Breakups and Rash Decisions

Hello all.

I'll try to keep this short, as I tend to rant and lose track of my original thoughts. So my girlfriend and I have been together 2 1/2 years - our third year anniversary would have been mid-October. We've been through hell together and always stuck it through. Thought I was over her, but she keeps visiting me in my very intense dreams.
She has ASD (mild autism/Aspergers.) Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in ASD forum. I think here would be more suitable. Anywhom, I accept full responsibility for the breakup being 100% "my fault." I've realized my mistake but can't let her go. I've messaged her / called her every few weeks but I've gotten no response. She called me once and we had an 8-minute conversation where I said I still loved her and wanted to get back together. She called the next day and said no.
I'm a persistent bastard who never gives up at anything - one of the factors she found so attractive about me. I've talked with a couple of my female friends who all agreed that she was being unreasonable by not even hearing me out.
This is too damn long already. Point is, I've read a couple posts that said my last resort to get her back was unreasonable and childish but I can't think of any better way of proving how deep my love and regret really is by dropping a few grand on a ring and proposing. Is this a terrible idea? Can I get some thoughts from some aspie/asd folk to better understand her perspective? Really lost here.

I'd appreciate it greatly.

I suggest that thought be given to how she will respond.

1. What is it about her, or about there situation, that makes you tend to think that she will reject your proposal and continue to stay away from you?

2. What is it about her, or about there situation, that make you tend to think that she will reject your proposal but agree to see you again?

3. What is it about her, or about the situation, that tends to make you think that she will accept your proposal?

Thanks for the reply, Bill3.

1) When she responded with her no when it came to getting back together, she was pretty adamant. I guess the way I went about suggesting our "break" - that we should both focus on school because we were both so busy - allowed for no input on her end. When I make decisions I'm pretty firm about them and don't take much heed on what others have to say. She's probably hurt that I didn't give her time to respond to my suggestion.

2) We've been through so much together already, and I've stayed by her side through so much and she's stayed with me though mine. This is far from the worst thing that's ever happened to us, so I'm surprised she's being so disagreeable about getting back together. Despite being quite emotional/reactionary, she's also pretty logical. Maybe she won't become my wife right then, but if she gives me the chance to redeem myself (and I think and hope that she will) I can explain myself. So I think that's what will get her to see me again - the chance to hear my explanation of what my intentions were.

3) This is my biggest hope, an unreserved yes, although I'm not too expectant of that reply. We've both spoken of marriage together as though it was a given that it would happen. So many conversations of how we'd raise our children, where we'd like to live, the types of rings she likes, what kind of dress she wants to wear, and how we'd be multi-religious. Not just a priest, but a rabbi, etc. Lmao. We also might as well have been married already. I'd moved in with her and her family after only two months of being together. 2 years and four months of coming home to each other, eating every single meal together, sleeping in the same bed every single night, sharing every waking moment of every day together. I want that back and I hope she does too.

I hope I didn't miss the point of your reply. 😅 Anything you'd like me to add? Thank you again.

You have apologized for hurting her by not giving her time to respond?

By that I don’t mean that you “explain yourself”. I mean you just apologize, say you were wrong, say you are sorry you hurt her, you don’t try to explain/defend.

Which of the three outcomes I offered do you think is her most likely response? Why is that the most likely in your estimation?

I've given her time to respond. It's been about two months now since I contacted her. The last contact attempt was flowers sent to her and her mother with letters apologizing for my actions, so I haven't been swarming her so much that she hasn't had time to formulate a reply. After the flowers and letters I figured I've said all I could and it was up to her whether to accept without any more input on my part.

I think option two is most likely. She'll be defensive about trusting me again, but I think to go so far as to propose to her and spend several thousand dollars on a ring will prove my seriousness about being with her. So I think she'll at least be willing to try again with the relationship aspect and will take several months to "evaluate my performance," if you will. Then after that trial period she'll have had enough time to make her decision regarding marriage.

I hope that it works out as you want it to. 😀

Thanks, I hope so too. Like Kylie Minogue, I can't get her outta my head, lol.

I'm sorry about the situation you are in. I've been through a lot with my now wife (a lot of the hard stuff we went through before we even got married) and I do understand the whole practically married part before getting married. After a year of being together we shared a bank acct, cc, and even moved in together. We got lucky enough to work at the same office, we have the same mutual friends, and now after my stroke in May she has to drive me around because I cannot drive. So yeah, I understand the whole being together all the time because she is my best friend... cliche right?

