Did hardship teach you compassion?

Do you think that hardship has taught you to be more sensitive towards others who may be going through difficult times? I've seen that this is not always the case.

I tried asking someone for help for my friend's struggling family. I thought that this person would be sympathetic having gone through poverty herself. Instead, I found that it made her "too tough" and less sympathetic...and maybe even bitter. She said, "Hey, I had to live without electricity for 3 months. Sometimes you just have to put up with it!" But the case was different. She didn't have kids and my friend had little kids, so paying the electric bill was even more important.

I also met a couple of people who got through tough times because of their supportive partners. When I said that I wish I had someone too (also after seeing how other people were getting through tough times because of their supportive partners), they told me that "no one wants a needy person" and that I just want someone to come into my miserable life and be miserable with me. I still struggle to understand why they rashed out in judgement given their own journeys. Did they forget where they came from now that they are in a better situation?

I only ask because we are own prone to human errors. I'm afraid, what if I forget all about where I came from once I am in a better situation? Or what if I end up imposing unrealistic expectations on others to be strong as I was, in getting through their own hardships?

Someone who says "no one wants a needy person" baldly like that with no other explanation to your question is revealing way more about him or herself than about you for asking.

I think the fact that you are asking now about this is a reflection that you are a compassionate person.

But to answer your original query; I have known both: people who came from bad circumstances who are compassionate and kind and people who came from bad circumstances who are cruel and sadistic. I'm guessing it might be a function of temperament and on-going experience (are the circumstances still bad, have they gotten better, etc.) but also of consciously-held values.

Another thing I'd add is that I have known some really egregious people who wanted to insist that they came from Really Wonderful Peachy Keen Circumstances and as far as I was concerned I thought they were either completely clueless about the intersection of behavior and consciousness or they were lying for reasons of their own.

Having supportive people in our lives is a wonderful gift. If someone isn't supportive of me; it is not going to stop me from being supportive of others. I want to be supportive of people; I want to have a joyful life -- a joyful life in the now.

I hope this helps.

Ok ennie...don't hate me for being honest.. I was raised in comfortable circumstances. Not rich,but comfortable. When I got married I was in poverty for a good deal of it because my husband sucks with money. I took over the finances and it got better. When we were out of money, I got another job. Then, I got even ANOTHER job. I worked three jobs for three years because that is what had to be done. I also prided myself on keeping an immaculate home/yard in spite of all my pets. I toughed it out myself and now I am in a pretty good place in life. I didn't do anything dishonest like call Dominos and tell them my pizza never came because I had no money. (A person I know did that). So, to answer your question...I am compassionate when the problem is legit....like losing your job through a layoff and downsizing, a house fire, getting injured, etc. I will help you until the cows come home. However, if a person has money problems and they are going to the casino all the time, going out to expensive dinners when they get paid, then whine and cry and call the landlord a greedy b*****D because they can't pay the rent and it is due...THEN, I have no sympathy. I know someone who is EXACTLY like that. ALso, this person will quit a job at the drop of a hat if things don't go their way or if the rules aren't what they consider necessary.

I think every person will react differently to their hardships, ennie. Some people will get tougher and will believe that everyone has to be tough as well if they want to get through life, while other people will show more compassion and sympathy. So I'd say it depends on what kind of person you are and your experiences. There isn't always a single, logical answer. I'm sorry you've had to deal with not-so-compassionate people, but try not to take it too personally. That's probably just their point of view, based on the experiences they've had. Sending many hugs to you

Sorry...to add to my post in case anyone was wondering...we were raised by Depression era parents who made us aware of how lucky we were (a bit overboard, but I digress) and we were also made to tow the mark. When we got our first job, we were expected to buy out own clothing and music, etc. and when we became working adults and were still at home we paid rent. And we were fine with that.

Hi Medusax,

I became more compassionate because of hardship. I even understand people going to casinos and expensive dinners when they get some money. Some people are so used to being poor that they think the money will vanish overnight, so to speak. People get tired of having to go without. However, if the person does not make an effort to hold down a job or spends all their rent money with the lottery or the casino, that is a different matter. I am compassionate when the suffering is legitimate and less so when people are reckless with their money.


Some poor people suffer from pride so they have a hard time asking for money when they need it or look down on people who ask for help. I was raised in a middle class family that trusted the government, so I got used to asking for help when necessary. People approach poverty differently.

Honestly, hardship made me the exact opposite.

When I was a kid, I was very sensitive towards other people. I was a real crybaby that was easily upset. I couldn't even hurt a fly, let alone another person. I was a good kid.

But as I grew older, I realized that being a nice person is like asking to be used and abused. I was put through such prolonged horrific abuse at a young age, that I had to be willing to hurt others to avoid being hurt any further. As I developed into adult hood, my capacity for empathy started gradually declining. Now, I can't feel a thing for another person. I very rarely, if ever, cry. I see most people as being little different from NPCs in one of my video games.

That isn't to say that I'm not capable of compassion. I simply can't feel anything for another person. I can only understand how another person feels with cognitive empathy. I can't feel another person's suffering and I am not compelled to help somebody that isn't a friend. However, I understand somebody who had to endure hardship or abuse from a logical standpoint.

Make sense?

Darkness....you need to find "THE" woman...and let her love you. I am willing to bet you are fantastic, you just have high walls. Like my friend at work I told you about. If I were young and free and in his age group, I would be his if he wanted me....

