I don’t know what I am doing wrong

Back in October I was having a hard time dealing with a bad break up, since then I found out that my ex is already living with his new girlfriend and who she is. It hit me hard, I cried and started to put little pieces together. If they are already living together he must have been dating her while he was with me. I started talking and dating a guy that messaged me on Fb, it kind of stopped me from thinking so much about my ex. However I noticed that he wasn’t so interested as he said he was. For example, he would send messages but it would just be “good morning, how are you” and that’s it. We would spend time together and he was the sweetest person ever. We had sex and he spend the night 2 weeks ago and I just thought, well maybe I am not in love with him but
maybe with time I will. Well he started to distance himself, no messages from him. When I would ask if he was ok or if he didn’t like spending the night with me he would say that he was fine and will tell me that he loves me. I don’t have too much patience and I deleted him from fb. On Saturday I went out with my co-worker and he was there with his friend and a lady. I sent a text and he said that she was just a friend. He didn’t communicate until yesterday, he said that he just wanted me to know that she is just a friend and that he had no interest for her. I said that if he wanted to continue dating me he needed to show more interest and stop going out with other women. He replied he wanted to continue dating me, this morning he sent a message, I replied and I noticed he read the message but didn’t text back even though he was online. I called and he didn’t answer, I texted and nothing. I left him a voicemail saying that I didn’t want to continue talking to him and not to contact me anymore. He sent a message saying that he was on his break and had left his cellphone charging but he was using whatsapp and he was online. I blocked him but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel played again, I know I am not in love with him but I still feel hurt. I don’t know what is it that I am doing that is so wrong. I talked and dated for over 2 months before I slept with him, I was nice... There is a say in my country “ a nail will pull out another nail” but it is wrong it will make a bigger whole. It sucks feeling used.

Seems like you are not putting yourself first and letting others muck around with your feelings too much.

By going off the story it sounds like the guy is playing games, you might have know idea what he is really like, it takes years to properly get to know a person. He's obviously going to put his best personality on to draw you in, it's not until you go through a few challenging times with them to where they start to show there true colours.

If you feel he is playing games and is not being genuine, **** him off or make sure to tell him very sincerely how whatever he is doing is hurting you. If he doesn't catch on it and continues to do the same thing then you have to ask yourself is he worth all the stress and are you okay with having cracks and holes in your relationship, are you there for a bit of fun even? Make sure you know what you want... and sometimes you have no idea what the other persons motives are and if they feel the same way towards you as you feel towards them, you need to accept that and look at the reality side of things.

But as I said you should really get know what you want in a relationship and let that other person know aswell.

I think you are being too clingy and too possessive with this guy. Who are you to tell anyone they can't be friends or go out with people of the opposite sex? And to blow up someone's phone while they're at work leaving harassing and threatening voicemails? Most apps keep people online when they're really not. My FB stays lit up as online all day and all night long, doesn't mean I'm online or using it. You're asking him to be 110% devoted to you when you've only been dating for two months...that takes time and respect, and you haven't earned that. I'd cool your heels while you get over your ex, you're placing irrational expectations on a rebound guy that sounds like you're not relatively interested in.

Maybe. Or maybe they got together on an impulse, very fast.

You used the guy to feel less emotional pain from your breakup. Now you are complaining that you feel used by the guy.

The good thing is that you are aware of what he was doing and of your needs - you needed messages that would show keen interest in your person, maybe passion, longing, and not vapid "how are you?". What you are not doing and should start doing is insisting on either getting what you need or not pursuing a relationship altogether, i.e. not settling for anything short of what meets your desires. Also, it is good that you pay attention to what is going on - that is a good quality to have in life.

It is possible that he started to distance himself because he perceived accurately that you did not have feelings for him and your relationship with him was vapid.

Deleting him from Facebook was impulsive and going overboard. If you did not want him to see your posts, you could have posted sharing with friends but him. He would not have noticed, whereas your deleting him was visible to him. You are right in that you need to learn to be a bit more patient for your own benefit. Also, had you continued posting about your beautiful life, sharing your posts with him and not messaging him at all, he would have very soon started messaging YOU.

What was your purpose in saying that? What goals did you pursue and what response from him, if any, did you expect to elicit by saying that?

