Husband Won't Allow Me Around Our Dog

Hello NataleeRose. I am sorry you are dealing with such a confusing and jarring issue. Have you consulted with a psychologist? I think a good place to start would be to run the situation by an experienced marriage therapist. They will likely want to delve deeper into your relationship with more questions. Have you ever suggested couples therapy to your husband? If he is not interested, then you can certainly attend therapy alone to gain some comfort, insight, and coping strategies.

I would caution you against assuming your husband is living with autism. His mother is a nurse, yes, but nurses are not qualified to assess or diagnose ASD. I also cannot say whether your husband is intending to be cruel...we can't read his mind, right? Perhaps in his head, he feels that this is his dog and not yours and perceives you as crossing a boundary when you pet his dog. I'm just thinking through both sides here since it sounds as though, aside from the dog issue, you feel connected and committed to your husband ("my best friend".) If I have that right?

At this time, I would discourage you from continuing to try to interact with the dog or giving "secret snacks." I think that will likely be counterproductive. He has made it clear that he doesn't want you to interact with the dog and I fully understand why that is hurtful for you and quite bizarre within a marriage and shared home...but without first having professional counseling on the issue I don't think crossing that line is going to help matters.

All I could say, based on your description, is that your husband is exhibiting a very strong need for control (with regard to the dog, I'm not sure if you said how he functions and behaves in other areas of life) and that is often a reaction to anxiety...someone feels intense inner turmoil so they seek more control over their external environment in order to gain of sense of comfort. A very strong need for control can certainly get out of hand and lead to abuse but there isn't enough information here to break everything down.

This is obviously having a very negative impact on you. I think consulting with a psychologist is the best place to start.

I wish you and your husband peace and healing energy. Take good care of yourself.
*Please note that in my role as PC member, I am offering compassion and support. I am not offering medical consultation, diagnosis, or treatment of any kind. As with the other PC members. Please see disclaimer at bottom of screen

Geez NataleeRose, this sounds awful.

My own main question is, how do other people react to this?

This is abnormal not to mention mean. Does he exhibit other narccisistic behaviours? You have mentioned having normal couple fights. Just what exactly do you explain away as this? I am greatly worried by this statement.

Someone else posed the question that there might be something in his past directly responsible for this - like a parent taking away his pet in childhood. I think it worth delving into.

Finally, I agree with all the others that this is a dealbreaker. It is time for a talk about expectations and boundaries. You have mentioned Autism. I'm going to come right out and speak my mind about this.... could this label be an excuse for you to accept other unacceptable behaviour?

Exactly my thoughts. I bolded what I thought is particularly concerning here. The OP says they talked about getting a dog together, then he went out and got one without her and now claims the dog is his. That is cruel. To not allow her near the dog in any way is cruel. To keep the dog deliberately away from her, in knowing how much she wants to have and love the dog, is cruel.

She is most certainly being mistreated, which makes me wonder as well about their fights, what they are about, and how he behaves otherwise.

And yes, she is now isolated and and therefore he has less to exert control over. Now it's the dog.

I find the tip off to be that he used to be controlling before this and also showed jealousy of others' successes. Control and jealousy are two traits of an abuser, not to mention, extreme cruelty.

Before this dog came into the picture, do you think he isolated you as well, wanted to keep you for himself?

What caught my eye is him saying "mans best friend" and then you talk about "He is my best friend". I am just wondering if he has a pattern of behavior that you did not notice before because you were in the position this new dog is now. He isolated you too understand?

He is NOT your best friend. Who does this? I would leave and get a divorce. He can be with the dog forever then.

Hopefully NataleeRose will come back and clairify things for all of us.We are all jumping to conclusions by the little info we were given.

I don't think anyone's jumping to conclusions, respectfully speaking. It is quite obviously very controlling behavior and very cruel behavior. Control is abuse. If it were me, I would be out of that marriage soooo fast. Total dealbreaker.

If in fact he is on the autistic spectrum many of their behaviors in fact do come across as abusive & even at times narcissistic. The difference is that the INTENT to harm is NOT there. I spent 54 years if my life living around those kinds of behaviors without understanding the cause.

