My best friend is toxic, what should I do?

I made friends with someone who expected me to be available 24/7 (this was years ago), I dropped him after he called me a nasty name and verbally attacked me *just* because I was unavailable for a few hours due to something else that was going on that was serious

I tried to be there for him as much as I could but he wouldn't seek other help for himself, he expected me to drop everything and be there for him 24/7 if he needed someone and he wouldn;t even entertain the idea of other people trying to help him like if I was unavailable like I was that one time cause I had something really serious going on and could not drop everything and be there for him at that moment in time, but we have to do what we have to do to protect ourselfs and we cannot be expected to save others if they won't help themselfs

I lost one other friend (online friend) as well but I won't go into that here

Hi Scarlett,

I agree with everyone else here. I used to have a "best friend" a long time ago (in high school) who was actually rather abusive (emotionally, verbally and physically at times). When we first met, I was overjoyed because I hadn't had a friend in such a long time. I was ecstatic. We shared a lot of similar problems. She had issues with her family and was experiencing turbulent emotions. Just like me. I felt like we were soul mates or something.

We would talk to each other about things we were going through and try to get each other to quit unhealthy habits. She had other friends too, but all I had was her. I was an outcast. We hung out together all the time, and I thought that it couldn't get any better than this.

But then she changed up on me. Looking back, it's kinda funny because she practically threw red flags at me. She told me how friends kept leaving her, saying how she was manipulative and abusive. I ignored all of that because there was just no way. She was perfect. She was just like me.

Except she wasn't. She began to show her true colors: cursing at me, putting me down in front of her other so-called friends, physically hurting me, and then claiming she couldn't understand why I was upset about her actions. I would constantly tell her that I didn't like how she was treating me, but she made me believe that I was just overly sensitive. I mean, I kinda am, but that still didn't justify her behavior. She had me feeling like I was crazy. One day she was happy and normal. The next she would be downright depressed and mean. According to her mother, she was bipolar, but I wasn't sure how much of that to believe since her mother was messed up like mine was.

Like you, I hate conflict. So, I couldn't bring myself to stand up to her and tell her I didn't want to be friends anymore. I was scared. In addition to that, she was the only friend I had and I didn't want to be alone so I put up with her abuse for two more years before I finally couldn't take it anymore. I never did have the courage to tell her that I didn't want her in my life anymore, but I did what I did best back then: I ran away. I stopped taking her calls and texts. I ducked out on her. I dropped off the face of the earth.

I felt guilty at first for doing this, but then it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. From time to time, I would miss the good times we had. And even today, I still I still look back on those times with nostalgia (the good times that is). But I would never want to be friends with her ever again.

You'll feel guilty. And it might even hurt. But trust me. You'll be doing the right thing. Don't keep toxic people in your life. They'll just mess you up in the long run. To this day, I still can't believe I put up with an abusive friendship just because I was lonely and desperate to have a friend again.

I hope you find someone better. I truly do.

Hi Scarlet --- I am proud of you for your realizations and for what you're saying here, but why keep someone in your life though-- on any level-- who is completely toxic to you in all ways? I worry that it is your guilt that keeps you tied to her, even from somewhat of a distance. Trust me, toxic people take from your life, they do not add to your life in any way, and this woman is taking from your life.... she is even discouraging you from having other friends. If it were me, I would ditch her completely. I just would hate to see you hanging onto a friendship out of guilt and a deep inner need to keep HER happy and appeased. We cannot make everyone happy, and you really don't owe her your friendship. It is up to you of course, however you want to handle it, I am just saying that if it were me, I would let her go completely and I wouldn't even want to talk to someone at all who was dragging me down as much as she is dragging you down.

I had a very toxic friend once who made me miserable every time I hung out with her, or even when talking to her on the phone most occasions. After seven years of it I finally got fed up and severed ties. In the end, we had a huge blowout fight over it, but you know what? I've been SO much happier without her in my life as my so-called "friend"! She was no friend. She made me miserable!

I know what you mean. It's really to let go at times though! I am seriously thinking about the suggestion of just letting her go, the relationship isn't serving me at all. It's a discouraging, hurtful and toxic relationship unfortunately.

