but if i sense that someone is testing me, i will fail on purpose. My mom used to yell at my dad to hurry up and he would purposely slow down. and ya know, testing is tricky. Like in psychological testing, you have to control all the variables, and you can suss out correlation but not necessarily causation, etc. So you might be giving your testing methods more credit and more power than they should really have. Just some thoughts. Cuz i HATE when people test in relationships - my family and my first h did it to me, and i really really hate it. Like theyre so smart they can design a test? I think not.

Here’s how I am guilty of testing them:

In reaction to a threatening, bullying action by my niece, her post about ‘if you don’t agree with me, unfriend me now’, I posted how I was getting off social media and was very “triggered” by my niece’s “abrasive and bullying” post, and I tagged her.

So, that was a test, where I was hoping she would affirm that even though we may disagree about politics, she had no intention of unfriending her aunt. Instead, she unfriended me.

Then I hoped that the rest of my family would tell her that was not cool and defend me, even put pressure on her to undo it and cut the crap.

While my one sister defended me on the thread prior to the unfriending by saying I basically HAD no political views, and my mother espoused some eloquent babble about freedom of speech, after the unfriending, NO ONE said anything.

When that happened, I got upset with my husband and one son who said they witnessed the post as it was happening and they didn’t say anything. That’s when I wrote them all a group text about how I need them to defend me when it’s warranted or explain to me why it’s not.

I have PTSD. It goes back to my childhood of being verbally and emotionally attacked and being treated as insignificant and unimportant. And those same family members were witnesses who did not defend me then. So it’s like I am trying to be vindicated now.

So, my faulty thinking is that a family would care if they saw upsetting mistreatment be done to their loved one and stand up for them. I don’t know why it is lacking in my family. I don’t know why I am underserving of it. But I accept it. However, I don’t want to have anything to do with them because they don’t care about me.

They don’t want to have anything to do with me either. No one will ever call the other again. I’m probably the only one even thinking about this incident anymore. They all just put me right out of their minds.

I want them to care about me, but they won’t.

I “called out” my niece “embarrassing” her and then texted her saying “let’s take back the fake I love you’s. If you unfriend me on facebook, you unfriend me IRL.”

Then my sister called to defend her daughter. See family members do defend those they love! I told her off for not saying anything while witnessing the posting to defend me and told her and her daughter to go F themselves. Even though I reminded her I have PTSD and other diagnoses, they don’t care. My mother refuses to recognize any “psychobabble” at all!

So what I did was enough to be written off by all of them. Ok. Gotta move on.

And nearly two weeks ago, I called my mom saying “I am so angry at what happened.” She mocked me saying, “I see you are having a bad day.” I said, “Goodbye Mom” and hung up. That’s the last I heard from her. She will NEVER call me again. That’s all that took.

It’s time to take out of storage my Holiday Friends and Family Inflatable Dolls! I’m dusting them off and sitting them at my table!

A person who writes a post, “If you still support the Kavanaugh nomination, unfriend me now”, is “embarrassed by being called out” on my post? I see how I was wrong to do that. It was an impulsive action due to a traumatic reaction. And I am not proud of telling her to F herself. However, I do mean the sentiment regarding how their treatment of me deeply hurt me. So I’m not calling or apologizing.

It’s just an unfortunate turn of events and how I lost my family. I truly don’t mean anything to them if this incident was cause to act like they have.

And I’ve been such a good daughter and sister. I’ve been loving and giving. I had just gone to visit them and paid for a lot. She and her daughter made a dinner at their houses, too. It seemed like we had a good relationship.

This incident, with me who is dealing with having emotional issues, was enough to end it.

It going to take me a lot of time to get over this, if ever.

Am I missing something? What are they thinking? Are they thinking they are waiting for me to call and apologize or they will never talk to me again? Do I owe that to them? Do I owe my mother an apology for getting off the phone because she was so unsupportive? What the heck is really going on here? Can anyone make sense of this?

My mother knows how much her phone games and silent treatment hurts me because she has done this time and time again and when I tell her how much it hurts me she says, “That’s stupid!”

Shalom. We've messaged each other before, a while ago. I'm the Hungarian living in England. Not married, no kids, and my only relative is my mother, who is frail and in her late 80s and lives with me. This is my take on it for what it's worth. I apologise in advance if it upsets you, so if you're not in a good place, don't read it.

I would give anything to have a family. All my celebration dinners and events were with my parents. I've never been on holidays to visit anyone. Or had birthday cards or presents. Or been for a meal out. Or gone to a wedding or a funeral. I've just had my mum and dad. And for the last 13 years, just my mum. I realise our lives are very different and none of this changes what happened to you recently or in your childhood, but if it were me? I'd ignore it. I'd let it pass me by without a comment, because it wouldn't matter to me. A careless comment on social media should not lead to a rift that leads to a life like mine with no one. Don't look for apologies or explanations or understanding. Everyone has their own ****. You have what you have, they have theirs. But they're YOUR FAMILY. I realise I've idealised one given my own background. And many people on this site have one they never want to hear from or see again. I get that. But let it slide, chill and enjoy your own life. Just my thoughts. Good wishes to you all.

Even though it is not my country and politics, we north of the border too have become very divided over US politics as we cannot sit idly by and watch the upheaval.

I have had the 'pleasure' of cutting off ties with both friends and family over my frustration with the ridiculousness and ardent stands they have taken. How can they possibly think that way and say what amounts to very hurtful and belittling statements. I personally cannot abide by such behaviour - especially when it comes at the expense of others. If you cannot observe the basic rights of others based of race, creed, who they love, etc then I have a problem. Being respectful of another person'ts beliefs in such has no place here. I don't need to hear or see such vindictive statements and behaviour - and turf they go family or not family.

The Clinician's Guide to Helping Client's Heal from Trauma Bonds: Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships | The Recovery Expert

Another article to help me moving forward.

I’ll just keep my distance and not call, and stay off social media. It hurts too much to be disregarded and punished by my mother. She’s cruel. I’m sorry to lose my sister, but this was all it took. I’m very unimportant and not too likable. I’ll just keep to myself and put on a pleasant appearance.

Thank you all for your comments.

I'm sorry that this happens to you. They should have defended you instead.

Perhaps that the DBT can help you in many ways. What do you have to lose?

My family do this to me a the time. Just yesterday !y sister eat friend who refused to get any help for her delusional claims that she can't be friends with her if out don't like her boyfriend or her husband I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. You have is to support you.

I don't believe that you are the abuser or the manipulator. I think your sister and niece has a lot of power and your parents don't know how to stand up to your sister.

It sound like a plan.

Never thought about that myself!

Sometimes we have to cut people out of our life. Who.are draining ud.