Husband Won't Allow Me Around Our Dog

I give up and bow out of this thread. The OP hasn’t even been back.

Yes, we never know if an OP will eventually come back. Yet, it's also ok to have different view points too. Maybe the OP can see this in a different light and I do have to say it's nice for each to have your own fur baby too. It's nice to each have your own dog to cuddle with too instead of a dog leaning more towards one person than the other as that does happen a lot with one dog.

Also....why are we eliminating ALL possibilities as to the cause for his behavior.....diagnosed or undiagnosed if a condition exists it is NOT something else just because WE want to deny the possibility because it is undiagnosed. Most adults who were not diagnosed with ASD as children have a hard time getting a diagnosis as an adult. Id doesn't mean it 8s not something they have or that it diesn't cause problems in the lives of those they are married to or live with.

His mother a nurse would be more aware of the possibility than any of our denials that it's not. It doesn't justify behaviors but it explains what REALLY needs to be worked on if possible.

Yes, I agree eskie because sometimes people's behaviors are not as intentional as we might think they are.

I was thinking the same thing he might need to get some help.

I'm sorry but he seem to controlling.

I feel like he is too controlling and you should leave

This is just too strange. I think you should leave. Sound too controlling.

I am wondering that myself. Or if this just the beginning of a controlling relationship that will get worst in the future

This sound more autism speaking from my experience. I still think he need to get some help. I still feel like he is too controlling

You don't have to give a person a reason to be jealous and controlling. It doesn't sound like he will ever change.

I agree. It is challenging to have an autism the family

unfortunately, a two dog household is not acceptable. We would be booted from the property, we rent.

So he told you to get a second dog when second dog is not even allowed on the property. Jeez. Great. What kind of marriage he thinks it is? First discussed to get a dog together then got one and now doesn’t allow his wife to touch it and then tells her to get her own dog when it’s not even allowed and people find all kind of excuses for this nonsense behavior. Trust me it won’t get better. Not good. You can do better

Thanks for posting in your thread. It's hard to advise without more details. What you just shared is important, if he knows you are only allowed one dog and you had said you wanted to get a dog for both of you, then it sets this in a bit of a different light. I don't like to make quick judgments, especially when someone talks about a lengthy relationship that was pleasant and happy for them.

I think that it was a very bad sign that after discussing to get a dog together, he just went and got one for himself. Not a behavior acceptable in a healthy marriage regardless if buying a second dog is plausible or not.

Are you financially dependent on him? Unfortunately that’s often the reason for people staying in abusive marriages. How long have you been married? What do you intend to do? Abuse usually escalates. First he was controlling and jealous until you moved to be isolated. Then this dog. It won’t stop.

Even if he is on the spectrum....you need to think whether YOU want to tolerate the behaviors you are experiencing for the rest of your life because usually the behaviors of someone on the spectrum don't/can't change because of how their brain is wired & from personal experience.....it doesn't get better but worse with age especially if they refuse to get a diagnosis & get any help to learn to better relate to others. Going to marriage therapy in my case was a waste of time & money. Though it was worth a try to know it didn't work.

Obviously if you are ok being treated this way then it is your choice. We can lose ourselves in other interests.....but the bottom line will always come back to how do you feel being treated the way you are in your relationship?

Hi NataleeRose. It's unfortunate that you couldn't each have a dog to love in your current home. Sorry to hear that. I know you said you'd love the opportunity to nurture some "fur babies."

Are you able to meet with a psychologist? Even if your hub is not interested in going, you could go for 1:1 therapy. I think support and insight from a professional therapist would be really valuable at this point to help you work through this issue with your husband. As you may already know, PC folks are only providing their personal opinions as opposed to professional advice or diagnosis etc. I think the professional route will be very useful to you at this point. Though hugs and kind regards are always available here Take good care of yourself. Peace to you and your hub

I have been thinking about your predicament. I do think your husband has some kind of challenge where he is controlling and possessive. I don't think you noticed it as much because he put you in his world and kept you near him like he is doing with this dog. You mentioned that you felt like "we are best friends" until you experienced this behavior of his with this dog.