Yes, I understand... there’s a quote floating around out there about letting go of friendships- toxic ones- that no longer serve you well. The bottom line is there’s so many things she could do that will result in u not wanting to talk to her.. and it’s basically everything she does. So what’s the point if you’re not happy in the friendship? It would be the same as a romantic relationship that didn’t make u happy... you break up and find other people. Same thing here.

Thanks. Totally agree! The jealous comment today made me feel worse. I think I just feel guilty and am worried about what will happen to her if I leave

I agree to move on from this person. You can politely distance yourself without creating a conflict. Life is too short for this kind of nonsense. I’m not an expert in friendships.. not by any means... I have posted some discussion threads about how difficult it is... but this is part of the reason it’s so difficult... people can really drag you down.

I agree! It can really make or break your days who you spend them with. I just think I need less of a focus on her now as I’ve given her plenty of chances!

I’ve had some time time to calm down and I feel better. I have been talking to my friend but just trying to spend more time doing positive things and spend less time on her really :/ I feel very guilty about it though. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to be able to tell her how I feel but I just hate any sort of conflict and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

I can totally relate to feeling guilty, but you don't have to. You are doing the best thing both for her and yourself.

If she comes back trying to win you back, don't fall for her words (or good acting) until you see a real change in her action/ behavior. People can say all the right things but do they match up with their behavior? Just be on guard to protect yourself.

Thank you for having the courage to post this. I'm sure there are other people going through something similar and it's helping them.

I am wondering why you feel guilty, Scarlett? You sound like a very nice person to be so concerned, but she is not your responsibility. I say, take care of YOURSELF. I do wonder if part of why you feel responsible may be depressive or anxious thoughts creeping through. She's practically given you an out by saying she's surprised you've stuck around this long due to her negativity. Unfortunately, you can't save everyone. And you need to deal with your own health. Perhaps someday, you can become a therapist or a type of peer or counselor who lifts others up, in honor of her or just your caring spirit. But I hope you know that setting boundaries and even ending a friendship that is toxic is not something to feel guilty for. Though I can actually relate to this (I've felt guilty for setting my own boundaries and ending toxic friendships before). Maybe it's natural for nice people and people pleasers, to feel guilty over this stuff. Doesn't mean the guilt is accurate. I wonder if she feels guilty for telling you there's no God. It does sound to me like she has changed since you knew her in college, and that's quite a normal thing in the evolution of friendships at times too. Sometimes, people change and it's not for the better.

I hope you know, that you can do whatever you like here, and I hope you don't feel pushed to do one thing or another. Just giving my opinion. You and your health matter. Hang in there, ok?

Hi Scarlett,

I agree with everyone else here. I used to have a "best friend" a long time ago (in high school) who was actually rather abusive (emotionally, verbally and physically at times). When we first met, I was overjoyed because I hadn't had a friend in such a long time. I was ecstatic. We shared a lot of similar problems. She had issues with her family and was experiencing turbulent emotions. Just like me. I felt like we were soul mates or something.

We would talk to each other about things we were going through and try to get each other to quit unhealthy habits. She had other friends too, but all I had was her. I was an outcast. We hung out together all the time, and I thought that it couldn't get any better than this.

But then she changed up on me. Looking back, it's kinda funny because she practically threw red flags at me. She told me how friends kept leaving her, saying how she was manipulative and abusive. I ignored all of that because there was just no way. She was perfect. She was just like me.

Except she wasn't. She began to show her true colors: cursing at me, putting me down in front of her other so-called friends, physically hurting me, and then claiming she couldn't understand why I was upset about her actions. I would constantly tell her that I didn't like how she was treating me, but she made me believe that I was just overly sensitive. I mean, I kinda am, but that still didn't justify her behavior. She had me feeling like I was crazy. One day she was happy and normal. The next she would be downright depressed and mean. According to her mother, she was bipolar, but I wasn't sure how much of that to believe since her mother was messed up like mine was.

Like you, I hate conflict. So, I couldn't bring myself to stand up to her and tell her I didn't want to be friends anymore. I was scared. In addition to that, she was the only friend I had and I didn't want to be alone so I put up with her abuse for two more years before I finally couldn't take it anymore. I never did have the courage to tell her that I didn't want her in my life anymore, but I did what I did best back then: I ran away. I stopped taking her calls and texts. I ducked out on her. I dropped off the face of the earth.

I felt guilty at first for doing this, but then it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. From time to time, I would miss the good times we had. And even today, I still I still look back on those times with nostalgia (the good times that is). But I would never want to be friends with her ever again.