You acted desperately and illogically. If you did not want to continue talking with him, you should not have contacted him yourself. Remember that it was you calling, texting, and leaving a VM for him. It is very hard not to be desperate at times - we have all been there - but it is much easier not to at least not act desperately.

Once again - you did not have feelings for the guy. The guy did not have feelings for you and never said that he loved you on his own volition but only when you would criticize him for not being interested enough. When there are two people who are having this lukewarm - at best - relationship with one another, with neither party being interested, caring, passionate, or any other positive word you can think of, the question is "why?" Why are they having this relationship when neither of them cares for the other? In your case, the answer is clear - you were trying to not think as much about the previous guy. Possibly, if I am allowed a guess, you wanted to feel wanted as a way to compensate yourself for the blow you felt from the break-up that had preceded. Whatever the reasons were, you were using the guy - you did not care for him or about him. You had your own reasons that were wholly external to his existence, his being and his interests and for that reason you pursued the relationship with him. Possibly, he had his own reasons, too. Maybe he did not want to feel lonely. Maybe he did not have a love interest at that time and want to fill the vacancy of a girlfriend of sorts until a better candidate came along. Who knows. Maybe you used him and he used you. Clearly neither of you guys had the wisdom to call it quits without involving yet more parties (such as that possible other woman) but just out of genuine respect for each other, because why waste the precious and finite days of your young lives on a doomed relationship in which nobody cares for the other?

This is a very typical scenario that most people have been in - you feel hurt because you feel that he had the upper hand, that it was him who exhibited disinterest in you, that it was him who possibly dated yet another woman, that he did not respond to your calls and texted when you were desperately and frantically contacting him (to tell him that you do not want to be contacted...), and not vice versa. Do a mental exercise and imagine what it would feel had the tables been turned. Imagine that he is the one desperately calling you and you are not returning his calls, etc. How would you feel then?

There are two things you are doing that are wrong that are obvious to an untrained eye. Thing #1 is that you go (see below) from one nail to another instead of learning how to be really happy ALONE first. Thing #2 is your belief in rules, in rule-based outcomes (... wait X months before sleeping with a guy...). Two people can hit it off right away and stay together or in your case you discovered that all that waiting (and longer waiting would not have helped) amounted to nothing because you did not matter to him and he did not matter to you. Dating is not a game with rules - it is not a table setting for which there is a prescription that tells you where and how to put forks, knives and spoons. Each relationship is unique, sometimes spontaneity and adventurousness are the way to go, sometimes a longer period of courtship - if it is savored by both him and her and builds suspense - results in a couple in which they value each other more later, and there are a myriad other scenarios. If you still believe that there are rules that you can go by and secure yourself a good outcome, you are too young to date and would be better off learning how to be happy alone and cultivating friendships, interests, skills and abilities, but not trying to develop romantic relationships. I know this is not what you intended to hear, but I hope that you will be able to see value in becoming a more self-sufficient person who does not rely on outside crutches in order to feel well. The benefits are numerous - not being made to feel used to easily is a big benefit.

Beautifully put. You learned something very important in that little ordeal of yours - you learned that folk wisdom is not always wise and that adding nails will make a bigger hole.

The only way to avoid being played is to not play the game and practice.

I don’t see how he played you. He appeared not that interested from the get go. And you knew it. He just continued to be not that interested. Sleeping with him didn’t change that and it never does. When something is off then it’s just off. Neither of you were that into each other.

As about the way it all ended some of it just didn’t make sense. You were the one constantly excessively contacting him then you messaged him not to contact you but he wasn’t contacting you, you were.

Now I understand it hurts. But rebound relationships rarely work. I see from your previous threads that you go from one bad relationship to another very quickly and men treated you bad yet you wanted to be with them, this last one didn’t treat you bad but still was disinterested.