However, when I was still in the dating scene, which was 13 years ago, once whoever I was dating and I decided to break it off (regardless if it was my idea or the guys/girls idea) I wrote it off completely. If we couldn't make it work and it came to actually breaking up then I was done. I didn't want to stay friends, I didn't want anymore contact period. If we couldn't make it work and we were just at that point of throwing it all away I was done with it. It may not be the best way to look at a relationship but maybe that's how your ex is too. If she saw that you weren't will to fight to keep the relationship and it was so easy for you to throw in the towel, why would she want to give you a second change to hurt her again?

At this point you have done everything you are able to do and the ball is now in her court, regardless if you like/accept that or not. Purposing to someone in a last ditch effort to "keep" them just looks creepy and desperate in my opinion, granted it's juswt my opinion. The way I would see it is you would have rather broken it off with me then work/fight to keep our relationship going. Your first response was to break it off and now that you suddenly realize that it was more important to have her in your life, for whatever reason, you suddenly want to be like "I want to marry this women!". In my opinion, that's really the wrong reason to get married in the first place.

Just my two cents and I wish you the best of luck in however you continue from here.

You can keep trying, but remember that the final decision is on her... it takes two people to make a couple, and if she's not interested, it's never gonna work out. Just remember this.

A relationship requires both parties' desire and commitment. It will never work if only one of you wants it to. If she has said she doesn't want to get back together then sadly you might need to accept this and find someone else. From my knowledge of people with ASD (I've been with someone for two years who has it) they don't always value or retain emotional connections like NT people. Sad to say it, but she said no to trying again and for her there might be no grief or regret for the end of the relationship.

I’m possibly an aspie , I’ve had an autism specialist think so and some teachers and brought up the idea to a previous psychiatrist ..

I think that if you propose to her, telling her how you feel and how you’ll never let her go again is one way of putting all the cards on the table. If you do that and she says no, I would give up all together. But if you do that, you should at least hangout with her a few times or something.

Personally, if you wanted a break with non of my input, I’d never forgive you and I would never be with you again. I would never feel secure in a relationship, esp if you didn’t hear me out and made such a decision after a long time being together.

Persistence is good, but too much is never good. If she tells you to leave her alone forever, or anything to that affect, I’d just do it. If she has done this, you risk receiving a restraining order and stalking or harassment charges.

I would talk a friend out of investing ~$3000 in an uncertain outcome.

Wow, I didn't expect all this advice and support. Thanks everyone! ❤

LacunaCoiler,
I could totally understand where both of you are coming from.
"If she saw that you weren't will to fight to keep the relationship and it was so easy for you to throw in the towel, why would she want to give you a second change to hurt her again?" This was the idea. The break was a way, in my opinion at least, to sacrifice short-term comfort for our shared long-term goals. It was supposed to be temporary, not forever.
"suddenly realize that it was more important to have her in your life" False. We've talked about marriage like a lot and it was something we were certain would happen. So it's not really a last-ditch effort, I was planning on doing it on our three-year anniversary regardless.
I wish I could be more like you and just write it off, but when I love, I love hard. It also doesn't help that this is my first "real relationship." Thanks for your input.

HelloWorld18,
I'm sorry to hear you might have "the 'spergs" as we used to lovingly call it. Hopefully you find peace and aren't struggling too much.
"I think that if you propose to her, telling her how you feel and how you’ll never let her go again is one way of putting all the cards on the table." Yes, this is my master plan. It's not meant to be some creepy stalkerish last-ditch resort, it's meant to prove the depths of my care and commitment to make it work. And obviously that'll be my final offer, there's no way I'd try more after getting shot down with that one. I'm willing to risk the restraining order and related charges. It'd just be more of the same, since she's not talking to me or seeing me anyway.

Thanks again everyone for your input. Means a lot to me. I'll update this thread if it still exists on any further developments.

All Hope is Gone Tour 2018.

I didn't ask her to marry, because that seemed rash, but I did message. Showed nothing but concern for her, there was nothing about justifying my behavior or trying to get back together. Just straight asked if she was okay, no strings attached.

Well, she messaged my friend to message me to not contact her again. So I was like you know what? You can't even say that to me personally, ya gotta go get a mutual friend to relay the message?

Well I blocked her on all accounts, deleted all our mutual photos, trashed all our convos. I have no record of her whatsoever anymore. We still have mutual friends, so if she wants to contact me she can ask them about me and I might consider unblocking her.

She'll be doing all the legwork from now on though. I'm too exhausted to push this cart anymore. It's been six months of agony and I will hold the reigns no longer. If she does care at all, she'll be by my side, forgive, and pick up the slack and we'll soldier on together. If not, our two++ year history will be abandoned on the side of the road, with nothing but fond, bittersweet memories left.