Thanks for the kind words but I honestly don't see how any woman would want me without having some kind of hidden motive.

Nice people are drawn to other nice people. I'm not a nice person. I am selfish and apathetic. What woman would want me for who I am without any intent to use or abuse me?

Yup....you sound just like him. Maybe the two of you should become gamer buddies or something.

@Darkness...He has several nice, valuable qualities, as I am sure you do as well.

Well it’s an interesting question. I have compassion for people but I despise victim mentality and don’t tolerate moping and whining very well. One thing is being compassionate and another being enabler.

As about that person you asked to help your friend wuth electric bills, she is absolutely under no obligation to help other people to pay their electric bills. Most people would help their family but not someone just because they have kids.

Why do you expect this other person needs to pay someone else’s bills? There are organizations that help with electric bills. I don’t believe this has anything to do with compassion or lack of it. And I dint understand argument “but she has children”. So what. If one can not afford to provide electricity in their house, why do they have kids? Shouldn’t they fix their own life first? And why is this other person expected to foot the bill because someone else decided to have kids?

Why can’t this person pay her own electric bill?

Ennie, I can definitely say that I became a better, more compassionate person once I experienced some hard knocks myself. I used to look down on others for their weaknesses until I could no longer deny that I had - HAVE - plenty of weaknesses of my own, most of which are probably going to plague me until I'm pushing up daisies!

Good question.

I totally get the argument...I do. I was at one stage in my life destitute...I mean totally without resources. This Hardship taught me that I must must become self reliant if I am to survive this world, and to never ever take anything for granted. I never asked for help...and none was ever offered.

35 years later...the utility bills and financial obligations come first....my physical health comes second, my comfort comes fourth. There is rarely any left over once I make the obligatory weekly deposit into my 'rainy day' fund. Sure I have a financial soft place to land now ...but that doesn't make me rich. Having peace of mind about my future makes me rich.

I still seek out bargains even for everyday necessities…I still steal toilet paper from public rest rooms…I still cut the tooth paste tube to get the last bit out.

Financial independence isn’t a right, and it isn’t luck…it is about being self reliant, resourceful and careful….and knowing that the next ‘rain storm’ is never forecast on the weather chanel.

The person I was talking about then would be unendurable to you. Everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault, never their own. They actually posted on the public lottery site, "I just lost all my grocery money in one of your machines." I mean, how clueless can you be?

Hi Divine. I respect your opinion. Thank you for responding and posting your point of view.

I think I have a learning curve in trying to balance compassion with not being taken advantage of/ not being an enabler.

An extreme in either end of the spectrum would not be healthy.

It’s sure a tough thing to balance.

I don't know. Usually there's plenty of weeks to plan and forcast for such services. These things don't happen overnight. Sure, one can feel bad for the kids and all, but it would make many that have seen tough times stop and ask why now? How wasn't this an emergency 2 months prior with the 1st missed bill? Cut offs arrive after 45-60 days overdue depending on the provider. Or something to that effect. And if one lives in a cold climate region in the country, there's a moratorium at the present moment on anything heat related which electric falls under.

I definitely became more compassionate through hardships. I think you will, too.

You can have plenty of compassion in your heart without allowing yourself to be taken advantage of or being manipulated into feeling responsible for someone else's mistakes. I have been through some tough financial times but that doesnt mean I have to bankroll anyone else . I try help my kids when they need it because I see that they are trying hard and sometimes need a little wiggle room. My 18 year old daughter lives in a sober house and works part time until her store opens full time. She has asked us for gas money or groceries here and there and we do choose to help her sometimes because we know she is still sober and trying hard.

Just a thought

It looks that you in general tend to allow people to use yiu/abuse you/take advantage of your difficulty with saying “no”’and being too trusting. I know you have been working on it. And it’s great.

But now you are trying to enlist third party to be used financially like it wasn’t enough that yiu are often being used. And when the person says “no” you are trying to guilt her “but the other person has kids”. You were guilted by people before but now you are doing just the same: guilting.

I’d probably focus less on what others do and more on what you do and why. You can’t control others and their actions, only your own

I am glad your daughter is sober! What a hard work that is for her and the whole family. Hugs.

And I think that’s a great point. Most people help their kids in adulthood when needed not just financially but in other ways too. I have one kid and I don’t care if she is 30 or 50 I help in time of need (within reason). I’d help my nephews and niece if there was ever a need etc etc again within reason.

But I can’t expected to financially support all other people on the planet!

Where is these kids’ father? Is he not helping with the bills?

I have faced a great deal of hardhsip in my life; emotionally, physically, and financially. I tend to recognise then when others - no matter how hard they try to hide it - are facing the same. I suppose you could say I am empathetic. Even seeing people make difficult hard and poor choices in their lives I find myself looking at what situation might have put them there.

For instance, I left an envelope of gift cards for my co-workers to take over the Holidays. Someone absconded with it (about a $100 worth). Others chastised the nameless person for being a thief. But the first thing that entered my mind was that maybe they needed them for food. That is just the kind of person I am - and it comes entirely from having gone through my own hardships.

There is one thing though that does get my goat and will garner absolutely not sympathy from me and that is the individual who has put themselves in such position out of choice and purposefulness. In another thread somewhere a person admitted to financially coming to the aid of a someone who despite their financial hardship spends what money they do have on cigarettes. That absolutely made me furious. No crying over that from me. That person is on their own with absolutely no empathy or help from me. I won't compromise myself over such selfishness.