My best friend is toxic, what should I do?

Hi everyone.

I'm having a huge problem with one of my friends, and it's making me feel really down and sad.

I met this friend at uni, and I knew she had mental health problems, but we always had a laugh anyway and helped each other through any rough times we were experiencing. My friend has anxiety and depression I'd say.

Since we left uni, we've had a really up and down relationship. My friend fell into a deep state of depression and I think felt like she had a lack of purpose. She went into a regular job (nothing specific to her degree), and was feeling very trapped from being stuck in her home town. She didn't have a social life and so no friends/no boyfriend etc. She regularly has fights with her family.

She ended up doing a course at a local college and became unhealthily obsessed with a teacher on the course. Since the course has ended, she has become even more obsessed and made several attempts to contact this person. She knows I don't think it's right so doesn't always tell me when she has contacted them. She goes through intense periods of feeling very up and down, going as far as to completely shut herself away from everyone for months. When we talk, it is very one sided, usually about her teacher. If I say anything about myself or my life, she will bring it right down and is generally very negative about everything except this person she's obsessed with, who she thinks is some sort of gift to the Earth.

This gets really frustrating for me and I regularly have to have a break from talking to her to re-energise myself as I find it really draining. I have a good relationship with one of my teachers, and she is so jealous that she doesn't like me mentioning anything about it. She is critical of my relationship (doesn't think he's right for me, has never liked him - she's never met him!), my job (thinks It's not what I really want to be doing), my social life (doesn't like me "being sociable") and even small things like my choices of TV program and music. If I now tell her about my worries, she won't make any attempt to calm me down or help, she'll just try to confirm that my fears will come true. For example (this could be a trigger for some), I suffer from quite bad death anxiety, to the extent that I get very upset about it. I use my beliefs and theories about it to comfort myself and give myself hope etc, but she just pulls my beliefs apart and tells me that "when we're dead we're dead, it's all a myth etc." It's fine if she believes that, but I don't think it's very sensitive to say that to someone who's petrified of dying. The weird thing is that on other days, she will tell me how she would like to join church or has written a letter to the universe! (end of trigger)

I'm at my wits end now and I'm at a loss about what to do. The friendship is so toxic. I try my best to be empathetic with her. I'm worried that if I take some time away to re-evaluate the friendship she will have nobody. I'm also too scared to tell her I might need to take some time away. She has in the past been a good friend, and is the one person who I used to feel I could say anything to. In a selfish way she is my best friend and I don't want to lose that either, but she just leaves me feeling drained and upset 80% of the time I talk to her.

Has anyone got any advice? I'm really in a conundrum Thanks!

The only and best advice I can give is to dump her as a friend and move on. She’s toxic to u. You have to care enough and more about your own needs than to worry about hers. She’s dragging you down and draining you. What are u getting out of it? Seems she is no longer the friend she used to be. Get out and find better people who lift you up and who are supportive of you. I would just honestly stop calling her and avoid her calls entirely. Sounds mean but she’s toxic and is doing you NO favors. She’s not a good friend.

Is she aware of how this is hurting YOU? You're trying your best to be a good friend to her, but I'm not sure she's doing the same. So perhaps you should make it clear that you don't like the way she is behaving and start to revalute your friendship with her if it's so toxic.

At least start distancing yourself from her gradually.

Realize that she has no empathy or consideration towards your feeling. She treats you like an object to dump her negativity on. It is not acceptable. You are a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

Distancing yourself from her is also in her best interest:

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. You want her to succeed.

She needs to learn that being toxic has consequences--losing friendships. Without consequences, she may never take her mental health seriously. By accepting her, you would be reinforcing her behavior.

You don’t owe anything to her to stay her friend because she’ll have no one else. If you back away, she’ll find others, or she’ll have to change her bad behavior to find new friends.

If she leaves you feeling upset 80% of the time, back away from her. What do you need a friend like that for? Go find a better friend.

Just make yourself too busy to have long talks or visits.

Have you told her at all how you feel? Maybe not this very angry version but a version that would tell her how her behavior is harming you? And what effect it has on you?