I could NOT live with it but many personalities can tolerate those behaviors because they see & feel more than we observe on the surface.

No I couldn't tolerate living in a marriage like that but that is me & everyone has their own level 9f understanding of the REAL relationship they are actually in.

There are things in a marriage that can be abusive but worked through & it doesn't mean that it continues to exist. Only the person in the marriage is really qualified to understand what they are really dealing with aside from any denial.

I dealt with passive aggressive behaviors. Not because he was passive aggressive but he truly did not understand what he was told or how to do it but was too proud to admit or communicate he didn't understand what he was told & YES living in a marriage like that & NOT knowing why the behavior one usually does jump to bad conclusions. Would I ever marry another guy like him.....NO WAY.....but I do finally understand that what felt & seemed like emotional abuse all those years was his mental inability to connect or communicate like a neuro-typical person.

We know what we would do.....but that is not necessarily the right thing for the person actually involved in the relationship.

It possible he could autism. It possible he has OCD. Has he been tested for autism spectrum? He could just be very controlling person.

I think talking to a therapist is a great idea

I agree with others that this is not about the dog, but his intent to control you. If he won't agree to couple's counseling, can you consult a therapist on your own and ask for her recommendation?

Stay safe.

I think that unless the op has some sort of actual confirmation of an autism diagnosis its a bit premature and slightly irresponsible to say that his behavior is because of autism. I know these behaviors can occur with or without autism but when we connect harmful behaviors automatically to mental illness it continues the stigmatism about mental illness. He very well could be controlling, narcissistic, autistic or a big fat jerk but linking the autism to this behavior seems to me to be unfair.

Unless there is a formal diagnosis in place, it’s always better to not self diagnose or diagnose others.

Agree. This is not about excusing away his behaviour but instead about how to cope with it. Get some in real life help. Look after your own needs and self first. If this behaviour isn't acceptable to you then you must react accordingly - which might ultimately be to put it behind you by walking away.

In my own opinion, this dog situation is symbolic of a larger problem. I want to validate then your query and obvious underlying feelings that this is all so very wrong. Find some help and advocate for yourself. Even your doctor is a good place to start making a plan.

Incidentally, I left a long-term common-law spouse for reasons which included similar behavior.

From the time we brought home our very cute little Rhosdesian Ridgeback puppy, my husband was obsessed with it. Now, these dogs are unique in appearance. They are door stoppers so to speak as they stop most people in their tracks and make quite the conversation piece. They attract attention. Well as mention elsewhere my husband was a narcissist - and this dog was but one of many ways he demonstrated it. Whenever we were in public he insisted that it be he who was the one walking it. He revelled in the attention and it was sickening. He would actually pretend then that I and the rest of the family did not exist - particularly upsetting as the dog was a 'chick magnet'. He would insist upon walking the dog or taking it to the off-leash parks just so as to be the center of attention. It made me irate.

This obsession and behaviour displayed over the dog symbolised all that was wrong with the relationship. I eventually walked away.

So I to an extent get your position and difficulty. I say don't wait to act upon it.

This is along the lines of what I was thinking amandalouise.

The original poster has not come back to her thread so it's difficult to "know" the entire situation and offer advice. It may very well be that her husband simply isn't communicating with her how he wants this dog to be his and he wants to train it a certain way. Or, the op doesn't understand fully and is confused about what her husband really means and he has been trying to explain it to her.

Actually, let's just think about this thread for a minute. The OP has a question and want's to learn how to handle this situation and her thread has taken a life of it's own with different opinions about what she has shared. Well, she may see all of this and just get confused and continue to struggle and possibly react in ways that are not helpful with this challenge. Well, when it comes to what different individuals think about "a family dog", truth is that a dog can develop bad habits and get spoiled because of how it experiences different people. For example, the OP mentioned that she sneaks treats to this dog, well, that can actually be "bad". Her doing that can teach this dog to get distracted and not listen to training because some person that comes along "may" offer it a treat. Also, treats are not always helpful as often with young dogs, they can get nippy.

