People being hateful during conversations

@HopefullyLost1211:

I agree to a certain extent on your points, but I could say a lot of factual things that can offend people. For example, telling someone they're fat or a lot of people don't like you - that's not right, it's mean spirited. Also I take ruby's use of the word 'hateful' to mean negative or mean, etc. So, I put the emphasis on the supervisors approach and not ruby2011's who was just having an ordinary conversation. He accepted her apology, yes, but he should've been the one apologizing to her, not the other way around in my view, but good on her for doing so all the same.

You're all right ruby2011. I know you have your issues, we all do, and good on you for checking in with the community, as well. All the best!

Ruby, yes, crisis averted for now, but I think you may still be making the assumption that supervisors can be friends. We can ask friends about their ex's but not someone at work. You are learning what boundaries mean especially at work.

We must always maintain professional boundaries, especially with our supervisors. This is an area where you have trouble. You pushed the boundaries with a supervisor and got yourself fired. Then you acted out in another workplace, crossing boundaries with your language on the sales floor where supervisors could hear you. Now you ask your supervisor about his ex wife.

I understand that it may hurt when someone tells you to mind your own business. That CAN hurt. But you are also assuming that your supervisor is on a friendship level with you when they're not.

I would speak with your support worker more on what professional boundaries are and mean. We cannot treat our supervisors like we would a friend.

Interesting post Mote of Soul. I don't see any comparison between telling someone it's not their business to ask about an ex-spouse versus calling someone fat or saying nobody likes them. I don't think you're comparing like with like there.

In the case of Ruby's boss, he set a boundary about info he did not wish to share. He has a right to do that. I see no need for him to apologize. In the case of someone calling somebody fat or suggesting they are not liked by anyone, that is cruel behavior and definitely warrants an apology.

I think it's important to draw distinctions between direct (or even terse) boundary-setting versus cruel comments. To conflate the two sets a person up for a lot of confusion and possibly feeling victimized when they are not actually being targeted.

Did I miss something...I don't always read an entire thread. Was there a post from Ruby whereby her boss called her fat or told her nobody likes her? I'm so sorry if that happened. I was only responding to a post where he said it wasn't her business to ask about his ex...which it isn't. He didn't choose the most gracious way to draw the line but I don't think people are always at their most gracious when they feel offended or when their privacy boundaries are being violated. Though as I said, I think we all know that was not Ruby's intention.

I was not suggesting that everything factual should be voiced. That seems obvious to me. Though some facts ("it's not your business") are fair game. I can tell you that I used the same phrase in response to a prying person who asked what my salary is. I didn't feel badly about that...I was stunned by the inappropriate question. And I saw no need to apologize.

Peace to all

[QUOTE=mote.of.soul;6415100]@HopefullyLost1211:

He accepted her apology, yes, but he should've been the one apologizing to her, not the other way around in my view

Question: Why should the person whose boundaries were not honored (unwittingly or otherwise) be the one to apologize to the person who crossed the line? I don't understand. For example, if you were uncomfortable when a friend took food off your plate without asking, you believe you should be the one to apologize to the friend who grabbed some of your food?

@HopefullyLost1211:

Hi,

It's all good. We just have a difference of opinion on the matter that's all. Not interested in endless debate, sorry friend. My first post basically sums it all up for me.

I'm pretty sure ruby2011 can read all of her replies and glean some helpful thoughts and insights, though.

Peace & hugs as well.

No need to apologize Yes, I perceive the long threads as helpful discussions/explorations rather than debates. I wanted to understand your point of view...I had the impression you maybe had more info from Ruby's experiences than I did so I thought it could help her to address those pieces too. I'm a question-asker Peace to you as well Mote of Soul.

Ruby, it was mentioned somewhere on the thread that you may be living on the autism spectrum...is that correct? If so, you may be interested to read Hallahan's research on what he called the "invisible curriculum" or the "hidden curriculum."

That research pertains to exactly what you are dealing with in social transactions. Good luck and well done for self-monitoring and self-correcting We all need to do that whether living on the spectrum or not. And we all get it wrong at times...just part of being human!

Plus, look how many people cared enough about you to reply to your thread. That's a good sign! You are connected!!

Generally speaking, you touched on a sensitive subject. But it also depends on the relationship you have with the individual. Do you have a friendship with that person that extends beyond work hours? Has he confided in you before about his personal problems? Is there a rapport of trust and openness established between you two?

If the relationship is confined to the workplace and you are not close to the person, I think it's safe not to ask personal questions beyond what the other person volunteers to share. It is possible that your co-worker just got lucky. Your boss could have said "none of your business" to his question too. But the difference may be the following:

People generally love their kids and their current partner, but ex is usually associated with something negative (i.e. divorce). Maybe you can ask a very general and positive question, like how old is your little one?

Ruby asked, what was the difference between her question and her coworker's question.

I would say that one difference is that the coworker asked for further information about the 3 children that were already a subject of conversation, and probably it had been mentioned that it was a blended family?

But Rubys question implies stuff like, "did some of your kids stay with their mother?" Which is none of her business. Or "is your ex-wife a floozy?" - which im sure she didnt intend, but might be how a guy would think.

I completely understand! I had this happen to me plenty of time.

I understand.

That great advice!. I still think e could have been nicer.