My Fault

tonight my dad started well with the good idea of helping me choosing a telephone company for my new home. it was sweet of him since we usually barely talk and when we do he attacks me for whatever.
i said there's time since im still not living in the new house (we're still working on it) and anyway, for the first period of time i'll still come home on weekends to see them and the pets. (thinkng of making them happy not to leave them all od a sudden).


but he started saying that i must understand that i wont be living here with them anymore and that if i come here on the weekends i'll make my mom ill (because she has knees problems and cant walk much - and so doesnt him).
WHY on earth should i make my mom feel worse? he made it all seem that my mom is ill because of me and that i make her feel worse for whatever reason he has in is mind.


and since this is not the first time he says something like this, but actually keeps repeating it all the time, now i feel i do have the proof that they'll be better off without me. i'll help them by killing myself. i hope soon.

Oh, heavens honey, don't take what your father is saying to you as some kind of reason you are not wanted, especially not taking this to the level of thinking if you are not alive that would be helpful an any way.

I think what he really means is that because your mother has such a hard time getting around that he doesn't want her to feel obligated to fuss just because you might come for a visit. Yet, that isn't ONLY just about you, but it's more than likely how he would feel about having any company stopping by for a visit. The true bottom line is that he doesn't want your mother fussing and stressing. He is repeating it because anytime she fusses or stresses it just upsets him. It's hard to live with someone who has physical challenges like that. It has nothing to do with you personally.

Thank you, maybe you're right but he's been acting and talking like this for so long that i cant not take it personally. especially since he never said anything like that to my brother. its ME. its ME. he cant wait for me to be gone whether its gone in the new flat or dead. he cant stand me still being at home with them anymore.

im so tired and hurt by his words and actions. i might take actions too.

It's him who is abusive, not you. It is him who has the problem in your relationship with him.



When you visit, what if you tell your mother not to get up, you will help with things?

It sounds like your father just happened to pick you to vent to but make no mistake this is all about his issues, has nothing to do with you or your actual value. I am glad to know you will be moving out and having your own life away from that dysfunction. It's time for you to have your own life and meet people and do things for yourself without having to deal with your father's dysfunctional behaviors.

Thank you all.
I dont understand how i make my mom more ill if im there because i spend all the time in my room and dont ask for anything. Well sometimes i like staying with her and i call her at the first floor, but my mom is not handicapped, and accordingly to my dad, who has worse problems ,she should stay still like a statue and stop living her life. Maybe hes afraid its whats going to happen to them boh and he takes it on me and it hurts me so much

I'm so sorry you're hurting, sinking Please know that there's nothing wrong with you or what you're doing. It's clear that it's your dad that has a problem with it. It's not worth it to hurt yourself because of him. Feel free to visit your mother anytime you want - it is your right, and if you're still afraid to cause any trouble, just tell your mother she doesn't need to move around much when you come over. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're a wonderful person, I'm sure of that, don't let abusive people in your life dictate what you should or shouldn't do. I'm glad you're moving out of that environment, I hope that will help. Keep writing here if it helps. Feel free to PM me anytime. And please, remember that it's NOT your fault. You're a wonderful person, sinking. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you.

Is it bad of me if i had "hoped" their invalidity would have come 15-20 years after now. They are in their late 60 and early 70. I didnt think i would have had to take care of them this early.

If they are mad, i must admit i am too.
Is it too selfish of me?

It's not selfish, of course taking care of them must be stressful, so it's normal you'd feel that way. I don't think they like this situation either. But you ARE taking care of them, and most importantly remember that you have every right to live your own life as well. So please don't feel guilty about your feelings, after all you can't really control them and they are just what they are - feelings. Sending many hugs to you

you'll be better off without them, Fixed it for you. This is not on you and it's all manipulation to make you feel less than you are. you're doing the right thing getting your own place.

Think logically, how does your visiting or being around have any correlation to your mother's illness?

I dont think my dad means bad, i know hes worried for mom, but mom cant be a statue just not to feel pain and well, if she cant climb the stairs, i wont ask it to her but its my dad not wanting her to move. I know hes just worried but hes so controlling and since my mom cant say she doesnt feel pain, she is forced to stay on his side. And im ALONE and reprimanded as always...

Nah, I don't see this as a negative slight at all. I don't see where this could be abusive and I certainly don't view this as being selfish or picking on you. What I do see is merely a communication issue. Your father in my opinion simply failed to choose kinder gentler words to suggest the problem with your visits is that they put pressure on your mother on account of her limited mobility. What I see happening is that your mom wishes to be a good hostess. It may be that visits put physical stress on her as a result of over-doing it.

The solution maybe as simple as giving her the freedom not to put herself out. This could be an offer of bringing something by or contributing to things like errands around the house. I think it more about mom being comfortable than anything else. Your dad just didn't find the words to better express this.

Of course, you could always ask him, "What can I do then?"

Wishful, i tend to agree with you, except that im still living with them so i dont see the difference between when im staying with them and when i'll come for a visit once a week. it makes me feel my dad cant wait for me to be gone from their home. its hurtful.

and also, i dont think my mom should live like a statue from now on. i dont want to hurt her, but every now and then getting out of that house could make good to her spirit. but my dad doesnt understand this because he likes being home and he gets to exit even if just to do food shopping.

the maximum i can ask my mom is to lie down on the bed with me and watch some movie. i dont think this is hurting her and i dont ask anything else. i dont know. i think my dad is mad for both their condition and takes it on me. maybe he's scared of dying and would like me to be "adult" and settled but i dont think its my case. do the best i can, just please dont take it on me!

Hi Sinking,

This sounds like an extremely comfortable situation. Your dad sounds like he is having trouble coping with your mom's infirmities and is taking it out on you. He also sounds very controlling. I am sorry to hear you are stuck in the middle of this. You would have less stress if you are able to support yourself after moving out.