I have trained horses/ponies to do certain things and I do not like others to do certain things because it can create problems that can make what I do with them difficult. One thing I don't allow is people to feed them carrots or treats. People might think I am being mean, however I do NOT want my ponies or horses distracted nor do I want them to look at children as a source of food where they begin to get nippy. I also don't want my ponies to learn about "people/children equal treat handouts" either as if I am dealing with a lot of people and children and I need the pony to pay attention to what I am doing I don't want that pony or horse suddenly distracted when it sees someone standing and observing me that happens to be snacking or eating at the same time.

If a person really wants to have their own dog/horse where they want the control of training that animal it's really not a bad thing as long as that person is spending time with the animal and training it and taking care of it. There are so many animals that are bought expected to be a "family" pet by people who should NEVER have these animals. All you have to do is talk to people that do rescues and people who adopt dogs that were discarded or abandoned or abused because no one cared to take the time to train it.

This man decided he wanted his OWN dog, it's not a crime, it's not abuse if he wants this dog to serve HIM a certain way and be loyal to him. Also, he did not say to the OP that any dog that they get has to be his either. He did say that if the OP wants she can get her OWN dog. Also, the OP described her husband as very intelligent and yet tends to struggle with a busy mind that can race. He may struggle with OCD and not autism and in that case a dog that is loyal to him and stays by him instead of straying to her or others may be helpful to him and calming and we have learned that people with challenges can greatly benefit with service dogs and therapy dogs.

From what the OP has shared here, she has talked about her husband as being her best friend and he is not abusive. When someone talks about living in a home that is a bit isolated, that doesn't automatically mean "bad/abuse/controlling/toxic" either. When I take on a horse or pony I don't turn it out with others in the same paddock, that is not being abusive. Instead, the pony/horse doesn't have to contend with another pony/horse stealing it's food, picking on it or bullying it which stresses it out. I don't have to work around attachment issues either where when I take a pony out to train it, it's not traumatized or distracted by leaving it's paddock companion. Instead it's easier to help it be independent so I can take it from my farm to do what I do without always having to bring a companion which is more work for me, and I can teach students riding lessons without dealing with the pony or horse bein distracted and stressing from being separated from it's paddock buddy. Instead it is "safer" for the rider as it has learned to do different tasks and focus on what I need so what I do is "safe".

Anyway, it's not a crime for her husband to want his OWN dog that he can train himself that is loyal to him. My concern is more about if he is abusing this dog. And this OP has said that her husband has not abused her and they do get along well. I had my own dog and my husband had his dog. I have my own ponies and my husband had his that he trained and worked with.

The OP hasn’t been back to this thread. Since it’s been brought up amongst the community, she never said the dog is a service dog for him. From what I understand given what she wrote he got the dog without her and now won’t let her near the dog in any way. How is it that people are missing the cruelty of this situation? The OP has stated she has begged and pleaded with him. He knows how much this hurts and upsets her. To me, it’s obviously about him having full control and denying her something she wants whic is cruelty. No we cannot diagnose him as autistic but even so his behavior is unnaccepatable behavior. She is hurting immensely over it.

i am assuming you train these horses to ride? If you do, do you give lessons or training? The difference is horses are big animals and carry humans on their backs. Its imperative that they listen to their trainer. Once a dog has been trained the idea would be for that dog to listen to the commands, not just the person giving them. yes, maybe treats are bad but I see it as her wanting lovable interaction. What if the dog only liked him and was nasty to her? Then she would be afraid of a dog in her own house.

[quote]This man decided he wanted his OWN dog, it's not a crime, it's not abuse if he wants this dog to serve HIM a certain way and be loyal to him. Also, he did not say to the OP that any dog that they get has to be his either. He did say that if the OP wants she can get her OWN dog. Also, the OP described her husband as very intelligent and yet tends to struggle with a busy mind that can race. He may struggle with OCD and not autism and in that case a dog that is loyal to him and stays by him instead of straying to her or others may be helpful to him and calming and we have learn
from the op:"huge blowouts, controlling, possessive and mean" these are things that cause the op pain. Why would he keep doing this. I believe it can be seen as abuse.

Again, what you do with your ponies is different than this situation. A whole different animal and objective.

