[Albatross2008]

This seems to be the best place to post about social skills. Making and keeping friendships is something I've never been much good at.

I have a friend, on Facebook and in real life, that I've mentioned on PC before. She has a tendency to say things that she thinks are helpful and supportive, when in fact they are annoying and possibly invalidating. She isn't being that way on purpose. She simply doesn't understand. For example, I vented on Facebook that I'm having trouble with my current health care plan. It's getting so ridiculously hard to get an appointment, now I have to wait until May for my next therapy session. My friend's immediate comment was that she would be glad to listen to me and give me advice once a month, and she wouldn't even charge me money. Of course, talking to a friend is not at all the same thing as therapy. I wouldn't go to her for mental health therapy, for the same reason I wouldn't go to her to have a tooth fixed. She doesn't have the training. Besides, even qualified health care workers don't practice on their own families and friends. It's unethical.

I have her marked as an acquaintance on Facebook, because of these types of comments, but I forgot to set that post as visible to "friends except acquaintances." My bad.

She kind of reminds me of my brother in that way, with the tendency to read every word I say as a cry for help. I can talk about some "Murphy's Law" kind of glitch in my day. I'm not in any distress at all, just laughing about the irony of this thing that happened, and I'd get some philosophical piece of advice telling me how to fix it or rise above it. I'm not asking for advice, but it's advice I get, usually given in a smug, condescending, "I know better than you do" attitude. That is one of many reasons I'm no longer in contact with my brother. Now this friend is kind of rubbing me the same way. I kind of feel like she's trying to help me across a barrier that I crossed long ago, and I do wonder what it is about me that is sending signals that I haven't crossed it yet.

One thing she seems to be stuck on is the slogan, "I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor." If she's said it to me once, she's said it to me a hundred times in the past month or two. It's her go-to response to everything recovery-related that I post, even things are offering solutions, not asking for them. Sometimes she just says it, unsolicited. Yesterday she tagged me in a meme that had those words in it, and it wasn't in response to anything I had posted. It just came out of nowhere.

On one hand, I feel like if she rams those words down my throat one more time, I'm going to scream so loud they'll hear me on Jupiter. My family thinks I should just tell her to stop saying that to me, but I'm afraid it would hurt her feelings. She really is trying to be helpful. She just doesn't understand that her help isn't needed. I'm fine. I'm NOT asking her for advice.

How do you deal with well-meaning but frustrating people?

[healingme4me]

I do try to speak up because assertiveness, matters. At the same time, I pause and think of a way to say it diplomatically. It gets easier the more and more that I've done it through the years. I try to keep in the back of my mind the importance of not letting things slide or go without saying something.

Maybe with the tagged post which is fresh, say something like...phew, glad we're on the same page or glad I reached that bridge years ago..?

[sarahsweets]

Is there anyway you can talk to her or send her a message?

[Albatross2008]

That's what I'm struggling with, I suppose. How to say it diplomatically.

There has already been a bit of a harsh incident between us, fairly recently. I had stated my opinion on the "Baby It's Cold Outside" controversy--that it can be upsetting to those of us with sexual assault in our history. Most of the people who disagreed with me did so tactfully, but she started in on how people are too sensitive nowadays. Then she actually made fun of me, saying "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" triggers her because she's a grandma. I took the post down and unfriended her, but then she apologized and said she wasn't trying to be offensive. I decided to give her another chance. And I don't know if it's good to confront her again so soon, or else it might make me look like an oversensitive old bat who just harps about everything.

I can't avoid her because we go to the same church. I've often thought about changing churches, but my husband is not willing to do so, and I'd rather go with him than have us go to different churches.

[healingme4me]

I would venture to say the grandma/reindeer thing wasn't about poking fun at you personally but was the retort going on out there. In a what's next in the to be censored and banned list?

It's a mad mad world out there. One step at a time to gain confidence in the process of speaking up for yourself.

I don’t think it will help to talk with her about it so much as it might be better to limit these topics of discussion and talk about things that don’t trigger you. Honestly, I think you might be triggering each other and, based on her feedback to you, I suspect she is also feeling frustrated with the interactions you guys are having. Maybe it would be good to step back a bit and keep conversations with her more neutral or positive. There might be other friends you can discuss your personal views with but she doesn’t share the same views as you. Unless you want to hear a contrasting or contradicting view, you will likely continue to feel annoyed at these discussions with her.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'd advice to just tell the truth, Arbie. Yes, it isn't easy, and there's a risk she may feel hurt, but you need to take care of yourself as well. If you don't like to talk about this kind of topic with her, then just tell her so. Just try to be polite, but firm at the same time. I think you have every right to speak up. This is just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[WishfulThinker66]

I have a friend whose response to my mentioning my anxiety is to suggest she gets anxious too. I don't wish to invalidate her feelings but it is obvious that her level of anxiety in no way reaches that which we here all describe as something debilitating we are going through. In a way I feel she is trivializing the disorder. Supposing she does have anxiety in her life it is certainly not debilitating or all life consuming to her. She doesn't appear to be sick in the way I have been for months. She also has a tendancy to discredit anxiety by saying things like, "You just have to be strong.""You just have to stop thinking negatively." I feel she is poo-pooing my problem.

So I have stopped confiding in her my problem(s) and how it is impacting my life.

This is a shame as it is affecting what has been a very good relationship. And yes, I find myself calling her an aquaintance more and more.

[healingme4me]

I also think in the 'lovely'*ahem* world of fb land, the algorithms are set up to rile the feathers. It's been so much of an IRL discussion in comparing notes within my own inner circle about how odd it is that things such as the song will stay highlighted at the tops of feeds but other things less debateable or whatever will get lost so to speak. Unseen or even better ..as the discovery discussion continues...I could see something, think let me get back to that...scroll down a little some weird auto refresh transpires and poof..what I wanted to scroll back up to is gone and then my feed is plastered by a bunch of other things ... So, I think it's a big pain in the bum of a set up.

She certainly also, didn't need to tag that survivor/victim thing without an explanation to you as to why she did. Boundaries are crossed in my opinion in her doing so.

Could also write...or ask...what's the meaning behind this tagged post?

[sarahsweets]

GRRR that is so frustrating and it happens so much with mental health conditions. I do not know if the desire to trivialize it is the reason, or if its some way of connecting with me,but I feel it is passive aggressive. Its almost selfish really because you share something and instead of listening or validating, the other person makes it about themselves. I have heard it all about my bipolar. Sometimes the topic has come up and its" Oh I have mood swings too!" or " I am always up and down" "i have crying days too". " I know! Its just sooooo exhausting!" I'm like no-no-being moody is not the same as bipolar. Do you get so "down" that you forget to shower, eat and speak? Do you get so high that you start to reorganize your entire filing cabinet at 2am and then leave it unfinished on the dining room table for two weeks?

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I have a friend whose response to my mentioning my anxiety is to suggest she gets anxious too. I don't wish to invalidate her feelings but it is obvious that her level of anxiety in no way reaches that which we here all describe as something debilitating we are going through. In a way I feel she is trivializing the disorder. Supposing she does have anxiety in her life it is certainly not debilitating or all life consuming to her. She doesn't appear to be sick in the way I have been for months. She also has a tendancy to discredit anxiety by saying things like, "You just have to be strong.""You just have to stop thinking negatively." I feel she is poo-pooing my problem.

So I have stopped confiding in her my problem(s) and how it is impacting my life.

This is a shame as it is affecting what has been a very good relationship. And yes, I find myself calling her an aquaintance more and more.