Get Over a Grudge?

I had a falling out with my whole FOO; mother, dad, and two sisters, plus one niece. In brief, I was treated as though I am not cared for and my hurt intentionally ignored. We moved on from the original conflict that set this off, not to speak of it again, even though I was the one painted 100% the antagonist, which is not true. But now none of them call me nor I them.

If I want to have any relationship with them, it will have to be me to call and act like nothing ever happened. It kills my soul to have to do this yet once more as this has been a pattern of abuse with my mother, now it’s the whole family.

I bear a huge grudge.

We are supposed to not bear a grudge and forgive and forget. But I don’t know if I want to eat crow and succumb to their abuse. It makes me feel too belittled.

It hurts me immensely to have fallen out with my whole family. It really wasn’t ever a healthy relationship anyway, now that I reflect on it.

I don’t know what to do.

((((TishaBuy)))) If it's not an healthy relationship for you, then perhaps it's not really worth it to continue it, even though it is your family. Perhaps you should try to keep contact with them at a minimum? By only seeing them when it's necessary (during a celebration or something similar). I'm sorry they treated you so badly, you didn't deserve it at all

{{Tisha}}

So sorry for your pain.
It IS so very hard to always feel as tho one has to be the bigger person, isn't it? And exhausting besides. I believe many of us have experienced some version or another of this, often within our own families. And nobody can hurt you like your own loved ones. ~sigh~

Our eventual decision was to send Holiday cards with brief notes re the doings of our kids & so forth. But perhaps that's not something you would want to do. :sad:

The only thing I can say right now is: Take a little time -- then do what's really in your heart.

love and support,

Chyia, fighting some of this too <3

Opting out of relationships that you know are abusive is far from holding a grudge. A grudge is when you hold something over someone's head twhen they are aware of their offenses and have apologized or shown willingness to make amends.

It doesn't sound like they are willing or ready to do this and you have no obligation to be the bearer of the blame in this. In fact you shouldn't. If you know you've done anything to offend, admit your guilt if given the chance but I wouldn't go out of your way to patch things up.

My sister just texted asking if I have plans for Thanksgiving. I replied our plans and asked hers. She texted back something about putting plenty of bourbon in the sweet potatoes, lol. So she did finally reach out to me and is trying to keep it simple.

She told me to never speak of the argument again. So I just have to contend with this feeling of being blamed for something that wasn’t fully my fault. It was her daughter who started it, took it to another level, twisted it and told my sister an ‘alternate truth’ version which biased her against me. So I just have to let that go. I’m fine with my niece now. Never really had a relationship with her anyway.

It’s my sister I’m so hurt by. She judged me harshly, took nasty jabs at me about things I confided in her about, and the worst hurt of all— said I’m just like our mother!
And what’s with ‘I’m done with this whole F’n family!’?

My other sister refused to give me one ounce of compassion. Last i spoke to her, she was getting an oil change and couldn’t talk to me when I poured my heart out!

My mom (the puppet master) and dad ended off in mom calling me names, twisting her web of lies, and dad supposedly validating her lies but refusing to talk to me about it.

Yes, it’s a really toxic family and I am beaten. There’s no arguing with crazy. I couldn’t defend myself, get them to see my POV, or get one ounce of compassion, even when asking for compassion!

Should I continue polite recipe text?

No No No No...Your sister doesn't get to tell you how to feel, or what not to address. If this argument feels like it is still unsettled from your side then you have every right to defend your position. Sounds like your sister is quite happy to permit you to remain the scapegoat...No No No. There can be no harmony or moving forward unless this conflict is aired and put to bed. If your family/sister aren't willing to hash this out, then if it were me I would scape them off and move on.

There are over 7 Billion other people on this planet...create your own family of supportive, fair minded, respectful friends.

Ugh, gifts or even Holiday cards are even a sore subject. I had sent gifts to the whole family for the past couple years. Before that, nothing was ever exchanged with the far sister. Gifts were exchanged with my parents and the closer sister would visit, so would exchange very cheap, token gifts. Far sister never sent gifts, but recently surprisingly did send a card. We are even dysfunctional regarding religion and the far sister’s husband is atheist.

Now, I have been diagnosed with an emotional disorder, but, in my defense, I must stress how the struggles with the closest family to me is REAL and they bring me to hysterical tears all the time, especially holidays.

I am seriously not entitled to my feelings in this family, never was! Was literally told that I am not angry, had no right to be, ‘why don’t you think of us instead???’

Say I try to rehash the whole thing with my sister again, what do I want at this point? I have already been Stonewalled and cried for a month, and Stonewalled again for a few weeks more. All she had to say was ‘I’m sorry too that I did not try to make peace when I could have and judged you so harshly’, but she refused any fault.