Also, can you just back off of contact with her and set some boundaries for yourself? Like of she starts being negative or talking about her teacher you could change the subject or say you have to leave. Eventually she'll get the idea that you won't sit around for negativity or for teacher talk.

I'm for trying to salvage friendships, if possible. But if someone is too toxic and you need distance, then that's it.

I'd say if you've tried to talk to her about it and she's not paying attention and is dragging you down, time to call the friendship a day

I agree with the other posters that suggested you stop interacting with this person. She is only looking for you to entertain HER needs and simply cannot respect your needs other than to hand you constant criticisms about any positive you have in your life. As we experience life and interacting with different people, while a person we come across can be interesting and engaging somewhat, that person may not be someone we can grow in any good long term relationship with. It's really ok to distance when you start experiencing that challenge.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! I had a friend similar and now my siblings are going through it. Perhaps now the time to reevaluate your friendship and really think about what do you want in your friendship. Ask your self how will it affected you if you cut ties or you stay in this friendship? What kind of boundaries are you willing to put up? Once you have that it will be easier to solve. Sometimes loneliness can cause a person to do things they never intended to do. Perhaps she doesn't know that she is hurting you. sometimes people give out advice thinking that they are helping you and really they are hurting you..

That good advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

I agree! Great advice!

Great advice!

Great advice! I will keep that in mind!

Thank you all for your advice! I’ve read every single post and the support has really touched me!

I have spoken to her before and told her there may be times where I need to back away for my own mental health. She knows she is a negative person and has told me she’s surprised I’ve stuck around so long, as no one else has she also said though she thinks she’s too ill to get any help. She needs a huge amount of help to be anywhere near well and so won’t even try

I think my plan for now is to back away slowly and just spend less of my time on her. I’ll reply to messages but will just be less available than usual and spend the time doing other things and with people who are a bit more positive. I feel sad but today just really got on top of me and it triggered my anxiety pretty badly. right now I need to calm down a bit before I reply to her messages so will leave it until tomorrow and give myself some time to think.

Yes, it's best to give yourself time to calm down before replying when you are triggered. It's good that you are slowly allowing yourself to practice that too.

That sound like a great plan!

I think it a.great idea to give.yourself some time to calm down enough to talk to her before you say something that you might regret.

I agree to move on from this person. You can politely distance yourself without creating a conflict. Life is too short for this kind of nonsense. I’m not an expert in friendships.. not by any means... I have posted some discussion threads about how difficult it is... but this is part of the reason it’s so difficult... people can really drag you down.

I agree! It can really make or break your days who you spend them with. I just think I need less of a focus on her now as I’ve given her plenty of chances!

I’ve had some time time to calm down and I feel better. I have been talking to my friend but just trying to spend more time doing positive things and spend less time on her really :/ I feel very guilty about it though. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to be able to tell her how I feel but I just hate any sort of conflict and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

I can totally relate to feeling guilty, but you don't have to. You are doing the best thing both for her and yourself.

If she comes back trying to win you back, don't fall for her words (or good acting) until you see a real change in her action/ behavior. People can say all the right things but do they match up with their behavior? Just be on guard to protect yourself.

Thank you for having the courage to post this. I'm sure there are other people going through something similar and it's helping them.

Try not to feel guilty for taking care of yourself and your own needs. You count, you matter, and your happiness matters.. you are your number one priority and that's not something to feel bad or guilty for. Her happiness is not your responsibility -- it's hers and hers alone. We are each responsible for our own happiness in life. She only makes you miserable, and downhearted. She is her own worst enemy! That's not your fault. So live your life, do what makes YOU happiest, and she will have to figure out things on her own, unfortunately. I understand not wanting conflict and/or hurting her feelings by being direct. She already knows she turns everyone away from her. Now it's up to her to change herself.. not your job.

