[Gymgirl71]

Having a real communication problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. We made concrete plans which he always follows through..but then he will attempt to see me an extra day and I will tell him to let me know later if he’s up to it. Last time, he wanted to get together then later he wasn’t up to it. Ever since he started this new job he has been behaving this way. So the past 2-weeks. So tonight he was being vague when I asked if he still wants to get together. He was telling me probably not and then he stopped replying to my texts leaving me hanging. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to say no, afraid I’ll reacf badly, feels guilty or what...we had an understanding that he would just be direct. I’m starting to feel that maybe I’m just being too available to him. Before he would initiate plans, but lately I have been..thoughts?

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Having a real communication problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. We made concrete plans which he always follows through..but then he will attempt to see me an extra day and I will tell him to let me know later if he’s up to it. Last time, he wanted to get together then later he wasn’t up to it. Ever since he started this new job he has been behaving this way. So the past 2-weeks. So tonight he was being vague when I asked if he still wants to get together. He was telling me probably not and then he stopped replying to my texts leaving me hanging. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to say no, afraid I’ll reacf badly, feels guilty or what...we had an understanding that he would just be direct. I’m starting to feel that maybe I’m just being too available to him. Before he would initiate plans, but lately I have been..thoughts?

Being true to one's word is an important part of any relationship; essential for trust. If you have already indicated to him that you value and expect direct communication, and he is not following through, I suggest taking a step back. Although we naturally want to understand what's going on with another person, if they opt not to tell us it's not necessarily helpful to speculate about their motivations. Your idea about being less available sounds wise. Put yourself first. Spend time with some family or friends or doing solitary activities you enjoy. Then see what happens. I think in general if a person pulls back from us, we should let them. Trying to reverse the pull-back often doesn't work and burns our energy. Hope this helps. I wish you peace and good luck Gymgirl.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Being true to one's word is an important part of any relationship; essential for trust. If you have already indicated to him that you value and expect direct communication, and he is not following through, I suggest taking a step back. Although we naturally want to understand what's going on with another person, if they opt not to tell us it's not necessarily helpful to speculate about their motivations. Your idea about being less available sounds wise. Put yourself first. Spend time with some family or friends or doing solitary activities you enjoy. Then see what happens. I think in general if a person pulls back from us, we should let them. Trying to reverse the pull-back often doesn't work and burns our energy. Hope this helps. I wish you peace and good luck Gymgirl.

so in other words, I need to create some space.

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

so in other words, I need to create some space.

I think that could be a good idea, yes. It sounds like you already tried communicating and he wasn't particularly forthcoming. So perhaps step back now for a while? Don't call or text. Don't set up more dates. Occupy yourself with other things for a significant length of time and see how he responds.

[Molinit]

“Probably not” means no.

[healingme4me]

How long has he been at his new job?

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How long has he been at his new job?

A couple weeks

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

A couple weeks

It could be that? I know that when I took on a new position at my own job, my time and energy shifted greatly.

[divine1966]

I don’t think he left you hanging. When you ask if he wants to see you, he said “probably not”, it means “no”, after that keep asking him about it results in him stopping responding. to you.

Generally speaking this dating experience has too many issues after only few months. Typically first 3 months should be happy exciting time. Not time to try to mane changes in them. Some issues eventually pop up and not that early on

Also if after only 3 months you already want someone to change how he does things, that’s pretty much a problem. I don’t think it’s a good idea to date men who are not a right fit and try to make them into right fit by trying to “get” them do something they don’t want to do. Much better time spend looking for “ready made” men, the ones that don’t need changing

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t think he left you hanging. When you ask if he wants to see you, he said “probably not”, it means “no”, after that keep asking him about it results in him stopping responding. to you.

Generally speaking this dating experience has too many issues after only few months. Typically first 3 months should be happy exciting time. Not time to try to mane changes in them. Some issues eventually pop up and not that early on

Also if after only 3 months you already want someone to change how he does things, that’s pretty much a problem. I don’t think it’s a good idea to date men who are not a right fit and try to make them into right fit by trying to “get” them do something they don’t want to do. Much better time spend looking for “ready made” men, the ones that don’t need changing

yes I get that..it’s not him, It’s me. I think I can come across as too needy..I literally think I become way too focused on the relationship and not focused enough on me. He has actually been supportive in all aspects of my life but I start to loose focus when things don’t go my way it seems.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Gymgirl71 I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Just try to give him some space if you can. It seems like he needs his own time. Just try to focus on yourself a bit. Perhaps you coul try to spend some more time with your friends or family. That's perfectly normal. I'm sure your relationship will get better if you pull off a bit. If there are other problems with this relatonship, feel free to share and talk about it here. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Gymgirl71 I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Just try to give him some space if you can. It seems like he needs his own time. Just try to focus on yourself a bit. Perhaps you coul try to spend some more time with your friends or family. That's perfectly normal. I'm sure your relationship will get better if you pull off a bit. If there are other problems with this relatonship, feel free to share and talk about it here. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

Right now, I have to play it cool and stop showing any emotion..I probably won’t see him this week though, I think maybe we need a break. I don’t really like how it is going.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

yes I get that..it’s not him, It’s me. I think I can come across as too needy..I literally think I become way too focused on the relationship and not focused enough on me. He has actually been supportive in all aspects of my life but I start to loose focus when things don’t go my way it seems.

It’s not what I am saying. Your expectations are reasonable. He doesn’t come across very interested in maintaining regular communication and keeping relationship going and you trying to get him be more into it, it is just frustrating for you. You can do better than this guy. You can’t change people. Don’t waste your time. He might be a nice guy, he just isn’t as invested

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Right now, I have to play it cool and stop showing any emotion..I probably won’t see him this week though, I think maybe we need a break. I don’t really like how it is going.

Don’t play games, be yourself

Sounds like you are being quite tough on yourself Gymgirl. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a valuable human being. You are trying to make a relationship work with someone and it's not quite going as you'd hope. There's no shame in that. It's not a reflection of your character or worth.

I think taking a step back and giving yourself some self-appreciation could be helpful. What do you like about yourself? Write it all down and keep that list. Do something nice for yourself today just because you deserve it.

One day at a time. You'll figure out this tricky situation one way or another.