Reading your follow up responses to this thread, I gotta say it doesn't sound unlike my family and how I was brought up. I won't say it was just me, but I can totally relate to the "your feelings are not right" kind of thing. My way though has been being out of communication with my family for nearly 20 yrs. I just walked away, and I know most, would not or could never do that but it was all I could do and I grew a lot from being distanced from them.

After all these years, when I finally tried to connect with my mother - the one I have the least reasons to hold anything against, my sister whom my ex is in touch with from time to time, refused to give her number, contending that "no he's caused mama too much pain" 20 yrs. I hope it gets better for you, but as for me, I have my kids, and hell, even my ex is more "family" than my blood relatives.

anyway, I so relate to this type of toxicity. *hugs*

I don't think there is anything wrong with her saying to not bring it up again, but.. that's not to say that the issues that continue to exist should not be addressed somehow. Maybe rehashing the argument isn't the thing you should do. Waiting til things have died down a bit and talking about the challenges and issues you have in a more respectful conversation would be better. Not saying that's easy or even possible but it's probably not the "argument" subject matter that is the problem than it is the respect or lack thereof, that is causing the problem (guessing it's a life long repeated matter)

Invalidation in Families: What Are The Hidden Aspects? | Psychology Today
Just found this. Whoa!

I am sorry you are in a situation where know one seems to listen or care despite how many times you bang your head against that wall.

My sister and I exchanged a few polite, small talk texts.

My parents hate me now and won’t call or ever discuss this again. If I call and act like nothing ever happened, or apologize, and continue to do nice things for them we’ll have a relationship.

My other sister hasn’t contacted me nor I her.

Thank God my husband and I are doing well this weekend. Fingers crossed for continued success!

My mental health is most important to me and getting along with my husband and kids. So I am not going to expose myself to the toxic nor cause it. Let’s see how I feel once these unstable relationships are eliminated or under control.

I’m reading all I can and working on myself.

Thank you all for your caring and helpful insights! Hugs

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Your family had no right to treat you this way. I would stop all contact with your family and should they ask point all finger at your niece.

I completely agree with you! I would change my phone number. Block them on the internet. Remind them this is their problem not yours.

I would tell your sister don't ever contact you again until she admitted that her daughter is lying just to start a fight until your niece and sister to finally agree to an apologize and your niece and sister agreed to get some professional help they aren't allowed to be in contact with you anymore. I would block your niece from all contact and file a restraining order against her and start playing head games with her. Make It sound like she did this to herself and then pull her to the side and ask her to prove it. It sound like your niece is a very controlling person. I have a niece like that.

Thanks, Buffy. I’m sitting here feeling so bad about it.

They aren’t going to reach out to me. They aren’t going to give me one ounce of compassion. Everybody put themselves first, including me.

My dad sent some political joke email a couple days ago as part of a group text. I responded how he showed me he doesn’t care about me when he refused to have meaningful discussion with me, so please remove us from his spam list.

He wrote back that he meant the joke for my husband and please give the message to him.

My husband FINALLY backed me up with something, he wrote him back that he isn’t interested in jokes and that my dad should act like he loves me by calling me and talking about whatever is important to me.

I never heard from him.

So, that’s it. This was a showdown for power, control, respect from all sides, IDK.

It’s toxic. Which happens to be the word of the year in the U.S. no surprise!

If I’m the toxic person, let them all rid me of their lives.

Besides, my niece said if I support this political administration she really doesn’t want to know me because I have core values that she just can’t tolerate. We never had a political discussion. Does she even know MY core values?

I am very thankful for the good people who are in my life. I certainly want to do all I can not to screw it up with whomever I have left!

That great advice! Perhaps take a break from your family.

Have you thought about telling your sister. Gee I wish my kids could hang out with you. But you and your daughter can't seem to be trust. So I guess you just lost the right to see my kids. Sorry! Than stick with it!

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! I would suggest filing a restraining order against your niece and gather evidence that really make her look bad that people start questions everything that come out of her mouth.

They don’t care about our kids knowing each other. That sister moved to the other side of the country and never visited. Our kids don’t know each other.

I just went back and reread all my posts on here. This exact rift with my family happened before, last year in April! Same things were said, and I was the only one to just bite the bullet and act like nothing happened.

So...... I’m going to take a good, long, possibly permanent break from all of them.

I completely disagree with this suggestion. Children aren’t property. It is very manipulative thing to do. I once had huge fight with my dad and stopped communication with my dad for over a year but I’d never tell him he lost “rights” to see my child. Using one’s children in this manner is a terrible thing to do. Yes some people do it. It’s manipulative and vindictive.

Spot on.

Sounds very retaliatory and vengeful. Nothing good would come out of it except that everyone would end up looking bad in the end.