I am wondering why you feel guilty, Scarlett? You sound like a very nice person to be so concerned, but she is not your responsibility. I say, take care of YOURSELF. I do wonder if part of why you feel responsible may be depressive or anxious thoughts creeping through. She's practically given you an out by saying she's surprised you've stuck around this long due to her negativity. Unfortunately, you can't save everyone. And you need to deal with your own health. Perhaps someday, you can become a therapist or a type of peer or counselor who lifts others up, in honor of her or just your caring spirit. But I hope you know that setting boundaries and even ending a friendship that is toxic is not something to feel guilty for. Though I can actually relate to this (I've felt guilty for setting my own boundaries and ending toxic friendships before). Maybe it's natural for nice people and people pleasers, to feel guilty over this stuff. Doesn't mean the guilt is accurate. I wonder if she feels guilty for telling you there's no God. It does sound to me like she has changed since you knew her in college, and that's quite a normal thing in the evolution of friendships at times too. Sometimes, people change and it's not for the better.

I hope you know, that you can do whatever you like here, and I hope you don't feel pushed to do one thing or another. Just giving my opinion. You and your health matter. Hang in there, ok?

Hi Scarlett,

I agree with everyone else here. I used to have a "best friend" a long time ago (in high school) who was actually rather abusive (emotionally, verbally and physically at times). When we first met, I was overjoyed because I hadn't had a friend in such a long time. I was ecstatic. We shared a lot of similar problems. She had issues with her family and was experiencing turbulent emotions. Just like me. I felt like we were soul mates or something.

We would talk to each other about things we were going through and try to get each other to quit unhealthy habits. She had other friends too, but all I had was her. I was an outcast. We hung out together all the time, and I thought that it couldn't get any better than this.

But then she changed up on me. Looking back, it's kinda funny because she practically threw red flags at me. She told me how friends kept leaving her, saying how she was manipulative and abusive. I ignored all of that because there was just no way. She was perfect. She was just like me.

Except she wasn't. She began to show her true colors: cursing at me, putting me down in front of her other so-called friends, physically hurting me, and then claiming she couldn't understand why I was upset about her actions. I would constantly tell her that I didn't like how she was treating me, but she made me believe that I was just overly sensitive. I mean, I kinda am, but that still didn't justify her behavior. She had me feeling like I was crazy. One day she was happy and normal. The next she would be downright depressed and mean. According to her mother, she was bipolar, but I wasn't sure how much of that to believe since her mother was messed up like mine was.

Like you, I hate conflict. So, I couldn't bring myself to stand up to her and tell her I didn't want to be friends anymore. I was scared. In addition to that, she was the only friend I had and I didn't want to be alone so I put up with her abuse for two more years before I finally couldn't take it anymore. I never did have the courage to tell her that I didn't want her in my life anymore, but I did what I did best back then: I ran away. I stopped taking her calls and texts. I ducked out on her. I dropped off the face of the earth.

I felt guilty at first for doing this, but then it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. From time to time, I would miss the good times we had. And even today, I still I still look back on those times with nostalgia (the good times that is). But I would never want to be friends with her ever again.

You'll feel guilty. And it might even hurt. But trust me. You'll be doing the right thing. Don't keep toxic people in your life. They'll just mess you up in the long run. To this day, I still can't believe I put up with an abusive friendship just because I was lonely and desperate to have a friend again.

I hope you find someone better. I truly do.

Thanks everyone I am reading all of your replies and they are amazing!! Thank you for sharing some of your stories and advice. It’s so nice to feel not alone on this. It’s such a hard situation. I’m just going to try not to waste any energy on it. The moment I feel like talk turns sour, I am backing away and not replying.

My friend also suffers from substance abuse (alcohol). It’s horrid to see but she turns to drink (and/or cigarettes) as soon as anything happens that makes her feel bad. There’s no way of discouraging it. She tells me she will be dead in a couple of years anyway... it just really stresses me out the whole thing.

Last night I had a nice evening with some colleagues from work and it was great to have some positive company. I did say to my friend that I was busy that evening and she responded with “that would bore me!” My friend has always turned me away from other people, she says other people are fake, selfish and that she doesn’t like anyone really (except the teacher she’s obsessed with). I wonder if it’s a way to try and stop me from making friends with new people, as well as to make herself feel better that she has no one. It does rub off on me though and I start believing her.

Yesterday I felt a bit of relief just from giving myself permission not to reply if I didn’t feel up to it.

Thanks again for all the support. It’s great to have somewhere to talk and you’ve ALL been great! *hugs*