He may be on the autism spectrum, however he may also have OCD too. From what you have shared he struggles with his sense of "control" and that tends to be a challenge with both the conditions I posted, though I am not an expert and am not diagnosing him. But you shared how he is really smart and his mind tends to go fast and he can struggle with that. It sounds like he struggles with sharing or if others challenge him in someway when it comes to business or perhaps a job etc, but this could be due to his need to feel a sense of control of his own world too. As eskie put it, "how his brain is wired" that can seem toxic and abusive and even narcissistic. It's quite possible that he is not intentionally trying to be abusive towards you, but, he needs to have full control of that dog to feel comfortable in HIS mind with it where he can control everything about how that dog is a part of HIS world. This is what makes me think of OCD because that's a challenge where the individual needs to have everything in a certain place to "feel" safe with whatever they have in their world. I read at one point that Howard Hughs had OCD. He was VERY controlling and eccentric and difficult to get along with due to his obsessive need to control and had a busy mind.

I think one of the reasons you can't find anything doing a Google search is you would have to search the kind of challenge that comes with how his brain is wired. Once you find that a lot of things will make sense to you. You are probably searching if men are possessive with dogs. Instead you need to maybe search OCD symptoms or the symptoms that present with someone with ASD.

My husband has ADHD and Dyslexia, I have learned about these challenges and when I read about them as I mentioned, a lot of things began to click as my husband would present me with these same behaviors as is described.

If you discover what makes him tick that is when you need to decide IF his challenges are something you can live with because he really won't change all that much and that is what you are noticing in this particular situation. His own mother has noticed he is different, mentioned what it might be, however he would have to see a professional in order to get diagnosed and possibly get help to manage his condition.

Open eyes makes good points but I’d caution against excusing people’s behaviors because of whatever diagnosis (real or perceived).

Sometimes bad behavior is just that. Bad behavior. I’ve met ton of people with ton of every disability or disorder imaginable (professionaly speaking but I prefer to remain anonymous) and ,no , having disorders or disabilities doesn’t make one a jerk. Sure certain disorders cause problems in relationships but generally speaking it doesn’t excuse bad behaviors.

My husband has all kind of disabilities but he is at no point never ever unkind or abusuve or a jerk.

Some people just aren’t nice. And some men are not nice to their own wives. Again speaking as a professional ifthis man does not have a formal diagnosis let’s refrain from diagnosing him.

My phone is acting out so my apologies for messed up typing

My concern is that he is abusing and neglecting his wife.

Yup.

Yes it’s horrid if the dog is abused, but there is nothing in OP’s post even remotely hinting that this dog is mistreated. There are however very specific and direct descriptions of a husband mistreating his wife.

NataleeRose,do you ever get alone time with the dog?Does your husband work or leave the house,hang out with friends or anything and leave the dog with you? If so,those could be your times to enjoy it.My husband has an emotional support dog and I enjoy the time I get with it but when he's home I'm ok with it being "his" dog.

I understand that you are extremely upset over it,is it that you really love the dog that much and so badly want to spend time with it or is it that he doesn't want you to?If your marriage is as good as you are saying it is and there's no other problems going on maybe you need to just let this one go and let the guy have and enjoy his dog,especially if it helps calm him.

I was thinking along these lines too. Yet, the OP has expressed how this problem has really been deeply upsetting her too. I totally understand how other posters see this situation as abusive and toxic. Most feel that not allowing her to love this dog too is cruel and abusive. Now that the OP has shared that because of where they live she can't get a dog of her own makes it even harder for her as it seems she really wants a dog to love and cuddle with as she doesn't have any children.

Question for the OP, can you look for a place you can live that allows more than one dog?

I'm curious what's going on in the backgrond,the other side of the story and what's really behind it.

I am wondering how the fights start and play out.If it's really just a battle for control betwen both parties It almost sounds childish tbh.Usually fights like that have nothing to do with what's going on,kind of like fighting over not putting the lid on the toothpaste or putting toilet paper rolls on wrong.It"s never really about those things

IDK.But I'm glad it's a dog and not a child.