[mattdadd]

I just entered my first relationship ever. Before we started dating, we were already best friends for a couple of years. We get along really well and care about each other a lot. The only thing is that I'm not physically attracted to my S/O. I'm sure they're attractive to others, but I guess they just aren't my type.

I personally have no problem with dating despite the lack of attraction on my side; however, I'm worried this might cause issues in the future. Does anyone have experience with this? Or advice? Is there anything I should be careful of? Or is this relationship already a bad idea?

Please let me know what you think!

[ShadowGX]

Are you the sort of person who can develop attraction over time? If there's a chance you are, it can't hurt to keep dating her and see where it goes. If you're certain you will never find her attractive, it would be kinder to both of you to not waste time, possibly hurting her down the road when you find someone you are attracted to and would rather be with them.

If you do choose to stay with her, don't lead her on at all by giving her reason to think you're really into her when you're not. It may be difficult, but it may come to a point where you need to be honest with her that you're just not feeling it.

[Iloivar]

Im curious as to why you have no issue with that. Is your sex drive quite low? And if not, how would you work that out?

And personally , I would be upfront about this now rather than later. That in spite of a lack of physical attraction, you're still willing to date her. But let her weigh in whether she's still willing to date you. Sure, saying that will likely hurt her feelings. But it's preferable now rather than later when your lack of attraction can become an issue later on, and for her as well since she could start to notice. Also while you two are not to deep into the relationship, forming a stronger attachment.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Iloivar

Im curious as to why you have no issue with that. Is your sex drive quite low? And if not, how would you work that out?

And personally , I would be upfront about this now rather than later. That in spite of a lack of physical attraction, you're still willing to date her. But let her weigh in whether she's still willing to date you. Sure, saying that will likely hurt her feelings. But it's preferable now rather than later when your lack of attraction can become an issue later on, and for her as well since she could start to notice. Also while you two are not to deep into the relationship, forming a stronger attachment.

I've never experienced sexual attraction or had a sex drive. I think I'm romantically attracted to my S/O, but I'm not into their appearance. We just get along very well and I enjoy my time with them.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

Are you the sort of person who can develop attraction over time? If there's a chance you are, it can't hurt to keep dating her and see where it goes. If you're certain you will never find her attractive, it would be kinder to both of you to not waste time, possibly hurting her down the road when you find someone you are attracted to and would rather be with them.

If you do choose to stay with her, don't lead her on at all by giving her reason to think you're really into her when you're not. It may be difficult, but it may come to a point where you need to be honest with her that you're just not feeling it.

I'm not sure if I develop attraction over time as this is all very new to me. I really want to give us a chance though, so I think I'll give this relationship a little more time before deciding what to do.

[Underdevelopment]

It is their mind you genuinely fall in love with. Looks will fade, change. Physical attraction is certainly a part of the chemistry that can add to a relationship. It doesn't form a good basis for a relationship. Will it pose a problem in the future? I guess you could look at it this way - when your both 90 and she has stuck loyally by you and you her. Will it matter or been a negative when you've shared a lifetime of happiness together?

[Crazy Hitch]

I think it’s important. But it’s not the be all and end of a relationship although it can further down the track cause issues.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by mattdadd

I'm not sure if I develop attraction over time as this is all very new to me. I really want to give us a chance though, so I think I'll give this relationship a little more time before deciding what to do.

As an older person I would say good for you!


What is most important is that you like and respect the other person. Also, that you enjoy being together.

It's often the case that intense physical attraction fades when you aren't really into the personality of the one you are with.

Having said all this I can recall twice in my past where I was with people I wasn't too physically attracted to...and over time I became bored. One person just had a boring personality. The other person...although I loved him and found him wildly talented and a truly inwardly beautiful person...I thought he deserved someone who was also very attracted to him physically. He later found someone like that so it was a good ending. Truth be told I was sad it didn't work out between us...he was quite a catch...but in the end you can't push the river, so to speak.

[WishfulThinker66]

I must be blunt here because my immediate thought was, "Why would you then?"

[s4ndm4n2006]

Every relationship is different. What brings people together intimately and keeps them devoted and committed is different for every couple. There is no wrong or right reason for deciding to date someone and knowing the particular challenge ahead of time helps for you to be able to deal with it if it ever becomes a problem.

The only issue I would think could be a problem is if you hide the fact that you feel the way you do from her. I think it's fair that you get to ask the question whether or not it's ok to date her but I don't think it's fair that she doesn't get to ask the same question before deciding whether or not to date you. What I mean is, she needs to know what she's getting into also and without all the information you've just given here, she' would I think, assume you are attracted to her also.

