My girlfriend doesn't accept my family

We have been dating for more than 4 years now. From the past few months, my girlfriend doesn't want to be involved in anything related to my family. She says that she cannot go along with my family. Once, when she came to my house, my mom did not interact with her properly. From that moment onwards, my gf does not want to get along at all. I am a kind of a person who thinks family is everything, but if she cannot walk by my side along with my principle, is this relation even worth? I love her very much and want to spend my whole life with her. Is there anything I can do to convince her?
Desperately in need of some advice.
Thanks.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now!. It doesn't sound like she the one for you without knowing more about the situation. It sound like she is too controlling. It will cause future problem should you have kids because she probably won't want your kids around the grandparents. Do you know why she doesn't like your family? !u advice is too dump someone who can't get along with your family.

I’m very sorry to hear of this difficult situation.

Has your mother apologized? If so, how did that go?

What does your family think of your girlfriend?

Sorry to hear that she's unwilling to compromise.

How's your relationship with her family? How's her relationship with her own family?

I have been having thoughts back and forth on whether she is the one for me or not. I know, she and I, both wanna be with eachother but as I said earlier, I am the who regards parents as everything. But she would want us to live seperately from the family. I dont wanna hurt her feelings as well. She is a "live freely" type of woman. I dont want to deprive her of that willingness but I also want her to be a happy part of the family.

Its not the fault of either one of them (my mom or my gf). My mom doesn't like her that much either. She has a different mentality of what a daughter-in-law should be. My dad is totally fine with her though.

I have a very good relation relationship with her family. They like me a lot. Infact, they treat me as their own son. They invite me in every festival, ceremony and even in their family gathering. They even share with me their problems, happiness and all. I really dont want to let them down because I like them very much too. They want us to get married ASAP. But I want my career to grow a little more and they are okay with it.
My gf also have a good relationship with her own family. Her dad passed away 2 years back. Since then, her mom has been looking after the house.
I wanna be a part of that family too, but I just want her to accept my family as well, and walk along with me through joy and tears of life.

It sound like it more her problem than your. If she respect you? She would not treat you this way.

Great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

If the significance other can't get along with your family? Than it a sign that your not meant to be together.

Are you an only son or only child? I only ask because as a mom of sons in the states we are socialized to believe whether it's entirely true or some broad generalization that sons grow up to leave their mom. So basically whoa is me for not having daughters?? It could just be wives tales who knows? I'll personally cross that bridge when I get there.
Maybe subconsciously the other sees threats? Threats = fear. I'm not sure why it's necessary to completely wash hands of your own family in your gf's eyes? I personally wouldn't dream of asking a man to not have anything more to do with his family. And I could personally learn to tolerate occassional etiquette as a compromise, hence not understanding fully nor comprehending such willfullness as your gf sounds like she is displaying.
Unless, I'm not understanding? You'd live seperately from either family, would you not?

You're in a tough situation. You're right to be very concerned, before permanently committing to this young woman. I have to wonder: How were things going for most of the last 4 years - up until a few months ago? Was this never a problem before lately?

If, after 4 years, your mom and gf don't really like each other, that's probably never going to change. The rule is: They are socially obligated to be courteous to each other. They do not have to love each other, or even like each other. But your mother has an obligation to be respectful to a young woman you are seriously involved with. Your gf has a duty to be polite and respectful toward your mom. If your gf is declaring that she just isn't willing to be around your mother, then maybe you do need to consider ending the relationship. She cannot ask you to choose between her and you mom. A family is kind of a package-deal.

It's very hard for two people to have a fight, if one person refuses to fight. Older people get set in their ways. I think your girlfriend needs to be flexible. After marriage, your wife becomes the #1 person in your life. You need to reassure your gf of that. Knowing that, she can afford to be generous and show some tolerance of your mom's ways. That does not mean you expect her to put up with abuse. If your mom really mistreats her, then she has a right to alert you to that. Then you can make an excuse that she needs to leave.

You have to be alert and pay attention to what's going on. Who is being mean to who? If your mom is really mistreating your gf, then it's your job to explain that you and your gf will have to step out and leave, if mom can't be fair to gf.

It may be unrealistic to expect your gf to agree to live in your mom's house after you and she marry.

You and your gf have much to talk about. Listen carefully to her. Reassure her of the place that a wife would have in your life. Then communicate what you what you would expect a wife to tolerate from your mother.

Welcome to Psych Central! I'm sorry this is happening. My mother-in-law didn't like me and my mother didn't like my husband. Yet, we all tolerated each other. But that said, we didn't spend much time with either side of the family.

I see you are from Nepal, so the guidelines and customs for married couples might be different from the U.S. What would be your idea of how much and how close your wife should be to your family?

I don't think it would be right if your girlfriend wanted you to never be with your family if you want to be close to them. But how close? I need to know more about what you expect. Okay?

Parents are not everything. If you believe that, stay single.

I have thought of giving her a choice of either accepting my family or leaving me. I hope I am doing good. Thanks @buffy01 for all the support.

Thank you rose76. I will have a serious talk with both parties. My mom has already accepted my gf even though she doesnt like some habits of my gf but I have a strong feeling that she would not want to stay with the family. She wants her life to be free like it is now, before marriage. In our culture, there are some boudaries for daughter-in-law that I want her to follow but I am pretty sure she will not.

I really need to re-think about this relationship and may have to end it, if my gf would not be able to respect my family.

No I am not the only son. I have a small brother who is studying in States.
Actually I would stay with my family as I really need to support them. And I want someone who would support me in this situation of mine which I rarely get from my gf.

Hello travelinglady. Here in Nepal, it is really important to have a good realtionship between two families. We usually do not stay seperate from our family. A girl once married to a guy usually stay with his family. I grew up in this culture and want her to accomodate herself in it. Her family wants the same as well but not her. She wants just her and me seperate from others.

I am the one looking and supporting my family and its my moral obligation to be with them. But she just dont want us to be with the family.

So you are saying that your gf is not so much against your mother but against the cultural practice of living in your family household after marriage.

She is not totally against my mom but she doesnt like my mom. She is not willing to stay together with the family.

It sounds that your girlfriend is more modern while you are more traditional as you want to live with parents while she wants to live separately as it’s more modern way. You and your girlfriend are just culturally different. If you want to live with parents after marriage you should marry conservative traditional girl. I don’t understand why people on here call your girlfriend controlling. Living in a separate household from your parents doesn’t make one controlling. You two just want two different ways of life.

If this is so important to you, then you might want to consider ending this relationship... it seems like you have two rather different outlooks on life. So unless she changes her mind (you can try to convince her, but not force her) I don't see many alternatives... I'm sorry to say this

your values matching your mate's are very important. If you have been with this person for as many years as you have and she does not feel the same as you do about the value of family then I'd say that she's probably not a good fit for a continued relationship. No there likely isn't anything that's going to convince her to change this and really you shouldn't. Making someone else comply with your set of values is never a good thing. Finding someone that shares your values is.

He has mentioned that her dad has passed away, but would he have wanted to live with her parents after getting married? I think living with in-laws will be harder than it sounds (def harder than living with your own parents). I personally wouldn't want to live with my S.O.'s parents, no matter how much I liked being around them. But I am not a traditional person...

The only way this relationship will improve is if they spent more time together. I think them avoiding each other will make things worse over time because the gap will widen between them and it'll get more awkward, as both your gf and your mom will feel uncomfortable to "make the first move." What do your parents like to do? Do something physical - like mini golf, play lawn games like cornhole or washers, or pool - so they won't be forced to make small talk.