I’d recommend to take time to heal from these experiences and perhaps see a therapist to figure out why you are attracted to these men who treat you poorly or are indifferent and what could be done to break bad patterns and find healthier ways to handle romantic encounters. Good luck

I'm afraid I must agree with all the others, Deyla2324 I don't think this guy did anything particularly wrong. You acted a bit possessive by saying that he can't hang out with other girls, especially considering that, from what you wrote, it was a pretty casual relationship. I agree that you need to take some time for yourself and fully heal before getting inot another relationship. You can have casual sex with other guys if you want. But don't expect anything too srious. Otherwise you'll just feel more and more hurt and you'll never fully heal your scars. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. It will take time and it won't be easy. But it can be done. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I was trying to put myself in your shoes for a moment to have a bit of compassion and empathy. Firstly, what a difficult realization about the last bf. Leaving more questions than answers for you with such a rush moving in with his new gf and leaving lots of questions if something was going on before the break up, at least for you as you try to recover from that. Quite the sting, no doubt.
Then this new guy starts with expressions of love, then a distance then to run into him one night and to see him with "I assure you she's just a friend."
No wonder this brought out all of that in you. That must have been a most unsettling moment. So sorry that you experienced that.
Probably just cut your losses. And work on recovering from the hurts and pains that you're going through.

You deserve better than a one-sided relationship. For your own happiness, find someone who is equally-interested in you, and proves that with his action. Flaky men are waste of your time. If you respect yourself and your own time, you will attract the right man. Now this may not happen overnight so some patience may be required on your part.
Best wishes and happiness to your future.

This is perfect! Spot on!

I like the way you analyzed my thread! You’re right, I used him to feel less pain and as a distraction to stop thinking about my ex. However he has been saying that he loves me since the first day we officially met in person (we started talking online). Also I told him several times that I didn’t want to continue communicating with him and if I blocked his calls or text, he would find a way to get me to talk to him. Thinks were fine before we spend the night together, then I noticed the things I mentioned before. I am not psycho and called him 3,000 times and I did called when he ignored my messages and was online. I got upset because I let him get close to me when I thought it was the right time. I might not have been in love with him but felt used because he messeged me good morning, I replied, read and was online on whatsapp and chose to ignore me and only replied when he noticed that I blocked him. The weekend after he spend the night, I saw him with another woman but he still insisted on wanting to continue dating, that’s why I told him that in able to continue dating he needed to stop talking or dating other women (remember he has been saying that he is in love with me since December). I think if I start to care for a guy that I am dating and he is telling me that he is falling in love with me I want to also protect myself because I don’t want to end up getting hurt again. If I’m wrong then I am but I am always going to place myself first even if I am being selfish. It’s ok for everyone to have friends, I have friends also, I just don’t date them. Well I was right his friend sent a message and told on him (there’s nothing worse than a friend who is attracted to the girl you’re dating)... Well I guess we both got played, just that I didn’t lied about my feelings about my ex, he never asked about him and if he didn’t asked and there was no reason why I should just start talking about my ex. I did say how long ago we had broken up.

Thank you all for your posts! Since then I found out he was indeed dating other people his best friend let me know because he thought I deserved better. I just want to make clear that I was not harassing him with calls or messages. We used to communicate daily several times a day and he would always sent a message in the morning before he went to work. All along he was the one making our (friendship or whatever you want to call it) more serious since the first time we met in person (we met online) as he started saying that he had feelings for me and he loved me. I never lied to him, we just never talked about our previous relationship, other than how long ago we had broken up. I did said that I was hurt badly in my previous relationship and didn’t want to get hurt again. I don’t think there was nothing wrong with saying that in able to continue being involved with me he needed to stop dating other women, that was the Monday after the Saturday that I saw him with in the bar and he later assured me he was just friends with. I agree that I used him to numb my feelings from my ex. The day I told him that I didn’t want to continue communicating, I replied to his good morning message, I replied, he saw and ignored my message. I called because I saw he was online on whatsapp, he also ignored my call. I only sent 2 messages and left 1 voice message. I blocked him on whatsapp and he contacted through text saying his cellphone had been charging while he was on break. Whatsapp is not like messenger that will continue showing you’re active and even messenger will at some time show you inactive. In conclusion I need to stay alone while I still think and have feelings about my ex, you could put a bandage over a cut to make it stop bleeding but if you go and mess up with the cut you will make it bleed again...

Stay away from men who tell you they love you the first time they meet you. It’s not possible.

a very apt comparison! stay safe and let the wounds heal completely and thoroughly first.