Please consider this.

[aimlesshiker]

I sort of had the same mindset with my ex. We were ultra-compatible in the sense we enjoyed the same hobbies, activities, etc., but I was not *super* attracted to him. For years I just thought I had a low sex drive, but more and more I realized I just didn't want to have sex because he didn't turn me on.

But I kept suffering through the relationship (it wasn't just the physical part, he was also not treating me super well and was depressed), and I just held onto the fact that we got along.

I've had crushes on other people since the breakup earlier this year, and the difference I can tell is that not only do we get along, but they turn me on. They give me a fluttery feeling in my chest. I almost never felt that way with my ex, not even in the beginning. Because I really was not attracted to his body, at all.

Everyone is different and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but just telling you my experience. I wish you luck as you try to figure this out!

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand what you mean, mattdadd! It's not an easy decision! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given PLENTY of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly CAN if you want to! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could about you talking to her about this and seeing how it goes from there! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! I DO believe it is important to be honest with her and to consider what you're doing her and how do you see her exactly! If you DO believe physical attraction is important to you, then you may just want to be honest with her! If you DO believe you can handle, then I'd say just go for it, although I'd suggest to just be honest in that case as well! It's ALL amatter of priorities and what EXACTLY are you looking for in a relationship in my opinion! I'd suggest to ask yourself that and decide what you want to do EXACTLY! It is not easy and it will take time, but IT CAN BE DONE! Just consider it, ok? Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION IT and we'll do EVERYTHING THAT WE POSSIBLY CAN and we'll TRY TO DO OUR BEST to HELP YOU OUT! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK!!!!! Let us know how things are going for you! We DO want know how things are going for you and if they're getting ANY better! We'll ALWAYS be here for you and we'll ALWAYS be here for you and WE'LL NEVER JUDGE YOU and WE'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Please keep us updated AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN if you want to, ok? Sending many gentle, kind, safe, warm and WONDERFUL hugs and MANY POSITIVE THOUGHTS ALONG YOUR WAY, mattdadd!!!!!

Originally Posted by mattdadd

I just entered my first relationship ever. Before we started dating, we were already best friends for a couple of years. We get along really well and care about each other a lot. The only thing is that I'm not physically attracted to my S/O. I'm sure they're attractive to others, but I guess they just aren't my type.

I personally have no problem with dating despite the lack of attraction on my side; however, I'm worried this might cause issues in the future. Does anyone have experience with this? Or advice? Is there anything I should be careful of? Or is this relationship already a bad idea?

Please let me know what you think!

Absolutely NOT ok. Not ok.

You are treating this person as a "place holder" until you meet someone who checks all the boxes you want for a truly compatible relationship.

How can you do that with a clear conscience? That's really selfish on your part.

You even sound apathetic about it. Like, I don't mind dating this person whom I have zero attraction to, but I'm worried I'll get caught and have to deal with fallout that will be unpleasant for me to experience. That's the way I read the tone of your post.

First, this is dishonest on a basic level. If you're truly 'best friends' with this person, then you should tell him/her immediately that you're not really sexually attracted to them. If he/she is your 'best friend' they will appreciate the fact that you respect him/her enough to be upfront and honest.

Second, if you choose to hide this significant truth, it will come back to bite you and will not only destroy the romantic connection, but will also destroy the 'best friend' connection, most likely permanently. Because, it's betrayal on every level, to hide the truth from someone you label as 'best friend.'

If are scared to be honest and respect this person enough to tell them your truth -- that you have sexual dysfunction (from medication or other causes), then they will definitely lose respect and trust in you.

I went through this with a guy I dated for 8 months. When he finally told me he liked me but didn't love me and had lied to me for 8 months telling me things he thought I wanted to hear, well, I was devastated and I felt betrayed and angry. Needless to say, he got married a couple months after we broke up, to another woman he didn't have that problem with.

So, it could be that you are lonely and hate being single, and want to be in a couple no matter what the cost is for your 'best friend.' If that is the case, I'd encourage you to look inward and examine why you would sacrifice your 'best friend' to get your own emotional needs met at his/her expense.

No it's never ok or justifiable to lie to someone especially when it comes to dating. Why on earth would you date someone you're not attracted to? That's just wrong on so many levels. If I sound unsympathetic, it's because I am, having been manipulated and lied to by the guy I described in my response here. He had a choice: he didn't have to lie to me. He could have kept our connection platonic and not misled me the way that he did...all because he was lonely.