You'll feel guilty. And it might even hurt. But trust me. You'll be doing the right thing. Don't keep toxic people in your life. They'll just mess you up in the long run. To this day, I still can't believe I put up with an abusive friendship just because I was lonely and desperate to have a friend again.

I hope you find someone better. I truly do.

Thanks everyone I am reading all of your replies and they are amazing!! Thank you for sharing some of your stories and advice. It’s so nice to feel not alone on this. It’s such a hard situation. I’m just going to try not to waste any energy on it. The moment I feel like talk turns sour, I am backing away and not replying.

My friend also suffers from substance abuse (alcohol). It’s horrid to see but she turns to drink (and/or cigarettes) as soon as anything happens that makes her feel bad. There’s no way of discouraging it. She tells me she will be dead in a couple of years anyway... it just really stresses me out the whole thing.

Last night I had a nice evening with some colleagues from work and it was great to have some positive company. I did say to my friend that I was busy that evening and she responded with “that would bore me!” My friend has always turned me away from other people, she says other people are fake, selfish and that she doesn’t like anyone really (except the teacher she’s obsessed with). I wonder if it’s a way to try and stop me from making friends with new people, as well as to make herself feel better that she has no one. It does rub off on me though and I start believing her.

Yesterday I felt a bit of relief just from giving myself permission not to reply if I didn’t feel up to it.

Thanks again for all the support. It’s great to have somewhere to talk and you’ve ALL been great! *hugs*

I made friends with someone who expected me to be available 24/7 (this was years ago), I dropped him after he called me a nasty name and verbally attacked me *just* because I was unavailable for a few hours due to something else that was going on that was serious

I tried to be there for him as much as I could but he wouldn't seek other help for himself, he expected me to drop everything and be there for him 24/7 if he needed someone and he wouldn;t even entertain the idea of other people trying to help him like if I was unavailable like I was that one time cause I had something really serious going on and could not drop everything and be there for him at that moment in time, but we have to do what we have to do to protect ourselfs and we cannot be expected to save others if they won't help themselfs

I lost one other friend (online friend) as well but I won't go into that here

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you were able to do what's best for you! we have enough on our plate without having to deal with toxic people who make us feel worse. I'd love to be able to help her, but my friend also says she is beyond help from anyone, so I understand. It's so difficult, I don't want to lose my best friend.

I think I just need some major boundaries. If she is in a negative mood, I will back off. If she is talking about her obsession I will back off if I can't change the subject. If she's drinking I am also going to back off too.

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This resonates so much with me!

I finally ended a toxic friendship with a life long frenemy several months ago when it go so ridiculously toxic and she had no respect for me or boundaries. I suppose I attracted her in the first place because I am pretty quirky myself and gravitate to problematic people rather than more normal people due to something within me.

I had a bf who said he would be dead by the age of 21 because he grew up on the tough streets, which was a total joke because he was a rich, suburban kid. P.s. he didn’t die. If your friend is threatening death that’s a huge red flag. Suggest she get counseling. It’s not your problem.

Ending the toxic relationships are very difficult. They are friends. They are family. We do miss their good qualities and have had great times. We don’t have many, if any, other friends and have to find new, quality ones.

I know what you mean. I am getting to my wits and and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I mentioned something about one of my tutors (which is sometimes ok, sometimes not) and she snapped at me telling me "not to rub it in." I'm not quite sure what she means, but like I said she is jealous of other relationships I have with people. She has also given me a sarcastic comment about my work friends too. After that it broke my concentration for a while as I hate confrontation and was worried that she was going to completely flip out at me for mentioning it. I just never know where I stand with her. I just really do not have the energy anymore, and if she comes back with anything else, I'm going to tell her that I need to take some time away.

I know what you mean. It's really to let go at times though! I am seriously thinking about the suggestion of just letting her go, the relationship isn't serving me at all. It's a discouraging, hurtful and toxic relationship unfortunately.

I am wondering if it a possibility that she might be obsessed with you as well. She definitely controlling

I agree. She definitely sounds controlling. Then again, misery loves company.

I know I wondered that too. I’m hoping I can get some better friends, but I don’t know where to start! I’m quite sociable and have friends at work and also am in a choir too, so I have friends there. There’s no one I can really message if I just need a chat though which makes me feel sad