I can understand how some would find what the OP is describing as "abuse" or toxic. Yes, I noticed the OP talking about having blow out interactions regarding this situation. I think that there is a communication problem when it comes to this. However, I am not going to tell this OP to leave or divorce her husband over this challenge either, especially since she said her relationship was so good BEFORE this dog entered the picture. I understand how other posters feel and have said "if it was me I would divorce him". It's really ok to express how you personally feel about this problem. However, the OP has been happy with her husband, so the question is what can she do to overcome this challenge? Well, one thing she can do is let him have that dog and get her own dog. I can understand how someone would want their own dog, it's something I had wanted and I finally did get my own dog and had a special bond with it, something I always wanted to experience and it was wonderful to have my own little dog that loved me. Up until that our dogs were pretty much all about my husband.

I am trying to be careful and have presented the OP with perhaps a different way of looking at this problem. The tables could be turned where the OP wanted a dog but wanted to train it a certain way too and not want her husband to do certain things with the dog. I have seen that before and it's not necessarily terrible. I have had heated arguments with my husband about our dogs. I did not want him taking them out without leashes, I did not want him hand feeding them table food either. He would not LISTEN and I ended up with dogs that begged and barked at us whenever we ate. I wanted my dogs to "wait" for their leashes when I took them outside, again, my husband did not want to listen and decided he would let them learn how to go out that door on their own. That encouraged them to think that was ok and they got out and I was lucky to come home before they wandered off. Where I live it's dangerous for small dogs to wander around as we have coyotes that WILL and HAVE taken small dogs and killed them.

I do think it's ok for her husband to want his own dog. And he HAS told her she can also do the same. Some people really do prefer to have their OWN dogs. Her husband is spending time with his dog, training it to be loyal to him and stay by him and he takes it out camping with him "alone" too. It's not like he got a dog and is neglecting it and then telling his wife not to feed or care for it. Lots of men do have their own dogs and train them for hunting too. The OP can get her own dog and train it to be HER dog the way she wants. The OP's title alone suggests the dog is "their" dog too. Yet, her husband has told her that it's his dog and that she can have her own dog. So he did tell her right from the start that he got the dog for himself. And he never told her she could not get her own dog for herself too. Then they can go out for walks where he has his dog and she has her dog too. And in all honesty, I have actually done that with my husband where we each had our own dogs and took them for walks, it was actually nice.

Hi OE, the main point though is that she is very very hurt by her husband’s behavior.

Yes golden, and while some posters suggest she just up and end her relationship, I would rather suggest ways she can work around this challenge and even look at it differently. A dog doesn't have to be considered a shared child either, lots of couples each have their own dogs. I think the OP should just let him have this dog and go out and get her own little dog that she can train for herself. He is not depriving her of being able to enjoy her own dog.

What her husband should have done is tell the OP he wanted his own dog to begin with. The OP talked about getting a dog they both could have, that's what was in her own mind, the picture SHE had. Well, he had his own idea and decided he wanted his own dog. The problem is not so much the dog but how the OP and her husband communicated. The OP has talked about how MOST OF THE TIME they got along and she was happy. Well, now there is a challenge and how can SHE work this challenge out?

I understand where you’re coming from. For me, my point has been it’s very abusive behavior. I suggested that getting her own dog, like divine says, does not resolve the marital issue of control and cruelty. This is very mean behavior and I don’t personally think she should tolerate it.

Yes, but she is responsible for her own feelings. This (his having his own dog) IS within the realm of acceptable human behavior, for various reasons.

Eta - otherwise, SHE is controlling him, and stopping him from having his own dog. What is the reason for this?

Well, I wanted to consider that the OP has talked about how she was happy in her relationship with her husband, how she considered him her best friend. So I am thinking about the bigger picture instead of throwing everything away with this one challenge. The communication could have been better from the start that's for sure. Yet, her husband did tell her she could also have a dog too. If he insisted there only be one dog and the OP could not enjoy a dog too then that would be cruel and abusive. But he is not doing that.

I can say that it's actually nice when each has their own dog and each can enjoy their own little fur babies. Less jealousy too.

He got the dog without her. They planned on getting one together. He got the dog without her and now claims it’s his without her consent. How are people missing this point?? She is extremely distraught and upset over his control over the dog. Getting her own is missing the point entirely.