Do you know how common this is? People 'pretend' to be attracted to someone just b/c they are lonely, bored, or want to hide their real sexuality from the public. Gay people in straight relationships, is a perfect example of dating someone you're not attracted to.

Or, you're so lonely that you enter into a dating relationship with someone you like a lot, but are repulsed by or have no attraction to, b/c it's better than the alternative of being alone. Yet, the other person's feelings or desires never come into your consideration b/c the end goal is for you to avoid dealing with the truth of why you're doing this.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I must be blunt here because my immediate thought was, "Why would you then?"

Because we were already extremely close and I care about them a lot. I just don't find their appearance attractive.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Absolutely NOT ok. Not ok.

You are treating this person as a "place holder" until you meet someone who checks all the boxes you want for a truly compatible relationship.

How can you do that with a clear conscience? That's really selfish on your part.

You even sound apathetic about it. Like, I don't mind dating this person whom I have zero attraction to, but I'm worried I'll get caught and have to deal with fallout that will be unpleasant for me to experience. That's the way I read the tone of your post.

First, this is dishonest on a basic level. If you're truly 'best friends' with this person, then you should tell him/her immediately that you're not really sexually attracted to them. If he/she is your 'best friend' they will appreciate the fact that you respect him/her enough to be upfront and honest.

Second, if you choose to hide this significant truth, it will come back to bite you and will not only destroy the romantic connection, but will also destroy the 'best friend' connection, most likely permanently. Because, it's betrayal on every level, to hide the truth from someone you label as 'best friend.'

If are scared to be honest and respect this person enough to tell them your truth -- that you have sexual dysfunction (from medication or other causes), then they will definitely lose respect and trust in you.

I went through this with a guy I dated for 8 months. When he finally told me he liked me but didn't love me and had lied to me for 8 months telling me things he thought I wanted to hear, well, I was devastated and I felt betrayed and angry. Needless to say, he got married a couple months after we broke up, to another woman he didn't have that problem with.

So, it could be that you are lonely and hate being single, and want to be in a couple no matter what the cost is for your 'best friend.' If that is the case, I'd encourage you to look inward and examine why you would sacrifice your 'best friend' to get your own emotional needs met at his/her expense.

No it's never ok or justifiable to lie to someone especially when it comes to dating. Why on earth would you date someone you're not attracted to? That's just wrong on so many levels. If I sound unsympathetic, it's because I am, having been manipulated and lied to by the guy I described in my response here. He had a choice: he didn't have to lie to me. He could have kept our connection platonic and not misled me the way that he did...all because he was lonely.

Do you know how common this is? People 'pretend' to be attracted to someone just b/c they are lonely, bored, or want to hide their real sexuality from the public. Gay people in straight relationships, is a perfect example of dating someone you're not attracted to.

Or, you're so lonely that you enter into a dating relationship with someone you like a lot, but are repulsed by or have no attraction to, b/c it's better than the alternative of being alone. Yet, the other person's feelings or desires never come into your consideration b/c the end goal is for you to avoid dealing with the truth of why you're doing this.

I don't think of them as a placeholder, and being in a relationship isn't important to me. I've rejected people who asked me out in the past because I wasn't attracted to them at all or I didn't think we'd work out. My S/O is aware that I don't experience sexual attraction, and they're fine with it. We've discussed it. I'm attracted to them romantically, I just don't care much for their appearance.

Hell mattdad. I have dated people to whom I was not physically attracted. I don't think physical appearance is very important. I appreciate a good character, humor, similar values etc. Those are lasting connections as opposed to height, nice face etc. Interestingly, sexual attraction can grow and evolve over time when you meet someone who is very interesting in other ways. Though I realize that may not be the case for you since you don't have sexual attractions. Nothing wrong with that. Do what works for you and your other half. I wish you both peace, laughter, and adventures!

I had another thought on this very interesting topic you raised Mattdad. There are folks who experience severe and permanent disfigurement as a result of burns or surgeries to remove cancer (I knew one man who lost an eye and a large part of his brain and skull due to surgery to remove brain tumors) and many of them will enter into relationships. Their partners may not perceive them as physically beautiful or handsome....does that mean they should never date again?? Does that mean that the people who date them are dishonest or doing something wrong?? Absolutely not! Thanks for raising this topic and for sharing your truth!

[Rose76]

You've got to be wary of encouraging this other person to have feelings for you that will not be reciprocated. Eventually, your S.O. will want sex, don't you think? It's hard to have sexual intimacy with someone you feel unattracted to.

But it sounds like you've tried to be fairly honest with this other person. Still, I'll bet the two of you have different long-term expectations. That's apt to lead to somebody getting hurt.

[divine1966]

Attraction has nothing to do with physical appearance. One doesn’t need to be physically attractive for their partners to feel attraction. Attraction is much more complicated than noticing someone’s good looks. Plenty of people are attracted to their partners but don’t objectively find them gorgeous. Attraction is way more complex than that

If you aren’t feeling attraction and don’t want sexual relationship with your partner, then it’s all fine as long as they feel the same. If you mutually aren’t attracted to each other and agree upon platonic partnership, then it’s all good. Does your partner tell you they are ok with all this? If yes then there are no issues.

[divine1966]

I also wonder what’s different in your interactions now when you aren’t just friends and are dating? Going by you saying that you don’t really care about relationships and it sounds like there is no chemistry between you two, what prompted you to date versus remain friends?

And what do you two doing now that you think makes it dating in comparison to those years when you were friends?

Not saying you must answer these questions here but just a food for thought for you and for us some more understanding of dynamics between you two (if you do answer)

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I just honestly think you need to find someone that is asexual as you are that will not place any priority on attraction either.

I always expected to date someone who identifies as asexual. I thought it'd be easier that way. But at the same time, it's difficult to actually find people who are openly asexual (and who are compatible with me). My S/O was aware that I considered myself asexual two years prior to asking me out, and I reminded them after we started dating. It currently causes no issues for us, but I'm aware it could cause some in the future. I don't feel like a possible issue is good enough reason to break it off with my S/O though, so I'm going to take this relationship one day at a time.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You've got to be wary of encouraging this other person to have feelings for you that will not be reciprocated. Eventually, your S.O. will want sex, don't you think? It's hard to have sexual intimacy with someone you feel unattracted to.

But it sounds like you've tried to be fairly honest with this other person. Still, I'll bet the two of you have different long-term expectations. That's apt to lead to somebody getting hurt.

When we discuss the future, we seem to have the same plan. We want the same things (sex being the outlier). But I am attracted to my S/O. I'm attracted to them emotionally, romantically, and intimately; however I don't find their appearance attractive (I don't think they're unattractive, but physically, they aren't my type) and I don't experience sexual attraction.

Currently, my S/O says they're fine if we don't have sex, but I'm aware that can change. For now, I'll just discuss things with them further.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Would be best to ask yourself @OP, why are you questioning it if she's fine with it? Did something happen to make you question whether you're doing the right thing or not? Did she bring it up? Seems like something is unanswered here about the reason you're wondering and that may or may not be known to you but I think it's worth asking yourself.

My S/O has explicitly told me they understand our situation and that they are fine with it. They even told me not to worry. But I'm a natural worrier. And since this is my first relationship, I felt the need to ask for advice. There are currently no issues with us, but since my understanding of sexual attraction is limited, I wanted to get an outside opinion on how this could impact the future. Rest assured, nothing happened to make me ask this. I was just laying in bed one night before deciding to type out my question.

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I also wonder what’s different in your interactions now when you aren’t just friends and are dating? Going by you saying that you don’t really care about relationships and it sounds like there is no chemistry between you two, what prompted you to date versus remain friends?

And what do you two doing now that you think makes it dating in comparison to those years when you were friends?

Not saying you must answer these questions here but just a food for thought for you and for us some more understanding of dynamics between you two (if you do answer)

We have a lot of chemistry. When I said I don't really care about relationships, I was trying to say that being in one wasn't such a priority in my life that I simply rushed into the first one that presented itself to me. Sorry if my wording was confusing.

Anyway, to answer your question about what changed between us... Well, for starters, we are much more intimate. Obviously, it's nothing sexual; however we do kiss/cuddle/hug/hold hands/etc. We go on dates instead of group outings. And our conversations have become much more flirty (but also deep and meaningful at times). Prior to dating, our relationship basically just consisted of us playing video games together.

Originally Posted by mattdadd

I always expected to date someone who identifies as asexual. I thought it'd be easier that way. But at the same time, it's difficult to actually find people who are openly asexual (and who are compatible with me). My S/O was aware that I considered myself asexual two years prior to asking me out, and I reminded them after we started dating. It currently causes no issues for us, but I'm aware it could cause some in the future. I don't feel like a possible issue is good enough reason to break it off with my S/O though, so I'm going to take this relationship one day at a time.

That sounds both reasonable and wise Mattdadd. Best wishes to you and your SO.